It was just a name in the subject line of an email.
I knew the name. How could I forget it? It was the name of the man who had betrayed my trust and my love for the four years nine months of our relationship.
Curious, I opened the email and read the words of a woman whose daughter’s girlfriend is engaged to a man named ”˜Jack’ (not his real name). I think he’s the same man you knew, she wrote. I read your website and the article from when your book was published. Do you have a picture?
I wrote back and told her I had burnt every picture I had of him. She sent me one by return email. Is this the same man? I’m really scared for my daughter’s safety. Conrad and my daughter’s friend have been living with us for a couple of months. He’s made lots of promises. Lots of commitments to do this, do that. None of them have come true.
I wrote back.
Unfortunately, it’s him. You can’t change him, I told her. You can help your daughter and her friend get free by learning as much as you can as fast as you can about narcissism and sociopaths. I gave her a couple of websites to read and I suggested a couple of things she could do to end the abuse now. There’s a good chance he’s up to his illegal activities once again as he has two high-end cars in their drive and one license plate which he continually shifts from vehicle to vehicle. I’ve suggested she contact the police and have offered to speak with the young woman who believes she has been swept up into Prince Charming’s arms.
When I wrote The Dandelion Spirit, I wanted to help women and men caught in a liar’s web to make sense of the craziness. I wanted to encourage and enlighten as well as inspire people.
Over the two years since the book was published I have heard from countless people — telling me their stories, asking for advice, thanking me for helping them understand and to breathe freely again.
I never expected to be able to help someone extricate themselves from Conrad’s web.
Expect the unexpected and life will never disappoint you.
It is my belief that knowledge is a gift to be shared. I learned a lot through the ”˜Jack’ experience. Learned about narcissism, sociopaths/psychopaths. About liars and abusers. And, I learned about being free. About turning up for me, in all my cuts and bruises, to stand tall and proud, a victor in my own life.
Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse — and to help them find their courage to do it.
I have been blessed. In the 5+ years since my release, I have been given the gift of healing and the opportunity to help others find their paths away from abuse.
I am one lucky woman and I want to share my good fortune with the world around me.
“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco
Everyday, survivors of these affairs stumble into this sight and take heart at the words written here by those who have journeyed through similar darkness. In our sharing we brighten the road and lighten the load of those who have fallen behind us. In our sharing, we illuminate the path for others to follow.
I never expected to be given the gift of helping someone involved with the same man I was. When first I read her words and thought about my response, I wondered if I was doing it out of vindictiveness, or was I truly coming from a loving heart.
I questioned myself to ensure I stood true to me, my values, principles and beliefs. And then, in the end, I realized — my heart belongs to me. In helping someone else, I am not going after him, I am going after what is right — sharing what I know and have learned so that someone else can find their way out of the darkness.
For the woman who wrote me, the story has a happy ending. She got him out of her house. For his new girlfriend, the story continues. She did not heed their advice. Did not want to hear what they said about him.
I know where she’s at. I know how scared she is and how frightened and alone she feels. I cannot change her path. I cannot alter her course. I can only continue to do what I do to create a world of peace around me: speak out against abuse and speak up for those who have lost their voice.
My EX was living in a house I signed for in Georgia … tells me that he had a female room mate. I talked with him 7 or 8 times per day, state to state … and at times, his room mate Karen would answer the phone. Of course I asked her if anything romantic was going on between them … No, was her reply all the time, we’re just platonic room mates … months went by, she’d answer the phone at times … I chat with her … get around to asking “is your relationship still plantonic or is anything going on, you know I’m his fiance?” … answer “no, we are just platonic room mates”. To find out, they were engaged, lived in my house, slept in my bed, used my walk in closet, my appliances, my kitchen, dining room, living room, sleeping with him … and lying to my face … he spent money I lent him to pay his ex wife all future child support payments … his ex didn’t see a penny, but he wined and dined Karen B , bought horses (1 for him, 1 for her) a rinker boat, a brand new 2002 Ford Explorer for Karen, they stopped by the mortgage, had my house forecosed, Karen made out like a bandit … my friend tracked her down in Tennessee because she’s a notary public and has to be listed … told her the real deal and what my EX did to me … asked her if she wanted to talk with me. Of course, the answer was NO. Then had the audacity to say that she was getting married and wanted all this nightmare behind her. What nightmare? She made out like a bandit and she’s homely. Yes, Karen you are ugly inside and out. I feel sorry for Karen B in Tennesee’s husband that she married in 2007. If any one is listening.
Peace.
