It was just a name in the subject line of an email.
I knew the name. How could I forget it? It was the name of the man who had betrayed my trust and my love for the four years nine months of our relationship.
Curious, I opened the email and read the words of a woman whose daughter’s girlfriend is engaged to a man named ”˜Jack’ (not his real name). I think he’s the same man you knew, she wrote. I read your website and the article from when your book was published. Do you have a picture?
I wrote back and told her I had burnt every picture I had of him. She sent me one by return email. Is this the same man? I’m really scared for my daughter’s safety. Conrad and my daughter’s friend have been living with us for a couple of months. He’s made lots of promises. Lots of commitments to do this, do that. None of them have come true.
I wrote back.
Unfortunately, it’s him. You can’t change him, I told her. You can help your daughter and her friend get free by learning as much as you can as fast as you can about narcissism and sociopaths. I gave her a couple of websites to read and I suggested a couple of things she could do to end the abuse now. There’s a good chance he’s up to his illegal activities once again as he has two high-end cars in their drive and one license plate which he continually shifts from vehicle to vehicle. I’ve suggested she contact the police and have offered to speak with the young woman who believes she has been swept up into Prince Charming’s arms.
When I wrote The Dandelion Spirit, I wanted to help women and men caught in a liar’s web to make sense of the craziness. I wanted to encourage and enlighten as well as inspire people.
Over the two years since the book was published I have heard from countless people — telling me their stories, asking for advice, thanking me for helping them understand and to breathe freely again.
I never expected to be able to help someone extricate themselves from Conrad’s web.
Expect the unexpected and life will never disappoint you.
It is my belief that knowledge is a gift to be shared. I learned a lot through the ”˜Jack’ experience. Learned about narcissism, sociopaths/psychopaths. About liars and abusers. And, I learned about being free. About turning up for me, in all my cuts and bruises, to stand tall and proud, a victor in my own life.
Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse — and to help them find their courage to do it.
I have been blessed. In the 5+ years since my release, I have been given the gift of healing and the opportunity to help others find their paths away from abuse.
I am one lucky woman and I want to share my good fortune with the world around me.
“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco
Everyday, survivors of these affairs stumble into this sight and take heart at the words written here by those who have journeyed through similar darkness. In our sharing we brighten the road and lighten the load of those who have fallen behind us. In our sharing, we illuminate the path for others to follow.
I never expected to be given the gift of helping someone involved with the same man I was. When first I read her words and thought about my response, I wondered if I was doing it out of vindictiveness, or was I truly coming from a loving heart.
I questioned myself to ensure I stood true to me, my values, principles and beliefs. And then, in the end, I realized — my heart belongs to me. In helping someone else, I am not going after him, I am going after what is right — sharing what I know and have learned so that someone else can find their way out of the darkness.
For the woman who wrote me, the story has a happy ending. She got him out of her house. For his new girlfriend, the story continues. She did not heed their advice. Did not want to hear what they said about him.
I know where she’s at. I know how scared she is and how frightened and alone she feels. I cannot change her path. I cannot alter her course. I can only continue to do what I do to create a world of peace around me: speak out against abuse and speak up for those who have lost their voice.
ML: thanks. i needed that brutal honesty.
i just don’t want him to be happy. i don’t want him to win. i don’t want to think that i got royally screwed (in EVERY way) and he gets to go off without a second thought. i want justice. for me. for his x-wife. for his new girl. for his family. for his kids. why is there no justice for these people?
this is only 2 weeks old for me. after many many years, it’s hard to now just focus on me. because i’m not very happy with myself right now. i’m a smart, loving, caring, warm person who was so incredibly stupid for so incredibly long that i don’t have a whole lot of respect for who i have become. he saw how stupid and weak i was … no wonder he didn’t want me anymore.
but, i do feel less anxious not having to worry about what hell he’s going to wreak next. no worries about is he going to be loving or push me away; be happy or angry; want sex or tell me ”i don’t want THAT.”
i just can’t wrap my brain around the level of sickness. is it even real? i’m going for a long walk. gotta stop obsessing about questions with no answers … right?
thanks again. good days, bad days right now, ya’ know?
lostingrief,
I think I am the last one catching up on posts after you LOL. I do encourage you to look up betrayal bonds. There is a good book on it by Patrick Carnes. As for wanting justice that is soooo normal. I did too. My ex’s late wife died young from Leukemia and I can only imagine how his abuse broke her down over the years. It broke my heart. I was sick about it. Knowing his next victim I was just as sick. I tried to warn her and what she decides is up to her. Better that someone at least cue her in as I wish they had done with me.
But there is a notion of survivor guilt that I have experienced. I can’t save the world from him even though I’d like to put a tatoo on his forehead, “Beware. I’m a sociopath!” I wish there was justice for us having been conned and abused but, to date, our legal system doesn’t recognize this abuse as cause for action. Our justice comes from the wisdom we’ve gained, educating others and taking great care of ourselves.
