By | April 10, 2012 39 Comments

Stress eats holes in your brain

Dealing with a sociopath means stress. Somehow, we have to find ways to reduce it. Here’s why:

Yet another reason to reduce stress: It shrinks your brain, on

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This article states, “Generally, stress is considered to come from a feeling of having no control.”

Doesn’t that pretty much sum up being near a P? Not knowing what is going on or what will happen next? Of course, ignorance can be bliss. I guess you’d need to know that something COULD happen.

LF readers have two excellent solutions to reducing stress – gray rock and no contact.

I wonder if the inverse is true? Certainly, Ps must feel that they have quite a bit of control because they are master puppeteers, manipulators, and controllers. They must feel quite serene.

No wonder they get away with so much when they start yoga scams. LOL

I’ve never noted much stress coming off the Ps in my life. I’ve seen anger and tension when they are confronted or aren’t getting their own way, but it isn’t the type of stress of feeling that you’re not in control. That kind of stress I equate with a victim, i.e., you have no idea what is going to hit you next and you’re scared to death because of your vulnerability. How vulnerable do omnipotent Ps feel?

Is this situational, delusional, realistic, or something else? Believing how much control you have?

Is it knowing what sort of things you do have control over, like calming yourself through meditation, walking, soothing music, or no contact versus things you have no control over, like the world economy going down the tubes?

One final thing – after going through all the stress that we do from Ps, I bet our brains look like Swiss cheese.

Ox Drover

G1S, Holmes and Rahe were two earlier researchers of stress. They realized that people who are stressed tend to get sick or have accidents more than people who aren’t under stress.

They developed a “scale” for various life events and saw that people with a score of 300 over a 3 year period were more likely to get sick or have a serious accident….you can google their scale.

At one point I had over 1,500 points in less than a 3 year period. It takes TIME of calm for the stress effects to decrease.

CHANGE is stress, even good change (like winning the lotto) so stress is not only “negative” events.

I have also read some books on the chemistry and anatomy of the brain and how it does CHANGE in response to the various events (stressful and non stressful) and how new connections are formed and old ones withered. The brain is not the static organ that it was first thought to be.

Lack of control is one difficult stressor but also things happening “randomly” so that you are always on hyper alert never knowing when “the other shoe will drop”

That first part of the article describes totally the feeling I had after the aircraft crash that killed my husband.

“”For a year, I couldn’t think,” says Chapman, founder and chief director of the Center for BrainHealth at the University of Texas at Dallas. “I couldn’t write a coherent word. I couldn’t do anything.”

“When patients come in, we commonly see concentration problems, the inability to make decisions,”

– so many think they have dementia or Alzheimer’s — to having their memory totally back to normal. It’s fantastic, absolutely.”

It has been almost 8 years (in july) since the crash and my brain is NOT “back to normal”—I am different, there are word-finding difficulties still, and other deficits in function.

I had to retire as I was no longer able to perform my job which was critical enough that people’s lives depended on my memory and even some short term memory problems were unacceptable to the job.

Even now, I am not as resilient as I once was. My ability to bounce back from a stressful event is not as easy as it once was. My physical health has taken a nose dive and I’ve had four life threatening infections since the crash, as well as not being able to make decisions as well as I could before the crash. Of course this time in my life, this MOST vulnerable time was when the psychopathic group chose to strike. I can’t even imagine that I would have allowed all these things to take place if I had been at the top of my game, able to make decisions that made sense. Instead I was emotionally and mentally fragile and physically ill at the time I call “the summer of chaos” in 2007 when I had to flee my home and hide out.

I think if I had not found Love Fraud at that time I wouldn’t have made it through that summer alive, I would have died from the infections I had and didn’t even realize I was critically ill for over two months before I finally went to a physician.

People around us may think we are “crazy” for some of the “strange” or illogical things we may do, and I have no doubt that I appeared crazy to others because we have trouble setting priorities that make sense to others.

