Russell Williams was a colonel in the Canadian Forces, a pilot who flew dignitaries including Queen Elizabeth II, and commander of the largest airbase in Canada. That is, until he was arrested for breaking into women’s homes and stealing their underwear, sexual assault and murdering two young women.
Lovefraud has written about Williams before: For Halloween: A real monster who liked to dress up.
The question, of course, is how did such a predator achieve the rank of colonel? Should he have been flagged along the way? How was it that Williams received nothing but stellar reviews, and turned out to be a murderer?
The Canadian Forces, stunned by what happened, launched an inquiry into how candidates are selected for senior command positions. Could enhanced psychological testing have revealed Williams’ true nature? Here’s what Macleans reported:
The answer, sadly, is no. Among hundreds of pages of internal military documents, obtained by Maclean’s under the Access to Information Act, is a draft version of that review. It confirms what leading experts have long maintained: there is no off-the-shelf exam that employers, armed forces or otherwise, can use to detect sociopathic killers. “Given the recent events in CFB Trenton, it is natural for the CF to question whether or not the organization could have identified a sexual sadist or predicted that an individual would become a serial sexual murderer,” the report says. But that “would be unrealistic to expect.”
Read There’s no way to spot another Russell Williams on Yahoo.com.
It’s probably true that no one could have spotted Williams. His case, however, is highly unusual. As I wrote in Sudden psychopath: The horrifying yet strange case of Col. Russell Williams, this case is unique in that Williams showed no signs of disorder before he suddenly became a sexual pervert and predator. Unlike most sociopaths, he didn’t have a history of lying, cheating and abusing. That’s why his case is so weird.
Judged by behavior
Although I don’t know much about the various psychological tests that are available, I doubt that any self-report inventory, where the subject answers questions about himself or herself, would work. After all, sociopaths lie. They lie about everything, so of course they’re going to lie on a personality test. Even if the test is designed to spot inconsistencies, how would anyone know which part is true?
To diagnose sociopaths, you need to know about their behavior. Most sociopaths leave a lifelong trail of destruction, ranging from overt crime to subtle emotional and psychological abuse. Dr. Robert Hare developed the Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R), and it has become the gold standard for diagnosing psychopaths (the term he uses). The PCL-R has two parts—a semi-structured interview, and a “file review.” This means that the individual’s criminal and psychological records are included in the evaluation. In other words, the psychopaths are identified by their behavior, not by their answers on a test.
The Gift of Fear
We, of course, don’t want to experience a sociopath’s behavior. We want to avoid them, so they don’t have an opportunity to inflict any damage of any kind. Can we do it?
I believe the answer is yes. The way to avoid a sociopath is to listen to our intuition.
Several people on Lovefraud have posted about a book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker. Oprah Winfrey called de Becker the nation’s leading expert on violent behavior, and his company helps hundreds of people, including celebrities, stay away from stalkers and other predators.
De Becker’s whole point in The Gift of Fear is this: Your intuition will tell you about danger. Listen to it.
I can back this assertion up with data. In the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey, conducted earlier this year, I asked the following question: “In the beginning of the involvement, did you have a gut feeling or intuition that something wasn’t right about the person or the relationship?”
Seventy-one percent of respondents said yes. Let me repeat that: 71% of people who became involved with sociopaths knew early on that something was wrong. Unfortunately, most of them stayed in the relationship anyway.
Trust your intuition
I think it’s unlikely that an accurate paper-and-pencil test for spotting sociopaths will ever be developed. However, we all have a built-in early warning system. The system isn’t designed to identify sociopaths in an abstract sense; it’s designed to warn us when we are in the presence of danger.
Here are the three steps to protecting yourself from sociopaths:
- Know that sociopaths exist.
- Know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior.
- Trust your intuition.
The key is to pay attention to the warning signals that we receive. But often we don’t. We doubt ourselves. We give the person another chance. We wait for hard evidence. In the end, we are damaged and filled with regrets.
Would listening to their intuition have saved Russell Williams’ victims? We’ll never know. But Gavin de Becker did relate a story about a woman who was assaulted in her apartment. The assailant told her to be quiet, promised he wouldn’t hurt her, and left the room. The woman, filled with fear, didn’t listen to him. She listened to her intuition and slipped away. The guy returned with a kitchen knife, intending to kill her. But she was gone.
BINGO Skylar.
We have so many similarities that I think if I read your every word, I may resolve my carp in time to die of old age!
Life coaches say, ‘think about what you want, what are your dreams.” That confused me. I didn’t really have any. So I borrowed them from others, whatever was THEIR dream, I knew I could help make it come true b/c I am smart, I am driven, I am goal oriented, I am a good big picture/break it down into actionable components.
