It was just a name in the subject line of an email.
I knew the name. How could I forget it? It was the name of the man who had betrayed my trust and my love for the four years nine months of our relationship.
Curious, I opened the email and read the words of a woman whose daughter’s girlfriend is engaged to a man named ”˜Jack’ (not his real name). I think he’s the same man you knew, she wrote. I read your website and the article from when your book was published. Do you have a picture?
I wrote back and told her I had burnt every picture I had of him. She sent me one by return email. Is this the same man? I’m really scared for my daughter’s safety. Conrad and my daughter’s friend have been living with us for a couple of months. He’s made lots of promises. Lots of commitments to do this, do that. None of them have come true.
I wrote back.
Unfortunately, it’s him. You can’t change him, I told her. You can help your daughter and her friend get free by learning as much as you can as fast as you can about narcissism and sociopaths. I gave her a couple of websites to read and I suggested a couple of things she could do to end the abuse now. There’s a good chance he’s up to his illegal activities once again as he has two high-end cars in their drive and one license plate which he continually shifts from vehicle to vehicle. I’ve suggested she contact the police and have offered to speak with the young woman who believes she has been swept up into Prince Charming’s arms.
When I wrote The Dandelion Spirit, I wanted to help women and men caught in a liar’s web to make sense of the craziness. I wanted to encourage and enlighten as well as inspire people.
Over the two years since the book was published I have heard from countless people — telling me their stories, asking for advice, thanking me for helping them understand and to breathe freely again.
I never expected to be able to help someone extricate themselves from Conrad’s web.
Expect the unexpected and life will never disappoint you.
It is my belief that knowledge is a gift to be shared. I learned a lot through the ”˜Jack’ experience. Learned about narcissism, sociopaths/psychopaths. About liars and abusers. And, I learned about being free. About turning up for me, in all my cuts and bruises, to stand tall and proud, a victor in my own life.
Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse — and to help them find their courage to do it.
I have been blessed. In the 5+ years since my release, I have been given the gift of healing and the opportunity to help others find their paths away from abuse.
I am one lucky woman and I want to share my good fortune with the world around me.
“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco
Everyday, survivors of these affairs stumble into this sight and take heart at the words written here by those who have journeyed through similar darkness. In our sharing we brighten the road and lighten the load of those who have fallen behind us. In our sharing, we illuminate the path for others to follow.
I never expected to be given the gift of helping someone involved with the same man I was. When first I read her words and thought about my response, I wondered if I was doing it out of vindictiveness, or was I truly coming from a loving heart.
I questioned myself to ensure I stood true to me, my values, principles and beliefs. And then, in the end, I realized — my heart belongs to me. In helping someone else, I am not going after him, I am going after what is right — sharing what I know and have learned so that someone else can find their way out of the darkness.
For the woman who wrote me, the story has a happy ending. She got him out of her house. For his new girlfriend, the story continues. She did not heed their advice. Did not want to hear what they said about him.
I know where she’s at. I know how scared she is and how frightened and alone she feels. I cannot change her path. I cannot alter her course. I can only continue to do what I do to create a world of peace around me: speak out against abuse and speak up for those who have lost their voice.
why did we hang on too each other so? He went through the motion’s of loving and caring for me, but the emotion’s where not there. Why are their so many bad memory’s of thing’s that should be good memory’s? Why do I care? Why do I miss him so? no comment necessary just thinking out loud…again
Dear Henry,
There are parasites that are just like fleas on a dog’s back, they dig in and such the juice out of someone else—suck the emotional blood because they don’t have any and they feed on it. That darn tick that bit me last year not only sucked my blood, but gave me a disease as well (Rocky Mountain Spotted fever) WHY? CAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEY DO.
You and I both would live under a bridge and eat out of Mickey D’s dumpster before we would do that kind of thing. I will NOT stay where I am not wanted, and valued. NO MORE. NEVER AGAIN. We are givers not takers. We are not mooches, we do not believe the world owes us a living or a place to sleep, or a car to drive, or food to eat. They do. They are takers. Pure and simple, just like the tick on the dog’s back. TAKERS.
Why did you love him, give him so much and so much of yourself? BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE. THAT IS WHO YOU ARE. I would rather be the dog than the tick. We can FEEL and we can LOVE, the tick can’t.
You are still trying EMOTIONALLY to “normalize” him and you can’t do it my dear friend. He is not OUR KIND OF NORMAL. He is HIS KIND OF NORMAL. He is the TICK. The blood sucker.
