Russell Williams was a colonel in the Canadian Forces, a pilot who flew dignitaries including Queen Elizabeth II, and commander of the largest airbase in Canada. That is, until he was arrested for breaking into women’s homes and stealing their underwear, sexual assault and murdering two young women.
Lovefraud has written about Williams before: For Halloween: A real monster who liked to dress up.
The question, of course, is how did such a predator achieve the rank of colonel? Should he have been flagged along the way? How was it that Williams received nothing but stellar reviews, and turned out to be a murderer?
The Canadian Forces, stunned by what happened, launched an inquiry into how candidates are selected for senior command positions. Could enhanced psychological testing have revealed Williams’ true nature? Here’s what Macleans reported:
The answer, sadly, is no. Among hundreds of pages of internal military documents, obtained by Maclean’s under the Access to Information Act, is a draft version of that review. It confirms what leading experts have long maintained: there is no off-the-shelf exam that employers, armed forces or otherwise, can use to detect sociopathic killers. “Given the recent events in CFB Trenton, it is natural for the CF to question whether or not the organization could have identified a sexual sadist or predicted that an individual would become a serial sexual murderer,” the report says. But that “would be unrealistic to expect.”
Read There’s no way to spot another Russell Williams on Yahoo.com.
It’s probably true that no one could have spotted Williams. His case, however, is highly unusual. As I wrote in Sudden psychopath: The horrifying yet strange case of Col. Russell Williams, this case is unique in that Williams showed no signs of disorder before he suddenly became a sexual pervert and predator. Unlike most sociopaths, he didn’t have a history of lying, cheating and abusing. That’s why his case is so weird.
Judged by behavior
Although I don’t know much about the various psychological tests that are available, I doubt that any self-report inventory, where the subject answers questions about himself or herself, would work. After all, sociopaths lie. They lie about everything, so of course they’re going to lie on a personality test. Even if the test is designed to spot inconsistencies, how would anyone know which part is true?
To diagnose sociopaths, you need to know about their behavior. Most sociopaths leave a lifelong trail of destruction, ranging from overt crime to subtle emotional and psychological abuse. Dr. Robert Hare developed the Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R), and it has become the gold standard for diagnosing psychopaths (the term he uses). The PCL-R has two parts—a semi-structured interview, and a “file review.” This means that the individual’s criminal and psychological records are included in the evaluation. In other words, the psychopaths are identified by their behavior, not by their answers on a test.
The Gift of Fear
We, of course, don’t want to experience a sociopath’s behavior. We want to avoid them, so they don’t have an opportunity to inflict any damage of any kind. Can we do it?
I believe the answer is yes. The way to avoid a sociopath is to listen to our intuition.
Several people on Lovefraud have posted about a book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker. Oprah Winfrey called de Becker the nation’s leading expert on violent behavior, and his company helps hundreds of people, including celebrities, stay away from stalkers and other predators.
De Becker’s whole point in The Gift of Fear is this: Your intuition will tell you about danger. Listen to it.
I can back this assertion up with data. In the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey, conducted earlier this year, I asked the following question: “In the beginning of the involvement, did you have a gut feeling or intuition that something wasn’t right about the person or the relationship?”
Seventy-one percent of respondents said yes. Let me repeat that: 71% of people who became involved with sociopaths knew early on that something was wrong. Unfortunately, most of them stayed in the relationship anyway.
Trust your intuition
I think it’s unlikely that an accurate paper-and-pencil test for spotting sociopaths will ever be developed. However, we all have a built-in early warning system. The system isn’t designed to identify sociopaths in an abstract sense; it’s designed to warn us when we are in the presence of danger.
Here are the three steps to protecting yourself from sociopaths:
- Know that sociopaths exist.
- Know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior.
- Trust your intuition.
The key is to pay attention to the warning signals that we receive. But often we don’t. We doubt ourselves. We give the person another chance. We wait for hard evidence. In the end, we are damaged and filled with regrets.
Would listening to their intuition have saved Russell Williams’ victims? We’ll never know. But Gavin de Becker did relate a story about a woman who was assaulted in her apartment. The assailant told her to be quiet, promised he wouldn’t hurt her, and left the room. The woman, filled with fear, didn’t listen to him. She listened to her intuition and slipped away. The guy returned with a kitchen knife, intending to kill her. But she was gone.
I likewise disagree. One of the great popular misconceptions is that Ps and Ss are just monochromatic reptiles who stare off into space all the time like daydreaming serial killers. In my experience, at least, nothing can be further from the truth. Not only can they blush, I think many of them have personalities that are to all appearances remarkably generous, joyful, good-natured, “expansive,” full of life and wit and playful banter, etc. etc.