It seems to me that my psychopathic son Patrick THINKS he has control when in fact, he has NO control…he is in prison for God’s sake, but he doesn’t see it that way, he feels like he is in control because he can put “one over on” some stupid guard or another convict, and he doesn’t “count” the fact that he is behind bars. He sees himself as a BIG SUCCESS when in fact, he is nothing but another low-life convict that wasn’t even a successful crook, because he got caught almost every time he broke the law.


I know the test that you’re talking about.

I started to take it after being attacked by my S mother and P sister.

I gave up because I had checked off so much I thought, “OK. It appears I died a couple of years ago.” Decided to just take things as they come, although I have been silently worried and watching to see if anything comes up with my son.

I don’t feel that I am back to being 100% after what we went through. It’s like there is a part of my brain that is always watching, waiting, on alert, worried, what could I have done to have prevented this, if only I had… It takes away from being able to concentrate.

Speaking of appearing crazy, I volunteered to adopt two cats that somebody posted on our local Craigslist two days ago. I recognized her name when she emailed me and told her that I used to be one of the legal secretaries at the law firm her father used. She was supposed to call me last night to discussing picking them up.

Haven’t heard a word from her since. No call. I even emailed her this morning asking if she was still looking for homes.

Don’t know what happened. Maybe she changed her mind, maybe she found another home for them, and I’m working real hard at not assuming that she heard something negative about me. It could be that something came up or she has been super busy, but that’s my PTSD kicking in. I assume the worst and my stress level goes up.

Your son sounds like how my P sister thinks. She ignores the obvious and finds something to spin so she comes out looking like she is the one in control and on top of everybody else.

Hyper alert = hypervigilant. I believe that is the mental health term. Can relate real well to that one, too. The difference between being hypervigilant and being paranoid is that with paranoia, there is no basis for the fear. Being hypervigilant, you’ve got reason to fear and be on alert.


I’ve been waiting for someone to post to this topic.

This certainly explains a lot !!! – like how I couldn’t remember where the service station was that I’ve used dozens of times before.

From now on, it’s “I can’t help it, I have holes in my brain.”

You can adopt my cat G1S, as soon as I remember where I put her. lol

Ox Drover


Yes, hyper-vigilant is the term. It is that “waiting for the other shoe to drop”—I didn’t know what that meant until I lived in a down stairs apartment and when the guy above me took off his shoes, there was a THUD, then in a minute there would be another THUD…of course the “wait” between the two thuds varied in time…but it always came.

I have seen my son C so hyper-vigilant that if I yelled at the cat, he would come out of his room from a DEAD SLEEP into attack mode. Like a cat that was cornered by a dog, every hair standing errect.

I’ve been there myself, any unexpected noise would make me go into ALERT DEFENSIVE MODE…I still live cautiously, but not in TERROR like I did. I live at the end of a lane that is deep in a wooded area so if someone comes into my drive they are either looking for me, or they are lost, or they are up to no good. I don’t meet strangers at the door any more with a smile, I always have a defensive weapon in hand and I never let a stranger get close enough to grab me.

There’s an old saying “just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t out to get you” LOL

As for the woman and the cats, maybe she was ashamed of what her father needed an attorney for and thought you knew some dirt on him….I wouldn’t let it bother me, though, the thing is, what is this woman in the scheme of your life? My egg donor was always concerned with “what would the neighbors think?” and you know, now I could give a rat’s behind what the neighbors think….in actual fact, most of them DON’T think much about me. they may gossip about me some, but I could care less what they think or say. They don’t pay my bills, and they don’t keep a roof over my head so I no longer care what they think or say.

I lived a good life in this community, an honest life, but when the chips were down none of them came to my rescue. None of them said “I’m sorry you were treated this way” and none of them came to me and said “You were RIGHT, the Trojan Horse was a pervert, a criminal, and deserves to be in prison”

Everyone was just like “let’s pretend none of this happened” I’m not sure why…embarrassment? didn’t know what to say? Didn’t care one way or the other?

Why doesn’t matter really, I realized that these people are not the caring compassionate people I thought they were. They really don’t care about me one way or the other.

