By: Linda Hartoonian Almas, M.S. Ed
Last year, I re-connected via social media, with a childhood friend who I had not seen in years. As mothers with children of similar ages, we had a lot to catch up on. As we did, I learned that she has two children who are suffering from a misunderstood and often misdiagnosed disorder.
She is a wonderfully positive person, who freely discusses her children’s struggles, in hopes of educating others about the issue. She advocates fiercely for them, yet seems to successfully strike a balance between speaking on their behalf and encouraging their independence.
The same, only different
Over time, as I learned more, I found that I identified with her emotions regarding her family’s concerns. Her situation is riddled with various highs and lows. Some days bring serious hurdles to jump, along with grave disappointments, while others bring great pride and immense joy. She and her family see many great successes, but these successes are punctuated with frequent challenges.
While psychopathy is not on her radar and we are dealing with two very different issues, it occurred to me that we share some very similar feelings regarding the paths we are on. One day, while beaming with pride regarding her children’s recent achievements, she pointed out how they rose above their health concerns, accomplishing things that many other parents would simply take for granted.
She said that her children were thriving, in spite of the large number of days that their particular illness had “stolen” from them. I noted that this was not the first time that she had used such terminology. She realizes that no matter how well things go, she cannot change that her children have been “robbed” of certain normal life experiences.
My revelation
Her simple statement brought about a “light bulb moment” for me and really got me thinking. Isn’t that how most of us feel about our experiences with psychopathy or the individuals with psychopathic traits who have touched our lives?
They may have literally stolen many things from us, but most importantly, they did, effectively, “steal” portions of our lives. When we attach a unit of measure to what we endured, even if only in terms of thievery, it helps quantify our experiences.
It allows us to make sense of our lost time and gives us something tangible to take away from our experiences. It also gives us a reference point from which we are able to spring forward.
Prior to her statement, I had not thought in such terms. However, she was right. Again, I identified with what she was saying.
Wasted time
How many days, weeks, months, or years did we spend trying to work with the individuals in our lives with psychopathic features? The chances are good that now that we know what we were up against, our responses would be, “too many.” No actions on our parts could have increased our odds.
What I feel I lost from my brush with psychopathy is almost immeasurable. Yet, at the same time, so is what I gained.
Stolen time
In terms of stolen time, what exactly gets taken from us, as these relationships run their course? While there are numerous constants, some specifics may depend on the types of relationships we experienced.
A psychopathic parent will affect us differently than a psychopathic romantic partner. Nonetheless, the behaviors may be similar and just as abusive and devastating. Also, each carry the potential for long term harm. However, we tend to lose different pieces of our innocence, depending on the natures of our associations.
Regardless, we must accept that, while some forms of these relationships did exist, they were not the ones we thought we were having. Our involvements were based on love, caring, and genuine emotion. Little, if any, of that actually occurred on their ends, even if it appeared to for a time. For them, the associations were lies. Because of this, we were unable to take any meaningful actions. Nothing was real. Stolen time.
What about significant life events that we were shortchanged on in our experiences with psychopaths? In life, we encounter many emotionally charged moments, such as the births of children or the deaths of loved ones. We tend to experience a variety of feelings when something special or significant occurs.
Psychopathic individuals, however, do not experience these emotions in the same ways that we do. Therefore, their reactions tend to be quite different from ours. We may feel great joy or pain, they may feel next to nothing out of the ordinary. We may have tried to share our feelings, victories, or defeats, hoping that they could “feel” along with us. They could not. Rather, anger and rage at our attempts ensued.
In spite of our desires, we were forced to walk the emotional experiences alone. Their muted or non-existent affects left us feeling empty and disappointed. Their rages left us upset and confused. Stolen emotions. Stolen relationships.
Worse yet, often, the experiences we have with these individuals are so damaging that we try to eliminate them from our memories completely. Unfortunately, along with forgetting the bad they inflicted, we sometimes lose portions of the good we encountered with others who surrounded us. Stolen memories.
There are numerous other ways they violate us and take from us, as well. The above are only a few examples.
Truths acknowledged
Unfortunately, if we were involved with psychopathic individuals, the truth is that portions of our lives may have been stolen by the disorder. While we may be able to recover the financial or material losses psychopaths create, some of our losses are not tangible items that we can take back. To some extent, we may always have to live with the trappings of these experiences.
As a result, it is important to own the losses. No one likes feeling robbed of special or irreplaceable pieces of our lives. We deserved more than mechanical and insincere responses, if we got any at all.
