It was just a name in the subject line of an email.
I knew the name. How could I forget it? It was the name of the man who had betrayed my trust and my love for the four years nine months of our relationship.
Curious, I opened the email and read the words of a woman whose daughter’s girlfriend is engaged to a man named ”˜Jack’ (not his real name). I think he’s the same man you knew, she wrote. I read your website and the article from when your book was published. Do you have a picture?
I wrote back and told her I had burnt every picture I had of him. She sent me one by return email. Is this the same man? I’m really scared for my daughter’s safety. Conrad and my daughter’s friend have been living with us for a couple of months. He’s made lots of promises. Lots of commitments to do this, do that. None of them have come true.
I wrote back.
Unfortunately, it’s him. You can’t change him, I told her. You can help your daughter and her friend get free by learning as much as you can as fast as you can about narcissism and sociopaths. I gave her a couple of websites to read and I suggested a couple of things she could do to end the abuse now. There’s a good chance he’s up to his illegal activities once again as he has two high-end cars in their drive and one license plate which he continually shifts from vehicle to vehicle. I’ve suggested she contact the police and have offered to speak with the young woman who believes she has been swept up into Prince Charming’s arms.
When I wrote The Dandelion Spirit, I wanted to help women and men caught in a liar’s web to make sense of the craziness. I wanted to encourage and enlighten as well as inspire people.
Over the two years since the book was published I have heard from countless people — telling me their stories, asking for advice, thanking me for helping them understand and to breathe freely again.
I never expected to be able to help someone extricate themselves from Conrad’s web.
Expect the unexpected and life will never disappoint you.
It is my belief that knowledge is a gift to be shared. I learned a lot through the ”˜Jack’ experience. Learned about narcissism, sociopaths/psychopaths. About liars and abusers. And, I learned about being free. About turning up for me, in all my cuts and bruises, to stand tall and proud, a victor in my own life.
Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse — and to help them find their courage to do it.
I have been blessed. In the 5+ years since my release, I have been given the gift of healing and the opportunity to help others find their paths away from abuse.
I am one lucky woman and I want to share my good fortune with the world around me.
“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco
Everyday, survivors of these affairs stumble into this sight and take heart at the words written here by those who have journeyed through similar darkness. In our sharing we brighten the road and lighten the load of those who have fallen behind us. In our sharing, we illuminate the path for others to follow.
I never expected to be given the gift of helping someone involved with the same man I was. When first I read her words and thought about my response, I wondered if I was doing it out of vindictiveness, or was I truly coming from a loving heart.
I questioned myself to ensure I stood true to me, my values, principles and beliefs. And then, in the end, I realized — my heart belongs to me. In helping someone else, I am not going after him, I am going after what is right — sharing what I know and have learned so that someone else can find their way out of the darkness.
For the woman who wrote me, the story has a happy ending. She got him out of her house. For his new girlfriend, the story continues. She did not heed their advice. Did not want to hear what they said about him.
I know where she’s at. I know how scared she is and how frightened and alone she feels. I cannot change her path. I cannot alter her course. I can only continue to do what I do to create a world of peace around me: speak out against abuse and speak up for those who have lost their voice.
I did warn the OW when I discovered her long term relationship. She played the part of ‘victim’ very well and made it clear she wanted to get away from him. Two weeks later, I discovered that she was still seeing him and happy to steal my money too!! That betrayal was somehow worse than his as she was a ‘friend’ and from the same culture as me.
With the help of LF and other wonderfully informative sites, I can see now that she too must have some personality disorder. It is one thing to be duped (we all have)but quite another to indulge in scams and deceit willingly in your own right and without any remorse.
Each situation is different and before we warn anyone, we must weigh up the consequences. As things became clear in my situation I started NC with the OW too and chose to only warn those who would be in contact with either of them ( but who were not already hooked emotionally) and with facts that I could verify. The OW did threaten to sue me for slander but I knew it was a bluff. She has now left the country because I think she realises that I have opened Pandora’s box. I felt safe to do this as I was reunited with my husband and I was protected in that way but for others who have to battle alone it would be far more risky. Each of us has to operate within our own limitations to protect ourselves. If we can warn others it’s a good thing but NOT at any price.
Swallow
I can’t believe it! No more than 5 minutes before I turned on my computer and opened this email, i was asking myself the question…will she realize what i said was said MOSTLY out of love and concern for her…so she woulldn’t have to go through all the pain, all the lies and craziness? There was some anger, but in the end I cared for her and her little baby, she was in a new town and he had talked her into moving all the way across the country knowing noone and the only job he can get is long haul truck driving…away for two weeks at a time.. A little over a month of knowing her I had to go (and he didn’t want her speaking to me anyway). I have to get well myself, after 11 years with him…I let him back in my life with her for a month he duped me for over 600 dollars and alot of empty promises…i guess i had to do it one last time to really see how sick he is. I forgive myself for this and am working on me and getting healthy friends. God Bless this site, it always helps me. I need to use it more often. -britneyhammer(my dogs names)
My experience now is that the lady who was the other women, and is now the main woman, has some serious insecurities with me. Why is that? She stole him away from me and his baby. I gave him permission to go, by telling him he needed to leave. And now she has insecurity, jealousy and territorial issues with ME?!?! What is the psychology behind that? Part of me is thinking he must be feeding it to her or something. I just don’t get it.
