It was just a name in the subject line of an email.
I knew the name. How could I forget it? It was the name of the man who had betrayed my trust and my love for the four years nine months of our relationship.
Curious, I opened the email and read the words of a woman whose daughter’s girlfriend is engaged to a man named ”˜Jack’ (not his real name). I think he’s the same man you knew, she wrote. I read your website and the article from when your book was published. Do you have a picture?
I wrote back and told her I had burnt every picture I had of him. She sent me one by return email. Is this the same man? I’m really scared for my daughter’s safety. Conrad and my daughter’s friend have been living with us for a couple of months. He’s made lots of promises. Lots of commitments to do this, do that. None of them have come true.
I wrote back.
Unfortunately, it’s him. You can’t change him, I told her. You can help your daughter and her friend get free by learning as much as you can as fast as you can about narcissism and sociopaths. I gave her a couple of websites to read and I suggested a couple of things she could do to end the abuse now. There’s a good chance he’s up to his illegal activities once again as he has two high-end cars in their drive and one license plate which he continually shifts from vehicle to vehicle. I’ve suggested she contact the police and have offered to speak with the young woman who believes she has been swept up into Prince Charming’s arms.
When I wrote The Dandelion Spirit, I wanted to help women and men caught in a liar’s web to make sense of the craziness. I wanted to encourage and enlighten as well as inspire people.
Over the two years since the book was published I have heard from countless people — telling me their stories, asking for advice, thanking me for helping them understand and to breathe freely again.
I never expected to be able to help someone extricate themselves from Conrad’s web.
Expect the unexpected and life will never disappoint you.
It is my belief that knowledge is a gift to be shared. I learned a lot through the ”˜Jack’ experience. Learned about narcissism, sociopaths/psychopaths. About liars and abusers. And, I learned about being free. About turning up for me, in all my cuts and bruises, to stand tall and proud, a victor in my own life.
Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse — and to help them find their courage to do it.
I have been blessed. In the 5+ years since my release, I have been given the gift of healing and the opportunity to help others find their paths away from abuse.
I am one lucky woman and I want to share my good fortune with the world around me.
“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco
Everyday, survivors of these affairs stumble into this sight and take heart at the words written here by those who have journeyed through similar darkness. In our sharing we brighten the road and lighten the load of those who have fallen behind us. In our sharing, we illuminate the path for others to follow.
I never expected to be given the gift of helping someone involved with the same man I was. When first I read her words and thought about my response, I wondered if I was doing it out of vindictiveness, or was I truly coming from a loving heart.
I questioned myself to ensure I stood true to me, my values, principles and beliefs. And then, in the end, I realized — my heart belongs to me. In helping someone else, I am not going after him, I am going after what is right — sharing what I know and have learned so that someone else can find their way out of the darkness.
For the woman who wrote me, the story has a happy ending. She got him out of her house. For his new girlfriend, the story continues. She did not heed their advice. Did not want to hear what they said about him.
I know where she’s at. I know how scared she is and how frightened and alone she feels. I cannot change her path. I cannot alter her course. I can only continue to do what I do to create a world of peace around me: speak out against abuse and speak up for those who have lost their voice.
henry:
thanks. you’re right. i’m trying really hard.
good minutes and bad. good days and not so good days.
thankfully, i go back to work tomorrow and start up on my master’s courses again. that’ll keep my mind far more occupied than it has been for these past two months.
TOWANDA!!!
Henry: that entire website is great … he’s a good link on NC.
http://groups.msn.com/PSYCHOPATH/nocontact.msnw
Henry, Lostingrief, etc.
KNOWLEDGE=POWER is true, but it isn’t KNOWLEDGE OF WHO THEY CHEATED WITH, it is Knowledge of WHAT THEY ARE.
Knowing all the different women/men they have been with, after the first couple or three that you find out, and knowing EVERY lie they told isn’t the point of “knowledge” that we must seek (although it seems that most of us become obscessed with this and want to know EVERY lie, every cheat, etc) what we must seek in the way of KNOWLEDGE is that EVERY PSYCHOPATH IS:
Someone who will not change
Someone who will lie without any thought
Someone who is manipulative
Someone who never loved you
Someone who is abusive
Someone who has NO REMORSE, NO CONSCIENCE
Someone who will use you like toilet paper and with the same amount of concern
Someone who ____________ (fill in the blanks)
That is the KNOWLEDGE THAT EQUALS POWER.