However, again, our knowledge and understanding can set us free. We must acknowledge any pain, so that we can leave it behind. It is not worth hanging on to.
Rising and conquering
That is not to say that we can or should try to erase what we lived. We should, however, work to thrive. We can do this, not only in spite of our experiences, but because of them. Sometimes, I feel like it took such an experience for me to reach my potential. I know what I learned has caused me to push myself to attempt and achieve things I never otherwise would have.
We can find goodness amongst the setbacks, by using the wisdom that our experiences gave us.
We can surround ourselves with loving people, who truly share our values and treat us well, rather than embrace disordered imposters. In fact, we may come to the point of being able to thank our imposters for showing us what it was like to live “half alive.” Without that education, we may not have been able to recognize “full-on” living. We can come to know calm, regarldess of what they may do.
After taking hits and having pieces of our lives “stolen,” we can recover and have and be more than we ever imagined.
Like my friend, who will never be able to alter the realities surrounding her children’s challenges, we cannot change what was. We can, however, conquer what will be; each of us, in our own ways.
Linda, what a superb article.
The exspath took away and nullified ANY milestone or accomplishment. Honors Cermonies, scholarship awards, juried art show awards, exhibit openings graduation…..all of it was experined without his presence or support.
I can’t relive any of those events, so I have to sort out a way to make every day to be one of importance, even if it’s something as mundane as getting laundry done.
Thank you SO much for this timely insight!
Brightest blessings
Excellent article!! Spot on:=)
Thank you.
Very VERY good article, Linda. It does reflect what we have lost, or had stolen from us. It comes at a time too, when I was reflecting on the lost love I had for a friend who turned out to be psychopathic, and who had stolen from me…stolen something that if she had asked, I would have freely given her. I loved this woman like a sister and so wanted a relationship with her that was close and loving as well…and I feel robbed that I didn’t have the chance for that.
My own P sperm donor robbed me of the chance for an adult relationship with my half sibs by “poisoning the well” with them about me when they were children. A relationship with my sibs was stolen from me by my P sperm donor. I can’t get that back in this life time.
I so wanted a good relationship with my adult children, and wanted grandchildren…but that has been stolen from me by my P son Patrick and by the unacceptable behavior of my other son C. I feel ROBBED. It is exactly the same feeling I had after my house was robbed years ago.
We can’t get back the stuff that was stolen from us in terms of relationships that we wish we could have had, sometimes we get back the matieral stuff that was stolen but not always….but we must not let the disappointments from having these things, either material or emotional, stolen from us. We must keep on with our lives, and fill them with joy and peace rather than dwell on the irreplaceable loses.
wow! so i’m not the only one that tells my friends that my ex robbed me. robbed me of 17 yrs of my life, the best yrs of my life, late 30’s,40’s and 2 yrs of my fifties. he robbed me of ever having my 2 grandchildren come spend the night or a few days over where i live. we moved so much and always unsure of how long we would be where we were. they are all grown now and they have never spent hardly any time to even really get to know them or them me and that really breaks my heart to pieces. he robbed me of learning where everything is in my own state i have lived in all my life. i’ve only been from my town tacoma and as far as seattle. he never took me anywhere and i wasn’t allowed to go places if i didn’t do it with him. now i get super embarrassed when i talk to people and they ask me if i know where different places are around the state and i have to say i don’t know where that is and they know i’ve lived here my entire life. a girlfriend came to visit me last summer that i’ve been friends with since i was 19. we hadn’t seen each other in 30 yrs. as we started to tell each other about our life experiences she says to me , wow, marc you’ve really missed out on life. i told her i knew that and had to keep from crying cause you only have one time to live your life can’t go back and redo. sorry don’t mean to sound like i’m whining i guess i just needed to say all this to vent i guess. anyway i’m trying my best to look forward now and not dwell on what i was robbed of. it’s been a year this last may 8th that i have had no contact. i’m sooo proud of myself because for me that is a huge accomplishment.
Marcy,
Congrats to you on a whole year of NC. That is a strong position to be in. Takes guts and huge determination to maintain that stance.
There’s a common denominator amongst us LFers. We were all duped. No one will call you or judge you here. Good for you. Hope life gets better for you and your loved ones.
One more spath kicked to the kerb.
A most satisfactory outcome.
Linda,
This is such an important topic, thanks for bringing it up.
I think that this is more than a topic actually, it’s a red flag.
