By | March 1, 2010 24 Comments

Staggering statistics about domestic violence

Reading the newspaper on Saturday, two terrible articles jumped off the page.

A New Jersey man accused of abandoning his infant daughter at a gas station in Delaware has been charged with killing the toddler’s mother, whose burning body was found in an upstate New York park. Read more.

A man apparently infatuated with a special-education teacher shot and killed her as she walked into her elementary school Friday, shortly before students began arriving. Read more.

These were stories of domestic violence with the worst possible endings.

Dr. Liane Leedom has written previously on Lovefraud that, “studies of male perpetrators of domestic violence reveal that 50% are sociopaths and another 25% have sociopathic traits, but not the full disorder.”

So how big is the problem of domestic violence?

Not long ago, a Lovefraud reader sent me a link to a web page hosted by the American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence. The page is a survey of recent statistics, compiled to help lawyers and advocates who want to include statistical data in arguments to the court.

The list is truly sobering.  Here are some highlights:

• Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States.

• In recent years, an intimate partner killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims.

• Of females killed with a firearm, almost two-thirds were killed by their intimate partners.

• 1,006,970 women and 370,990 men are stalked annually in the United States.

• 81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner.

• 61% of stalkers made unwanted phone calls; 33% sent or left unwanted letters or items; 29% vandalized property; and 9% killed or threatened to kill a family pet.

• In 8 out of 10 rape cases, the victim knows the perpetrator

• 13% of adult women had been victims of completed rape during their lifetime

• In a study of eighth and ninth graders, 25 percent indicated that they had been victims of dating violence, including eight percent who disclosed being sexually abused.

• Physical aggression occurs in 1 in 3 teen dating relationships.

• About 50 percent of battered women who are employed are harassed at work by their abusive partners.

• Slightly more than half of female victims of intimate violence live in households with children under age 12.

• Between 3.3 million and 10 million children witness domestic violence annually.

• A study of 2,245 children and teenagers found that recent exposure to violence in the home was a significant factor in predicting a child’s violent behavior.

Those are just a few of the listings. There are many more on the ABA page, and several have links to the actual studies and other informative websites. Read more.

Here’s the bottom line: Of the assaults committed by men, 50% are being committed by sociopaths, and another 25% are being committed by men with sociopathic traits. I’d be willing to bet that the women who commit domestic violence are also sociopathic.

I think we can assume that most of the intimate partners were romantic and lovey-dovey when they first met the targets, and the relationship gradually spiraled down into abuse. This is why we need to know about sociopaths—so if we start seeing the first signs of violence, we can get out before things get out of hand.

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Ox Drover

Dear Donna, thanks for these statistics and links. It is SOBERING, or ought to be, for us all. DV of one degree or another is so “common” it seems, and if 50% of the perps of DV are “Sociopaths” and another 25% of them have “sociopathic traits”, to me that equals a BUNCH of guys that ought to be on a “don’t-date-him-girl” list somewhere.

Sometimes just reading a list like this makes me want to move to a desert island somewhere, but that’s hiding our heads in the sand, and our energies would be better directed to preventing this, and I noticed on the local news last night that there speakers on DATING violence for TEENAGERS in schools going on now and I thought that was a very good step in the right direction. Get it to the TEENS who are starting to date before you have to take it to the young mothers who have 2 kids and no way to make a living if they throw the bum out. PREVENTION is always the better option, and starting with the younger kids is a good idea. I am glad to see it getting started in the schools.

I noticed that in one of the public middle schools that my son and I do history presentations for, there are NO BULLYING signs all over the place and they are enforced as well as they possibly can be. A great school BTW!

Thanks Donna, scary information, but things we ought to be aware of.


50% of the perps of DV are sociopaths, and another 25% have sociopathic traits…

Can anyone expand on what the difference is of a true S, vs. one that has the “traits” but not full blown sociopathy? Does this mean that this person does exhibit some to the criteria but not enough to be “diagnosed” as a sociopath?
I have heard that addicts can mimic sociopathy, would this be under the 25% as well, according to the study?
Just slightly confused (sometimes it dosen’t take much):)
I thought with sociopaths- ya either is- or ya ain’t….


Thank you for posting this information!

What a service you did for numerous readers who are wondering about the relationship between DV and Sociopaths.

This is the info we should be getting out to the teens…..

I know what the talk around the dinner table will be at my house tonight!!!

Ox Drover

AMEN!!!! DONNA!!!!! Can everyone stand up and raise you hands and give Donna a big “YES MAM!!!!!!”


That one sentence is all we need to focus on, we do NOT want to be involved with anyone who scores on a PCL-R or has any of the NASTY TRAITS…..