TAKE BACK YOUR POWER! He is gone physically, but he is still in your head as long as you “rent him space” there. Henry, you ARE a strong person. The pain will pass, I promise you. I have grieved for every one of my Ps, for “what could have been” and WASN’T—but I have no control over them, I have no power to make what isn’t, to be. I DO HAVE POWER OVER ME—I wish my son wasn’t a P, I wish my mom wasn’t a toxic enabler, I wish my son C;’s marriage had not been to a P, I wish….I wish….but I ACCEPT THAT THOSE THINGS ARE OR WERE and I can’t change that. But I CAN CHANGE TODAY. I CAN take back the power they were given (by me) to hurt me. I will NOT allow the to “rent space” in my head with “what if’s” or “it could have been” or “I thought it was”—I won’t give them any more power to hurt me. I don’t CARE about them, I DID care, but not now. I am not even curious about how my mom is doing, or how my X-DIL is doing, or how my P-son is doing, or how my X-BF-P is doing. They are not part of my life any more, in truth, they never really were except I ALLOWED them to be, because I loved them. I don’t love them any more. I am indifferent to their LIES, their PROMISES which are false, and even the “good times” we had together don’t mean anything any more…why should they? They didn’t care, it was all “smoke and mirrors”—just a dream I had once. It wasn’t real, I just thought it was.
Henry, you are still “new” to this, only a little over four months out. Believe me, at four months after I kicked my X-BF to the curb, I was still obscessing over him, just like you are, but give it some more TIME my friend. I never thought I could quit grieving over the horse’s butt BF but I did. Or my son, but I did. We can’t rush the grief process, we can only plug on down the road, and back step, fall, get up again, and keep on plugging, but you WILL get there, Henry. I don’t need a crystal ball to know how strong you are, you have come a long way in a short time already, just be patient. Every day I pray to God to give me patience—***NOW*** LOL (((HUGS))))
OXY Thank’s for the pep talk. Your comment about me trying to emotionally normalize him hit a nerve. I have been doing that (ALOT) hmmm, that was good Ox. I am still giving him the benifit of the doubt. Normalize him so I can understand. It can’t be done…thanks Oxy
Dear Henry,
I think that most of us try to do that–the “normalizing” them. You might as well try to understand how a cat thinks, or the tick. You can SEE what they DO but you can’t really get inside their head to know how it feels to HAVE NO CONSCIENCE, to be a blood sucker. They can’t FEEL anything or understand us either. I think sometimes they actually are confused that we get “so upset” because THEY don’t, so why do we? It’s all a game to them. We take it seriously.
Just ACCEPTING that they are what they are is, I don’t know, somehhow one of those things that at least for me sort of “snuck” up on me. One day it was “just there”—I know somehow I processed it all, but I didn’t even realize when I did, it “just happened.” I started working on my own problems, and focusing on ME, rather than them.
BTW, take your darned medication. You should NOT get on and off it. It takes time to work, and it isn’t a “crutch”—duffus! Now I am getting my BIG skillet out, boy! Medication for depression will not “numb” you, and you CAN face things head on with it. Believe me, Henry, IT HELPS ME. It isn’t that I am weak, I AM DEPRESSED, and depression is a CHEMICAL thing in your brain, it is NOT just an “attitude.” If you were diabetic would you just not take the medication and “tough it out?” How about if it was a heart condition? SAME REASONING dumbkoff! OHHHHHHH!!!! What did you do before you had me to boss you around, Bro? Sheesh, I’m gonna wear my oven door out getting that skillet out again! LOL
A friend of mine and I got to laughing tonight. Her son is in Iraq and we got silly and decided we would “raid” the place with our skillets and our commando suits and parachute in to get her son in line (he hurt his knee pretty bad running) so we are the “MOM-andoes” and she said, can you imagine all those soldiers running to clean up their rooms and polish their shoes and hide their porno? Ha ha THE MOMS ARE COMING!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! LOL Well, I am going to bed, got to get up and do a day’s work tomorrow. Did a pretty good one today but got dehydrated as the humidity was horrible so one more glass of water and then to beddie bye. (((hugs)))) TOWANDA!!!!
Takingmeback,
Thank you for your words and for sharing your devotional. Religion was the crux of our relationship. That was what got me in, kept me in, and then got me out.
Specifically as I sat in church and listened to a sermon based on this scripture starting at Eph. 6:12 and it was tied to 2Ch 20:15, I heard the message loud and clear and directed at me that it was time to “stand your ground” and that this spiritual “battle is not yours, but God’s.” I found my own truth, and it was time to live in obedience and not just exposure. So I put on “every piece of God’s armor” to receive His promise and blessing, “then after the battle you will still be standing firm.”
I commend you too for bravely sending your letter. You opened the door, it’s up to her if she walks through it. Life isn’t about being perfect or just getting what you want, it’s about doing the best you can as you reach out to others. It doesn’t matter what the world thinks, even when you stand alone. That is strength and faith at work, and God sees it even when others don’t.