If you haven’t read the steps to recovery on LF than I encourage you to do so. Obessing is part of the process. Please be gentle with yourself and know that there’s no need to rush the process of recovery. Allow yourself to go through it even though it’s painful. Your mind is trying to figure things out and come to some understanding. It needs to do this. What you experienced was traumatic. In time your mind will sort it out and you will start to feel more peace. But you need to go through it to get there. In time you will start to see things more clearly the longer you stay away from your ex. You will perhaps notice more, remember more and the twisted reality they created for you will untangle for you to see what was real and what was a manipulation. This is what they do. Distort our perceptions.
It’s actually good to hear you not wanting him to be happy! That is where the anger needs to go. Not towards yourself. To not want him to win. But I do advise you to be careful with that. I really struggled here and the temptation of retaliating was so hard to supress. I had to keep telling mysel that retaliating is what he wanted. He made it a game, I didn’t. If I participate in the game he is getting what he wants. The way to win their game is no contact. They want you to engage and end up behaving in ways that they can point and say, “see they’re crazy.” I’m not mad, but look at them. There’s something wrong with them as I’m not reacting. That is a trap that we need to be careful to navigate and not fall into. But being angry at them is a step in our recovery.
I’m glad to hear you went for a walk. Trying to do something to take care of ourselves is so good. But also realize that if you had control of the obsessing and all right now you would stop it. I was diagnosed with PTSD following my experience. The constant flood of thoughts that came in were awful and in time have decreased significantly. It is your mind’s way of protecting itself even though it feels awful. Some of us choose to see a therapist and some even have taken medication to address anxiety and depression. It’s a personal choice. But what you’ve experienced is traumatic and I encourage you to educate yourself about how people respond to trauma and how they heal.
As for the level sickness in them being real. Yes, it is real. Often we on LF find it helpful in understanding the different theories on why they are the way they are. We learn that what they do, as awful as it sounds, isn’t personal. But in knowing this we realize that it isn’t us, it’s them. They truly do suffer from a mental disorder. What’s scary is how “normal” they can appear and how easily then can blend in and disguise their disorder. That’s why they are labelled as cons and master manipulators.
I am willing to bet you are intelligent, attractive, make friends easily and a very competent individual. These are often the attributes of a victim. You represent everything that he wasn’t and he exploited that in you. I’m willing to bet you see the good in life and in people and trust that others are like you. He used you as a mirror for those wonderful qualities. You may feel very differently about yourself now but that’s because you got trapped in that mirror with him and he started to project himself onto you. Remembering who you are is important. Identifying that you are still that person but have been horribly abused by someone who jealously tried to suck all those qualities out of you is key. Time will further help you to see this as well.
My heart goes out to you and I keep responding to your posts because I can relate and it wasn’t too too long ago that I was in the same place you are. What you’re experiencing is normal. Hang in there and please keep us posted on how you’re doing.
Thanks again for your very thoughtful response.
I’m doing okay today. I guess the hardest part is just the level of disbelief I feel. A lot of our relationship was very intimate and normal. But knowing now that it was all part of his scheme to get my total trust so he could USE me on the level he did (still asking me for massages while he’s cheating — grrrr!) is tough to take.
Yes, I’m a strong, competent woman. I used to feel attractive, but I’m overweight and 6 yrs older than the p/s, so toward the end all I heard was how “I don’t want THAT!” as he rejected me physically — then didn’t — then did — then didn’t; all the time telling me that ”no one wants YOU … not even ME!”
By then, I was so confused and disbelieving that he would ever have spoken to me this way, I was emotionally paralyzed. HOWEVER … even with just two weeks of NO CONTACT I’m truly beginning to feel a lot less anxious, and taking pleasure in simple things I forgot I loved — blasting classical music, putting out flowers and candles for ME, going for long walks (which I stopped doing IN CASE he was coming by!
His family (who I have known for years) have already distanced themselves from me, and mutual friends who were closer to him have stopped calling me. I guess it is all for the best.
I don’t want him (although I truly will miss the physical nature of our relationship), and I know I’m far better off without living in his torture chamber where you never quite knew which form of torture was coming next.
To all of you. Thanks again. This blog is invaluable in sorting our feelings and mis-feelings about these leeches.
Peace to all …
Lostingrief,
I’m glad that you’re doing okay. You are a very strong woman!!! I’m seriously glad that you’re sharing your feelings here and giving us an opportunity to share with you in turn. What you have to share in so valuable. In fact, you just answered one of the questions I have been trying to figure out. My ex lied about his age. He was the same age as his late wife but has told everyone he was younger. He had told her too. When someone gave me information about his aliases it also included information about his real birth date. I couldn’t figure out why he would lie. I suppose he could use that to tear her down as your ex did with you. How horrid is that?
Now, he is fighting the signs of his age and doing what he can to look younger. I know a lot of people go through this but he is an extreme. He would often balk at how people thought his g/f was his daughter and even while I was with him, his stylist thought I was his niece or something. He hated that. When I showed others pictures of him they commented that he was, “a man” LOL. I would laugh at that but what they would say how much older he looked. That would be because he is! Only then I didn’t know it.
