It was just a name in the subject line of an email.
I knew the name. How could I forget it? It was the name of the man who had betrayed my trust and my love for the four years nine months of our relationship.
Curious, I opened the email and read the words of a woman whose daughter’s girlfriend is engaged to a man named ”˜Jack’ (not his real name). I think he’s the same man you knew, she wrote. I read your website and the article from when your book was published. Do you have a picture?
I wrote back and told her I had burnt every picture I had of him. She sent me one by return email. Is this the same man? I’m really scared for my daughter’s safety. Conrad and my daughter’s friend have been living with us for a couple of months. He’s made lots of promises. Lots of commitments to do this, do that. None of them have come true.
I wrote back.
Unfortunately, it’s him. You can’t change him, I told her. You can help your daughter and her friend get free by learning as much as you can as fast as you can about narcissism and sociopaths. I gave her a couple of websites to read and I suggested a couple of things she could do to end the abuse now. There’s a good chance he’s up to his illegal activities once again as he has two high-end cars in their drive and one license plate which he continually shifts from vehicle to vehicle. I’ve suggested she contact the police and have offered to speak with the young woman who believes she has been swept up into Prince Charming’s arms.
When I wrote The Dandelion Spirit, I wanted to help women and men caught in a liar’s web to make sense of the craziness. I wanted to encourage and enlighten as well as inspire people.
Over the two years since the book was published I have heard from countless people — telling me their stories, asking for advice, thanking me for helping them understand and to breathe freely again.
I never expected to be able to help someone extricate themselves from Conrad’s web.
Expect the unexpected and life will never disappoint you.
It is my belief that knowledge is a gift to be shared. I learned a lot through the ”˜Jack’ experience. Learned about narcissism, sociopaths/psychopaths. About liars and abusers. And, I learned about being free. About turning up for me, in all my cuts and bruises, to stand tall and proud, a victor in my own life.
Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse — and to help them find their courage to do it.
I have been blessed. In the 5+ years since my release, I have been given the gift of healing and the opportunity to help others find their paths away from abuse.
I am one lucky woman and I want to share my good fortune with the world around me.
“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco
Everyday, survivors of these affairs stumble into this sight and take heart at the words written here by those who have journeyed through similar darkness. In our sharing we brighten the road and lighten the load of those who have fallen behind us. In our sharing, we illuminate the path for others to follow.
I never expected to be given the gift of helping someone involved with the same man I was. When first I read her words and thought about my response, I wondered if I was doing it out of vindictiveness, or was I truly coming from a loving heart.
I questioned myself to ensure I stood true to me, my values, principles and beliefs. And then, in the end, I realized — my heart belongs to me. In helping someone else, I am not going after him, I am going after what is right — sharing what I know and have learned so that someone else can find their way out of the darkness.
For the woman who wrote me, the story has a happy ending. She got him out of her house. For his new girlfriend, the story continues. She did not heed their advice. Did not want to hear what they said about him.
I know where she’s at. I know how scared she is and how frightened and alone she feels. I cannot change her path. I cannot alter her course. I can only continue to do what I do to create a world of peace around me: speak out against abuse and speak up for those who have lost their voice.
I truly need input on something that I am struggling with. My ex is getting married in a few weeks to someone that barely knows him. It is very apparent to all that know him (including his family) that he is marrying her for her money. Most of his immediate family doesn’t even want to go to the wedding. He has put up such a great front that her family may not even know what type of S that he is. He has lost his job a few months ago and continues lying to everyone, but she has no clue. He has told her some story about me so she stays away from me. She is so guliable and is ignoring all of the red flags.
Quite honestly, I don’t want him happy–or I should say appear to be happy. I have two children with him; if I didn’t I wouldn’t even be bothering with this situation. I had a conversation with her once and cried for two hours afterward thinking that I was feeding her to the wolves. I WAS her.
Why is it important for me to know that this won’t last? How come I hold onto that? Do I leave her alone? I thought about sending an anonymous letter to her parents saying that he is sociopath and to watch out.
Thanks for listening…-Ginger
Dear Ginger,
I feel for ya honey. I don’t know if it will last or not, but I’ll tell you one thing.. that all depends on her ability to take crap from guys. If it lasts, it will not be because he changes his ways, but because for reasons of her own she tolerates this stuff. You know, I hate to say it, but when I started trying to warn girls I only got my head bitten off. They all believed him at first and had to learn the hard way. I mean.. she is marrying someone she doesn’t know well.. I think that shows that she likely has issues of her own.
takingmeback.. softly.. big stick.. you got it sister.. it worked for Teddy, didn’t it?
If we look at the big picture when dealing with anti-social personalities we can see it with clearer insight.
Anti-social personalities have motives (what’s in it for me aka takers) behind what they do, with everything they do, everything they touch … whereas, healthy minded individuals do things from a positive mindset (what can I do to help – givers), functioning manner because it makes us feel good to be responsible. It makes us feel good to stand behind what we are all about, what we say to others, what we do with others … never realizing anti-socials have a different agenda from the begging, the modus operandi of getting what they want, when they want, from anyone they want. It’s the clash of two entirely different viewpoints coming together at first meeting.