Once we realize that all those above statements are ALWAYS true about ALL PSYCHOPATHS, we can realize that they are ALWAYS true about OUR PSYCHOPATHS.
Now we can realize some more truths—about ourselves:
We are someone who CAN:
Change
Tell the truth
Love
Care
__________________(fill in the blanks)
That is the KNOWLEDGE that equals Power–that is the knowledge that will set us FREE.
Obscessing about them and their evil deeds isn’t helpful to us once we get enough “information” to “diagnose” them as psychpaths—more information is only counter productive (though we (at least I) seem/ed to crave it.)
As long as we CARE if there are 5 other people they slept with, or 50, we are still giving them POWER over us.
Once we know THEY **ARE** THE LIE, and that whatever comes out of their mouths is THE LIE, we need to “let that go” and move on. What difference, really, does it make if they lied 1 time or 1,000? None, really. But it is so hard to see that when we are IN FRESH PAIN. I think now that I am no longer in ACUTE PAIN I can see it more clearly now.
ACUTE pain blocks our eyes, ears, minds, from thinking clearly (I think Henry will say “yes” to that statement LOL) but NC calms the pain, the ACUTE pain, so we CAN think clearly. Any **ANY**contact, even calling their phone and hanging up RIPS THE SCAB OFF the wound and starts the pain afresh.
Good luck with your masters program, Lostingrief, and BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. (((hugs))))
what does towanda mean…i know ill slap myself after someone tells me
LOL newworld…
i got it from the movie ‘fried green tomatoes’. kathy bates’ character yells it after she ‘finds herself’ through her menopausal misery! it just always stuck with me. in one scene these young girls in a vw beetle steal a parking space that bates had been patiently waiting for. she tells them she was waiting for the space and they reply, ”face it lady, we’re younger and faster.” so bates yells TOWANDA!!! and smashes into their car … four or five times. the young girls start screaming, ”what are you doing!” and bates says, ”face it girls, i’m older and i have more insurance!” i can relate so well to her character, so i’ve been using the TOWANDA thing for years.
Ox: your post was very helpful…
and no, i didn’t get what the ‘knowledge’ was, but now i do.
thanks.
I love the TOWANDA thing! LOL
Dear LIG, I think we all or most of us obscess about finding out EVERYTHING about them—I know I sure did. It just seems a phase in the healing process, but I think if we stay in it very long it makes it hurt us more rather than less. I think maybe our “psyche” is crying out for this information like a kid wanting another piece of candy and you know he’s already had so much he will puke if he eats anouther piece, so if you are a good mommie, you will say NO—I think after a while we kind of have to be “mommie” to ourselves and say “NO, it isn’t good for you” and make our “inner child” behave for its own good. LOL If that makes any sense. Hope so.
I’m in the middle of taking the LOG OUT of my own eye, so hope I didn’t drive the splinter deeper into yours. (((hugs)))
tks lost in grief lol!!! that was a great movie
my p/s’s brother called me tonite to ”see how i was doing.” he said, ”i talked with him.” i immediately said, ”i don’t want to know ANYTHING! … please don’t tell me what he’s doing, who he’s with, or anything else about him. i don’t want to know what he said at all!” i told him that there was NO WAY that i was ever going to be with his brother again. that it was totally over. he understood. i know he was trying to be nice, since i told him what happened, and i was fine until he called. now i’m all upset again. i feel that i can’t have ANY CONTACT with anyone who even knows my ex. it’s just too much because our only real connection is based on a connection i want to lose! this weekend is the anniversary of their mom’s death — she was my best friend. so, it’s a tough time right now. i just need to be ALONE and away from anyone who knows him. how do you do this without being seen as stuck up. and i just KNOW he’s badmouthing me; god only knows what he told everyone. probably that he tried to break up with me for months and i couldn’t take a hint … or that i cheated on him.
okay, i’m upset and have to go back to work tomorrow at 7 a.m. gotta get some sleep. just needed to vent.
thanks everyone.
TOWANDA!!!!!