Hey Wini – I guess my ex must have told the other woman he was going to leave me for her. Otherwise, why would she hang in there? I don’t think my ex will change. He’s a sick individual. After we split I spoke with the woman he was with before me. He abused her too. He is actually still married to that one. When he met me he told me it was over and was going to file an annulment to marry me but she told different. They were fighting so he sent her to his mothers in Puerto Rico for 3 months to think things over. Meanwhile, he was romancing me to get me hooked. 6 months into our relationship he told her to hold off on divorce papers because they were getting back together. He never filed the annulment. I even gave him $1500 for the lawyer and he spent it on who knows what. He is still married. What is his obsession in holding onto her not letting her be free? They were married in 2005. The woman he is with now knows he is still married, has his name on the deed to my condo and is living off of her. My ex said to me, “she knows I’ve made many mistakes in my life and is willing to accept me and loves me and we are going to work things out.” Do you believe him? About the car, I had to threaten to call the police to get it back. Can you believe he wanted to keep it with the loan in my name and just make the payments? I told him i wasn’t going to chase him down each month to make sure the payments were made. He wouldn’t have made them. His credit sucks. He has a $300 credit limit. He never made one payment in the 16 mos he used it. I told him the bank is closed and if he could get a loan in his own name or have the new sucker put it in her name than ok. He’s only a co-signer. I told him I was going to call the bank to get his name off the loan. He said “sorry, but my name stays.” There is no logic with this person. I let him know I re-financed a new loan in my name only and now his name is off. I’m not letting him get away with anything. Told him if he doesn’t sign over the deed I will prosecute if I have to. After the car thing, he knows I’m serious. What a loser. And I don’t feel sorry for the other woman at all. Like I said, she did me a favor and she got what she asked for. Now she will have to cook & clean for both him and his son, pay all the bills, laundry, take all the verbal and mental abuse, drive everyone everywhere, he’ll use her car when he likes. He won’t let her out of the house alone. What he did to me was sabatoge a great job I had and then when I got fired, he decided to quit his job. We stayed out of work almost 6 mos. He complained when I started looking for a job. I landed a fat job at Dun & Bradstreet. He was angry. Wanted me to find a job where I could work out of my house. He said, “what are you too good to work at Walmart?” Thank God I found out the woman’s name and address before he split from me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have known where he went and would not have been able to get my things back. I wonder why people like this roam the earth.
Wini.. I agree we have to act like a sisterhood, and watch out for each other. When women fail to do this, but compete over a man, the men get away with all kinds of crap. I swear for every decent loving man there is one like this.
Dear I wonder,
I’m so sorry you are tangled in such a web. What a “winner” he is. I agree that she will not believe you, but you can be sure you are believed HERE! LOL
Good luck with getting him out of your condo.
I have a question I’d like to ask anyone reading. Sociopaths are good at the lying, cheating, etc. They usually get away with it and move onto the next before you knew what happened. What if you expose a sociopath right in his face? Do you think the S would finally realize he needs to change? That’s what happened with me and my x-soc. Here’s how I caught him. He was living a double-life. He doesn’t have his own apt ..never did..so he found another woman right in the same town. He was romancing her going out 2 nights a week telling me he stays at a friends (male.) He had clothes over there and everything. Well, one day I got a call from the school nurse to pick up his son because he had a fever. When I got there, I was told another woman already picked him up. I said, “who?” I looked at the register and there was here name. OK. So I called him and asked who she was. He gave some story about she was a friend’s wife’s friend. Yeah, right. I told him he would never let a stranger pick up his son. I asked the son who she was, he said my dad doesn’t want me to talk about it. Several days prior, I had found a romantic christmas card from her to him. The next day, I sent 100 text messages sending her name, over and over again. Well he knew he was about to get caught & left me a note the next day that he was staying at his friends for the night. I took a picture of the christmas card with my cell phone camera and sent it to his cell. I typed word for word what the other woman wrote in the card and texted it to him. Then I went on line and paid $8 to Intelius to search the name. I found her address. The next morning, very early, I went there and there was my car (the one I paid for him.) I called his cell. He answered and right in front of her answered coldly. Said, “what is it?” I said what is it? Where are you. He lied and told me at his boys house. I responded, no you are not, you are at … porter way west….because I’m here too AH!! Look outside. He then turned on the act in front of her and said to me, “we need to talk.” I was cursing like you don’t believe. I knocked on the door. She would not open it. He would not come out. I heard her screaming at her on the other side of the door. I’m screaming too. Told him to get all his crap out of my house. I went home, took all our personal photos, cards, etc. and drove back over there. By then, he was just pulling out of the parking space. He rolled the window down and looked at me and said, “I’m f’d up right now.” I threw all the pictures at him and called him a piece of Sh.. Told him to get home and clean his things out of my house. The next day, he took his things. He said, “I can’t go on living this way.” I can’t keep doing these things to the people I love.” UGH! Said he needs to work on himself, get his own place, clear his head, go to church. Do you think the experience changed him? Look at what he’s doing now. Still living at the other woman’s place with his son. Has no car of his own, no apt of his own. Seems to me a leopard doesn’t change his spots aye? Do you think she would believe me if I warned her and let her know he romanced me to heaven and then after 8 mos cut me off from friends, spit in my face, called me all kinds of names, broke my things, ripped up clothes he said were too tight, woke me up in the middle of the night and asked me to put on what i had worn to work that day for inspection, never gave me any money for bills or food, quit jobs 2 times, called my job 10 times a day to see if I was talking to male co-workers, has no friends. None. I could go on. So what do you think? Did he change and is now not abusive anymore? Does he love the new woman or is he just using and abusing her like me?
