Reading the newspaper on Saturday, two terrible articles jumped off the page.
A New Jersey man accused of abandoning his infant daughter at a gas station in Delaware has been charged with killing the toddler’s mother, whose burning body was found in an upstate New York park. Read more.
A man apparently infatuated with a special-education teacher shot and killed her as she walked into her elementary school Friday, shortly before students began arriving. Read more.
These were stories of domestic violence with the worst possible endings.
Dr. Liane Leedom has written previously on Lovefraud that, “studies of male perpetrators of domestic violence reveal that 50% are sociopaths and another 25% have sociopathic traits, but not the full disorder.”
So how big is the problem of domestic violence?
Not long ago, a Lovefraud reader sent me a link to a web page hosted by the American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence. The page is a survey of recent statistics, compiled to help lawyers and advocates who want to include statistical data in arguments to the court.
The list is truly sobering. Here are some highlights:
• Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States.
• In recent years, an intimate partner killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims.
• Of females killed with a firearm, almost two-thirds were killed by their intimate partners.
• 1,006,970 women and 370,990 men are stalked annually in the United States.
• 81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner.
• 61% of stalkers made unwanted phone calls; 33% sent or left unwanted letters or items; 29% vandalized property; and 9% killed or threatened to kill a family pet.
• In 8 out of 10 rape cases, the victim knows the perpetrator
• 13% of adult women had been victims of completed rape during their lifetime
• In a study of eighth and ninth graders, 25 percent indicated that they had been victims of dating violence, including eight percent who disclosed being sexually abused.
• Physical aggression occurs in 1 in 3 teen dating relationships.
• About 50 percent of battered women who are employed are harassed at work by their abusive partners.
• Slightly more than half of female victims of intimate violence live in households with children under age 12.
• Between 3.3 million and 10 million children witness domestic violence annually.
• A study of 2,245 children and teenagers found that recent exposure to violence in the home was a significant factor in predicting a child’s violent behavior.
Those are just a few of the listings. There are many more on the ABA page, and several have links to the actual studies and other informative websites. Read more.
Here’s the bottom line: Of the assaults committed by men, 50% are being committed by sociopaths, and another 25% are being committed by men with sociopathic traits. I’d be willing to bet that the women who commit domestic violence are also sociopathic.
I think we can assume that most of the intimate partners were romantic and lovey-dovey when they first met the targets, and the relationship gradually spiraled down into abuse. This is why we need to know about sociopaths—so if we start seeing the first signs of violence, we can get out before things get out of hand.
Isn’t it just about observing ethics, morals and good manners?
When we observe other people to do what they say the will and do demonstrate that they have done what they said they did, If we see them taking responsibility for themselves and care of people around them, nuturing friendships of some depth and actively participating in family relationships, experiencing and working through problems at a technical and emotional level and letting others do the same-
Is that a good enough start?
I hate the thought of trying to ascribe psychology labels to anyone else, I may not be qualified to split the measurements of the continuum, but I believe I can look for certain characteristics of behavior which point to opposing ends of the spectrum.
It all gets so complicated.
So what does a reasonable check list look and sound like?
– Family relationships in tact
-No Dominant staring
-Not all about him- not all about you either
-Qualifies and allows qualification of what they say
– consistent behavior
– Not infinitely patient
– Able to entertain themselves without involving other women?
– No inclination to self medicate?
I don’t know, but something simpler?
I’m not sure I want to hang around long enough for a maalox response….But an involuntary reaction like that is definately a clue. Definately. So would be throwing up…
Silvermoon,
Well, some of those things would rule ME out!
“Family relationships intact?” NOPE, NC with both DNAS donors, and NC one Son (who happens to be in prison for murder), very limited contact with the other son who just recently lied to me, probably won’t ever fully trust him again.
I’m not a “dominant” person but I sure am no push over. I don’t STARE but I CAN melt lead at 20 paces if I choose to.
Nah, it’s not all about me.
I can entertain myself without other women, or men for that matter. LOL
My behavior is pretty consistent, unless I am having a melt down.
I don’t “self medicate” but thank God for psycho-pharmachology and that sort of Rx medication.
LOL Actually, my “short list” that is a KILL THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW is ANY FORM OF DISHONESTY and that includes just anything that is not “Nice” AND Honest.
As I read this post I remembered when I first thought our ‘relationship’ was becoming abusive. I thought this, actually 3 months after we met, however, I chalked it up to him being ‘needy’ as he told me and not knowing how to handle trust in a relationship.
We got over that bump and he agreed to go to counseling because he thought he was ‘digressing’ from where he had been 6 months earlier. Fine…the email said it all “this will NEVER happen again and Im taking steps to correct my mistakes”. Slowly, though, these mistakes in behavior or appropriate responses to situations became the norm, for however much I fought it.