Yea, Patrick ignores the failures completely when he is keeping score, and he credits only the “wins” and apparently the NUMBER of wins is always a positive score and the VALUE of the losses versus the “value” of the wins is never taken into account. Like a +1 is smuggled in an extra pair of socks past the guard = a score of +1, getting arrested for murder isn’t his fault, if that arsehole detective hadn’t recorded his jail house calls to the guy asking him to move the body, her body never would have been found, so the score is still +1 and he has one more pair of socks than the rules allow so he is a BIG success. LOL ROTFLMAO


Swiss cheese for brains, MiLo. 😉

Never heard that expression before, Oxy, “Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t out to get you.” I like it!

As for the cat lady, her father was a business man. The law firm handled a lot of his business transactions. He wasn’t in trouble. He was very highly regarded in the town. He was asked to be the town’s 4th of July parade marshall one year, a huge honor considering the parade is the largest in the country.

The cat thing probably worked out for the best. One of my babies is hyperstressed over the new addition. He has twitchy-back, rippling-back cat syndrome a.k.a. Feline Hyperesthesia.

His back ripples and goes into spasms. He is definitely stress-related, but we have no idea what he is so stressed about. He’s knocked over a few lamps and broken things. One time, he was at the foot of my bed when I was sleeping. He sunk his claws so deeply into my calf that I had scars for three weeks. That hurt, but my poor baby.

He sleeps with our new cat and even washes her face. He flips out” about once per day where he looks like he’s spinning in every direction possible, sort of like a self-contained, spinning globe. It isn’t epilepsy or something like that.

We feel so badly for him. They could put him on tranquilizers, but since he goes outside and there are coyotes, I’d rather he not be sedated to any degree.

So, maybe I shouldn’t be adding two new cats to the household.

Oxy, maybe your neighbors didn’t want to get involved because it would have demanded a lot of their time, at least in their minds. More than they were willing to invest, let’s put it that way. I’ve noticed that, too. People suddenly have something else to do and they disappear.

Ox Drover

I had a cat that acted squirrely like that and it was a neurological injury from some cropland poison that he got sprayed with (neighbor). My vet gave me something (can’t remember what it was 35 years ago) that seemed to help him.

I just went outside and found that my “Mouse” cat (that’s her name) just had her babies. I have a general idea where they are but will leave them alone for now. This is her first litter. I’ll check on the kittens tomorrow and hope she doesn’t move and hide them from me so that they are wild and have to be caught in a live trap. My inside cat’s mother was feral because her very tame mother hid her out until she was 8-10 weeks old and she never really tamed down. She finally got to where she would let you touch her while she ate but that was about all. She was a good provider for her kittens and taught them to hunt. While I was in hiding, she stayed here and supported herself by hunting. There was no way I could have taken her with me since she was semi feral herself.

Back to the neighbors, these people are distant relatives who have known me since I was born, and our families have had close association for generations….but everyone is busy, has their own lives, and really can’t be bothered with the lives of others, is what it amounts to I think. But whatever it is, I think it is more apathy than anything else. I guess i am as guilty of that as anyone, just keeping my nose back here in the woods and out of other people’s business.


No bobbing baby kitty tails, Oxy. Promise?

Ox Drover

G1S I already promised you, G1S, no bobbed tails.

Son D just went out and checked there are 6 kitties, 3 white and 3 all black…one of the white ones however didn’t make it, so we ended up with 3 all black kitties and 2 all white kitties, and all have the extra toes on all 4 feet.

Today was Friday the 13th, can you believe it? January 13th, Friday was the day I dropped the tool box on my Achilles tendon and smashed it…then Wednesday of this week, just as that ankle was almost well, I slipped on the wet grass and sprained it (at least) may have broken it…still not sure, it’s swollen, black and blue, but have an ortho appt next Tuesday…and on top of everything, my Jack russell terrier disappeared on Wednesday. We’ve combed the woods and called and been to the neighbors but no sign of him, so at best I can hope some of the oil field trash picked him up for a squirrel dog, maybe when they find out he won’t bark on a tree they’ll drop him back. It’s been kind of a bleak week for us.