The spaths do take our lives. Sometimes with death, sometimes they just steal our lives a minute at a time.
After the exspath, I was targeted by a female spath who pretended to be my friend. What I noticed immediately was her desire to take up all my time. It’s like spaths know what is most valuable: time. Time is all we really have.
She was not the only time stealing spath I’ve encountered. They all do the same things, using the pity ploy, charm and rage to keep your attention focused on them. It is pretty obvious but still, I can’t help giving them rope so I can watch the fiasco. It’s like watching a car-wreck in slow motion and I’ve taken note of how they do it.
Some will ask for your help doing what they could do themselves. Others spend your time just talking about themselves endlessly but as soon as you change the topic to something that makes you happy, they have to leave. Spaths also like to “pick your brain” for information (as my spath used to say). Once you’ve told them all you know, they don’t need you anymore, they are ready to wear your skin.
It’s hard not to get taken in at first because they love bomb you every time you try to escape their time wasting clutches. I think the best defense is to make them think you are benefiting from their time wasting antics. They lose interest very quickly.
Dear MarcyII,
Congratulations on a year of no contact. BTW it is not too late to go see your state, or to get to know your grandkids. Spend time with them NOW…don’t wait another day!
Today a friend came and booted me in the butt and got me to take a short road trip with her to look at the town I lived in before I moved to the farm…it has grown amazingly since we left there in 1994…and we stopped for some ice cream at a new ice cream parlor there and then hit the flea markets where I blew $40 on odds and ends and books…had a great day! Just four hours out of the house but lots of fun and got to see places I used to live and how they had changed.
Life can be good even if we did lose some time that was stolen from us.
You’ve conquored the biggest hurdle, going NC so get out there and LIVE. the best revenge is a good life! Again, congratulations on your 1 year “sobriety” (((hugs))))
Linda, thank you for this article. For me, it was a reminder to stay real about the story of my life. There are parts of it that were difficult and painful, but it is my story. Or as my sister puts it, “it’s a life.” My life.
And maybe I should add, that I’m gradually working through the things that made me ashamed, including the feelings of being stupid and self-destructive at times. And understanding that I always had my reasons at the time. Even though I later came to understand that the reasons themselves were built on even older faults in my beliefs, based on unresolved old traumas.
I like the concept of “stealing time” with regard to sociopathic relationships. I think that no matter how smart and how successfully self-caring and self-protective we become, the experience of begin targeted by a sociopath is going to force us to pay attention, interrupt whatever else we’re doing, and focus on dealing with it. It’s an irritation and a distraction. But from my perspective, it’s also like stopping whatever else I’m doing to deal with the threat of an oncoming hurricane or blizzard, or even stopping my life to take care of myself if I catch the flu. Kind of the housekeeping of life.
If we are not so good at taking care of ourselves, it is going to take even more time, and emotional energy, and maybe money lost or damage to our children or other enduring losses. Dealing with the emotional pain while it is going on, and then sorting ourselves out emotionally after we tear ourselves out of enmeshment with them is hard. And time-consuming.
When I think today of how “stuck” I became in a miserable and confused mindset, and for how long, I am always stunned. No matter what else I lost, I literally lost 10 years of anything like equanimity or peace with myself. I see the “evidence” in memories of just sitting and staring, the endless little illnesses, the going over and over the facts to try to understand what happened, the social fears, and on and on.
In the end, it all turned out to be a good thing. This, for me, was a learning experience that was so intense and time-consuming, because I had big and deeply embedded issues, caused by unresolved childhood trauma. I had used my wonderful mind and strength of character to twist myself in believing that the traumas weren’t important and I could just bury and ignore them.
I believe this man would never have been attracted to me, and I would never have allowed him into my life, if I hadn’t been so successfully in denial about the damage I was carrying. (In fact, virtually all the women in his life are incest survivors, a group notoriously bad at maintaining healthy boundaries and self-esteem.)
So, in my story as I tell it to myself, he was just the last and biggest opportunity was was sent to help me figure out that I needed to revisit my childhood coping mechanisms. That I needed to grow up in ways that I never could, because I’d buried my history and tried to be a person “it never happened to.” (Can you imagine how false and ungrounded that life was?)
And he was the final opportunity, because by the time that relationship was over, I was suicidal and sick and so distraught that I couldn’t even look anyone else in the eye, because I didn’t want anyone to be able to see how broken I was.