That very “helpfulness” landed me with an spath partner. He painted the picture and I jumped in it. Until he wanted to change the picture and I didn’t. The problem was my values. It got in the way of HIS dreams and I couldn’t turn a blind eye. He was so angry that I would not give him blanket approval and I was so angry that he condemned me for being the person I said I was, Integrity First, even if it costs me. Clearly my husband hunts for others, his MINIONS, to help him with His dreams. And he learned, never pick a minion with morals and values that he could not control. He attacked my soul but he could NOT destroy my core values.
Thank you for another piece of the puzzle. I just know when I get it figured out, I’ll be too old to do anything about it! Ha! But I’ll at least die in peace and contentment. Which is more than my spath can ever achieve, no matter how superior he thinks himself.
TUTUTUTUTUTUTU. 🙂
Kathy, great post and I agree with you absolutely! I’m also glad to see you back because your posts are as long or longer than mine!@....... LOL
QUOTE: I want you to pay your own way. I want you to be courteous and respectful. If you can’t do that, go away. I’m not interested in you.
Making up my mind to demand the same kind of courtesy from others that I extend to others sounds like a “simple” task but for me it was mind-boggling and life changing. I have the right to DEMAND, to REQUIRE that others treat me as well as I treat them. WOW!~ what a concept! If they don’t want to do that, then I have the RIGHT not to associate with them. DUH???? Sounds so simple, but it was a big jump for me.
I no longer have to tolerate that kind of nasty treatment from anyone, no matter who they are or what their relationship to me is!!!! I don’t have to try to appease them or please them, or be “nice” to them when they strike out at me, or to feel guilty because they are not happy, or to feel responsible for their lives or happiness. WOW! What a concept! Wish I’d thought of it 40 years earlier! LOL Glad to see you back posting on LF! TOWANDA!!! (hugs)
Katy, Kathy, and Oxy
All your words ring so true. I just want to add one thing because it could save a life: be afraid and be vigilant.
When you have encountered a psychopath, take it very seriously.
Mine killed the ones with boundaries. and let the ones without boundaries go, because he might be able to use them later.
In retrospect, I can see that his ultimate mission in life is to spread evil. If you are susceptible to his vicious programming, he won’t destroy you, but anyone with boundaries needs to protect themselves. I know most psychopaths kill souls, but some kill bodies. It’s not something you can see. You can’t see the extent of their mask, you can only see that they have one. Assume the worst.
Miss Hawk – great post! that’s the sound of my printer in the background.
Skylar
Oxy can attest to the same statement you made. “You can’t see the extent of their mask, you can only see that they have one.” and your advice is right on, “assume the worst”. I actually take it a step further, I say “it’s worse than you can imagine.”
EVERY TIME I thought it was the worst, I was underestimating how bad it was. Can you believe that once upon a time, I gave him grace for TERRIBLE behavior b/c I assumed he was just acting paranoid? As if a person harming me out of irrational paranoia wasn’t bad enough? From then on, HE’d say HE took things too far b/c he got paranoid again. TRUTH? NO he didn’t. He only backpeddled b/c his sociopathy didn’t work the way he wanted and he wanted a “do over”. That did NOT mean he had a regret other than not being able to exert the control and domination to get the WIN that he wanted. Do overs were so he could do more harm and REALLY WIN. He merely needed more Juice out of that victory.
Once we know that they are truly spath and not just a holes or N’s, then KNOW, don’t kid yourself, KNOW that they are capable of murder, b/c that’s EXACTLY what they are capable of – MURDER. That knowledge will guide your choices from then on in life.
Oxy, Skylar, Matt,
You guys are wonderful! So smart. So good. And I’m so lucky to have found you here all at once.
Matt where are you?
Skylar you sound SO GOOD! You know, when I finally figured out what I want, it was what I always wanted and just didn’t have the courage to commit to it. I mean I wanted it from the time I was four years old! I wanted to be a philosopher that taught the self-interest of compassion. I even knew that I’d somehow have to get them through healing first, because it was old fear and anger that blocked their compassion. Wild, huh? Maybe if you can get in touch with your four-year-old, she might tell you something.
Oxy, I’m honored to make your posts seem short by comparison. Thank heavens we actually got here in this lifetime, however long it took.
hgg522, thank you. That was a great letter. I too believe there was some plan in this. And that I got whacked by such a big stick because it took that much to break through my resistance. He still what he is. But I’m grateful now for the experience. It grew me up.
Kathleen – It is always a good read when your have something to share…as always, thanx for sharing.