Hear hear, EB, we need them like a dose of the clap!
Love, Gem.XX


Where I get confused…..and I TOTALLY agree that we just need to stay away from ALL who even begin to show any signs……is that it seems that some of these psychopaths are as much an extension of the narcissistic personality disorder or the borderline disorder, etc. as of the antisocial personality disorder.

I like Dr. Leedom’s thinking (and I hope I don’t misrepresent it) that there are these toxic personality disorders (cluster B?) such as antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcissitic personality disorder, etc. ….but pathology is a continuum upon which we all fall….Mother Theresa at one end, Ted Bundy and others at the other end….regardless of what other diagnosis may apply.

But I may have it wrong. But that thinking really makes sense to me. I think seeing pathology as only antisocial personality disorder on steroids is going to miss some of the “white collar” psychopaths….like a Thomas Crown (fictional character from the movie). Or perhaps a Tiger Woods, dare I say it. No crimes, but plenty of exploitation, lies, pulling one over, betrayal (including cheating on those he was cheating with), etc. But maybe the antisocial diagnosis captures him, don’t know.

Regardless of how I personally like to frame it in my own head, I think Donna has represented where the current thinking is or is headed for the mental health field.

Ox Drover

Dear Never again,

There are several behaviors that are part of the make up of the “personality disordered” group of people. With let us say in this post that PD is the over all “name”

There is Narcissism in all of them to one degree or another,
There is manipulation in all of them to one degree or another
also Callousness, aggression, hostility, ceceitfrulness, irresponsibility, recklessness, and impulsivity.

I think of this like say a painter mixing “colors” from a group of “primary colors”—so othe shades of one psychopathic portrait may not be exactly the same as the others, but they ALL contain a good mix of the PRIMARY COLORS.

Even a normal person at times is somewhat aggressive, or callouus, or even manipulative, or feels hostil, or is deceitful,
or a bit narcisxsixstic, or has been irresponsible, reckless or impulsive at one point or another. However, Back to your Mother Theresa on one end and Ted Bundy on the other end, mother Theresa’s portrait would be a VERY pale color compared to TED BUNDY’s which would be filled almost entirely with primary colors.

Depenbding on the social skills of some of the Ps, like Ted
Bundy was pretty socially skilled compared to say Charlie Manson and the “average Joe” would pick up on Manson probably quicker than they would on Bundy, but becausethere are such a large number of behavioral “primary colors” that can be observed, the variability of the “portraits” painted with these hews can be considerable.

The Tiger Woods portrait, I think would contain a great deal of Narcissism, and a great deal of deceitfulness, recklessness, impulsivity, manipulativeness and callsousness, I’m not sure about the aggression, but just the reports of his sexual exploits makes me think he scores well in all the other primary colors. I didn’t see any real signs of remorse or repentence in his “confession” of his “sex addictikon” (I thought he was trying to make him self appear HELPLESS TO HAVE CONTROLED THIS “ADDICTION.”–PUKE!)

OJ on the other hand, I think scores a HIGH NUMBER in all the “primary colors” and is quite AGGRESSIVE, even before he (I think killed Nichole) he beat her, so the killing was just upping the antee in the game and I think probably was pretty impulsive. It was recklessness as well, but I think was pre-planned. Just my opinion. He did not change though, and what got him arrested and jailed this time was that he thinks in PRIMARY COLORS OF THE PSYCHOPATH,, “I am entitled” “I am the best” “I deserve” and “I will use force”

I’m hopint the new DSM V way of ratiing the density of the “primary colors” of the psychopaths to “paint their portraits” with a psychological brush so that they are understandable to courts, to the public and to the law, will
help in making some sense of this mish-mash of terms.


Thanks Oxy.

Here’s my little rule. If a man is so bad that you get diarrhea when you think about him for more than two minutes….he is definitely a psychopath. 🙂


Isn’t it just about observing ethics, morals and good manners?
When we observe other people to do what they say the will and do demonstrate that they have done what they said they did, If we see them taking responsibility for themselves and care of people around them, nuturing friendships of some depth and actively participating in family relationships, experiencing and working through problems at a technical and emotional level and letting others do the same-

Is that a good enough start?

I hate the thought of trying to ascribe psychology labels to anyone else, I may not be qualified to split the measurements of the continuum, but I believe I can look for certain characteristics of behavior which point to opposing ends of the spectrum.

It all gets so complicated.

So what does a reasonable check list look and sound like?
– Family relationships in tact
-No Dominant staring
-Not all about him- not all about you either
-Qualifies and allows qualification of what they say
– consistent behavior
– Not infinitely patient
– Able to entertain themselves without involving other women?
– No inclination to self medicate?

I don’t know, but something simpler?

I’m not sure I want to hang around long enough for a maalox response….But an involuntary reaction like that is definately a clue. Definately. So would be throwing up…

Ox Drover


Well, some of those things would rule ME out!