I made a decision to live, and to figure out what was wrong with me. And over a period of years, I did that. And I got more well and more grounded than I’ve ever been in my life. So, in the end, I don’t really think that the time was stolen. (But this is my perspective now, seven years after the end of that relationship. And after a LOT of work on myself.) But if I really wanted to think about stolen time, and lay some blame somewhere, I think that my life story would put it on my parents. Or maybe on their parents, who left them with unresolved damage. And I could throw some blame on larger cultural and economic issues.
I’m not trying to be cute here, by dispersing blame so broadly. But maybe make the point that, for me at least, the decision to get well — to stop this transmission of damage from person to person, to swap thinking about myself as victim for a new kind of thinking about myself as learning and creative person who “did something” with the circumstances I was handed — was more important that who did what to me.
I sometimes think that God put me in that family and handed me those challenges, because I had the capacity to transform them into something else. And that the transformation wasn’t just for me. It also puts me in a kind of army of people who fight the soulless elements in the culture that wound and destroy people. By getting well, I become a kind of activist, even if I only do it by giving witness to the fact that we can get well. Because this is what I believe, that any one of us can grow through our traumas, and become stronger, wiser, more creative and compassionate, more effective at changing the world by changing our own lives.
The downside, if there is one, of all this is that I understand more now about how brutality wounds people, and how much energy and time it takes to heal. This is the true stolen time. When I look back at the lives of the children in my family, and how all of us have struggled, I can hardly bear it. I have to work hard at not getting caught up in anger, or at least, redirecting it to something useful, like political action or local volunteer work. I’m only one person, but I can do my small bit to effect change. I know the small things in my life that made a difference, and it keeps me motivated.
Finally, and as usual, I apologize for this long post, I want to add something more about managing my feelings. A long time ago, I realized that my emotional state actually influenced what I attracted into my life. Or maybe how I recognized it and handled it.
If I was angry and resentful, there were more things to trigger anger, and I was prone to blaming and criticism, and my ability to feel compassion or even connection was compromised. If I felt like a victim, the world was full of threats and I was constantly running away or fighting. Everyone knows how amazing we feel when we’re in love, and the world looks so beautiful and everything seems to conspire to support our elation. But I had also found that there was a similar state, a kind of willing openness to feeling connected and trusting that things were working out as they should, that also brought me into situations and relationships that gave me gifts and allowed me to express myself in ways I felt good about.
I lost all these perspectives in the sociopathic relationship. Maybe remembering them vaguely helped me keep moving through the recovery, and believing in the possibility of getting well. I remember thinking that, even though I had lost so much, people who had been born blind or deaf, or had lost limbs in war, or who had survived other experiences that left them without some important piece of who they were before, got through the grieving process and built happy and productive lives. My own grieving skills had never really progressed beyond denial, so I didn’t know how they did it. But I knew some of these people, and they were amazing people that seemed to much more “advanced” than me in ways I didn’t understand.
Somewhere along the way in my grieving process over this relationship, I decided I was tired of being mad all the time and took a forgiveness class. Which was really about deciding how much energy I was going to give the memories, not about saying anything was okay or restarting the relationship with the person who hurt me. I was long out of denial, probably two or three years into the recovery process, and I was tired of being in the “angry phase.” I wanted to get on to the more positive and satisfying work of rebuilding myself and my life.
Now, I’m revisiting those skills of redirecting my thinking and emotions to be and experience the life I want. I think this is late-recovery work, and I’m not writing this to suggest that anyone should shortcut the important steps of anger, blaming and building better defenses. But now, increasingly I am interested in finding joy in myself and my life, living with compassion and generosity, and being optimistically trusting in a very large sense. I have the idea that eventually things work out well in my life.
It doesn’t mean that I stop taking care of myself if I feel like my health or safety is threatened. But I want those events to be less important than my ongoing pursuit of what is meaningful, beautiful and good. And so, when the old habits and patterns of resentment, fear, blaming, etc. pop up, I look at them and see where they’re coming from, if it’s really that important or if I’m just doing a little PSTD. And then I make a choice about what I’m going to do, and how I’d like to feel about it. And, generally, if I approach things with compassion and respect, and an expectation that I’m going to learn or experience something new and interesting, I find that things do work out.
In particular, I find that threatening situations work out in way that I probably could not have engineered, if I tried. It’s kind of magical. And again, it’s not that l turn off my self-defensive skills. They’re always there, if I need them. But if I’m inclined to love the world as I love myself, I’m simply contributing a different energy to the circumstances around me. I don’t mean that I’ve turned into an angel. I still have pops of PSTD and I sometimes have to completely withdraw to give myself a chance to calm down. But my intentions toward myself, the desires I have for my life, emit from me, just as my anger and shame did before. And it changes things.