Thanks for the reply, Kathleen
It makes me understand the first post more. I’m nearing 38 now, so yes still young. My path has been slightly different. I had ID crisis when I was 24, and through it I learned to accept my darker side, to not always be so good, to love the part of myself that stands up for itself, even if that is against other people’s wishes. But that led to an existential crisis at 27 combined with a late teen rebelling against my parents (I knew that what I wanted out of my life was more adventurous than my parents would deem safe, even if I did not know yet what exactly). Through the crisis I discovered my life’s calling combined with a kundalini awakening experience when I didn’t even know what that was. I knew I wasn’t really ready to settle down yet, so didn’t. At 32 I felt the biological clock ticking for the first time, but it was ony the start, the realization that I would really like to be a mother some day. It wasn’t until two years later that I finally felt the growing desire to settle down, and I started to behave more like it. In that time I had altered my wants in a man. I wanted a kind man (kind in general, not just to me) to whom I’d be attracted. However by the time I was 35 I also felt that perhaps I did not need a man per se to settle down. When I left for Nicaragua, my plan was to start fertility research and an insemination program in the 1-2 following years, while my best friend (who is gay and has a desire to be a father) would be the donor. When I met the spath, I was fully accepting of remaining single the coming years, and doing the settle down thing on my own.
Then I met the spath. I didn’t like him at the start, and he seemed too much of the bad boy type that I might have fallen for when I was much younger and still was attracted to bad boys, though the more introverted type (luckily I had been too shy around bad boys before that to actually be involved with any, and after that too uninterested to be in any kind of relationship). I felt I was way over the bad boy type. Told him so when he started to single me out. That’s when he started the pity play on me. So, I agreed to be friends at least, thinking he still needed to do a lot of growing up, but was perhaps not so bad a guy after all. I actually thought I recognized in him a friend of mine (who I consider to be a probable borderliner). Meanwhile I had had that crazy predictive dream, which in a way tried to warn me what would come of being with that guy, and yet it also triggered the onset of the oxytocine bond. The dream also probably triggered me on another hormonal level: the child wish. My therapist reminded me of that during last’ week’s session: a man talking about having children to a woman past her mid 30s who has no family of her own yet does weird things to her hormones. Anyway, eventually I entered into the relationship all the while thinking myself safe: I was perfectly happy and fine on my own before that, I was perfectly fine with the idea of being a single mother. I could always step out of it again. Plus, I was nowhere near in love with him as I had been with someone 8 years before that. He was not my biggest love. However, the addiction bond did not let me. I broke it off a few times, because of his actions that contrasted my own values. There was nothing that ever made me think better of the behaviour. But each time I did that, the addiction bond was too strong. I wanted to believe his promises of it never happening again or his crocodile tears, because I needed him for my oxytocine levels.
I sought no happiness outside myself (because I was already happy) when I met the spath, I had the same values as I have now. I had long before found my calling. I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew how I could do it on my own, even had the confidence, peace and faith that I could do it on my own. The only thing I could not do completely on my own is have a child on my own. And while I was prepared to do it on my own, I did not want to shut the door on the opportunity of a romantic partner who wanted to father a child with me. This was the hook, line and sinker. I did not know either that I would end up beign so bonded to him.
The mask came off, I got dumped, and I found info on psychopaths, their MO with the victims, and the oxytocine bond. I was by then already so disgusted by his actions I was already detoxing myself of him in my head. The info I found only reinforced this. He became someone I used to know very very quickly after that. Yes, I have become stricter on my values but it would be more accurate if I’d say “I have become even more strict on my values.” And yes I’m settling down as much on my own as possible, by being fully committed now and convinced that structure and routines are something I desperately need. But while my life was rather disorganized before, I had been trying to get it more organized prior and during with the same program I’m following now. I just never believed I needed it as much as I do now. But basically I just went one adventure, one challenge too far.
I know what you mean regarding a large group of people around me. Luckily the large group of people I had around me is still there. I’ve been reconnecting with two of those groups past weekend. I’ve been seeing more of my best friend again. I get a good, encouraging response from them. They know the gist of what happened, they believe and support me and they are as a group good spath fenders. The same goes for the friends I have in Nicaragua (foreign and Nican).
Armed with the knewfound knowledge about a portion of humanity and the experience that any personal contact with a spath includes a bonding risk, I hope to listen to my intuition and rationale more and silence my hormones when they fire up with someone inapropriate. I had a little test this summer. And I think I did well. A trekking guide I had to work with for 4 days came on strongly and lied that he was single and without children. I was not totally invulnerable to his charms, but the first I did was a background check on facebook after the trek was over and I could get to a puter. Discovered he was married and had a daughter, and reckoned that in a couple of days his effects would wear off again, which they did.
Darwinsmom,
I’m kind of with you on your earlier response to Kathleen. I don’t know what percentage of sociopath victims I represent, but I can honestly say (in response to the “creators” vs. “reactors” dichotomy) that I don’t have anything in my personality even remotely resembling the “people pleaser.” In fact, I care so little about how society or other people view me that, by and large, it probably borders on eccentricity!