I’m sorry you’re having a hard week! 🙁

I hope you feel better and your dog comes back. Try to lay low for the rest of the day. No use tempting fate!


Oh gosh Oxy ~ So sorry to hear about your ankle and your lost dog. I hope it turns out to be a sprain and not a break. Next time the 13th is on a Friday, maybe you should consider staying in bed for the day.

Could you check with the local animal control people to see if anyone has turned in a jack russell? It is so hard not knowing what has happened. I’m so sorry.


Sorry, Oxy 🙁 What a horrible week. I hope you find your dog and I hope your ankle isn’t broken! 🙁


Good Lawdy Oxy,
Please stay seated!

Friday the 13th is my lucky day! It is my brother’s birthday that past away in 09. He was born April 13.

I’m so sorry you have suffered this day! You are a strong person Oxy. You will prevail. This shit is nothing compared to what you’ve been thru. Love ya!

Ox Drover

Thanks guys!

Milo, our “animal control” in this area is a deputy with a rifle that shoots strays that are aggressive if the person who complains isn’t willing or able to “control” them….we have a volunteer shelter in the county seat but not likely he would be there it is 30 miles away.

I have one neighbor that shoots any dog he sees crossing his land, even if they are not hurting anything (like the Jack Russell could or would) but I won’t go over there and knock on that door. That is the same guy that sued me because the plane my husband was in “trespassed” on his land to crash and he needed $50K to make him feel better about it he was so upset. (he didn’t get a cent)

Yea, I never put any “stock” in Friday the 13th, but from now on I will lay low the entire WEEK. LOL This little dog was one I took because his original mom who had been married to a psychopath and had 2 psychopathic sons, was having to run for her life because her Ex was getting out of prison and was determined to come back to her. He was a buddy of Patrick’s. she was disabled and had a total income of less than $600 a month and couldn’t even afford to feed the poor dog, and so I took him right at the time I had to ‘run” and hide. He laid by my side every night while I cried myself to sleep, or nested up against my leg while I cried and typed on to LF….I’d said I never would have another dog in the house, much less sleeping with me, but you should never name the well from which you will not drink!

That summer I lost two of my dogs and my 32 year old horse in addition to everything else that happened. Seems like it never rains, but pours. But you know, the sadness over something like this is “normal” every day “life.” It isn’t like there is someone gloating over my sadness…or that tried to make me sad and said “oh, I know what I’ll do to make Joyce sad” This is just normal every day things that happens. If you love something or someone you can’t always keep it forever. There comes a time that your paths diverge, but you can keep the memories and come to acceptance of the loss, but enjoy the memories.

What’s the old saying “better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.” There never will be a person who loves us like our dogs do…or thinks we are as wonderful. Dogs have masters, cats have staff.


Hey Milo,
good to “see” you again.
I guess you were on your road trip?
How did it go?

There have been a couple of times I’ve been wanting to share a link with you, in the last few days but then I realized you were gone.

I’ll see if I can find them again. It was about autism.


Oxy, sorry you had such a shitty week. I’m sorry you lost your dog. I hope he’ll still turn up. The loss of a ‘comrade’ who helped you through hard times and shared your life is harsh, but not knowing feels worse.

The way you described your neighbour who sued for the plane crashing on his property and shooting dogs… my grandfather’s neighbour was a horrid selfish guy who kept rabbits, and placed out straps in his garden. Our cat normally stayed at our grandparents when we were on holiday for three weeks. And one summer he got caught in a trap, and went missing for several days. Luckily he managed to escape the trap without the loss of his leg. But we never let our cat stay there anymore. As for the neighbour, he stubbornly went on his roof during a big storm and died accidentally. Nobody else of the neighbours felt sorry for that.

Ox Drover

Thanks Darwin’smom, Bud wasn’t bad to stray off the farm, he was a house dog but we let him out to go to the bathroom in the mornings and outside with us during the day. Son D was ill on Wednesday and I had hurt my leg and hadn’t slept well the night before so I took a nap on Wednesday afternoon and slept til 1:30 a.m. when I got up and saw that only one of the dogs was inside where they usually sleep, but went back to bed and slept til 10:00 the next morning and got up to realize he was not in the house, or outside either.

