Russell Williams was a colonel in the Canadian Forces, a pilot who flew dignitaries including Queen Elizabeth II, and commander of the largest airbase in Canada. That is, until he was arrested for breaking into women’s homes and stealing their underwear, sexual assault and murdering two young women.
Lovefraud has written about Williams before: For Halloween: A real monster who liked to dress up.
The question, of course, is how did such a predator achieve the rank of colonel? Should he have been flagged along the way? How was it that Williams received nothing but stellar reviews, and turned out to be a murderer?
The Canadian Forces, stunned by what happened, launched an inquiry into how candidates are selected for senior command positions. Could enhanced psychological testing have revealed Williams’ true nature? Here’s what Macleans reported:
The answer, sadly, is no. Among hundreds of pages of internal military documents, obtained by Maclean’s under the Access to Information Act, is a draft version of that review. It confirms what leading experts have long maintained: there is no off-the-shelf exam that employers, armed forces or otherwise, can use to detect sociopathic killers. “Given the recent events in CFB Trenton, it is natural for the CF to question whether or not the organization could have identified a sexual sadist or predicted that an individual would become a serial sexual murderer,” the report says. But that “would be unrealistic to expect.”
Read There’s no way to spot another Russell Williams on Yahoo.com.
It’s probably true that no one could have spotted Williams. His case, however, is highly unusual. As I wrote in Sudden psychopath: The horrifying yet strange case of Col. Russell Williams, this case is unique in that Williams showed no signs of disorder before he suddenly became a sexual pervert and predator. Unlike most sociopaths, he didn’t have a history of lying, cheating and abusing. That’s why his case is so weird.
Judged by behavior
Although I don’t know much about the various psychological tests that are available, I doubt that any self-report inventory, where the subject answers questions about himself or herself, would work. After all, sociopaths lie. They lie about everything, so of course they’re going to lie on a personality test. Even if the test is designed to spot inconsistencies, how would anyone know which part is true?
To diagnose sociopaths, you need to know about their behavior. Most sociopaths leave a lifelong trail of destruction, ranging from overt crime to subtle emotional and psychological abuse. Dr. Robert Hare developed the Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R), and it has become the gold standard for diagnosing psychopaths (the term he uses). The PCL-R has two parts—a semi-structured interview, and a “file review.” This means that the individual’s criminal and psychological records are included in the evaluation. In other words, the psychopaths are identified by their behavior, not by their answers on a test.
The Gift of Fear
We, of course, don’t want to experience a sociopath’s behavior. We want to avoid them, so they don’t have an opportunity to inflict any damage of any kind. Can we do it?
I believe the answer is yes. The way to avoid a sociopath is to listen to our intuition.
Several people on Lovefraud have posted about a book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker. Oprah Winfrey called de Becker the nation’s leading expert on violent behavior, and his company helps hundreds of people, including celebrities, stay away from stalkers and other predators.
De Becker’s whole point in The Gift of Fear is this: Your intuition will tell you about danger. Listen to it.
I can back this assertion up with data. In the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey, conducted earlier this year, I asked the following question: “In the beginning of the involvement, did you have a gut feeling or intuition that something wasn’t right about the person or the relationship?”
Seventy-one percent of respondents said yes. Let me repeat that: 71% of people who became involved with sociopaths knew early on that something was wrong. Unfortunately, most of them stayed in the relationship anyway.
Trust your intuition
I think it’s unlikely that an accurate paper-and-pencil test for spotting sociopaths will ever be developed. However, we all have a built-in early warning system. The system isn’t designed to identify sociopaths in an abstract sense; it’s designed to warn us when we are in the presence of danger.
Here are the three steps to protecting yourself from sociopaths:
- Know that sociopaths exist.
- Know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior.
- Trust your intuition.
The key is to pay attention to the warning signals that we receive. But often we don’t. We doubt ourselves. We give the person another chance. We wait for hard evidence. In the end, we are damaged and filled with regrets.