And your words of wisdom bear repeating, “I see a greater danger in not saying anything as I fear that silence allows these individuals to do what they do. The wisdom comes in choosing battles wisely.”
Sometimes that takes time and the patience of Job, but that too makes us stronger as we learn to rely not on emotion but to keep our eyes on God.
Good luck on your exam, you seem strong in the face of challenge and I think you’ll remain standing firm.
Benz
Hi everyone,
I am checking in to give you an update on what is going on since I turned my sociopath in to the army. I spoke with his commander today. They are awaiting a “rehab team meeting” where they decide what to do with him. They are reasonably sure he is abusing his military privileges and trying to defraud the army out of a medical discharge. He is faking medical symptoms (that he never faked with me). It felt good to be able to tell the commander the truth and have him take my side. He also feels confident that the S will get adultery charges brought against him, based on the letter I sent (to the commander) and all the evidence I have. They are also wondering if the wife is in on it, which she probably is.
I have tears in my eyes while writing this, because I know this is a victory for every one of us. Once he has been brought to justice, my internet friends and I from the reptile website will band together and harass him off our reptile site. I’m not afraid of him. He has no history of violence I’m told.
I still have symptoms of PTSD. I get panic attacks whenever I log onto the reptile site and see his posts. Is this normal? I only logged on once and had a nightmare about him that night. I also still miss him, as awful as that sounds. I miss the love I shared with the person I thought he was. But this fades more and more as the time goes by. I do feel stronger every day. I hope that can give others some hope, too.
For takingmeback: I know the feeling of feeling sorry for the S. I felt that for a while, too. Whenever I start feeling sorry for him, it sucks me right back into missing him and loving him. They do not deserve our love. Fortunately, as days go by, I can detach a little more. But whenever I think about him, there is some sort of deep bond there, and it hurts to have that ripped away. I know many of you feel that, too.
I recently read on a dating site forum about the definition of a soulmate. It is someone who comes into our lives to teach us something, not necessarily someone we are meant to be with. I do believe the men I have felt such a soul connection with are the ones who have cause me the most grief in my life.
Dear Stargazer,
I’m glad the army is taking this seriously and that he will have some repcussions from his behavior. It won’t change him in the least, but at least he won’t “gain” so much by it. I don’t know about his wife, she may be “in on it” and may not be. She may just be another victim of his cons. If he is cheating on her, he sure is victimizing her in some ways, cause I bet she doesn’t KNOW ABOUT THAT. Whether she is helping him try to fake an injury or not, my guess is that this woman is certainally living in a horrible environment.
It is ALWAYS the people we love who CAN hurt us because we love and trust them. Those people that we don’t love and/or trust and therefore don’t have the EMOTIONAL POWER over us can’t really hurt us. They can pi$$ us off, but not really stab us to the core. We don’t turn our “emotional belly” up to them where they can reach us with their knives in such vital spots. Because we feel safe around those we love and trust, we don’t keep our defenses emotionally up. That’s the sad part, only those you love can hurt you, but without love, what is life? Not much I am afraid. LOL
I want to know too.. why do I miss him so much? We aren’t a good couple, wouldn’t be even if he was normal, because we have very little in common. But why do I still want him so much? Why does it make me sick to think of another woman touching him? How long do I have to cry myself to sleep.. yes still every single night. Where will I get the energy to keep dealing with this. It seems like it would be so much easier to try to stay a bit closer to him and keep an eye on him, but that’s only going to be pain city, I can’t do that.
As a side note.. Star.. my daughters S. ex-husband often tried to use the navy to harrass and exploit her, calling her command over and over to report bogus happenings. It took regular cops finally accidentally catching him pulling out her hair in the street before someone made him move off base. So the axe can cut both ways.
stargazer: i agree with you 100%. the men i felt a soul connection to — or most recently, a SPIRIT connection with — were definitely the ones who devastated me the most. and as ox says, love necessitates trust and openness of heart, and there we have the catch 22. damned if ya’ do when the ’emotional belly’ is revealed to a s/p. but how could we have known?
i had a really good day today. every time i thought of him i just envisioned him as he is: a sad little manchild, insecure and juvenile, over-sexed and underspirited, a victim of his karma.
tomorrow i’m sure i’ll miss him and cry my heart out, but … maybe not. someone at work told me today: ”you look great. your spirit seems lighter.”
need i say more?
Kat – I miss (M) too and I hate that. I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire. I think sociopath’s get so deep into our mind’s and soul’s because we take them there. They want to portray themselve’s as everything we ever wanted. They feed on our lonliness, they become the illusion, the fantasy. It’s sad that we can understand what happened intellectually, but emotionally I guess it takes time. I don’t cry anymore. He doen’t care about my pain and he sure as hell ain’t suffering one little bit. Hang in there Kat, I am sure one day (all) of the pain will go away.