“Family relationships intact?” NOPE, NC with both DNAS donors, and NC one Son (who happens to be in prison for murder), very limited contact with the other son who just recently lied to me, probably won’t ever fully trust him again.

I’m not a “dominant” person but I sure am no push over. I don’t STARE but I CAN melt lead at 20 paces if I choose to.

Nah, it’s not all about me.

I can entertain myself without other women, or men for that matter. LOL

My behavior is pretty consistent, unless I am having a melt down.

I don’t “self medicate” but thank God for psycho-pharmachology and that sort of Rx medication.

LOL Actually, my “short list” that is a KILL THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW is ANY FORM OF DISHONESTY and that includes just anything that is not “Nice” AND Honest.


As I read this post I remembered when I first thought our ‘relationship’ was becoming abusive. I thought this, actually 3 months after we met, however, I chalked it up to him being ‘needy’ as he told me and not knowing how to handle trust in a relationship.

We got over that bump and he agreed to go to counseling because he thought he was ‘digressing’ from where he had been 6 months earlier. Fine…the email said it all “this will NEVER happen again and Im taking steps to correct my mistakes”. Slowly, though, these mistakes in behavior or appropriate responses to situations became the norm, for however much I fought it.

It was to just be ‘accepted’ that he responded with a disgusting level of immaturity when he was ‘disappointed’. It was to be accepted that he responded by ignoring me when he was ‘tired’ of fighting with me (because I was unagreeable or difficult). It was also to be accepted that he throw himself around in a 3 year olds fit when he was told NO for anything…particularly sex. WHOAH…tell him NO and know the wrath will be coming.

All this acceptance wasnt really what I felt in my heart though. I guess it was easier to ‘accept’ this as who he was rather than fight it…or fight for myself to be treated better. I am a strong woman who has always stood up for myself, however, I found it to be exhausting with him. Never giving in to what he ‘wanted’ or ‘needed’ that was utterly ridiculous, I became exhausted with always being on edge and not knowing his predictability. This is abuse…although it may not have been consciously thought out on his part. It is, quite possibly, that those first 3 months WERE the show…and what I got after that WAS who he really is.

Its like being a teacher and changing your attitude towards the kids when being evaluated by the principal…but only for that day. The kids all know what’s going on, and they go along with it, hoping it will continue, but after you’re ‘in the clear’ or ‘safe’, your old ‘ways’ come right back.

This was a mind game…all the behaviors, as I never knew if he would pack his shit and leave during a fight…if he would ignore me…if he would lash out at me verbally…or if he would really be mad and handle himself like an adult. I often times felt like I was walking on eggshells because if I was agreeing with him, all was good in the household. But it was in a passive way…like I said, Im strong and will stand up for myself. If he was unable to ‘coax’ me into doign what HE wanted, there was a very passive quality to him…a look (that I can still see to this day) of displeasure, of little girl snottiness, of snubbing his nose at me. Do you think he would acknowledge the look when I saw it? Hell no!

I hate him.


Well, there you have it.
There isn’t any easy way to type people good or bad without knowing them.

The difference between hunting snipes and psycopaths is that you CAN find the latter….even without tatoos on their foreheads….

And looking for kill this now or not makes sense.

Key is ANY FORM of dishonesty. Any.
Big clue.

Genuine Humility might be something to look for too…

Ox Drover

Dear Silvermoon,

What’da ya mean you can’t find SNIPES? I got this great snipe hunting place, come on over to my house and I’ll take you out and show you how to find not only SNIPES but GOOD Psychopaths too! LOL ROTFLMAO


Tee Hee…..


The statistics are scary… I do however find it hard to believe so many men are being abused by intimate partners.

Don’t get me wrong, my ex husband is now married to a diagnosed sociopath (diagnosed narcissistic PD, borderline PD and anti-social PD – and all round nasty fruit loop) who boasts online about how she bashes him and he just stands their taking it while crying like a baby. And as I’ve known her far longer than he has (she was a close friend before the second time I seperated from him – seperated because she claimed he’d raped her when it merely a ploy to break us up because she’d been having an affair with him for a very long time and wanted to have him to herself – he’d raped me often enough, so I believed her), she beat up many boyfriends before him.

But I also know the poor deluded fool used to pretend I was “abusing” him – he’d even scratch, punch and bite himself – all very hard – and tell other people I’d done it to him – all the while beating the living daylights out of me on a regular basis. In nearly a decade abuse, I only twice even tried to protect myself – both times while I was pregnant, to protect our helpless child. The rest of the times I just took the beating without resistance because I knew from growing up with a violent mother, if you try to protect yourself, it just aggravates them into beating you more.