I have less drama more money, better self worth since the fraud has gone, i have not heard from her since late June, she has tried to make contact via e mail, i just forward it to my Attorney and do not respond, that is the key. As i said in another comment, i wonder after they get old and when thier beauty fades do they ever stop ?
Dear Bird,
He may already have another “soul mate” besides her, and she is feeling the insecurities. Of course he is using you and Birdie to give her grief. That’s what they do, they are bringers of grief!
She obviously has issues or she would not have “taken your man” under the circumstances. Now she is the abused one, instead of you, so they surface.Their “soul mate” relationship won’t be very long lasting, you know that–even without a crystal ball. LOL If it twer me, I wouldn’t even worry about what she is thinking my dear. YOu got the best of the deal by far, you got him gone, my advice is to do your best to ignore her. He also may be telling her that you are running after him. They do love the drama and women fighting over them.
Bird,
he’s doing the SAME thing to her. my s/p told me he would NEVER treat a woman poorly again because he was so ”upset” that he ”hurt” me. what a bunch of crap.
while his new relationship is only a few months old, already he told me (‘she’ll already do whatever i tell her to’). i feel sorry for his new conquest. and already … after barely two weeks … i’m already starting to feel like my old self. but i know i have a long way to go.
hang in there … these blogs have literally saved me!!
i might be changing my blog name … i’m not ‘lost in grief’ anymore. i’m pissedashell!
Bird,
God only knows what lies he is feeding her – that plus her unbalanced view on life anyway will have her in a complete spin. She may already be regretting what she has done but will not want to admit it. Her best form of defense is to attack you – the one person she knows did not derserve it.
As Oxy says just ignore her, don’t take the bait and buy into their sick game. Neither she or him are your problem now.
Swallow
Dear “pissedashell” the blogger formerly known as Lost in Grief, LOL
I’m glad you’re mad! That’s a good sign! The anger gives us strength to do what we have to do initially and that is to get the heck away from them and stay away from them! WAY TO GO GF!
ox: yea, but then i tear up again.
the biggest problem i have right now is that a friend of his, who i had been doing some editing work for, has stopped talking to me. and his family — who i have been very close to for 20+ years — has closed ranks around him.
sigh … there’s nothing i can do about any of it. i wish i didn’t know anyone he knows! not to mention, his new conquest lives nearby and he works nearby, so i’m very worried about having to see him parading his new pregnant, hot, young girlfriend around.
do i pretend not to notice? laugh at it? hide in my apartment?
any ideas out there in sociopath-healing-ville?
Lostingrief/pissedashell,
I’m just skimming here so please forgive me if I don’t have the full scoop. If you’re saying that your ex’s friends and family are now avoiding you it sounds like he may have launched a smear campaign. I had that experience. I may be wrong in your situation but it seems to come with the territory of the folks we’ve dealt with.
They often talk behind your back and say one thing to their family and friends and then a completely different thing to you. Like my ex wanting to be in my life while telling everyone else that I was harassing him. When we spent time together it was mutual. But he told people it was wasn’t. He had his then g/f (who I didn’t know he was dating) call him whenever we were together to check up on him. He later told me this. He told them I was dangerous and crazy. Furthest thing from the truth but oh well. It got worse too. He had an attorney send me a no contact letter again implying that I was harassing him. This was after I told him goodbye for good. He had to have control at all times and look like the victim and the “good guy”.
I hope that’s not the case with you but I thought you might want to be aware of that. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I was lucky. Although it wasn’t pleasant to know people thought wrongly of me I live in another state so I didn’t have to see them. But the letter was sent to the police department where I live and where I work (two different counties). He wanted me to be humiliated. I wasn’t. I know who I am. I was angry at his games but I never did anything to wrong him but to love and support him and then say enough is enough. But again, I held onto the truth that I know myself and if anyone thinks differently of me then they don’t know me and they are also victims of his lies. It’s sad. So I walked with my head held high.
I was very close to my ex’s niece and that was probably the hardest for me. She took to me and even after the break-up we spent time together and his sister told me she was so thankful for that as it meant a lot to them. But it was best to have no contact with anyone associated with him. I had to cut all ties for my sake. He was a walking contradiction and head game. It is better to know nothing about his life that can hurt me anymore. Finding out about so many lies just led me to feel more and more betrayal.
About seeing him and his new g/f. You know what she is and will be going through. If anything I would feel badly for her. You’re not missing out on anything. I encourage you to continue to live your life. Don’t hide out in your apartment and avoid doing what you need to do. But take care of yourself. If it’s too painful to see them and you’re walking into a restaurant where they are then maybe go some place else. I’m not saying avoid life but you can choose not to be around them if it’s too hard. But be yourself, hold your head high.
He may parade her around you on purpose to get a reaction out of you. I know I’d just act myself and say hello if they’re looking at me and then walk on. As if you just saw an acquaintance. I know it’s not the same but I wouldn’t want to give them anything to be able to pull apart. Like did you see that smirk? She’s so jealous. Or did you see that stare? She’s such a psycho. Again, I’m going from what’s happened to me so this is just some food for thought.
Please take care of yourself. Going between anger and tears is normal. These folks like getting a reaction out of us so that they feel good knowing we hurt. It shows them just how important they are that we still care. It’s cold. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But you have a great perspective and you’re asking great questions.
One last piece of food for thought. Don’t believe anything he says. You just can’t. They lie and manipulate as a rule. As you said he’s already treating his g/f badly. They don’t change. No pity for them. Treat yourself well. Do what you feel is best for you and hold your head high. You know the truth and you are free!