Benzthere,
Thanks for sharing with me. I wanted to share with you part of my devotional from this morning. I get it online every morning from Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life. I thought it fit very well into what we were talking about…
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Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7 (NIV)
After we’ve humbled ourselves and submitted to God, we’re then told to defy the Devil. We don’t passively resign ourselves to his attacks. We’re to fight back.
The New Testament often describes the Christian life as a spiritual battle against evil forces, using war terms such as fight, conquer, strive, and overcome. Christians are often compared to soldiers serving in enemy territory.
How can we resist the Devil? Paul tells us, “Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” (Ephesians 6:17 NLT).
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The focus of the devotional was about using scripture against evil. What is scripture commonly referred to…. “the truth”.
In our case it is definitely something we need to prepare for in order to protect ourselves first before revealing the truth about these predators (like putting on that helmet of salvation). We’re not dealing with safe people. But I have never been good at shying away from things like this. God gave me the kahonas to speak up for a reason and the ability to care less about being, “the last one standing” to fight a good cause. Often I have engaged in a good fight for something and one by one watched all those who “talked a good talk” back off when things got heated. The way I see it, if we allow bad people to intimidate us, like all of these S/Ps, then they get away with murder. I don’t believe that is the way to enact change.
I do believe that after the damage we’ve already incurred, we need to be careful and do things legally as you did. We need to be careful not to engage in their “game” and fall prey to further exploitation. For me, writing a letter filled with truth and offering his g/f open contact with others who can verify this truth (and referring her to this website) was legal. If he came back and yelled slander I could back up everything I said. Truth is not slander. Truth speaks for itself. I was willing to go wherever that truth led me if he retaliated. But I recognize that was my choice and I wrote that letter when I was strong enough to deal with whatever came my way.
I have often asked God why he made me the way he did. I have a hard time backing down when the sh– hits the fan so-to-speak. With my ex-roommate I felt like she was a nuisance and not worth the fight. However, she is a far cry from the dangers of my ex. To me, putting myself out there was worth it if it saved another woman from being hurt as badly as I was. I truly felt I had nothing to lose but to be “caught” speaking the truth. I was aware of his smear campaign and could care less. What kind of coward does something like he did in the first place? Oh, that’s right a “coward”. I don’t work in the darkness, as he does, I maneuver justly in the light. I don’t need to do anything underhanded as I have nothing to hide. That’s how I resolved to warn his g/f. I put it all out there for her to see. Whatever she did with it was her decision. Seeing as she never contacted me or complained, I figure she had something to think about. I gave her my contact information and she’s had ample ways to contact me to tell me off. The fact that she hasn’t gives me hope. He, however, responded, of course. To tell me if I cared about her to leave her alone as she was done with him. That would be lie #5628 in a serious of infinity! Does he really think I believe him? It irked me that he would even have the nerve to even attempt to speak on her behalf. Then to thank me for doing what he didn’t have the balls to do. I made it clear in my letter to her that I would not be contacting her again. Any further contact would need to be initiated by her. I hold to my word. What he did afterwards, watching him isolate her and try to prevent me from reaching her online by hacking my computer is disturbing. I wanted to tell her what he did, to show her how devious he is, but, as I said, I am true to my word. He clearly doesn’t want me giving her any more information. What he doesn’t know is that I’ve known her screenname and phone number for over a year. If I had wanted to contact her by those means, I would have. I chose my own handwriting to reveal the truth along with giving her my contact information. He didn’t need to hack my computer to block anything. He just gave himself away making it easier to find out who hacked my computer and why. Wasted effort for him. Validation for me.
I so commend you on what you’ve done. I see the danger in warning others as it can easily backlash onto us. However, I see a greater danger in not saying anything as I fear that silence allows these individuals to do what they do. They intimidate and harass us so they get away with it. My mother used to say that the reason my N father got violent with me when I was younger was because I wouldn’t back down from him. I’m not wired that way. In the same way my ex said he’s not wired to forgive, I’m not wired to stay silent in the face of evil and I call it out for what it is. Yes, it’s hurt me before but I’m still standing. And as long as I’m standing I will choose my battles wisely but I will not retreat. I don’t believe I was created to be who I am to retreat. But as I said, the wisdom comes in choosing battles wisely. That is the greatest lesson of all for me.