It was just a name in the subject line of an email.
I knew the name. How could I forget it? It was the name of the man who had betrayed my trust and my love for the four years nine months of our relationship.
Curious, I opened the email and read the words of a woman whose daughter’s girlfriend is engaged to a man named ”˜Jack’ (not his real name). I think he’s the same man you knew, she wrote. I read your website and the article from when your book was published. Do you have a picture?
I wrote back and told her I had burnt every picture I had of him. She sent me one by return email. Is this the same man? I’m really scared for my daughter’s safety. Conrad and my daughter’s friend have been living with us for a couple of months. He’s made lots of promises. Lots of commitments to do this, do that. None of them have come true.
I wrote back.
Unfortunately, it’s him. You can’t change him, I told her. You can help your daughter and her friend get free by learning as much as you can as fast as you can about narcissism and sociopaths. I gave her a couple of websites to read and I suggested a couple of things she could do to end the abuse now. There’s a good chance he’s up to his illegal activities once again as he has two high-end cars in their drive and one license plate which he continually shifts from vehicle to vehicle. I’ve suggested she contact the police and have offered to speak with the young woman who believes she has been swept up into Prince Charming’s arms.
When I wrote The Dandelion Spirit, I wanted to help women and men caught in a liar’s web to make sense of the craziness. I wanted to encourage and enlighten as well as inspire people.
Over the two years since the book was published I have heard from countless people — telling me their stories, asking for advice, thanking me for helping them understand and to breathe freely again.
I never expected to be able to help someone extricate themselves from Conrad’s web.
Expect the unexpected and life will never disappoint you.
It is my belief that knowledge is a gift to be shared. I learned a lot through the ”˜Jack’ experience. Learned about narcissism, sociopaths/psychopaths. About liars and abusers. And, I learned about being free. About turning up for me, in all my cuts and bruises, to stand tall and proud, a victor in my own life.
Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse — and to help them find their courage to do it.
I have been blessed. In the 5+ years since my release, I have been given the gift of healing and the opportunity to help others find their paths away from abuse.
I am one lucky woman and I want to share my good fortune with the world around me.
“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco
Everyday, survivors of these affairs stumble into this sight and take heart at the words written here by those who have journeyed through similar darkness. In our sharing we brighten the road and lighten the load of those who have fallen behind us. In our sharing, we illuminate the path for others to follow.
I never expected to be given the gift of helping someone involved with the same man I was. When first I read her words and thought about my response, I wondered if I was doing it out of vindictiveness, or was I truly coming from a loving heart.
I questioned myself to ensure I stood true to me, my values, principles and beliefs. And then, in the end, I realized — my heart belongs to me. In helping someone else, I am not going after him, I am going after what is right — sharing what I know and have learned so that someone else can find their way out of the darkness.
For the woman who wrote me, the story has a happy ending. She got him out of her house. For his new girlfriend, the story continues. She did not heed their advice. Did not want to hear what they said about him.
I know where she’s at. I know how scared she is and how frightened and alone she feels. I cannot change her path. I cannot alter her course. I can only continue to do what I do to create a world of peace around me: speak out against abuse and speak up for those who have lost their voice.
this might not make anysince, but how you learn self love? to always keep yourself first. im just so afraid that i’ll never love myself enough and i need to learn that. i always put people i care about before myself.
Blondie,
That’s a very good question.
It is very noble to help others but it becomes unhealthy when we neglect ourselves or always put others needs before our own. Once we do that we have lost our self respect.
I would say most of us are here because we are caring people and that good side to us has been ruthlessly exploited by a disordered person. It is up to us to redress the balance and start building our self esteem rather than let others decide our value. We have to remove all the negative baggage that has been thrown at us and believe that we are just as valuable as anyone else. We must have our own boundries and not let others invade them.
I think the key is to change our thought patterns and think in a positive way rather than a negative one. We have to reinforce the message to ourselves over and over again that we deserve as much respect as any other human being.