Our horror, pain, disappointment, depression, stress comes from not understanding other individuals in our society are based from their central motivations of manipulation and greed (takers) as they travel our world. They leave destruction in their wake … as we (givers) leave everything the same or better than we found it.
With that said, now you understand the the bigger picture on the world view … givers are creative and will build, takers destroy that which is built … we tried to work with them in our relationship … they were destroying the relationship before they even met us.
As for me personally, I can’t imagine having an ulterior motive for doing anything in life. I always used to look at them and think to myself … imagine what you could have done with all the energy you exerted to destroy … if that energy was turned towards something positive … how wonderful our world would be!
Just something to ponder.
As I mentioned earlier, take a look at the “Givers and Takers site” to see a bigger picture of what motivates anti-social personalities … it’s a real eye opener to see how our society is manipulated so ruthlessly by them. Now I understand why so many of my co-workers thought they had it all over you if they knew where one extra garbage can was located in the building. I always though this behavior bizzarre, now I have a better insight that it was all manipulation from the beginning, no matter how that manipulation came about.
http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php
Peace.
DEar Ginger,
I think we are “trained” to look at ourselves as “winners” or losers—-he is marrying again, therefore he is the “winner”—and you are the “loser”—BUT THAT IS WRONG!
Winners are not the “richest” people or the most “successful” people, or the team that “scores the most points” in the game, the winners are the people who PLAY THE GAME WELL, whether the “points” are positive or negative. But society says the team that scores the most points if the “winner” and the other team who played their hearts out are the “losers” and I think that is a PERVERTED way of looking at things.
This isn’t a “competition”–or shouldn’t be anyway—it is LIFE, and the person who LIVES A GOOD LIFE, an honest and upright life is the WINNER in my book. The person who abuses others is the LOSER.
Money, “marriage,” social status, talent, beauty, media notice, fame, etc. doesn’t make a person a REAL WINNER any more than it did OJ or Mike Tyson. Pick up one of the “Yellow journals” next time you check out at the grocery store, National “Enquirer” or People Magazine, and look at the stories of the unhappy “rich and famous” folks who are leading totally dysfunctional and shallow, miserable lives.
You obviously are not going to be able to influence this woman, she is in the FOG of his “love” and wouldn’t believe you if you had a video of him murdering the Pope. But believe me, YOU ARE THE LUCKY, FORTUNATE ONE in this “marriage made in hell”—you are NOT A PART OF IT.
It is nothing more than SMOKE AND MIRRORS and a way for him to get money. A con job. She may feel “happy” right now, but YOU KNOW the misery she is in for eventually. But what she does with that is up to her. You are not responsible for her (or his) behavior. Just count your blessings that you are not the BRIDE in this instance. ((((hugs))))
I appreciate the posts regarding my ex S getting married situation. Yes, I am thankful for not being married to him anymore. I am so much more healthier–mentally, emotionally and physically. When he lost his job, due to illegal activity, I told him that I was so glad I wasn’t married to him, because I would be in the midst of everything with him. I am now on the outside looking in and didn’t know how he was sleeping at night. He may still go to jail for this–I have mixed opinions on this because he can’t support his kids from jail; or he will stay out if he make restitution–his new wife will surely keep him out of jail, won’t she? My counselor said that I am grieving the loss of my marriage and the fantasy that I have. I have been through grief before but this really takes the cake. I am moving forward, but feel that I am going through the motions.
I stayed in my marriage and was prepared to sacrafice my life, my wellbeing, for it and my children. He is the one that walked away for something better, because he took everything he could from me and I was no longer desirable to him and could not serve his purposes anymore. He gets bored easily and will just move on to something better after getting what he wants from her. He now sees how much better I am without him, but I don’t think he realizes that he is the factor of my poor health.
I told a friend of mine that I know I am doing everything the right way to get on track and to move on with life, but the right way isn’t easy and is exhausting. It feels that he and I are in a race and he is taking all of the shortcuts and is way ahead. I am doing the right thing and I am behind. I feel in my heart of hearts that the next few years I will have a fulfilling life and perhaps a relationship and his marriage will not be all that it is cracked up to be. So Ox you are right about the winner and loser analogy.
Also, he is very angry about the NC (I only email and text him about the kids), is that normal? Is living well really the best revenge?
-Ginger
Dear Ginger–
QUOTE: “He is very angry about the NC”—-
Is that Normal?” OHHHHHH YESSSSSS that is normal, because with NC he can’t “play you” and it PI$$$$$$$ES them off big time. They are NOT in control with NC–YOU ARE and they just can’t stand that. TOWANDA!!!! Control is their big thing, and after years of controlling you, now he is POWERLESS to control you and he hates it. LOL Good for you GF!!!!!
I too was in “poor health” and susceptible to all kinds of infections and so on because of the stress, but now that the stress is decreased, I am recovering physically as well as mentally and emotionally. I’m impatient with that recovery sometimes, but I am getting there, though slower than I would like.