So this was a very, very long post. You can see I’m working on myself again, after maybe a long time of cruising on the work I did before. It’s never over. But it keeps getting better.
Linda, great article-right on target! I am struggling right now with a lot of anger-for my N that I couldn’t get over, and the N parents who just raised me totally wrong and manipulated and controlled me into adulthood.
I feel like I have missed out and wasted time and lost time over the constant supply of Ns in my life. I wish I knew what my parents were when I was young and had the tools to empower myself to live my life for me. I wish I had been brave enough at age 18 to flat out defy them and live my life for me and do what I wanted. I have a lot of bitterness over the fact that I haven’t lived my life the way I wanted. I can’t EVER get that time back.
Then I wasted a year on this N thing here and I kept falling for the pity ploy and being unable to see what other people were seeing about her. Then we had the big fight that changed everything and that’s what hit me like a brick wall. That is what made me go as much NC as I can and the whole gray rock thing to. I’m wise to her game now-what she will do to try to lure me back in, and she does try.
I am so disappointed with myself because I was using vices to deal with the highs and lows I was having and the pushing/pulling on me. I stopped and started smoking more times than I can count. I finally added up the amount of money I spent on smoking and other vices in the last 8 months and it was enough to buy every single piece of police equipment and uniforms for my new career-what a big freakin waste, and I came to the realization recently that she was using “the amount of smoking I was doing” to gauge how much she was upsetting me.
It’s not too late now. I put them down and all that money I was wasting each month is going into savings and by the time I apply to the police, I will have all that money that I need. I’m trying to deal with the anger by making up for lost time and it’s not to late to live. I’m in a weight loss competition at work. We are competing in teams like the biggest loser but also for individual titles, and I want to be the woman who has lost the most weight. I started exercising again, even before putting the cigarettes down and I keep looking for new exercises or workouts to do to help me reach my goals faster. There is a chance that I could possibly be at my goal weight by the end of the year or sometime during January. I am enjoying my volunteer work and my pets and trying to stay positive. I had to post because today was one of my negative days. I’ve been feeling bad physically today and I am staying home from work tonight.
Thank you, all of you. I love that you feel that you can relate to what I wrote and am so glad that it helps.
I can relate to what each of you are saying, as well. I think it is ok to have good days and bad days. I do believe that each of us will always carry pieces of this with us….forever. However, as we are finding, that is not always bad, even if it’s not always easy.
And, we are all still works in progress, but not just because of this. If we did not continue to evolve, then we would be like them.
I went so much “alone,” even when I wasn’t alone, as it relates to this topic. There is no “we” with these folks. I did miss out on important life events. At the same time, we won the lottery too.
Whenever I watch others struggle with those around them, who have these personality traits, I live a little stronger knowing that I get it. That’s not to say that we can avoid all interactions with people like this, but we can interact a little smarter. All thanks to what we learned from our disordered parent, sibling, husband, wife, friend, co-worker, etc.
MarcyII, in some ways, they can rob us of “the best years.” But as long as we are breathing, we can show ourselves (and whoever else) what we’re made of!
Kathleen, I think you are right when you say that we become activists. Many of us get pretty passionate about our encounters. Another thing “they” never thought they’d see. But what is so cool about the process is that even though we may start out passionate about the cause because we were wronged, we continue because it is right. It’s not about “them” anymore.
Elizabeth, go and become a police officer, girl!! I am sure you will be amazing. What you lived, will guide you. It will give you insight many others will never have. Or if they do, it takes years. It’s never too late. And…find an agency that will buy your stuff (unless, perhaps, that is a thing of the past. I don’t know.) And remeber, that process may take a long time. Don’t get discouraged. It’s like that.
Also, sometimes, we do need to check out and take a break. That is soooo ok! We just have to remind ourselves, to do what we do for us and those who love us. Anyone who gauges their “success” on the degree to which we fail is not ok and not worth our time. Unfortunately, that is the bulk of these individuals. I completely get that knowing that is one thing and accepting that is another. That, too, is a process. Trust me…it took me a LONG time even after I had the whole thing figured out.
Just keep going. Keep writing. Embrace the good and bad, because there will always be both. We can inspire each other!! L 🙂