When it comes to putting yourself first I always think of what they tell parents before take off on an aeroplane. Attend to yourself first, otherwise you will not be able to help anyone else.
Swallow
Donna,
That was beautifully written. You echoed all my feelings with regard to speaking up about abusers. What good could come of our experience if we do not reach out to others in an effort to enlighten those that have been vicitimized, paving the way for recovery and to educate those who have not. Any effort that can be made to prevent others from going through the same hell makes it all so worth it. As absolutely gut wrenchingly painful as this experience has been for me and as new as it still is, I do have fleeting moments where I realize that as awful as it has been, at some point I will consider the experience a gift. It has been a very expensive gift with great cost. I will utilize this gift often as I make my way through life, encountering countless types of people, many that no doubt are sociopaths and narcissists. I will protect myself, my prescious daughter, those close to me and anyone that cares to listen with knowledge and awareness that has become engrained within every fiber of my being. I will educate, observe and approach life coming from a whole new place. Hopefully that place will not be one that is jaded but rather balanced, caring, loving and as before able to recognize the good in people but also cautious. Like before, I will not automatically assume that someone is good and trustworthy until proven otherwise. The cost behind the proof can be way too great. This time my trust and love will come after the person has proved that they are trustworthy and capable of love. It will be then, I believe that I will truly understand the “gift” that I have acquired. I believe that if a victim works through this nightmare and comes to resolution which usually requires much introspection and hard work the “gift” will keep giving. Thanks Donna for all your work in this area!
Brenda
Swallow,
Beautifully, factually said. I’ve written that when I was a little girl and then into teenage years, if anyone said even a slight criticsm or remark to me, it tore my heart apart.
I wouldn’t say a thing, just be real quiet in my emotional pain until I was able to hide in my bedroom and cry my eyeballs out. And I bet that many if not all of the LF peeps (hi Oxy) have dealt with the hurtful comments the same why I did.
As the brilliant and educated Takingmeback refers to it as…Egodystonic. Our thoughts, feelings and ideas are in conflict with the ego, so I guess therefore we tend to internalize our pain until we develop a neurosis and/or self loathing, as if we’re the cause of the verbal abuse.
Not true. I no longer believe that I am an awful person and everyone hates me. In fact, I consider myself quite lovable….haha. It took a gazillion years to truly believe that I AM lovable/loving/worthy/a super great gal and I absolutely could not have come this far without the continued guidance, mercy and love of our Holy Father.
He was there with his arms outstretched when I just couldn’t carry the heavy burden of my irrational fears and worries. My relief was almost instantaneous and over a period of months, by choosing to confront those fears and deal with them little by little, I became freer every day. Taking those first baby steps was essential to my now peace, happiness and serenity.
I was the complete opposite of the woman I am now. I was negative, a worse case scenario person who thought the glass was always half empty instead of half full.
Staying positive, glimpsing the silver lining in every minor annoyance, keeps me in harmony, keeps me stabilized and liberated. Like, for instance, I loathe waiting in lines. But I remind myself as I’m waiting, that at least I’m ALIVE and able to stand here with all the other folks who are doing the same darn thing. Then I start chattin, being witty and soon every one is smiling and having a good time in a long line…haha.
A gal’s gotta do what a gal’s gotta do to spread the contagious sunshine around and about those gloomy gusses. 🙂
Speaking up and speaking out… it’s a big step in our recovery.
When I first agreed with Donna about putting my story on this site, it was more than just telling my story… (see True LoveFraud Stories on the main menu under Used Car Salesman), I wanted to prevent someone else from becoming involved with him. I think that some of us who are able to ‘go public’ with what happened will never realize the good we have accomplished or the pain we may have saved someone else down the street, in another state or across the world.
My story actually did reach the new girlfriend (a well-to-do widow), and she broke off the relationship by telling him that she had found out that he had ‘a terrible reputation!’ I realized that after all of the women that he had victimized, one found out about him and was able to save herself the emotional and financial hardship which others had experienced.