Would listening to their intuition have saved Russell Williams’ victims? We’ll never know. But Gavin de Becker did relate a story about a woman who was assaulted in her apartment. The assailant told her to be quiet, promised he wouldn’t hurt her, and left the room. The woman, filled with fear, didn’t listen to him. She listened to her intuition and slipped away. The guy returned with a kitchen knife, intending to kill her. But she was gone.
oxy- yes. love bombing is a gigantic red flag.. and the thing about love bombing is that it’s intended to do just that- confuse you. Your intuition might be going off like a firehouse alarm, but there’s that twist in your thinking ( which they completely intend! ) where you say to yourself ( erroneously ) “I’ll feel guilty though… they aren’t overtly doing anything wrong…” but THAT is what they want you to conclude- to set you off balance. That’s the whole intention of love bombing. A close analogy might be the venus flytrap.. some species of the plant have bright colours, so they can “fool” insects into thinking they’re normal flowers ( when the truth is, the insect is nothing more than PREY to the plant) … likewise, with lovebombing sociopaths i would say demonstrate a form of “aggressive mimicry” ( wiki link ) … the lovebomb is the “bright colouring” that is meant to draw you in so when you’ve finally “settled in” and subdued yourself- and given your trust they can SNAP! Shut the “jaws” close and devour you. It’s entirely predatory.
That’s why intuition is so important. Your intuition is in place to protect you- because a part of you- knows or senses that you are in danger- that your safety & well-being is in grave jeopardy. The love-bomb is intended to “smother” that voice inside of you that tells you : RUN
Nancy and Oxy,
That is also my experience, that the love bombing “deactivates” my intuition. I actually think I have really good, almost “psychic” intuition about people –until they love bomb me. Then I can’t see anything at all. It must be why they say that love makes you blind.
Each time I’ve been taken in by a spath, it was with love bombing. In the past, the pity ploy was also very effective on me but I’ve been able to see through that one more often lately.
More recently, I met some female spaths who love bombed me and I was completely fooled, initially. They seemed so NICE! In retrospect, I did notice the signs but because I liked them so much, I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt. After a while the signs were GLARINGLY OBVIOUS, but at that point I decided that it would be interesting to continue observing and watch what unfolded. Sure enough, the mask slipped. The funny part is when you point it out…it slips even FURTHER!!
Then the drama begins and it’s best to back slowly towards the door and not make any sudden moves. 😀
So now, love bombing has become a BIG RED FLAG for me too.
Thank you for this article. I was really struck by some of the comments:
Ox said: Some of the things we are taught as kids “it takes two to fight” or “there are two (valid) sides to every story” or “forgive those you love” (meaning also to RESTORE TRUST) and so on, are NOT necessarily TRUE. There are NOT two VALID sides to every story, and it does NOT take two to fight”only one person to throw the first punch”so we must listen to our intuition and we must then decide if what we are FEELING is valid.
This really resonated with me. This is the crux of what I have had to let go of, and I am still working on it. These beliefs were embedded in the foundation of who I once was. The unshakable faith in the goodness of everyone, “deep down.” And yes, the nonexistence of Satan/evil.
Also, the comments about “love bombing.” I think I know what that is, but I’m actually a bit confused. How would one know the difference between love bombing by a sociopath, and someone genuinely falling in love with you (the real deal)? This is one area where I still cannot trust my intuition (that was badly damaged). Can any of you give some concrete examples of love bombing, and then what were the oh, so subtle “tips” or red flags which (now that you know about sociopathy) made it so glaringly obvious to you. Whereas before you might have missed them.
To be honest, I am afraid of making a mistake in the other direction — being so suspicious and PTSD now, that I inadvertently run from someone who is genuinely kind and truly loves me.
dancingnancies:
Thanks for a great post. You said you might feel guilty when being love bombed. I didn’t feel guilty, I felt like hmmmm, maybe I AM the one! Duh, how stupid! So yeah, my intuition was up and I knew something was off, but get this…not only was I thinking that he may be genuine, the OW was telling me that he may be genuine! Who does that other than an extremely manipulative snake?? Wow, just looking back this very moment did I realize even further what she was doing. She was also putting that doubt in my head so I would fall for it. She WANTED me to fall for it so I would be hurt just like she had been hurt. It’s amazing how much hate I have for her and I normally don’t hate anyone! Oh, well…another step towards healing.
Another thing I must say. I am extremely intuitive and always have been. It’s a gift I have. I have even been told by one friend that I should further develop it and become a psychic, but I’m not going to do that. Anyway, just saying this because if I could be taken, anyone could be taken. Just like I knew something was up of course when this was happening to me, but in reality, the feelings I started having for him overrode my instincts. That’s exactly what he wanted to happen. He is a predator in the worst way.