We have a county full of “oil field trash” that are not local folks, but have come here to work and have no roots in the community. I’ve had people try to buy Bud from me before as a squirrel dog, though actually he would not make a good squirrel dog, he is the breed to be…he won’t bark on a tree, though he chases the squirrels up the tree. So it is possible someone saw him at the edge of the pasture and he would jump in the truck with anyone. I didn’t find him on the road dead or laying anywhere around the farm, but it is also possible he got snake bitten and crawled off somewhere to die. We killed a large cotton mouth the other day. Not knowing what happened to him is the toughest part. And self blame for going to sleep and leaving him outside as well.

We lost him once before when he had not yet been neutered, but he doesn’t chase females any more, and was really good to stay around the house, barn or hangar, or in the edge of the field. Our other house dog seems like she wants to tell us where he is but doesn’t know how to. She isn’t eating and is very lethargic. Our other outside dogs are always kenneled unless we have them in our eye sight because we know they will roam if not watched. (they are hunting dogs and will take off after a deer or coon so can’t be trusted unsupervised)

Yea, it has been a carpy week all together. But this too shall pass, so will just do what I have to do to get through it all. Thanks for the kind thoughts. ((hugs)))



Just so we’re clear, you lost your dog and sprained you ankle on Wednesday the 11th, not Friday the 13th. There is nothing magical about things happening on Friday the 13th.

Started wabbling a little when reading about your dog because it reminded me of our beloved, late Siberian husky.

They’re the worst watch dogs in the world. They think everybody who visits is there to see them and to make matters worse, let them off their leashes and they bolt. Those dogs have to run. We were always running after him.

We live maybe 1/4 mile away from a pond. During the summer, people come there all the time to fish. It’s a lovely place. Nicely wooded, quiet, with a peaceful road.

One day, the dog took off and we couldn’t find him anywhere. We ended up reporting it to the police station because there is a very stiff fine if they find your dog and you don’t know it got loose. (A curse of living in suburbia.)

We were walking back into the house when the phone rang. It was the police. Right after we left, somebody from the town next to us showed up at the police station with a Siberian dog in the back of their SUV. They were fishing at the pond, the car doors were opened, and guess who jumped in and took a seat eager for a ride?

They love him. They took him home, but decided he was too tame and in too good a condition not to be somebody’s pet. Somebody would miss him and was probably already conducting a search. They took him to our police station because the dog jumped into their car in our town.

I hope you find your dog. If I lived near you, I’d take two kittens, probably one black and one white. I know you promised about not bobbing their tails, but I am such a cat lover. I have to make sure the babies are OK.

We’ve had a few cats leave the house and never return. I know that we have coyotes and I’ve assumed the worst EXCEPT one day, one of our long-lost cats showed up in our backyard. I called her name and she came right in and went straight to the food dish. She had been gone for years. She didn’t stay, but it most definitely was her and she was very alive.

Also, next to the pond, there is another street where people live. Somebody made a complaint that a woman was hoarding cats. They found 15 or 17 cats in her house, all in good health, the home was fine, and the papers that the police did look at were up to date for shots. However…I have to wonder if any of the 15 or 17 cats belong to me.

So, we fear the worst, but it doesn’t always happen.

Ox Drover

G1S I really don’t “believe” in Friday the 13ths being “jinxed” but it sure seems to be this year! Jan 13th was when I hurt my ankle the first time, and the week of Friday the 13th this time I hurt it again and we lost the dog!

I hope he comes home but I doubt it…I’ve checked all the neighbors except crazy Bob’s and run all the ditches and haven’t found him hurt or dead…so will keep up hope, but not counting on anything.