Some people listen, and some people recognize the inevitable downside of being in a relationship with a sociopath. Those are the women (and men) who will not risk their futures on someone with a bad track record. For those people, a warning is sufficient.
For others who ignore the warnings and the red flags and/or those who simply don’t know what a sociopath is or how to recognize one, and maybe don’t even care, they are in for a difficult life lesson and they have my deepest sympathy and support in what surely will be a ‘rough road’ ahead.
Dear Blondie,
How do you learn to love yourself? Slowly, the say way you learned not to be considerate of yourself.
Loving yourself is NOT selfish, it isn’t narcissistic, but you realize that YOU ARE WORTHY, you are GOOD.
I had always believed that I had to “make everyone happy” in order to be okay myself. If you were unhappy with me, it was always “my fault”–I should have been “nicer” and “done more” for you. Not acted “selfishly.”
What happened was I didn’t have boundaries that said to people “please treat me with respect ifyou want to be in my life”—instead I had a sign on my forehead that said “abuse accepted here.”
Now I am learning that if other people are upset with me, it is not necessarily “my fault” or “my responsibility” and that I am NOT REQUIRED to make everyone else happy, or to do for them what they could and SHOULD do for themselves.
I am still a caring and helpful person, BUT—here’s the BUT—I no longer willingly run to assume responsibility for the consequences of their bad behaivor or their poor choices. I no longer feel guilty because I don’t take on the consequences of poor decisons by others.
I am learning to say “I will not be treated like that” and set a boundary and STICK to it.
My car is not yours to drive, while I walk.
My food is not yours to eat while I go hungry.
My money is not yours to spend for necessities while you spend yours on toys.
I will not be spoken to with disrespect, no matter who you are.
I do not need to feel guilty or bad that you have needs that you could have and should have met, but that you chose to neglect, and now expect me to “bail you out” of the fix that you put yourself in.
Setting boundaries is HEALTHY and it helps you to realize that YOU ARE IMPORTANT, just as important as anyone in the world, and should be more important to yourself.
My son and I have some friends who are and have been for many years very dear to our family, but right now they are not behaving as responsible adults. The series of bad decisions that they have made are spiraling them lower and lower in the financial situation until there is a point soon that they may actually become homeless and hungry.
We gave them an OPPORTUNITY to help themselves. A hand UP not a hand OUT–they chose not to take advantage of this, but instead took this as an opportunity to have us MEET THEIR BASIC NEEDS that they were UNWILLING TO DO FOR THEMSELVES.
This was the first really difficult boundary that I had ever set in my life and I cried for days with anxiety about doing it. But I did it because I was not doing them any good and I was making myself miserable by “walking on egg shells” around them while they tried to use me to enable their bad decisions.
I finally set the boundary and told them that they had to leave here. When you set a boundary though, you have to be prepared for the relationship to END. Soemtimes it will end, and sometimes people will respect your boundary and the relationship is HEALED. Not all boundaries are such that “If you do that again I will shoot you” (boundary + consequence), but at the same time reasonable boundaries tell the other person what you will tolerate and what you won’t. Just like with your children.
“Junior, I let you borrow my car, but you brought it home with the gas tank totally empty. I would like you to take it to the station and pay to get it filled up. (boundary) but if this happens in the future, you will not be allowed to borrow my car any more.”(consequence)
Sometimes it is just a matter of teaching people “common MANNERS” like for example you have a neighbor that comes to your house and comes in without knocking frequently. If this irritates you then you need to set a boundary, it is, after all YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES.
So just say “Mary, I really enjoy you coming over, but I would appreciate it if in the future when you come over, you knock before you come in and I will answer the door if it is a convenient time for you to visit.” If mary doesn’t respect this boundary and continues to ignore your request, it might be that it will take locking the door, or discontinuing the relationshp altogether.
It isn’t rude or selfish to want to be treated well by others, treated with manners and respect, and when you start making boundaries, relationships run better, others respect you more and ultimately you respect yourself.