20years:
OK, I think the main thing you need to watch for and I realized later is the SPEED of the relationship. Lovebombing will come fast and furious when they are only trying to get something out of you they want…money, sex, etc. I have found in normal relationships where men genuinely cared about me, it was much slower. This is only my opinion, but I think “normal” men are a bit afraid when they start having feelings and don’t tell you they love you right away and lovebomb you with all the gushy words that all women want to hear. My X spath would email me and constantly ask me out; it was relentless. Your intuition will tell you something is not right. If someone is genuinely kind and truly loves you, they will PROVE it and it won’t be just verbal. And they will stick around. Make them work for your love.
Dear 20 years,
Louise’s post above is I think pretty right on….you tell the difference by HOW QUICKLY IT COMES ON. Meeting someone and 3 days later they declare that you are the LOVE OF THEIR LIVES, that you are THE most important thing in the world to them, and they send you 6 dozen red roses with love poems….THAT is love bombing…..just covering you up with “love” like out of a cheap romance novel.
Folks, you heard it here. You heard it FIRST right here on LF—-I am NOT so hot at sexy that within 3 days my (now X) BF just couldn’t live without me for his very own. He smothered me with kind words about how sexy I am, about how people respected me (that one really was kind of odd, until I figured out later that he was only looking for another “RESPECTABLE WIFE” to CHEAT ON!)
Sure, when someone tells us we are beautiful, sexy, funny, in fact PERFECT, we WANT to believe that—they put us up on a pedestal and boy is it lofty and wonderful to feel like we are “worshiped” by this person….but sincere and REAL people don’t do that sort of thing. Even if someone is falling in LOVE with you, it takes place over an extended PERIOD OF TIME. Healthy people, people who have normal and good relationships don’t FORM those relationships OVER NIGHT. They get to KNOW each other over a period of time, in different situations—-love at first sight is NOT LOVE it is infatuation….or love bombing.
20years:
“Can any of you give some concrete examples of love bombing, and then what were the oh, so subtle “tips” or red flags which (now that you know about sociopathy) made it so glaringly obvious to you. Whereas before you might have missed them.”
I would say that I passed over some large inconsistencies in his story about his life.
Prior to our relationship, he was involved in a nasty divorce and custody battle and was left with very little visitation rights with his son.
I took him at his word, that he was a “victim” in all of it, but later I realized the real story.
So, first I would make notes of past problems – if someone denies, does not accept responsibility, makes themself into a victim when details do not add up, I would say this is a huge “red flag”.
If details someone gives about themselves do not add up, seem sketchy, or give you the feeling of being off in any way, in general, this is also a clue. Do not override your instincts when a story does not add up.
One thing, which is kind of typical (but not all experience this), is the sociopath “stare”. My socio had this – it’s an unwavering, un-empathetic, predatorial kind of look. Piercing eyes and the feeling of being “probed” is also something I will make note of…
Unfortunately, I will always be suspicious of overly charming people, and those persistent about developing a relationship too quickly. This is, in my opinion, abnormal. Someone should want to get to know you pretty well before wanting to get into a relationship.
You can also tell A LOT by someone’s language. What are they curious about, what are their motivations, what direction are they moving in, what is their focus on? … my sociopath was NOT a big communicator, in fact, the less the better – however, there WERE a lot of signs of cruelty that slipped out, that I passed over. Listen to what they say and take them at their word! You will be surprised at what you pick up!
Sociopaths do have variable personalities, in ways, but what it seems like, is that they do have a lot in common. It’s spooky how much of carbon copies they are of each other…
The PERSONAL things I will make note of with a new person, is: do I feel uncomfortable, threatened, uneasy, nervous, etc? Do I feel like this person is coming on too strong, invading my personal space, throwing me “off center” etc.
For me, I’ve ignored my intuition simply because I chose to. “Red flags” made me feel a conflict of emotion – excessive flattery FELT GOOD!!!! It fed that needy Insecurity Monster, and the Monster wanted more of it. The flip side to that was, I’m being complimented/flattered for something that is either insignificant OR utterly bogus. What’s up with that?