Dear I wonder,
Everyquestion you asked can be answered by HE WILL NOT/HE CANNOT CHANGE. He does not want to change or see a need to change, even though he says he does.
Read read read all the archived essays and articles here. There is a “sameness” about them, and some of us have joked that we “must be dating the same guy” because the way they behave is so much alike sometimes.
Their brains, literally, are “hard wired” to where they cannot feel empathy with other people, they can’t bond to anyone. The closest thing to “bonding” is when they feel that a person is their “property” and they don’t want anyone else around it. Not that they care about the property(person) it is just that they are selfish, yet, they will not take care of that “property”—they use and abuse EVERYONE. He will be sweet as candy to her for a while, then he will start to treat her just like he treated you, and rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. Over and over and over FOREVER.
No, she probably won’t believe you, most of the time they don’t and he will tell her what a b1atch you are and how he loves only her, she is “so special”—yea, right,,,,til the next one.
Getting our heads “around” all the concepts concerning these (for lack of a better word) “people” is difficult but the main thing is that we are OBJECTS to them, not humans or anyone to be loved, they are the ultimate selfish THING.
Learning about them, how they act and why is important to your own healing and important to keep you away from the next one that pops up. And, unfortunately, they are NOT an endangered species.
Dear OxDrover:
I guess I was just hoping that all my pain and suffering was good for a least something if it really helped someone change their life. Guess it was a waste afterall. This sucks. Things like this shouldn’t happen to good people. The other woman isn’t a good person either. I asked the S if she knew about me and he said yes. I told him I could never go with a man if I knew he was living with someone or even dating someone else. He said, “Well as long as they know of your situation..” I hate to be vindictive, but I hope she gets it good. He spit in my face during fights several times. He did the same thing to the one before me. I hope she gets a big wet one between the eye!! LOL
Hey Ginger,
Don’t think just because she’s getting to married to him that a wedding ring will magically change the person he is. She’ll find out. She’s marrying a fraud. I think it’s great you have cut off contact. I wish I could. Hopefully in 2 weeks I’ll get my condo back..then I’ll change my number.
Dear Iwonder,
Your feelings of anger and wishing harm for him and her is a normal natural response to being used, abused and discarded. I think most if not all of us have felt something like that at one time or another after the Ps are done with us.
As far as “something good” coming out of all your pain and hard work to make a relationship with him, the “something good” is what you will be when you have processed the pain, the betrayal etc. and YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON FOR THIS HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE–but he will not improve from it. YOU will.
Reading all the articles here will help you to get an idea how they are very much alike, how they think, and what to look for in the next BF and how to spot the “red flags” that they usually wave early on, but because we are not like them, we brush off these warning flags and make excuses for them. You won’t do that ever again! You will learn about yourself, about them, how to spot them, and in the end, YOU will be a better and stronger person, wiser and more cautious.
This blog isn’t just about “bashing” them, but about HEALING OURSELVES….how we heal, how we feel, how WE CHANGE after the P-experience. Somehow this is not just a “we went our separate ways” break up, it goes deeper because we were USED, betrayed, lied to, ripped up and disrespected. It hurts worse. Just don’t expect him to “understand” or “care” a pigs ear for you, or anything about you. Don’t believe a word he says unless you SEE him doing it. Don’t trust him at all, in short. Good luck.
Ox – True, true & true! I’m just venting a little because I still feel the burn of being burned. I read all the posts and they help a lot. I have to stop thinking that sociopaths’ brains are like everyone elses.