This is what I have been working on, and it makes a big difference to be able to say “No, I can’t help you” when you don’t want or need to. When people request things and you really don’t want to do them, DON’T DO THEM. Just say NO. ((((Blondie)))))
Reading James story re the way himself and the children were treated.I can relate to that too.
I was involved with a charming man I was walking on air even.
Something about him didnt seem quite right, but I put it down to a recent close bereavement and his age and as I cared for him, we had been together six months I overlooked those things he led me to believe that he cared for me too . Everything was arranged and controlled by him. On the one occassion that I questioned and disagreed with him about something, that was it. I realized later what he was . Im reading Linda Martinez-Lewi. P.H,D. book. Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in your life.p31. When it becomes evident that you are of no value to him there is nothing swifter than the narcissist brush off.sometimes subtle often abrupt. What appeared to be a vital link with the Narcissist has just been expertly severed. In my case it was brutal. ,( as he had misled me all along the realationship)
I am relatively new to this forum. This information has helped me a great deal. I met my sociopath on a reptile forum that we both belong to. He strung me along with lies for 2-1/2 months before I figured out he was very married and lying about a number of things. Though it’s easy to sever contact with him (and thank God it was only 2-1/2 months!), he still is a frequent poster on my website. He lists his marital status as “no answer” I presume so he can play new women. I love my internet community and wish that I could warn them about him. But any kind of post like that is considered gossip and will cause me to get banned from the site. When things ended with him and me, he began collecting snakes. He bought 8 snakes and 8 cages (to the tune of $$thousands) in a manner of a few months. I believe this speaks to some sort of emptiness he experiences, especially since he lost me.
The pain of the ending was excruciating. He went from telling me he was in love with me and wanting to spend his life with me on a Friday to standing me up with no call the next day and posting on the site as if nothing had happened. It was 2 days later that I saw the picture he posted of his new snake—and wearing his wedding ring.
I took about 6 weeks to heal and vent with friends and counselors. Then I decided to turn him in to the army, where he is junior leadership. I found out adultery is in violation of their codes and he will get demoted. I also hope his wife will find out for her own sake. I also found out when I called his commander that he is faking a medical condition to get out. I had no idea!! The only thing I said I wanted was to warn his wife that he uses that site to pick up local women, and also to get him off the site. I don’t know if the army can prohibit him from being on it.
I was a psych major in college and studied about sociopaths quite a bit. But I had never really met one before. I am wowed at their ability to schmooze people and convince people of their lies. They lie at the drop of a hat and seem so sweet and sincere. Even all my friends were fooled.
Anyway, thanks for everyone’s insight. It helps me not to go back into denial.
I > the other woman. He swore they were just friends and said he found her unattractive (only he didn’t say it so nicely). It was inconceivable that anyone would speak so derisively about a woman he was sleeping with who was in fact his girlfriend.
This was part of the shock/horror of it. Being conned into doing something evil myself–something I NEVER would have done knowingly.
Now he has a new victim–another woman in my church group, and this one a friend of mine for many years. I want to warn her, but we haven’t spoken recently, and I am afraid she would not believe me.
He may have already told her something about me to “inoculate” himself against such a warning.
It is a blessing to have a chance to warn someone.
Dear JMB,
There is a thread and essay here about “warning or not” the OW, and all I can say for myself is “sometimes yes, sometimes no” depending on each situation. Most of the time they do “innoculate” (I like that word there, makes perfect sense) the other one about us talking bad about them, so that they won’t believe.
This woman will probably have to find out for herself, but if he does in enough women he will have to move on to another church to get new supply.
They use religion as a cloak many times and it’s a pretty good one as most churches will easily “forgive” the sinner. I’m sorry that you had to go through all this pain and horror. They don’t make it easy for the one they are lying to, but be assured, he is lying to her just like he did you. Her turn will come. Then maybe you can be there to help her through the pain, she’s just another of his victims. ((((JMB))))