Anyhow, he is 6’3″ and about 350lbs. He is solid muscle and gut! After telling me how much he loved my body, he began to dig in with his comments. “Don’t you want to lose weight so someday you can wear a bikini?” It’s like the love song playing on the LP just came to a screeching halt. What was that? I am in shape but yes, overweight, but I’ve always been told I am attractive. My weight has never been a problem with anyone before. Now I was supposed to be concerned about wearing a bikini? I didn’t realize that this was important in life. My health, yes, being able to wear a bikini, no.
And let us take a look at him shall we? LOL He used to complain that he and his late wife would diet together but she would always cheat. He said she had a double standard as she’d cheat but expect him to stay on the diet. If you saw pictures of her she hardly needed to lose weight. Not really at all. He, however, needs to lose A LOT. They are absurd. They will use anything to make us feel badly about ourselves.
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be overweight, be older (which I’m actually 5 years younger), be anything but what he is. I can change my outward appearance any day. However, it is what’s inside that makes me who I am. I can even tweak that to grow and become the best I can be. But I have the ingredients and fortitude to do that. He, however, does not. Ingredients are one thing, fortitude is whole other story.
Geez, the commonality of experience never ceases to amaze me. My ex, i must say, is stunning. Gorgeous face, and an even more amazing body, BUT this has always been a big part of his downfall, I believe. It was always why everyone wanted a piece of him. Even today, he can walk into a club and in 10 minutes he has the phone numbers of five females in his pocket. He has a lot of depth (or does he!?), but he’s known for his looks, his ‘swag’, his athleticism, his style. So, yea, he’s a shallow prick, for the most part. But NO EXCUSES! He uses this — along with his charm, dark intense eyes, et al — like a glimmering lure to take advantage of (mostly) females. I remember when he was a teenager, he’d go out for a few hours and come back with gold chains, leather jackets, etc. Unbelievable. You’d think I would have gotten it back then when we were were just friends. But instead, I was fascinated with his ability to move through life with so little effort, and I guess, when we got together that I wanted to experience that, albeit vicariously. I thought that because of our history, he’d never do me ‘dirty.’ But that’s exactly what I got. He cheated, and didn’t use a condom. He cheated, and lied about it for at least six months (I made it a point not to ask ANY questions about the girl, what they did, for how long, her age (he likes them young, i know), ethnicity, etc).
Where am I going with this? I dunno. I’m overweight and he’s (physically a god), but so freakin’ what!? I wouldn’t want to be him for three seconds. Karma is a bitch, but I’m not!
Kat I think when and if I hear he has been kicked to the curb by his current victim, that is when I can let go…..is this jealousy on my part or seeking validation? But I don’t know how I will find out, I am out of the loop as far as info on him goes, unless he deliver’s the new’s himself and if that is the case I have plan’s for that too………
Everyone,
I was having lunch with friends yesterday and suddenly the P came into the conversation. Some of them know what he has done to me but (very loyally) had obviously not told the others. They were all going to the resort where he works and talking about him as if he was a perfectly nice normal guy.
What shocked me was my reaction. The anger and frustration just overwhelmed me and after a few minutes I couldn’t stand it any longer and left. I could not stand to hear him spoken of in that way. It was so painful to know that he has just ‘got away with it’ and no-one can touch him. Two of my firends came running after me as they had suddenly realised why I was so upset. They were truly sorry and I managed to calm down and carry on with lunch.
Until now I thought that I had it under control. I felt so stupid afterwards but I suppose it was what is known as a flashback from PTSD. For those few minutes I was transported back into the nightmare. Today, although I feel a little depressed I’m not feeling too bad.
Lostingrief – I am telling you all this as some of you are new to the NC process and recovery. For me it is 2 1/2 years since I walked away but it illustrates how damaging a P relationship is and that recovery does take a long time so go easy on yourself. The big difference with me now as opposed to a year ago is that I can overcome these negative feelings much quicker than before and it won’t ‘paralyse’ me with obsessive thoughts the way it did before.
Recovery is a very long and bumpy journey but however rough it is far far better than being stuck in a P relationship.
Swallow
swallow sorry you had that experience – but it worries me that even after 2.5 years you still have that reaction. how long were you with him?
Thanks, Swallow…
I know I’ll get through this, but it’s still so astonishing that he would do this when our history goes back 25 years.
Just when ya’ think you know someone …!
Henry,
I was only with him for 11 months and it does worry me that I can still react this way. I’ve come along way in recovery but I think I’ve got stuck somewhere in the anger thing. Some days I can think about it and it bounces off me, other times I am still in so much pain and so angry.
I am considering going to the Uk to try and get some therapy for these issues. Having had such a traumatic childhood, it’s possible that I’ve had PTSD for a very long time, not just from the P experience.
Thanks so much for your concern. It’s very comforting to talk with you all on LF, I can ssy anything and people understand and try to help. How are you doing?
Lostingrief – the biggest shock for all of us is to realise that we simply did not know that person at all although we would have bet money that we knew them best before the mask slipped!!
Swallow