Yea, the kitties are cute with their extra toes…I was surprised that they were not spotted…I imagine (but don’t know for sure) that the daddy is the black and white tom that lived here for a while and then moved on but is seen around from time to time. The mom is gray (thus the name “Mouse”) but her litter sister “Cat” is multicolored and spotted. When they were little I was afraid to turn them loose in the barn because I was afraid they would wander off so I took an old chest freezer, took the lid off and put a screen door on the top of it. Put a “house” made out of a card board box in it, and a tree limb for them to climb on, and a litter pan and it was the “cat house” we would stand and watch them play for hours they were so cute! When they got big enough that I thought they’d be okay to let out we took them out and turned them loose in the barn. It is a perfect kittie play ground. They are so acrobatic and climb in the rafters of the barn, they like it up high on the second story. Amazes me how they can walk on thin rails.


Aren’t the chances of something bad happening in the week containing the 13th one in four? There are only four weeks in a month. No matter.

I have a black and white cat whose markings look like a cow’s so she was already named Moo when we inherited her.

The cat house sounds cute. I’m sure they were very contented.

Did you ever see the program about a couple in California, both artists, who turned their whole house into a cat playground? There are ramps and perches all over the place and they cut holes in the walls so the catwalks could go through them.

Ox Drover

G1S, the chances of something “bad” happening on the 13th are the same as on the 12th or the 9th or any other day…LOL 🙂 or Tuesday or Monday.


Hi Sky ~ I’ve been back from the road trip for awhile now. Just have been under attack from the spathy daughter to a point that I couldn’t put two sentences together to post. I was hangng on to the gray rock so hard my fingernails were worn down to nothing. BUT, I did it, I didn’t let go. With encouragement from a friend, I did it. I know it works, I know she will eventually tire of me again, but for now she is pulling out all the stops and triggering me with everything she has, in a cocky, in my face, double dare sort of way. She has left me alone for a couple of days and I already feel stronger and my power is seeping back. Are you sure I can’t hit her in the head with the gray rock? I so want to!!! See, even my humor is coming back.

OXY ~ I hope your ankle is feeling some better today. I am praying your little dog will find his way home. Thoughts are with you today my friend.

Ox Drover

Thanks, Milo. I got a good night’s sleep last night thanks to better pharmacology (DRUGS!!!!) and took a nap this morning to try to catch up on some rest which I sorely needed after the emotional melt down over my dog, to say nothing of the pain from the ankle.

I went out and cut all the iris blooms in the yard and brought them in to put in vases and some other flowers, to cheer me up. We have a storm moving in so the day has been dark then sunny then dark again off and on, actually very beautiful back here in my hole in the woods. The trees are so LUSH and enclosing that there’s not even a HINT of seeing through them, we call it “the GREEN CURTAIN” when it encloses us in the spring. When the winter comes we can see through the trees to the next hill but not when the curtain closes.

It is comforting when the curtain closes and I feel secure back here…even though the back 40 is nearly clear cut by the natural gas pipe lines, I can’t SEE it from my house. Of course everything is LUSH and shiny green with a thousand shades of green on the leaves in the sun and dappled shade. The wild flower garden outside my window has blooming spiderworts that look like tiny blue orchids. Son D and I went and dug up 6 or 8 more clumps of them off the side of the country road and transplanted them in with the ones we had transplanted from years before.

On some of the threads folks have been talking about living in the NOW…and that’s what I am trying to do. Enjoying the tender beauty of a vase full of Irises that are so delicately colored in yellow and violet shades.

I’m sorry that the witchy daughter is giving you grief.Just reach out and grab a piece of the floor and hang on, no matter how much it bucks and twists. This too shall pass. (((hugs)))


