It was just a name in the subject line of an email.
I knew the name. How could I forget it? It was the name of the man who had betrayed my trust and my love for the four years nine months of our relationship.
Curious, I opened the email and read the words of a woman whose daughter’s girlfriend is engaged to a man named ”˜Jack’ (not his real name). I think he’s the same man you knew, she wrote. I read your website and the article from when your book was published. Do you have a picture?
I wrote back and told her I had burnt every picture I had of him. She sent me one by return email. Is this the same man? I’m really scared for my daughter’s safety. Conrad and my daughter’s friend have been living with us for a couple of months. He’s made lots of promises. Lots of commitments to do this, do that. None of them have come true.
I wrote back.
Unfortunately, it’s him. You can’t change him, I told her. You can help your daughter and her friend get free by learning as much as you can as fast as you can about narcissism and sociopaths. I gave her a couple of websites to read and I suggested a couple of things she could do to end the abuse now. There’s a good chance he’s up to his illegal activities once again as he has two high-end cars in their drive and one license plate which he continually shifts from vehicle to vehicle. I’ve suggested she contact the police and have offered to speak with the young woman who believes she has been swept up into Prince Charming’s arms.
When I wrote The Dandelion Spirit, I wanted to help women and men caught in a liar’s web to make sense of the craziness. I wanted to encourage and enlighten as well as inspire people.
Over the two years since the book was published I have heard from countless people — telling me their stories, asking for advice, thanking me for helping them understand and to breathe freely again.
I never expected to be able to help someone extricate themselves from Conrad’s web.
Expect the unexpected and life will never disappoint you.
It is my belief that knowledge is a gift to be shared. I learned a lot through the ”˜Jack’ experience. Learned about narcissism, sociopaths/psychopaths. About liars and abusers. And, I learned about being free. About turning up for me, in all my cuts and bruises, to stand tall and proud, a victor in my own life.
Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse — and to help them find their courage to do it.
I have been blessed. In the 5+ years since my release, I have been given the gift of healing and the opportunity to help others find their paths away from abuse.
I am one lucky woman and I want to share my good fortune with the world around me.
“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco
Everyday, survivors of these affairs stumble into this sight and take heart at the words written here by those who have journeyed through similar darkness. In our sharing we brighten the road and lighten the load of those who have fallen behind us. In our sharing, we illuminate the path for others to follow.
I never expected to be given the gift of helping someone involved with the same man I was. When first I read her words and thought about my response, I wondered if I was doing it out of vindictiveness, or was I truly coming from a loving heart.
I questioned myself to ensure I stood true to me, my values, principles and beliefs. And then, in the end, I realized — my heart belongs to me. In helping someone else, I am not going after him, I am going after what is right — sharing what I know and have learned so that someone else can find their way out of the darkness.
For the woman who wrote me, the story has a happy ending. She got him out of her house. For his new girlfriend, the story continues. She did not heed their advice. Did not want to hear what they said about him.
I know where she’s at. I know how scared she is and how frightened and alone she feels. I cannot change her path. I cannot alter her course. I can only continue to do what I do to create a world of peace around me: speak out against abuse and speak up for those who have lost their voice.
Henry–
Because I have one child with mine, finding a workable “no contact” plan was very difficult. Especially during those first couple of years, when I wavered so much, trying to find some humanity in him. So I got to watch him transition through at least three personnas.
There was the “family man” act he put on for me for 20 years, which he dropped immediately after taking up with a horse racing enthusiast. Then you would have thought he grew up within spitting distance of the Kentucky Derby, so thoroughly did he turn into a carbon copy of his next victim after me. He was Mr. Gambler, Mr. Big Time.
His victim wised up quickly, though, and he moved on to a second sweet young thing. This one didn’t give a whit for racing of any kind–she just wanted to be a rock and roll singer. You should have seen how fast the posters of John Lennon and Kurt Cobain went up on his walls. No more racing forms lying about.
They are not real. Nothing about them is real. They really are quite pathetic and we are lucky, lucky, lucky to be rid of them.
Tood Yes we are lucky lucky lucky – I just look forward to getting over the “sting” of being used and conned out of love and dignity. I just feel so humiliated. But I do know I will get over this…..thanks for the chat….20 years? and a child? At least you have a child to love. He left his cat here but I found it a new home…………….
Henry,
All those self-help slogans and psychological cliches are there for a reason. They are true, and they really do help.
So, as the books all say, “feel your feelings.” If you feel humiliated, really feel it down deep, root around in it awhile, get it out of your system. Once you give yourself permission to feel your feelings, you begin to self-validate. Then sooner or later you grow out of whatever need that made you susceptible to you-know-who. It’s a process.
Yes, we had a child together. He managed to turn that child against me for awhile, but she’s back home now and doing well. She had to learn for herself just exactly what her father was, and she did. It was a very painful lesson for her, but she’s a changed person now.
That’s something else they do: try to corrupt the innocent. This one time he wasn’t successful, thank God.
I hope your own period of mourning is as brief as possible and that you regain your joy.
thank you Tood.
I know this doesn’t make sense but I usually don’t and ya’ll still put up with me. But I would feel so validated to hear that his new victim has kicked him out as well. And I doubt if that info would ever get back to me unless (M) show’s up hear when and if it happen’s. OXY my internet is scheduled to be turned off wed. I will still check in on you and everyone hear just not as often. I have to do this..it is part of my recovery. back to the future if that makes sense……….))))))HUGZ((((((
Dear Tood, some wise words from you.
