I recently had clinical contact with a client who left me with the unusually strong, immediate impression of “schemer,” “slick,” “full of crap.” He was instantly, aggressively ingratiating—less, I felt, from insecurity, as from ulterior motives, as if he were angling, at the outset, for an edge.
I had the uncomfortable feeling I get around intrusive salesmen who leave you feeling like an “object” from whom to extract a sale and commission.
I should mention that he was glib. Glibness is a trait often associated with certain sociopaths. My client was so glib, as a matter of fact, that for the first time in a long while the word “glib” actually popped into my head.
When I say “glib,” I don’t mean just fast-talking, which he was. He was shallow, too. And for me, the combination of smooth, fast talking, underlain by shallowness, really captures “glib.”
He was something of a schemer, and it was fascinating to observe him deny or dismiss rife evidence of his historical deceptiveness, abusiveness and double-standards. And he did so with a striking lack of shame, and with much audacity, along with irritation (arrogantly conveyed) to have to even deign to respond to the history.
Now I’d like to shift gears (abruptly), and say something about the psychopath’s (or sociopath’s) alleged “look,” or “stare,” which has been described anecdotally in the literature. Its most obvious form is characterized by a certain crazed intensity (note some of the existing photos of Ted Bundy, and other serial killers).
There are also, I suggest, other, subtler forms of this look. In any case what this “look” transmits (in any of its forms) is something elementally predatory. It has an evaluatively predatory quality.
I suspect that many of you have had the experience of being watched in this way?
It’s more than a feeling of being scrutinized, because all of us scrutinize each other, and clients should be scrutinizing their therapists.
It is more, I think, the quality, or motive, of the scrutiny—again, a predatory aspect that engenders the experience of feeling invaded, and “sized up,” “measured” for ulterior purposes.
At bottom, this is a type of “look” that leaves one feeling watched, studied as an “object.” One experiences the “watcher” as if he or she is calculating, “How much can I have my way with this person? How susceptible is this person to my present interests in him or her?”
My client had this “look.”
He was a “watcher,” and as he watched me, I often had the disconcerting sense that he was less interested in what I had to say, or what I was saying, than in using the time I was speaking to further his evaluation of my vulnerability.
This feeling with, experience of someone, can be a signal. It can signal that something predatory is brewing, or occurring.
I’ve called this the “feel” of a sociopath, because sociopaths sometimes (not always) can stir-up this sensation in those whose paths they’ve crossed, or lives they’ve entered. To be sure, not all sociopaths evoke this experience; but some do, and it can be an uncomfortable, and not easily articulated experience. Depending on the circumstances, it can even feel flatteringly seductive (if still uncomfortable).
Take, for instance, a blind/first-date scenario, in which the exploitative-minded individual approvingly, hungrily, invasively and audaciously sizes-up his date, leaving her feeling flattered (hungrily desired) while at the same time uneasy?
This “sizing up,” “measuring” process too often belies not a hunger for love, and connection, but of acquisition, possession and/or conquest.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
hens
dont start until the 1st of march – hey we can party at my house – I have pool – everybody wear a bikini – i will wear a thong – i will make that rainbow cake made out of hugs and smiles – and we will burn pictures of our X’s
Wini
StarG: That kid was so good on the banjo in the movie.
You took me back down memory lane. I think I was in H.S. when that came out.
Peace.
learnthelesson
Stargazer…Do you think there is anyway you can pop in without getting too upset? When you can honestly answer YES – then I think you should DO IT! Until then, they will all understand you are taking a time-out to figure out to deal with this dilemma. They will ALL be there when/if you return. At first I didnt realize all that would be involved, but its alot, to expect of yourself to be able to handle. So I would really take your time and think this through. I also thought you could set up a private chat and invite your closest reptile friends (is that an accurate description) lol… or I will keep brainstorming for you! Not to worry there will be way!
Wini
Henry: I’ll be there with bells on … and blowing soap bubbles.
Peace.
hens
good advice Hardlesson – just imagine if one of our X’s showed up here – oh lord – no don’t just imagine that…
Stargazer
Wini,
I still remember those banjos too. That movie was profoundly disturbing!
Learnthelesson, thanks for your support! That site means a lot to me. I really want to start my own site. For the most part, the sociopath knows better than to post on my threads. I could also put him on “ignore” but I will still see his name. If I don’t read his posts it’s not too bad. But if I happen to catch him lying about stuff (like he usually does) it will take every ounce of restraint not to blast him.
hens
i meant learnthelesson oh my i am going to go eat something
learnthelesson
FAT AND HAIRY! I AM CHOKING ON MY POPCORN FROM LAUGHING SO HARD! OXY WITH A SKILLET! I AM CERTAINLY NEW TO THIS SITE, BUT BOY OH BOY THE VISUALS YOU ALL BRING TO IT! BIKINIS AND THONGS AND RAINBOW CAKES! DID SOMEBODY MENTION A PUPPY DOODLE> I HAVE A 4 mth old Labradoodle! Can he come? He looks and sounds like Chewbacca from star wars when he stretches out!! Does that count> Oh my gosh, just too funny tonight! lmao
Stargazer
Henry, I thought it might happen one time (my ex showing up over here). I made a horrible mistake on new years day. I posted a link to one of my threads to the reptile site on this forum. I just wanted people here to be able to go in and see me and my snakes and cats. GIANT MISTAKE. Next thing I know there was a “linkback” on the reptile site to this one. And everyone on that thread go an email notification. I was mortified!!!! The linkback (link to this site) was also posted at the bottom of my thread over there. I called one of the moderators on new years day and asked him to remove the link. I must have seemed like a desperate loser calling on a holiday over the stupid internet! It took him several hours to get back to me, and those were some of the longest hours of my life! He was not able to delete the linkback, so he had to delete the entire thread. I also called Donna (on new years day) and asked her to delete the link to that site, which I think she did.
Hopefully, no one paid much attention or checked out this site. In my worst nightmares, one of his friends was over hear reading that blog about our sex lives with our exes (remember that one?) and told him. Can you imagine? For all I know he did find out. Oh well, I don’t care any more. As long as he doesn’t post here and try to pretend he’s someone else.
hens
weenydoodles and puppydoodles and labradoodles welcome – even catcadoodles – every body bring your doodles – but Oxy leave fat and hairy in arkansas…