Wow, this explains so much. My dad (and my ex) were both sociopaths. My dad put my mom through so much, he used to hit her and rip her clothes and mess up her hair before she had to leave for work. He kept his paycheck and she worked and supported all 5 kids mostly on her own. When she developed altzheimer’s I found out he was hitting her. She has such severe altzheimer’s at 76 that I always thought the stress of living with my dad caused it. He died in November. My ex, who was an addict and a sociopath, committed suicide a month ago. He tried to call me right before he did it but had always threatened to call and make me listen if he killed himself. I think God prevented me from hearing the phone. It’s been stressful getting my daughters through this and there was the guilt to work through at not hearing the phone, but I actually feel free for the first time in my life. I know that sounds bad, but both sociopaths who had impacted my life are gone. My ex never stopped trying to scam me and making me feel sorry for him and hitting me up for money. He ignored restraining orders, I had to put a no trespass order against him at my worksite, but he was still always calling with a sob story and I did feel bad for him. Once he started using crack, he lost control, but that was his choice. He had been in one of the best rehabs in the country and knew what he needed to do to get better. He choose to hang out with addicts instead of going to live in a sober house. Oh well, I am now exercising, going out with friends and have made a better life for myself. Now that he is gone, I am not feeling so guilty that my life is better while he kept sinking. I also seem to think clearer. Thanks for listening.


Dear cathyann,

I am so happy for you that both spaths are out of your life. I believe you posted before that Gd prevented you from hearing the phone, saving you from witnessing yr ex-sp’s final act. I agree, Gd intervened and saved you.

I’m just so happy for you that both spaths are gone forever. So, even though you may feel sadness, grief and loss, it sounds like you are feeling huge RELIEF!! 🙂 Free at last!!

I too have had spaths die, but, unfortunately, I let them live in my head. I hope you don’t experience that, but if you do, just work thru it. You truly are free from them. YAY!!!!!


I wasn’t trying to say that I’m glad my ex committee suicide, but the stress of him constantly calling me at work and telling me that he was hungry and needed cigarettes and hitting me up for money and causing me to worry about him and feel guilty about how is life was is gone. I tried for 33 years to help him, but he didn’t want to him himself. The guy he had lived with before getting his own place about a month before he killed himself said that my ex was never without food, that he wanted his own place because the other guy didn’t want him to have people in his house when he was at work that might steal from him. Just the constant playing on my sympathy 5 years after I left him was making me tired and sick and unable to think clearly. I would have given anything for things to turn out differently, but that wasn’t within my power to change.


I think one day there will be a study that confirms how amazing we are to be able to function so well with brains chewed like swiss cheese……….

I envy a dog’s short term memory of about 3 seconds. With that kind of processing capability, they would be easier to forget…


On we go.


If stress turns our brains into Swiss cheese, is that why we go crackers?


Oh, gracious…..Silver & G1S….LOL

Cathyannjones, I’m going to be brutally honest about myself, here. I would not give a fig if the exspath took his own life. He’s already dead in every way except physiologically. He has no soul. He has no empathy. He has no true, genuine feelings. He has no remorse. He has no shame. He has no boundaries to which he will sink in order to exact as much pain as possible.

Does that make me a “bad person?” I don’t think so. It just makes the exspath hold less value than a spider that I will NOT squish just because I don’t like spiders!


I still feel so much anger towards Jim. I still feel like I would hurt him if I only could. I know this anger only hurts me. It is really hard to deal with. I do find that keeping myself busy is the cure. But, when I get tired and it’s the next day of being tired, that I am alone with my thoughts, that I go back to my anger towards Jim.

Or my neighbor lady mentions that Jim has yet to get his wheelbarrow out of her yard. It just SETS me OFF! She says he told her to make room in her garage. I can’t be happy with the thought that he is her problem and not mine. What is wrong with me?

I gotta point out that my neighbor lady always defends Jim. She makes it out to be my fault.


I was dumped by sociopathic girlfriend 3 months ago.
I feel so bad. I feel heartbroken. She left me cold.
She also threatened me with a restraining order should i contact her again. I am so lost, so jaded, so disilusioned. It was a classic case of “idealize, devalue and discard”. She loved me so much at first, showering me with attention. Then when the money ran out I was devalued as a human being. She referred to me as “fools gold” and called me a “poor porper”. Then at the very end, she took all my offers of good will (restaurant meals, perfume etc) and then dumped me cold. I feel like an abosolute wreck and I have no chance of ever “settling the score” because of the threat of a restraining order. Sometimes you just cant win and its better to cut our losses and just leave this horrible twisted sociopaths to rot in their own diluded world of lies, deception, idiolization, devaluation and discarding others on superficial matters relating to money, sex and power. Assholes – ALL OF THEM.