Really, we’re not a dumb group here. And I don’t think there’s one of us who would have fallen for a zombie with the “thousand yard stare.” No, that’s just Hollywood: in real life these people come with outsized personas that are “more real than real” – until, of course, you discover that NONE of it is real! But at first, yes, they are just the opposite. (In fact, I believe there’s a German word for this, which I can’t recall; but it means something like “the Shining Ones.”)
Nevertheless, the one thing they DON’T blush over is the fact that they are spiritual black holes masquerading as human beings!
My stbx husband, def spath, could blush at will. It’s part of his image – the shy, bashful, handsome, western rancher (truth is he hates ranching and cows and most esp horses, but he dresses the part, and he is a hottie in his button shirt and hat!)
and he is the most charming man you will ever meet, so fun and humorous and personable and just gets ya hot and bothered and doesn’t even seem to realize he has that affect on the women, and the men!
That was my experience as well Constantine. That is why I tend to ignore behaviour that would infer a good guy, but just watch for red flags. People are innocent and ‘good’ until there’s a red flag. I also refuse to put anyone on a good pedestal for the attention they pay me. Because if their efforts are not genuine but instead a mask, and I give them superpoints for being attentive and helpful and seemingly generous to others, then I’ll be skrewed.
Oh man, there have been some uber talented and brilliant spaths. You can be smart, funny, talented, and up beat and still be bonkers.
Every spath I’ve known has been charismatic and ‘full of life’ and very happy appearing.
But I still knew, this last one, that something was really wrong. I had intuitive hits right away. I just ignored them as best I could, because I wanted him to be for real.
Psychopaths are also expert at the “poor me” pity-ploy and crying tears that would make a stone cry! LOL Oh yes, they can blush and mirror just about any kind of “emotion” but they don’t “get it.”
As Dr. Robert Hare says “they can learn the words, but not the music to the song.” They are VERY good at what they do, but sometimes they are not quite good enough IF YOU KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR.
The RED FLAGS….and the flags can be subtle. The “love bomb” is one that is usually a WINNER…and it consists of OVERLY FRIENDLY behavior and showing trust TO US which is supposed to make us take down our guards and TRUST THEM….if you don’t know what you are seeing when a psychopath love bombs you, you will fall for it every time because they make YOU FEEL GOOD, BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, WONDERFUL, SMART, ETC. and you like THEM for doing so. Then you trust them and BAM! They have you hooked, so when they start the D&D (devalue and discard) or just the devaluing, you are gob-smacked and can’t understand what YOU DID WRONG to make them be so mean, so you try to be NICER so that they will go back to LOVE BOMBING YOU AGAIN…but even if they do go back to love bombing you, the D&D comes back and it is like a see-saw, up and down, abuse and bombing, more bombing and more abuse.
Over and over and over again—-so when someone shows the REAL PICTURE with their behavior, believe them….it will not get better and stay better. There is a PATTERN HERE.
My rules are simple.
TRUST IS EARNED, not given
Any sign of DISHONESTY of any kind, any sign of IRRESPONSIBILITY of any kind, any sign of CONTROLLING, I withdraw any close association with that person and will never trust them. If I for some reason must be around them, I am always on my guard, and I probably won’t confront them or “make a scene” about it, but just keep my emotional distance.
If it is where I can do so, It is No Contact all the way….and sometimes when you go NC with them, they will try to worm back into your life with an “I’m sorry” –but you will notice that even though they may SAY “I’m sorry” they really don’t ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY for what they have done. They always have an EXCUSE for what nasty thing they did or said.
Sunshine- yes he could do that. You’re gut instinct is telling you he’s trouble but he has found some vulnerabiluty in you and you want to believe he’s ok! I did it and I bet we all did it. Trust your gut instinct. These men prey on the vulnerable. The widow of 10 yrs in an earlier post is very vulnerable- no attention for a long time. She will be thinking what we all have thought- I can change him- he doesn’t love his wife/gf- he will be different with me, he is better than nothing!!!
None of us are stupid but it seems we have to learn the hard way! If you,ve had your fingers burned before….don’t be conned! You are worth more than that!
Skylar
Wow, that was an interesting deep dive you did into the nude posing and drawing. I wonder!!!!
Athena
I think it’s dangerous to assume that we can “catch” sociopaths by intuition, especially when we’re the target. It’s easier to spot the signs when someone else is being targetted. But when we’re get the full blast of their grooming behavior — the charm, the “shared interests,” the “caring,” the posing as what it is we want, when it’s someone to take care of or some big strong character we can lean on — well, it’s understandable if, no matter what the signals we could recognize in someone else’s life, we find ourselves remembering the good stuff, and trying to rationalize away the bad signals.
