It was just a name in the subject line of an email.
I knew the name. How could I forget it? It was the name of the man who had betrayed my trust and my love for the four years nine months of our relationship.
Curious, I opened the email and read the words of a woman whose daughter’s girlfriend is engaged to a man named ”˜Jack’ (not his real name). I think he’s the same man you knew, she wrote. I read your website and the article from when your book was published. Do you have a picture?
I wrote back and told her I had burnt every picture I had of him. She sent me one by return email. Is this the same man? I’m really scared for my daughter’s safety. Conrad and my daughter’s friend have been living with us for a couple of months. He’s made lots of promises. Lots of commitments to do this, do that. None of them have come true.
I wrote back.
Unfortunately, it’s him. You can’t change him, I told her. You can help your daughter and her friend get free by learning as much as you can as fast as you can about narcissism and sociopaths. I gave her a couple of websites to read and I suggested a couple of things she could do to end the abuse now. There’s a good chance he’s up to his illegal activities once again as he has two high-end cars in their drive and one license plate which he continually shifts from vehicle to vehicle. I’ve suggested she contact the police and have offered to speak with the young woman who believes she has been swept up into Prince Charming’s arms.
When I wrote The Dandelion Spirit, I wanted to help women and men caught in a liar’s web to make sense of the craziness. I wanted to encourage and enlighten as well as inspire people.
Over the two years since the book was published I have heard from countless people — telling me their stories, asking for advice, thanking me for helping them understand and to breathe freely again.
I never expected to be able to help someone extricate themselves from Conrad’s web.
Expect the unexpected and life will never disappoint you.
It is my belief that knowledge is a gift to be shared. I learned a lot through the ”˜Jack’ experience. Learned about narcissism, sociopaths/psychopaths. About liars and abusers. And, I learned about being free. About turning up for me, in all my cuts and bruises, to stand tall and proud, a victor in my own life.
Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse — and to help them find their courage to do it.
I have been blessed. In the 5+ years since my release, I have been given the gift of healing and the opportunity to help others find their paths away from abuse.
I am one lucky woman and I want to share my good fortune with the world around me.
“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco
Everyday, survivors of these affairs stumble into this sight and take heart at the words written here by those who have journeyed through similar darkness. In our sharing we brighten the road and lighten the load of those who have fallen behind us. In our sharing, we illuminate the path for others to follow.
I never expected to be given the gift of helping someone involved with the same man I was. When first I read her words and thought about my response, I wondered if I was doing it out of vindictiveness, or was I truly coming from a loving heart.
I questioned myself to ensure I stood true to me, my values, principles and beliefs. And then, in the end, I realized — my heart belongs to me. In helping someone else, I am not going after him, I am going after what is right — sharing what I know and have learned so that someone else can find their way out of the darkness.
For the woman who wrote me, the story has a happy ending. She got him out of her house. For his new girlfriend, the story continues. She did not heed their advice. Did not want to hear what they said about him.
I know where she’s at. I know how scared she is and how frightened and alone she feels. I cannot change her path. I cannot alter her course. I can only continue to do what I do to create a world of peace around me: speak out against abuse and speak up for those who have lost their voice.
I got this gift too. I saw a simple ad on Craigslist asking if anyone had had problems with a man that was posting on CL. If so, she wanted to let people know their rights on Internet harassment.
I sent her a note with one sentence. “Was it J. W.?”
She immediately affirmed and within minutes, we were talking. I, in Santa Cruz and a new LF reader, and she in Oahu, still in shock after her run in with Bad Man. She got off easy. She only spent a weekend with him but it had quite a traumatic finish and she was rattled.
She was the first one I was in touch with and helped.
The thing is, most of the time, all we can do is plant a seed that something might be wrong and maybe toss out the words “personality disorder” and “no cure.” Maybe “run like hell” would be good too but if they are in the honeymoon stage, we know how well that will work.
I have warned many about my P. None of them were in real danger of being romantically ensnared by him but they could have been scammed by him and the OW.
I am sure now that it was partly out of revenge – I wanted the whole world to know what they had done to me and for the first year I struggled with overwhelming rage and frustration because they had ‘got away with it’. The OW has now left the country and he is working a distance away from my home so the constant reminders are not there. I do get seizures from time to time about wanting revenge but the difference now is that I can see that I don’t need that anymore. They failed to destroy me and my family and we are happy again. Knowing that will be the greatest punishment for both of them.
Having said all that, I also feel very strongly that it was my duty to warn people as this was not a case of ‘falling out’ with someone or a question of something backfiring on me . It goes much deeper than that – they are criminals who will destroy lives. If I hung onto the information I would have to live with the fact that it will happen to someone else, without the information, others would have no chance of protecting themselves. I don’t kid myself that everyone will want to believe me but at least I have given them the knowledge to make their own decision.
I want my children to live in a civilised society, part of that is taking responsibility for passing on information where danger to lives is concerned regardless of what the reaction is.
This is my personal opinion and I would never blame anyone for choosing to say nothing. We have all been battered enough and that last thing we need to is to be ridiculed and victimised again. How we deal with telling others must be secondary to our own healing.
Swallow
I just saw this quote on the narcissisticpersonalitydisorder at MSN.com and I really feel it is appropriate, it is exactly how I feel.
“When a women steals your man, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.” Sacha Guitry
very good Bird— I bet someone could make a country song with that quote…….