“fools gold”. I never even thought to call my ex that. It never occurred to me.

I have always cut my losses. Never thought about winning one over.

I did get Jim’s crock pot. But, he did leave it at my house for months before I broke up with him.

To this day he claims he has valuables over here.

To Sebbo_Ricadonna it is hard for a long time. I just kept plugging forward. I thought I would never get over the hurt. I finally got over him.

Even though I still hate. But at least I don’t have those emotions that could tempt me to go back.

Ox Drover


VALUABLE CROCK POT!!!! Maybe he thinks it is the pot at the end of the rainbow, filled with GOLD—yea, FOOL’s GOLD! LOL ROTFLMAO That’s a good one.

So how is it your fault that he left his wheel barrow in her yard? LOL



I have read a lot of articles here about leaving the sociopath.
But what if the sociopath LEAVES you?

Thats my problem at the moment.
Everyone is telling me it is a “blessing” and a “lucky escape”
but not really because i feel in my mind that she has
dumped me cold, without explanation and without feeling.
It is as though she has shot me with a gun point blank in the face, and then threatened me with a restraining order should i seek urgent medical attention. ITs that bad and I dont want to under-estimate my feelings of hurt, rejection and loss.

She has cut me off.
Sure its GREAT to have her out of my life,
but she’s done it on HER terms and that makes me
feel sick. Yes, no contact is good but she’s the one
controlling the strings. Shes the one who is now
telling others that she is “rarer than rare” and even
going to the extent of bad mouthing me saying that
I was the narcissist when clearly SHE was.

I am so gutted by this experience.
I just feel hopeless.


Sebbo…..I type this with the most heartfelt, sincere, and unconditional love: stop it. Just, stop it.

Are you still breathing? Is your body still ingesting food and eliminating waste? Did you wake up this morning and see that your name was NOT in the list of Obituaries? Do you still have a job? Do you still have a roof over your head? Do you still have all of your fingers and toes? If you can answer, “Yes,” to ANY of these questions, then you are NOT “gutted,” nor are you “hopeless,” though you may FEEL that you are.


Brightest healing blessings to you


Crockpot? CROCKPOT? OMIGAWD, all crockpots are priceless and irreplacable! I think I shall now faint. (thud)

kim frederick

Sebbo, It is my opinion that YOU have been NCed. The fact that THIS is what bothers you most, bothers me. It is not a good sign. It speaks to your need to have the last word, and a desire to pull the strings. The best think you can do for yourself, at this point is to accept that you are powerless, and that she has made her decision. I know how hard it is, but you need to respect that, and move on. Work on those things in yourself that attracted this kind of woman, and ask yourself what it was that attracted you to her.

kim frederick

A crock pot. LOL. That’s a metaphor for the WTF bucket, isn’t it? Love it.
Now he doesn’t have a crockpot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of. Ha.



I understand your feelings. It is terrible to be completely cut off without any ability to have closure, or even settle the score. But the truth of the matter is THAT is what malignant narcissists DO. It is the real hard cold truth. There is NOTHING to be done about it.

They go on their merry way, and we are left with all the fallout, humiliation, shame, and feelings of despair. That is also the truth of it.

The only way out of these feelings, it directly THROUGH them. They are now yours to figure out what to do with. SHE has nothing, now, to do with your situation.

Cold, huh? It’s horrible. And lonely. And makes all of us angry as hell when it happens.

You will absolutely have to let go of settling the score, having a meaningful exchange with her, caring what other people think about you (and her), trying to get everyone to see it from your perspective.

You will require support from people who already know what this is all about (like from people here). You will need to understand what was happening for you that made her appear so attractive. You will need to re, and re-read, articles here, until knowledge is MORE important to you than getting even with her. You will need to seek professional attention if you cannot cope with this betrayal on your own, or if you get depressed and cannot keep your life on track.

This is YOUR life Sebbo. Take back your power. Turn your back on her. She used and dumped you. Fuck her.


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