Sure, there are probably a few women who harm themselves and claim it was their partner, but I know a hell of a lot of violent men who abuse totally innocent partners and then claim that is they who are being abused or that it is mutual abuse.

Ox Drover

Dear Sela,

I call this marriage between your abusive X and the abusive woman a “gasoline and fire” relationship. They alternate who is going to be the “pseudo-victim” and who the abuser, but they are BOTH ABUSERS. It is a dangerous relationship but more common than you might think.

I’m glad she has him ALL TO HER SELF and you are OUT of that relationship!!!!! Best thing that could ever have happened to you and I personally thinkk they DESERVE each other, neither one of them got a “prize catch” that any normal person would want! You got lucky GF! Congratulations on him having HER! Whatever they give each other is well deserved in my book.

Glad you are here and safely away from him! ((((hugs)))) and God bless.



Do you hunt snipe the traditional way by banging rocks together in front of a hollowed out hole in a tree? Oh, yes, and lest we forget the mirror in the burlap sack.

Ox Drover

Dear Matt,

I see that you MUST be a successful snipe hunter, you have all the tricks down. Of course I hunt snipes the TRADITIONAL WAY and I love to initiate others in to the mystery and skills of being great snipe hunters. If you have a friend who wants to learn to hunt snipes, send’em on down! I’ll be glad to take them on a wonderful snipe hunt! Hee hee



Believe it or not, a friend was in a junk shop in England one day and found the perfect gift for me — an old, illustrated print of a snipe. They’re sort of cute — kind of like a cross between a meercat and a prairie dog.

Ox Drover

Matt, yes there IS such a thing as a “snipe,” but those are NOT the “snipes” we hunt—my Jack Russell terrier has a MEERCAT GRIN on his face when he is embarassed, I SWEAR IT! Perfect imitation of a meercat’s grin!

We walked down into the woods today and found that the Red Tailed hawks are still using the nest across from the house, just a few feet into the pine trees. They really enlarged it last year and looks like they had a successful brood as there were lots of juvenile feathers on the ground! It is sort of neat but we don’t go around that tree much as we don’t want to disturb them. It is really amazing that they actually nested this close to as much noise as we have around here and comings and goings and such.

Still no “nuther” calf, she is very uncomfortable, I need to keep an eye on her, very rarely they will have a TAIL ONLY BUTT presentation (rather than back feet) and will actually be in labor for a couple of days before you can tell for sure until the calf’s tail hangs out her butt, have only seen one in my life, but by then the calf is dead, just have to keep an eye on her and see what goes on. We are checking her several times a day. She is an older cow, not a first or second timer, but she is VERY FAT and sometimes overly fat cattle will hav e positioning problems at birth because the baby doesn’t have enough room to turn around nose outward. Will just keep checking on her, she doesn’t SEEM in active labor but she is very much uncomfortable. I was “very much uncomfortable” too when I was that far along! OUCH!

I love junk shops everywhere! great stuff! Need to start my own junk shop! lol

Ox Drover

Sexual predator official state web sites are up and running for “registered” sex offenders, but the statistics show that there are at least 100,000 living who knows where and are not living where they are registered.

Arkansas “sexual assesors” personel told me that they were 5,000 assessments BEHIND (that is a year behind as they do about 5,000 a year of NEW offenders) and even after 10 months of being in my state, the Trojan Horse psychopath was STILL not assessed, and BECAUSE he was not officially ASSESSED as to his “level” he could NOT be arrested for not being and living where he said he was. DUH?

I raised some cane as we say here and they did get him to the top of the assessment list, but by that time it was “too late” to arrest him—he was registered at and living at my egg donor’s home.

IN addition to that, he had dropped from Texas’ assessmenht of him as a LEVEL 4, HIGH VIOLENCE RISK to a “level 2 moderate” (at that time he didn’t even appear on the WATCH LIST & he had 3 offenses with children 9, 11, and 14 years old and a huge 15 page list of other crimes he had been convicted for—when I questioned this, I was told “well, he didn’t commit these crimes in THIS STATE.” So crossing the state line made him a safer man.

I checked again today, and something has “changed” he is NOW on the web site, still listed as “level 2, moderate” with an address that is “not mappable at this time” but does give the BLOCK and STREET where he lives as well as the city.

But unless you were searching for him by NAME he would NOT SHOW UP. Unlike the web page for when he was in Texas, there is NO information on the crimes he has committed, even the sexual ones, but says for “information about those crimes contact ACIC” I’m not sure what ACIC is, but will see if I can find out.

It does at least have his photo on the web site and appears to be a current one. There is nothing on his description though except his age, sex and that he is caucasian. Nothingn about the tattoos, hair color, eye color height or weight. It does give his date of birth.


Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday. Incidents of DV go up with alcohol consumption. Good to be careful.

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