I recently had clinical contact with a client who left me with the unusually strong, immediate impression of “schemer,” “slick,” “full of crap.” He was instantly, aggressively ingratiating—less, I felt, from insecurity, as from ulterior motives, as if he were angling, at the outset, for an edge.
I had the uncomfortable feeling I get around intrusive salesmen who leave you feeling like an “object” from whom to extract a sale and commission.
I should mention that he was glib. Glibness is a trait often associated with certain sociopaths. My client was so glib, as a matter of fact, that for the first time in a long while the word “glib” actually popped into my head.
When I say “glib,” I don’t mean just fast-talking, which he was. He was shallow, too. And for me, the combination of smooth, fast talking, underlain by shallowness, really captures “glib.”
He was something of a schemer, and it was fascinating to observe him deny or dismiss rife evidence of his historical deceptiveness, abusiveness and double-standards. And he did so with a striking lack of shame, and with much audacity, along with irritation (arrogantly conveyed) to have to even deign to respond to the history.
Now I’d like to shift gears (abruptly), and say something about the psychopath’s (or sociopath’s) alleged “look,” or “stare,” which has been described anecdotally in the literature. Its most obvious form is characterized by a certain crazed intensity (note some of the existing photos of Ted Bundy, and other serial killers).
There are also, I suggest, other, subtler forms of this look. In any case what this “look” transmits (in any of its forms) is something elementally predatory. It has an evaluatively predatory quality.
I suspect that many of you have had the experience of being watched in this way?
It’s more than a feeling of being scrutinized, because all of us scrutinize each other, and clients should be scrutinizing their therapists.
It is more, I think, the quality, or motive, of the scrutiny—again, a predatory aspect that engenders the experience of feeling invaded, and “sized up,” “measured” for ulterior purposes.
At bottom, this is a type of “look” that leaves one feeling watched, studied as an “object.” One experiences the “watcher” as if he or she is calculating, “How much can I have my way with this person? How susceptible is this person to my present interests in him or her?”
My client had this “look.”
He was a “watcher,” and as he watched me, I often had the disconcerting sense that he was less interested in what I had to say, or what I was saying, than in using the time I was speaking to further his evaluation of my vulnerability.
This feeling with, experience of someone, can be a signal. It can signal that something predatory is brewing, or occurring.
I’ve called this the “feel” of a sociopath, because sociopaths sometimes (not always) can stir-up this sensation in those whose paths they’ve crossed, or lives they’ve entered. To be sure, not all sociopaths evoke this experience; but some do, and it can be an uncomfortable, and not easily articulated experience. Depending on the circumstances, it can even feel flatteringly seductive (if still uncomfortable).
Take, for instance, a blind/first-date scenario, in which the exploitative-minded individual approvingly, hungrily, invasively and audaciously sizes-up his date, leaving her feeling flattered (hungrily desired) while at the same time uneasy?
This “sizing up,” “measuring” process too often belies not a hunger for love, and connection, but of acquisition, possession and/or conquest.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Stargazer
ha ha ha That’s pretty funny, OxD. The funniest part is that he is gonna “borrow” the money. As if he’s gonna pay it back. ha ha ha ha ha If your egg donor believes that, then I have some swampland in Florida I’d like to sell her.
My S posted pics of some Peruvian boa constrictors on the website. They were very high end snakes, and all the site members were oohing and aahing. Never mind that they weren’t even his snakes (!!). He just posted the pictures and said, “a few Peruvians.” It would not even occur to anyone that those would not be his snakes. The way sociopaths think is just absurd! But at least you can credit them for thinking “outside the box”. Or in your Trojan P’s case “outside the cell”. LOL
hens
There you are OXY – the party has kinda fizzeled out a bit – but we had fun for awhile…..egg doner? I liked mommy dearest better…she did have a good egg – YOU!! learn the lesson – I gave him the benifit of the doubt so many times – the further out I get from it – time and fog free – the more apparent his evil ways are/were….I even try to feel sorry for him – but I just can’t. he may be wired wrong – he may have been raised wrong or been neglected or abused – but nothing short of pure EVIL can do what they do. period,,, if he recovers and finds God – I dont want to know nothing about it…
Stargazer
And you know, even though I cut my S off in July 08 and turned him in for adultery and fraud, it wouldn’t surprise me if he would still try and seduce me if I ever saw him again. And you know, that same allure that drew me to him in the first place would probably still be there, along with the faded memories of the affair. This is why I must make sure I never see him again.
hens
Star My X would too, if he showed up and I wanted sex, he would be nekkid in a heart beat….Actually a year ago he did show up about two weeks after I kicked him out and even tho he was with new guy he wanted to do me a favor!!!!!!I told him to leave and never come back, well he did come back 2 more times and the door was never opened to him.. that is what I love about no contact – I bet that really took the lead out of his pencil — he has no allure – i think of all the sex we had and want to vomit….
Stargazer
Wow, these guys really have no shame. I would never just “drop in” to see an ex lover just expecting that he would drop everything and have sex with me! And if he sent me away, I certainly wouldn’t keep coming back like a piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe. These guys have no fears of rejection, pride, or shame.
Stargazer
Indi! We decided to all have our LF party at your house in Florida. Preferably not during hurricane season.
learnthelesson
How about how different they were in the beginning of relationship. Getting to know them.. the hours of conversations (for me at least) – the time and energy spent in reeling us in. The mannerisms, the sweetness, openness. The best friend “energy” – then BOOM….the motherload of all Evil is in your life.
Jim in Indiana USA
Well, I was somewhere else and missed the party? Bee costume and rubber waders, right?
Quality time with quality people here.
Past my bedtime. TOWANDA! right?
Thanks for being here.
Love, peace, healing…and NO CONTACT…got it!
Stargazer
learnthelesson: Your S had stuff to converse about for hours? Must have been pretty deep for an S. I tried to ask mine some penetrating questions about important things. He always evaded the questions, smokescreening them with how much he liked/loved me and wanted to stay with me.
Stargazer
Indi, I’m allergic to smoke. You won’t ever catching me bringing cigarettes to anyone! lol