What does work — and this may be the source of our intuition — is having the right sort of inner life. The kind that judges things by “is this what I want?” rather than “what am I supposed to do here?”
People who gets sucked in by sociopaths tend to be reactors to circumstance, rather the creators of their own lives. I realize that’s a brutal generalization, and one that a lot of people could argue with. In my case, when the horrible ex came into my life, I could point to all the things I had created in my life — a fabulous career, a company with brilliant employees who trusted and liked me, a long-term relationship with my business partner, a nice home, etc. I achieved most of this on my own determination and vision. If someone had suggested that I was a reactor rather than a creator, I would have responded indignantly, “Let’s see you accomplish all this.”
But that was business or money-related. When it came to personal things — like ethics, self-esteem, purely social interactions — I was much less focused on what I wanted. I was much more likely to be challenged by what other people did or wanted. And not sure of the right thing to do. I had a set of rather creaky internal rules that I referred to. They mostly originated from opinionated sources from my childhood — family members who taught me various social rules, the church and church school I attended, and even social teaching that came through the television set, movie screen or books I read.
Even when I was a child, I recognized that the rules were often conflicting, and as I got older they became even more conflicting. As an example — some rules said that I was responsible for the consequences of my own behavior; other rules implied that I must adapt to other people’s expectations if I wanted to be loved.
After five years of enduring a viciously exploitative and abusive relationship with the horrible ex, and another three or four years of healing, I am a very different person. The girl-woman who used to try to accommodate other people, especially bosses or men who looked like relationship material, has been transformed inti less of a reactor and more of a creator. And that makes all the difference when it come to dealing with people who have interest in using me.
Instead of saying “Oh, you want that? Well, I’ll see how I can manage it,” I say, “That’s an interesting idea. I need to think about it, and I’ll let you know if I can fit it into my life.”
Instead of saying, “Right now? Well, I’m not sure, but if it’s that important to you I’ll change my plans,” I say, “I have other commitments right now. Call me later and we’ll talk about it.”
Instead of saying, “Oh poor you, what can I do to help?” I say, “Oh poor you, what are you going to do?”
All of this may sound basically self-protective, a kind of verbal judo. But it’s more that that. It’s based on an underlying belief that my life is mine, and I don’t want to be involved in anything that doesn’t match my sense of where I’m going or who I’m becoming or what I’m creating in my life. If I can justify involvement with another person because I get back something that’s important to me, AND I have reason to trust that this person is actually going to deliver, then it makes sense for me to get involved. Otherwise it’s just a distraction, and getting involved keeps me from what I really want.
Does this sound cold-hearted? It really isn’t. There are times when we get a lot from generosity. I lend money to entrepreneurs around the world through Kiva, I contribute to UNESCO, the Democratic Party, and various childen’s, animals and environmental causes. In every case, I’m also contributing to my own well being by making the world a better place, and in some cases, I have the pleasure seeing that I’ve made a real difference in the life of someone who is trying to rise up from poverty or other troubles.
Would I help a recovering addict who showed up at my door, needing money or a place to stay? No, not in the sense of giving him anything that equates to enabling, if he’s still using. But I would drive him to an AA or NA meeting and hand him over to those folks. And if asked, I would offer the kind of life coaching I do for people who are actively committed to changing their lives and willing to do the work involved.
Because that matches who I am and who I’m becoming, the things I do to create the life I want, the sources of my satisfaction for which I’m PAID (not necessarily in money, but always in something I can use now or in the future). This is how I keep creating myself and my life, and keep protecting that process from people who only take and, if they give anything, only give hard lessons.
But if I find myself uncertain, searching my memories and ethical standards or the residue of those old rules, to find the right next step, I have one other tool to fall back on. And that’s recognizing the fact that I’m doing that, that I feel pressured to make a decision without clarity, that the circumstances are confusing, and someone wants something that I don’t know if I should give.
When part of me says “no” and another part wants to indulge in the good feelings I get from being generous, it’s a good time to go into the bathroom, look into the mirror, and practice saying “This doesn’t work for me.”
And then see how I feel about shutting the door on this “opportunity” to do good or feel good or give in. How relieved do I feel if I shut the door?
“This doesn’t work for me” are my magic words. They not only help me out of situations that are too risky. But they also help me to decide if it’s not time yet to shut the door, if there is still potential that I want to explore.
These words can help start the right kind of discussion in my mind. Not that scared-child discussion about whether I’m a good person or not, or whether other people will judge me as a bad person, or whether someone else is expecting me to do something and therefore it would be easier to just do it. No, it’s the grown-up discussion that’s about me — whether this is good for me, whether this really feels wrong or right, whether this will nourish me or drain me.