Henry, sweetie, I do understand about turning your internet off, but DO paleeeeeze keep in touch and let us know how you are, we wuve you, you know that, and we would misssssss you a bunch! (((Hugs)))))xoxoxox
Just keep your head on straight without my daily threats! I know you can do it! LOL
Oxy your like the mom I never had i will be in touch…..
Wow, trying to catch up on all that was posted today LOL.
What I want to say…
Obession is normal. I encourage everyone going through it NOT to judge it. NOT to try to rush it. It’s a necessary thing for your brain to recover following trauma. It’s uncomfortable as hell and frustrating but give it time and know you’re NOT crazy. Your brain will figure it out.
As for fear of abandonment, that is huge with the Ss. The S hooked me in before leaving his current victim. He made her out to be so awful. I put up boundaries and told him that his tricking me into a kiss was enough. He pulled the whole, “look at me” and when I turned to face him he kissed me. What a jerk. I told him I would not be with him unless he broke up with her. Doubt he ever did. Loser. So don’t kick yourselves. They are deceitful critters who don’t want to be alone. Be happy that you can stand your own company. You did it before the S and you will do it again.
As for isolating, this is common after a traumatic experience. Getting back out there socially is a slow process. Give yourself time and take care of yourself. Again, don’t judge the process as it may make it harder. You are OK. Please tell this to yourselves. You’re doing what you need to. I know I needed constant validation that I was not crazy. Hence the research and re-reading of things I already knew. I needed to know I was OK. I am and you are. We’ve been traumatized and victimized. In time you will start to feel more like yourself but usually better and stronger. It takes times but please know you are totally OK and this process is normal.
Oxy, I would love to set up a therapy booth in a book store limited to information on psychopaths LOL. Just to have the opportunity like on here to tell people that they are OK and what they’re experiencing is NORMAL. Yep it feels absolutely abnormal but that’s because it’s so unlike anything we’ve experienced before. It’s not a feel-good thing but it leads to freedom and it’s a process that through the pain will bring us more wisdom that we never imagined. We will have peace and you need to believe this. You gotta go through it to get there. Just wait for it lovely LFers. Allow yourself to go through the proces and it will come!
Henry, I will miss reading your posts as often as I do but I wish you the best in your recovery. I’m happy to know you’ll still be checking in with us. Please keep us posted on how you’re doing and know you are much loved here! Also, in case you didn’t get an answer about the Cluster B thing (I skimmed), M IS a sociopath. Cluster B includes antisocial, borderline and narcissitic pdo’s. Normally if someone has a personality disorder they don’t just have one. They have aspects of a few or even meet full criiteria of a few. A sociopath is someone who has no empathy or conscience. In my experience, there is a fine line between the narcissist and antisocial and borderline. They have a lot in common. Throw in the paranoid pdo and you have my ex. The bottom line is, if they fit the pattern of exploiting others for personal gain and could care less about the destruction they do and are the center of their own universe…you have a sociopath. The specific diagnosis is unimportant. It’s who they are and what they do that makes them pathological and dangerous.
OK, I zipped through this to catch up LOL. I just want to say how much I love this site and how brave everyone here is to open up and share their experiences. It’s so great to know we’re not alone and other people do get it. I think of this site as somewhat of an awakening. We’ve been in the dark having been overshadowed by an S who by their very nature is an emotional vampire. We were fooled, had our reality’s distored and got hurt in that process. We’re coming back into the light and restoring what was taken from us. Our confidence, our joy, our peace and our laughter. We are back in reality and that is freedom. It’s a troublesome reality to look back at what happened to us. But better that we live in this world being aware of the evil that exists in the hearts of some men/women. It is not that we need to walk in fear, it’s that we need to walk forwards with our eyes open.
One could say that my life hasn’t turned out in a storybook fashion. But honestly it depends on who’s writing the book! I’m single, never married, no children and close to mid-30’s. I’ve always felt that the clock was ticking and working against me. I don’t feel that way anymore. I have survived a lot in the lifetime so far and my life has enormous value and worth! I don’t know what tomorrow holds but I know that God loves me and he’s with me and has great plans for me. That’s all I need to know when I lay my head on that pillow to sleep each night. I will never stop loving and laughing and embracing life at it’s fullest. No one will take mypeace and joy from me again. I have learned that tough lesson and God is restoring that which was once taken from me. Never again will I had that over to a man. Never again!
Oh, I forgot to sign my post….
Love “Lucy” LOL
Dear “Lucy” AKA Takiingmeback,
You are just such a bright ray of sunshine in my day! Thanks for being here and sharing your experience and your wisdom!
“we need to walk forward with our eyes open!” SO right on!
The last few days have been an “up swing” for me and coming here and seeing the PROGRESS in those people that only a few days or few weeks ago were “basket cases” now turning to other newbies and giving them such sound advice, such support.
I know we all “back step” sometimes, but to just see people taking three steps forward and maybe only one backwards, then three more forward is so uplifting to me that it makes me want to SING and JUMP FOR JOY!
It seems like it has been a hundred years since I was a “basket case” and a “blathering, slobbering piece of protoplasam” lying on the floor in the fetal position…and it ihas only been a little over a year and a half since all this last “chaos” started, and I’m well on my way to healing the wounds, being stronger and better than ever have been.
I credit so much of that growth to this site and the lovely wonderful people here…I can’t name names or I’d have to list every poster on here. Everyone here has added to my healing. ((((lucy)))))