It was to just be ‘accepted’ that he responded with a disgusting level of immaturity when he was ‘disappointed’. It was to be accepted that he responded by ignoring me when he was ‘tired’ of fighting with me (because I was unagreeable or difficult). It was also to be accepted that he throw himself around in a 3 year olds fit when he was told NO for anything…particularly sex. WHOAH…tell him NO and know the wrath will be coming.
All this acceptance wasnt really what I felt in my heart though. I guess it was easier to ‘accept’ this as who he was rather than fight it…or fight for myself to be treated better. I am a strong woman who has always stood up for myself, however, I found it to be exhausting with him. Never giving in to what he ‘wanted’ or ‘needed’ that was utterly ridiculous, I became exhausted with always being on edge and not knowing his predictability. This is abuse…although it may not have been consciously thought out on his part. It is, quite possibly, that those first 3 months WERE the show…and what I got after that WAS who he really is.
Its like being a teacher and changing your attitude towards the kids when being evaluated by the principal…but only for that day. The kids all know what’s going on, and they go along with it, hoping it will continue, but after you’re ‘in the clear’ or ‘safe’, your old ‘ways’ come right back.
This was a mind game…all the behaviors, as I never knew if he would pack his shit and leave during a fight…if he would ignore me…if he would lash out at me verbally…or if he would really be mad and handle himself like an adult. I often times felt like I was walking on eggshells because if I was agreeing with him, all was good in the household. But it was in a passive way…like I said, Im strong and will stand up for myself. If he was unable to ‘coax’ me into doign what HE wanted, there was a very passive quality to him…a look (that I can still see to this day) of displeasure, of little girl snottiness, of snubbing his nose at me. Do you think he would acknowledge the look when I saw it? Hell no!
I hate him.
Well, there you have it.
There isn’t any easy way to type people good or bad without knowing them.
The difference between hunting snipes and psycopaths is that you CAN find the latter….even without tatoos on their foreheads….
And looking for kill this now or not makes sense.
Key is ANY FORM of dishonesty. Any.
Big clue.
Genuine Humility might be something to look for too…
🙂
Dear Silvermoon,
What’da ya mean you can’t find SNIPES? I got this great snipe hunting place, come on over to my house and I’ll take you out and show you how to find not only SNIPES but GOOD Psychopaths too! LOL ROTFLMAO
Tee Hee…..
The statistics are scary… I do however find it hard to believe so many men are being abused by intimate partners.
Don’t get me wrong, my ex husband is now married to a diagnosed sociopath (diagnosed narcissistic PD, borderline PD and anti-social PD – and all round nasty fruit loop) who boasts online about how she bashes him and he just stands their taking it while crying like a baby. And as I’ve known her far longer than he has (she was a close friend before the second time I seperated from him – seperated because she claimed he’d raped her when it merely a ploy to break us up because she’d been having an affair with him for a very long time and wanted to have him to herself – he’d raped me often enough, so I believed her), she beat up many boyfriends before him.
But I also know the poor deluded fool used to pretend I was “abusing” him – he’d even scratch, punch and bite himself – all very hard – and tell other people I’d done it to him – all the while beating the living daylights out of me on a regular basis. In nearly a decade abuse, I only twice even tried to protect myself – both times while I was pregnant, to protect our helpless child. The rest of the times I just took the beating without resistance because I knew from growing up with a violent mother, if you try to protect yourself, it just aggravates them into beating you more.
Sure, there are probably a few women who harm themselves and claim it was their partner, but I know a hell of a lot of violent men who abuse totally innocent partners and then claim that is they who are being abused or that it is mutual abuse.
Dear Sela,
I call this marriage between your abusive X and the abusive woman a “gasoline and fire” relationship. They alternate who is going to be the “pseudo-victim” and who the abuser, but they are BOTH ABUSERS. It is a dangerous relationship but more common than you might think.
I’m glad she has him ALL TO HER SELF and you are OUT of that relationship!!!!! Best thing that could ever have happened to you and I personally thinkk they DESERVE each other, neither one of them got a “prize catch” that any normal person would want! You got lucky GF! Congratulations on him having HER! Whatever they give each other is well deserved in my book.
Glad you are here and safely away from him! ((((hugs)))) and God bless.
OxDrover:
Do you hunt snipe the traditional way by banging rocks together in front of a hollowed out hole in a tree? Oh, yes, and lest we forget the mirror in the burlap sack.
Dear Matt,
I see that you MUST be a successful snipe hunter, you have all the tricks down. Of course I hunt snipes the TRADITIONAL WAY and I love to initiate others in to the mystery and skills of being great snipe hunters. If you have a friend who wants to learn to hunt snipes, send’em on down! I’ll be glad to take them on a wonderful snipe hunt! Hee hee