With me (and again, I don’t know how common such cases are), this whole thing was never a matter of a “failure of will” – rather, it was almost entirely attributable to a failure of IMAGINATION. In other words, it wasn’t that I knew what my S was and kept coming back for more: I simply didn’t know what she was or what she was doing! (until one night when all the lies came out at once!)
I think it’s dangerous to genearlize about S victims. Some, no doubt, have little self-knowledge, accompanied by a flimsy internal moral compass. But I maintain (for what it’s worth) that that was never the case with me: I got duped not because I “wanted to believe the lies” – but rather, because there was simply no reasonable way at the time of telling that they WERE lies.
None of this negates the majority Kathleen’s well-thought out points. But I have always had a rather strong will, as well as a very definite inner sense of what I stand for – and what I am willing to stand in other people. So I bristle a bit at the notion that there is something “squishy” in my character that precipitated this whole fiasco – because I simply don’t see it.
Again, Kathleen’s intelligent input is very much appreciated: good natured debate is how we refine our own positions. But on that one issue, at least, I fear I’m very much at odds with her thesis.
Also, another final point about “intuition.” I think there is a very crucial distinction to be made between our ORIGINAL (we might call it our “virginal” intuition!), and the intuition we have acquired “post spath” (through the experience itself, as well as the years of research and reflection about “what it all meant,”etc.). Indeed, in our natural, “virginal” state, we were obviously “dupeable” (otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation!). But I submit that at this point most of us are pretty far towards the other extreme. To be sure, I wouldn’t encourage an attitude of over-confidence or hubris, but I do have to say (with no excess of false modesty!), that it’s going to be DAMN DIFFICULT – if not impossible – for anyone to ever fool me again! And while I can’t speak for the other posters, my sense is that it’s going to be damn difficult to fool most of them as well.
In general, I think the people here have stronger and more individualized characters than you would ever meet in daily life. (To wit, when was the last time you met an “Oxy” or a “One Joy”? – and those are just two arbitrary examples, not meant to show preference or “rank”. But I could go down the list: very few “cookie cutter types” here!) So yeah, there are no doubt some “people pleasers” who don’t know what in the dickens they stand for or want out of life. But I bet there are an equal number of us who aren’t like that at all.
And yet, here we are!
Again, this is not meant to disparage your interesting and always astute thoughts, Kathleen. I agree with more than I disagree with in your post. On this one point, however, I do think you are painting with too broad of a brushstroke!
Constantine,
I think in some ways I’m “multi-personality disordered”—(tongue in cheek there). With people outside my “circle of intimacy” I was pretty “uppity” as a woman and didn’t “take no sheet” off anyone. BUT, at the same time, I had this OTHER SIDE OF MYSELF that was a total DOOR MAT! I let my egg donor, my P son and other family members pretty well walk on me at will, and even if I “objected” to it, I would eventually GIVE IN and give them a pass.
Some people who only “knew” the One side of me were totally shocked to see the other side, and vice versa.
When I went back over my “life” in my own mind, and remembered and reviewed how much of a DOOR MAT I had been to so many people so many times, I myself was SHOCKED because I had “excused” or made excuses for so many of those times myself TO MYSELF.
Yea, I’m a “character” all right, but at the same time, I still know that I have that VULNERABLE SIDE if I don’t watch myself. I still have that “patsy” side of me that can be conned if someone is pretty good at it, that side of me that wants to think the BEST about people and HELP them, that altruistic STOOOPIDITY that was bred in the bone with me, and learned at my egg donor’s knee that I had to put others first before me, no matter what. I was taught I had to give the last drop of my emotional blood to others for their amusement.
In fact, just recently someone zinged me a LESSON in being a push over, and how psychopaths react when they are “injured” or you fail to give in to them. It wasn’t a costly lesson because the person is not someone I really am attached to and I simply just went NC with the person and let them spin in their own web. As things turned out, it was cheap tuition to the School of Hard Knocks. LOL It does remind me though, that as much as I would like to think that I am IMMUNE to being conned, I don’t need to get too cocky and uppity in thinking I am “all wise” because no matter how “wise” you think you are there are always some psychopaths out there with NEW TRICKS or new ways of doing old tricks to counter act your arrogance. Believe me, I’ve had my narcissistic ideas of my immunity kicked out from under me a few times, so I’m a bit more humble about it now. LOL
Someone also said recently (cant remember who said it) but IT IS ALWAYS EASIER TO SPOT A PSYCHOPATH ATTACKING SOMEONE ELSE THAN IT IS TO SEE THEM ATTACKING YOU.