I am really sorry that you have to put up with him seeing your kids, etc. but it sounds like you are handling it very well with NC except for e mails about the kids–VERY appropriate and the MINIMUM contact necessary. GREAT! That shows that you are healing and that your strength is INCREASING.
Him leaving you, Ginger, was a GIFT FROM GOD, because now you CAN heal, you CAN have a life, you CAN have PEACE. Get down on your knees and THANK GOD the P left you, that he found a “better victim” and took her instead of you. I know that may sound crass that you are glad he is preying on someone else, but they have no shortage of other victims to choose from. Even if you had warned her, it wouldn’t most probably made any difference, so like any “prey animal” we must be grateful that they picked another victim from the herd and left off going after us.
My P-son was tremendously frustrated at the NC and wrote letters to every one we knew to get them to call us and find out if “we were okay” he “just couldn’t understand why he hand’t heard a word from us”—he wrote angry letters, he wrote “pity me” letter, he did everything in between to get a response out of us (my mother mostly) and she would have responded if my other son had not made it clear that he would go TOTALLY NC with her if we caught her responding to my P-son and LYING ABOUT IT…which she had done previously by sending him money.
So, Ginger, you are a FORTUNATE person, you are FREE of the P. His marrying this other woman is simply to get his hands on her money, but if she pays the child support and gets him out of a prison sentence, in the end, it benefits your children. When her money and’/or willingness to pay is gone, he will leave her too. Also, for your children’s sakes, hopefully with him involved with her he will not be as much a negative influence on them, and you will be a much better parent when you are not involved with HIM, so that ways is a “win-win” situation for BOTH you and your children. It is difficult enough being a good parent with a good co-parent, but when you are fighting emotionally for your life from a P, and they are the co-parent, the children have it particularly rough no matter how hard you try, so this way, your children are BLESSED by less time around him. ((((hugs)))))
My x-soc who I was with 2 years probably cheated several times but he found a good hook/victim 9 months before i caught him. He was laying the foundation with her so he could move when he needed. When I found out about her she took him in. I think she knew about me so in my opinion she does get what she asked for. I dropped a laundry basket full of his unpaid bills on her stoop, took back the car I had bought him (it was in my name..he thought he should be allowed to keep it even though he didn’t make 1 payment.) I was left in debt $10k and he conned me into putting his name on the deed to my home. He asked me to do it to show we were in a serious committed relationship. Assured me we were getting married. Well I’m working with a lawyer to get the condo back. He is cooperating so far because I told him I’ll come to the woman’s house to do the paperwork if I need to. I’m glad she has kept him. I need to know where he is for the legal stuff. I just hope he doesn’t find another pawn or she kicks him out before I get the paperwork done. I thank her kindly. He wrecked my life. He’s been out for 4 months & still has crap in my garage! I text & call daily about the garage, the condo, etc. She must have found out because now he calls me from a work phone or does *67 from the house phone. She’s providing a roof for free and he has the use of her car. Wait till he verbally assaults her, breaks her things, lies, cheats, spits in her face, tells her what to wear, where to work, who to look at, who to say high to, tells her not to cut her hair or wear makeup, that God gives man the right to dominate, cuts her off from friends & family. He has 7 kids out there with different mothers and never married any of them. He has infiltrated and brought along his 12 yr old parasitic offspring. He taught the kid the ropes already and how to lie and to live for free off women. Now he says to me that hurting me was the first time he ever felt anyone’s pain before. He now knows the hurt he causes women and wants to change and not hurt anyone anymore. I wonder, is that SH..? I pray to God he doesn’t show his true colors or she doesn’t run out of money until I get my condo back. I know it sounds sick but she won’t believe me if I warned her anyway.
Iwonder, Yes, it is sh**. Just a manipulative ploy to try to slow you down and show him mercy, IMO. I wish you luck in getting your condo back and bravo for getting the vehicle back. Wish I’d gotten the one back I bought for my P. I’m pretty sure something bad would have happened to me, or at a minimum my dog, who he threatened to kill because if I took something he loved (the vehicle) he said he was taking something I loved (my dog). I knew he’d make good on the threat with my little doggie and the vehicle wasn’t worth taking the chance to me.
Dear Iwonder: It always amazes me that some women know that a man is with another woman (dating, married, engaged,d or just living with a significant other) and still go with him, sleeping with him, hoping he will leave his life and go with her????
That’s what I find so incredible with these mindsets. Especially when the guy turns out to be an anti-social personality to boot. What are these women thinking? Why do they think it’s competition and somehow if they get the guy, their somehow superior? I just never got that aspect of some women. I thought we were suppose to be a sisterhood of sorts. Guess, I was wrong on that theory too!
Then there’s the “normal” guy out there — that gets wrapped up in all this mallarky, believing he has a right to sew his wild oats, put another knotch on his bedpost, yadda, yadda, yadda … to find out when he settles down with the woman he loves… he was listening to psychos who could never settle down, never love, never respect. Then what? How crazy is this?
Peace.