The best recent example of that for me was with New Face: “You are SO talented and you have SO much knowledge! What do you think about _____?” When I answered that I couldn’t provide a true schooled opinion on a specific method of firing pottery, she responded with, “But, you have SUCH GOOD insight. What do you think?” I was being CONSULTED! I was being VALUED! I was being love-bombed by someone who saw my insecurities and exploited them to HER benefit.
Judge Judy often said, “If it doesn’t make sense, then it’s probably not true.” It didn’t make SENSE for her to compliment me on something that I didn’t have one ounce of practical knowledge about. The moment these arbitrary compliments started coming, I should have backed WAY the hell off, and observed. Instead, I responded to the sudden and overwhelming “inclusion” because it felt GOOD to be flattered!
Here is another thunderbolt that struck me only a few moments ago: if another human being can move through society without remorse, then are WE capable of the same lack of empathy? This may just help to explain why people who have not really been harmed by a sociopath (that they know of) cannot entertain the idea that there are some human beings out there that are NOT behind prison walls DO deliberately intend to use, abuse, and discard others to get whatever it is that they want. Perhaps, it has been the primal fear (and, for me, the horror) that I could be capable of deliberately destroying others that caused me to ignore “red flags” in others’ behaviors.
Throughout my lifetime, I’ve always assessed other people using my own yardstick: if I can’t or won’t do something, then anyone that I care about can’t or won’t, either. This is just not true. People can and will do whatever they wish to their own benefit, and it’s my task to start accepting that fact down to my very toenails.
Just some random thoughts….BLESSINGS!
Ox, good food for thought:
“love at first sight is NOT LOVE it is infatuation”.or love bombing.”
I guess this is where I am right now… at age almost-50 I’m thinking I should know this by now! But I don’t. The difference between infatuation and love bombing. But I think those of you who have responded are saying, time will tell. Yes, at first maybe infatuation and love bombing are indistinguishable… but wait and see.
With my ex-husband (met him at age 28), he never did love bomb me. We dated 7 months before becoming engaged, wedding was 7 months after that. He seemed “normal” up until the moment we left the wedding reception. Then Mr. Mean and Ugly came out, and all of a sudden he could only find fault with me. I was flabbergasted and chalked it up to too much pressure with the wedding/reception. The next 7 years (before I left him) were more of my making excuses for his behaviors. But there never was any love bombing.
My second marriage, I thought I was doing it right. We both seemed to fall head over heels in love with each other. I was in my early 40s. I thought, “OK, this is infatuation — we are so “old” — but isn’t it fun! Let’s see where it leads…” and it seemed to lead to a good place. We dated a year and a half before getting married. Then, all of a sudden he got very gloomy and dissatisfied with most everything about me. I chalked it up to the stress of going from being a single guy to overnight being married/stepdad to 3 kids. But it didn’t get better. Also, there was the penetrating stare and the feeling that he was probing every bit of me. While letting on nothing about himself. I felt like he felt that I was his property. Everything I did (and I mean everything — I even mowed the lawn for the family) he took credit for to our friends. He seemed upset about things. I asked him to share what was on his mind, and he would shut me out. To this day… I don’t know if I can call him sociopathic… but what seemed such early promise during our head-over-heels days, and calmer dating days (once the initial infatuation wore off) — faded rather quickly.
It has made me now extremely skittish about a new relationship. I guess looking back, I know that neither man loved ME. They just seemed to fall for an “idea” of me — but it wasn’t the real me. And, in the first marriage, I know I played into that by walking on eggshells to be more of what he wanted, and less of what would tick him off. Until I nearly disappeared.
In the second marriage, I felt more like I’d been plundered for whatever I had to offer — you know, kind of used up and sucked dry, giving-giving-giving, but not actually cherished. Not actually seen.
I had thought that my being loving and accepting of my husband was what I was supposed to do. And lest that sound like I was too codependent or something — like many of you, sure I stuck up for myself. Sure, I was a very strong person who asserted her individuality — and I did it with good humor, too! But it was met with derision, contempt and any kind of undermining/gaslighting imaginable. That wears a person down.
So… thanks, everyone. I’m hoping not to make the same mistake a third time. But I don’t want to hide myself away. I’m hoping to be more aware of red flags this time, but also not inadvertently push someone genuinely warm and loving aside, out of my now damaged ability to judge a person’s intentions.