I tried to warn the 1st one that came after me. She just thought I was jealous and vindictive and wanted him back. Not only did she not believe me but from then on she joined him in his campaign of abuse against me. We all lived in the same area at the time and the S and I have a son together. I was still allowing access to my son then and so we all had regular contact with each other. She helped make my life hell for 4 months. Then she started to back off. Why? Because he was starting to do the things to her that he had done to me. She could see that what I had said in the beginning was true.
By 6 months the relationship was over. In that short period of time she had lost £10,000, been beaten up several times, been cheated on, been lied to (constantly) and been left alone to fend for herself in a foreign country. He had destroyed her passport in a fit of rage on the last day of a holiday that she had paid for and then he’d flown home alone and just left her there.
Warning her did not save her from what she went through. Warning her made MY life worse. If I’d said nothing in the 1st place then maybe I’d have saved myself from the 4 months of abuse that she gave me. So now I don’t warn them. I used to worry about this, I used to feel guilty that I was doing nothing. Not now though. I’ve toughened up a bit. I’ve stopped banging my head against a brick wall. Sadly, these women have to find out for themselves like I did. I just hope that one of these days one of them will actually report him for his violence and have the nerve to go through with a prosecution and get him put away. If the time ever comes when I’m asked to give evidence in a court of law to help get him convicted then I’ll be there without hesitation. But trying to warn beforehand is a waste of time in my experience.
Henry-that’s funny lol Some men are worth trying to steal. Not my ex sociopath though:)
Uksurvivor – I think if I were to write back to the other women, I would have the same experience of continued abuse. From the moment she entered my life she has contributed to the abuse. I don’t know why it would stop now.
Hello all, From my perspective I think a person who is asking about red flags while exposed to a P, as in Mary’s post should definitley get the benefit of our experience and be directed to LF etc. And in general, when an opportunity arises to discuss the prevalence of P’s on our culture, I think educating gently is VERY good.
But for those who do NOT want to see our warnings we do sound like vindictive bitter ramblings.
In my situation there are a fairly large and very tight knit group of friends that have seen mostly only his good side, admire and respect him, think he is a excellent husband and father, provider etc. And I contributed to these hard held opinions by supporting the LIE while I was with him. Our issues were a “private” matter, and I did not want to offend his ego by letting people know the truth etc. When I occaisonaly did let a close friend know that things were not golden, even tho they love me, they brushed it off as meloncholy on my part or some such. It was recieved as “whiny” and I lived the lie so thouroughly that often when I doubted I accused myself of being “whiny”.
NOW however, after being very tight lipped about the details to my friends for these very reasons, his true character is revealing itself SLOWLY to these people. Several have been burned, or at least the P took a run at burning them. They have seen the light and are VERY wary of his motives.
In short, the truth shall set you free. For 27 years, my presence and support and love for him allowed him to keep the BIG LIE afloat. Having removed myself finally from his fan club, the lie is crumbling at its foundation.
In my breif experience since realizing what a P is and that I have been married to one, I find that people are VERY resistant to believing someone they know and like could be this way.
There is one mutual friend that has been badly burned by my P financially, knows roughly what happened to me, and still clings to the “good in everyone” mantra. That is his firm belief in life and even the P will not change his mind. The friend is on red alert for more con’s but does not see his own vulnerability, still believes there are “limits” to what the P will do.
Time will tell, but I fear the outcome for anyone in the P’s web. Until they have seen the Jekyll they will be at risk from the Mr. Hyde. Having been there it is hard to watch.
“Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse and to help them find their courage to do it.”
Amen that that! Need I say more?
“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco
Fantastic quote!!! Love it!!!
In fact trying to “warn” the OW or OM of our ex P will only confirm and strengthen their “love” (?) for each other feeling that they need to defend it against the crazy person (us). In fact doing this in their “honeymoon” stage is more like Joshua and the fall of Jericho (Joshua 6:1-20) a undefeatable wall to cross over or breach. Better to wait and see the walls come down in God’s plan and time table. And then when ready and able to “blow one’s horn and shout one’s message”!
I guess Aloha’s stance (straddling the fence) is mine too—I’ve been warned, and didn’t listen. I have warned and was not believed, and in fact, received more persecution for doing the warning, both from the victim and from the psychopath themselves.
There ARE circumstances I would warn, and there are those in which I would NOT warn. I think it is an individual thing of a RISK VS. BENEFIT—both the risk to ourselves and the benefit to ourselves, and the risk vs benefit to the victim we are trying to warn, as well as the RECEPTIVE MODE of the victim.
In Bird’s case, this woman KNEW what she was doing, therefore you can say—any woman who will “steal” a man away from his pregnant woman deserves what she gets—a man who would abandon his own child and the woman who was carrying it. That woman got what she asked for—a psychopath. Bird has Birdie to protect, and Bird’s responsibility is FIRST and foremost to Birdie, then herself. She has NO responsibility in my mind at least to this other woman, to protect her and surely none to the P himself.
I FELT that I had a “duty” to protect my mother if I could possibly do so at all. I tried to warn her. I got abuse for my trouble. I KNEW (but could not prove) that my son C’s wife and the Trojan Horse P were having an affair, and I DID NOT warm my son C because I KNEW he would not listen. When he found out about the affair, he also tried to “cover it up” by not revealing it to the rest of the family, just as others HELP THE P KEEP THE LIE GOING. It almost cost him his life to do so. But I don’t feel guilty for not warning him, he would not have listened, even after he found out himself, he tried to “fix” it.
So I think to “warn or not” depends on lots of issues on each individual case. But to try to “rescue” someone who doesn’t WANT to be rescued, is futile and injurious to ourselves.
The way Aloha and ML did it, though, just helps these people validate what they are already knowing or suspecting.