That’s the kind of discussion that helps me stay clear about the experiences that people offer me. Yes, the dinner and movie were lots of fun, but the sense of obligation he keeps trying to make me feel isn’t fun and I don’t like where this is going. Yes, I enjoy planning a trip with him, but I’m getting uncomfortable with his expensive tastes and the fact that he’s never put one dollar into the travel fund. Yes, he’s a published writer and has lots of dconnections, but he’s never taken me to any professional event or introduced me to any of these people, so why do I think he’s going to start later? Yes, he’s amazing in bed, but why is he hiding me from his friends or family? And if I want to take a stab at improving any of the things I don’t like, what steps do I need to take now?
In other words, thinking about what’s good for me makes it easier for me to look at the good things and also the risks, and make a clearheaded decision about what I want to do. And it also gives me the courage to push back against someone who is pressuring me. I need time to think about it, especially if it’s complicated and confusing … and more especially, if it’s complicated and confusing because of another person’s issues and demands. Taking time to think about it is part of how I take care of myself.
Since I got “better,” and started being more thoughtful and protective of my wellbeing, it has completely reshaped my social life, as well as my inner life. There are a lot of people I don’t see anymore. My friends are people I might have called boring in the old days, when I tended to seek out strong, charismatic, somewhat edgy personalities. Today, these people look like players to me. People who go for short-term thrills, and don’t build much in their lives. I’ve become a builder, one of those comparatively calm and private people who thinks in long timelines. Even when I’m in trouble in some way, even when I’m facing a challenge I can’t immediately solve, I’m still thinking about how my future is developing and what I need to do to keep fertilizing the parts of myself and my resources that I want to develop.
Nothing, I think, can keep us eternally safe from a really smart predator who wants what we have, one that’s willing to invest in a “long con.” But the awareness of what we want and what we’re building in our lives can really help to cut their long con off in the first act. Because we don’t want to be vulnerable to things that weaken our identities or our vision, we don’t want to accommodate other people just to be loved, we want truth and rationality in every corner of our lives.
Sociopaths don’t even want to be around someone like that. We demand too much from the people in our lives in terms of mutuality and honesty. We’re too much work for them to seduce into acting against our own best interests. We’re too damned expensive for them.
And understanding all that, I believe, is the source of what we call intuition. It’s our own deep protective mechanisms that push back against people who threaten to mess up our lives. (And if they mess up our friends’ lives, it’s almost as bad. Because we have to deal with the backlash, supporting them through the grieving and recovery. They at least come out with a life lesson; we just lose a lot of time enduring watching our friends suffer.)
No matter how much bitterness and grief and insecurity we live with, I think that we are all capable of stepping into this thoughtful self interest. If we want power over our own lives, and we’ve never really stepped up to being selfish and self-protective before, making a decision to be a strong person is a huge step. After that it’s just practice.
Users will try to talk us out of it. We have to be willing to let go of rules and people and circumstances that influence us to be less than we really are. But the physical and spiritual truth is that we were made to survive and more, to develop naturally toward wisdom and power. Our bodies and minds come with all sorts of tools to help us do that. And we also arrive in this world with built-in compassion, optimism and love. We are, at our centers, good, joyful and ethical people. So we don’t have to worry about selfishness turning us into monsters.
It’s more likely that not taking care of ourselves, absorbing abuse, letting our personal and material resources run out, will turn us into monsters. It’s a truism that abused people turn into abusers. When enough damage is sustained, we develop a sense of entitlement to do whatever it takes to survive, or to take vengeance, or to gain power over the forces that made us suffer. We may pretend to be generous and compassionate to get what we want, but in our hearts we are poisoned by anger and grief at our victimization, and our best efforts are only seeking relief from pain.
People who take power over their own lives, who recognize that selfishness is the first imperative — take care of yourself first — chose their own decisions and understand that life lessons are just part of getting smarter and more capable. They don’t get tangled up in blame and bitterness. They assume the freedom to say yes and no without feeling the need to explain or justify.
Because they demand respect and caring as the price for their attention, they get it. And it’s not complicated for them to treat other people the same way, as long as those people appear to deserve it. And when they don’t deserve it, we remove ourselves, our attention, our caring, our investments of time and energy. Because these people aren’t worth it, because we value ourselves more.
This is being creative. Saying yes, no, I want that, or this doesn’t work for me. All this builds a life the reflects who we are and what we want. This also takes us a long way toward towards becoming impermeable to predators.
Or that’s what I think.
Kathy
And apologies, as usual, for the book-length post.
Kathy
No, no. THANK YOU for your book-length post.