Russell Williams was a colonel in the Canadian Forces, a pilot who flew dignitaries including Queen Elizabeth II, and commander of the largest airbase in Canada. That is, until he was arrested for breaking into women’s homes and stealing their underwear, sexual assault and murdering two young women.
Lovefraud has written about Williams before: For Halloween: A real monster who liked to dress up.
The question, of course, is how did such a predator achieve the rank of colonel? Should he have been flagged along the way? How was it that Williams received nothing but stellar reviews, and turned out to be a murderer?
The Canadian Forces, stunned by what happened, launched an inquiry into how candidates are selected for senior command positions. Could enhanced psychological testing have revealed Williams’ true nature? Here’s what Macleans reported:
The answer, sadly, is no. Among hundreds of pages of internal military documents, obtained by Maclean’s under the Access to Information Act, is a draft version of that review. It confirms what leading experts have long maintained: there is no off-the-shelf exam that employers, armed forces or otherwise, can use to detect sociopathic killers. “Given the recent events in CFB Trenton, it is natural for the CF to question whether or not the organization could have identified a sexual sadist or predicted that an individual would become a serial sexual murderer,” the report says. But that “would be unrealistic to expect.”
Read There’s no way to spot another Russell Williams on Yahoo.com.
It’s probably true that no one could have spotted Williams. His case, however, is highly unusual. As I wrote in Sudden psychopath: The horrifying yet strange case of Col. Russell Williams, this case is unique in that Williams showed no signs of disorder before he suddenly became a sexual pervert and predator. Unlike most sociopaths, he didn’t have a history of lying, cheating and abusing. That’s why his case is so weird.
Judged by behavior
Although I don’t know much about the various psychological tests that are available, I doubt that any self-report inventory, where the subject answers questions about himself or herself, would work. After all, sociopaths lie. They lie about everything, so of course they’re going to lie on a personality test. Even if the test is designed to spot inconsistencies, how would anyone know which part is true?
To diagnose sociopaths, you need to know about their behavior. Most sociopaths leave a lifelong trail of destruction, ranging from overt crime to subtle emotional and psychological abuse. Dr. Robert Hare developed the Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R), and it has become the gold standard for diagnosing psychopaths (the term he uses). The PCL-R has two parts—a semi-structured interview, and a “file review.” This means that the individual’s criminal and psychological records are included in the evaluation. In other words, the psychopaths are identified by their behavior, not by their answers on a test.
The Gift of Fear
We, of course, don’t want to experience a sociopath’s behavior. We want to avoid them, so they don’t have an opportunity to inflict any damage of any kind. Can we do it?
I believe the answer is yes. The way to avoid a sociopath is to listen to our intuition.
Several people on Lovefraud have posted about a book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker. Oprah Winfrey called de Becker the nation’s leading expert on violent behavior, and his company helps hundreds of people, including celebrities, stay away from stalkers and other predators.
De Becker’s whole point in The Gift of Fear is this: Your intuition will tell you about danger. Listen to it.
I can back this assertion up with data. In the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey, conducted earlier this year, I asked the following question: “In the beginning of the involvement, did you have a gut feeling or intuition that something wasn’t right about the person or the relationship?”
Seventy-one percent of respondents said yes. Let me repeat that: 71% of people who became involved with sociopaths knew early on that something was wrong. Unfortunately, most of them stayed in the relationship anyway.
Trust your intuition
I think it’s unlikely that an accurate paper-and-pencil test for spotting sociopaths will ever be developed. However, we all have a built-in early warning system. The system isn’t designed to identify sociopaths in an abstract sense; it’s designed to warn us when we are in the presence of danger.
Here are the three steps to protecting yourself from sociopaths:
- Know that sociopaths exist.
- Know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior.
- Trust your intuition.
The key is to pay attention to the warning signals that we receive. But often we don’t. We doubt ourselves. We give the person another chance. We wait for hard evidence. In the end, we are damaged and filled with regrets.
Would listening to their intuition have saved Russell Williams’ victims? We’ll never know. But Gavin de Becker did relate a story about a woman who was assaulted in her apartment. The assailant told her to be quiet, promised he wouldn’t hurt her, and left the room. The woman, filled with fear, didn’t listen to him. She listened to her intuition and slipped away. The guy returned with a kitchen knife, intending to kill her. But she was gone.
Exactly! you had a chance to freak out and rant in private, so it was out of your system by the time he contacted you. Maybe you wish you could rant and freak out to him, but you already know it would be just giving him the drama he’s vying for. You may have felt like zombie when he contacted you, but that zombie feeling also made your responses to him calmer and thereby unwittingly grey rocking him.
Darwinsmom,
I realized hindsight how important gut instincts and intuition is… Just never made those connections, so you asked some good questions.
What does “grey rocking” mean, by the way?
And, yes. I did wish I could rant and freak out with him, but he wouldn’t allow it. He would either abandon me, abuse me, call me and harass me, etc.
Any sort of resistence would always make my “punishment” worse if I fought back… and everytime I left, when we reconciled, his behavior towards me got worse and worse… he felt justified in pretty much torturing me.
Basically, I had to be his servant, no reactions no fighting back. I was an “owned” person.
It’s interesting how you said the premonitions I had in safety how they allowed me to have the correct response to my situation. Really cool perspective. Never thought of this stuff this way before.
Well, this actually helps… instead of seeing the premonitions as a product of mr. psycho… I can thank MYSELF for trying to save myself!!!
😀
Grey rocking means becoming dull to them. There are two things that spaths abhor: being bored and being ignored. No Contact gets you off them and get a clearer view, while it’s the sole thing that they hate from the one they wish to control and posess. What they run from though on their own accord is boredom, instead they love drama (especially when they are the cause of it). So, when you can give calm sounding short responses and talk about daily stuff (such as the weather or watering plants) you become like an inspicuous Grey Rock to them, something they voluntarily wish to get away from.
So, when you fought back, you gave in to his need of drama. You gave him what he wanted the most. And he punished you, to get more drama out of you. But at some point you have no energy to fight left anymore, and then you become boring and they go looking for new prey they get more drama from.
“Well, this actually helps” instead of seeing the premonitions as a product of mr. psycho” I can thank MYSELF for trying to save myself!!!”
Now that is self empowerment! TOWANDA!
Wow. This was really good info. Thanks.
skylar:
That Ziggy dream is hilarious! 🙂
Sky, I think you got that car accident dream nailed down. The other dream you wrote about while spooning with him on the couch: you mentioned how you were studying him in that time. I don’t believe it’s really possible that he could take over your dream or mind, but I do think that, now that you were open to what person he was and you were so close to him, your dream gave you the opportunity to ‘experience’ what it’s like to be so unfeeling. It’s as if you were able to crawl into his skin for a moment. And that experience, no doubt, helped you to arm yourself to get away from him.
For myself, I will cherish the dream with his father. I don’t think the spirit of his dead father really waited for me there, but at least the memory of him and the knowledge that he cared about me from human to human, though he knew he tried to get his son to settle with me, feels like that in a way my ex’s father wanted to release me from his evil son (and I know from others that is what he called his son), wanted me to get a clearer perspective and give me his blessing to move on. Before he died, he had set up finances and inheritance in such a way that his youngest son could get his papers done and his plane tickets for Belguim without burdening me any more. I know he expressed the regard he had for me to other family members before he died. But I also know that he would have turned around in his grave if he could have seen what his son was dong with it all after his death. And deep down I needed to make my peace with his father before I was ready to move on myself and face the truth about his son.
Purewater,
your spaths sounds like a dominating bully. So many of our spaths want drama. They want to see us fight back so that they can have an excuse to get angry and beat us down some more. When we fight back they ramp up the abuse until we “learn” to “respond correctly”, to quote my spath.
When we cower and walk on eggshells for them, they feel they have dominated us. One would think that would satisfy them, but it doesn’t because they are sadists. If you appease them, they just come back for more. They want constant and continual evidence that they have power over you. Their lust for power is never satisfied and and never enough. They will up the ante.
Grey rock is when you don’t give them any emotional reaction at all. We call it that because you must fade into the woodwork and become as noticeable as a little gray pebble among the millions in the landscape.
Give them no drama, no appeasement, no happiness or sadness. Nothing. Often times it becomes to boring for them to keep coming back because they don’t get the power trip they are looking for. I imagine though that, at first they will only try harder. But if you have money or assets, being boring will not make them go away – since they still want whatever you have.
In a sense you have to play dead. It might even require moving your assets into a trust and telling the spath you have sold or lost it. If you have kids, you have to pretend that they don’t matter to you, be very nonchalant about custody.
These are ways to use non-aggression to get rid of a spath. Others might be more successful using other methods but that’s the only thing I’ve been able to come up with.