I recently had clinical contact with a client who left me with the unusually strong, immediate impression of “schemer,” “slick,” “full of crap.” He was instantly, aggressively ingratiating—less, I felt, from insecurity, as from ulterior motives, as if he were angling, at the outset, for an edge.
I had the uncomfortable feeling I get around intrusive salesmen who leave you feeling like an “object” from whom to extract a sale and commission.
I should mention that he was glib. Glibness is a trait often associated with certain sociopaths. My client was so glib, as a matter of fact, that for the first time in a long while the word “glib” actually popped into my head.
When I say “glib,” I don’t mean just fast-talking, which he was. He was shallow, too. And for me, the combination of smooth, fast talking, underlain by shallowness, really captures “glib.”
He was something of a schemer, and it was fascinating to observe him deny or dismiss rife evidence of his historical deceptiveness, abusiveness and double-standards. And he did so with a striking lack of shame, and with much audacity, along with irritation (arrogantly conveyed) to have to even deign to respond to the history.
Now I’d like to shift gears (abruptly), and say something about the psychopath’s (or sociopath’s) alleged “look,” or “stare,” which has been described anecdotally in the literature. Its most obvious form is characterized by a certain crazed intensity (note some of the existing photos of Ted Bundy, and other serial killers).
There are also, I suggest, other, subtler forms of this look. In any case what this “look” transmits (in any of its forms) is something elementally predatory. It has an evaluatively predatory quality.
I suspect that many of you have had the experience of being watched in this way?
It’s more than a feeling of being scrutinized, because all of us scrutinize each other, and clients should be scrutinizing their therapists.
It is more, I think, the quality, or motive, of the scrutiny—again, a predatory aspect that engenders the experience of feeling invaded, and “sized up,” “measured” for ulterior purposes.
At bottom, this is a type of “look” that leaves one feeling watched, studied as an “object.” One experiences the “watcher” as if he or she is calculating, “How much can I have my way with this person? How susceptible is this person to my present interests in him or her?”
My client had this “look.”
He was a “watcher,” and as he watched me, I often had the disconcerting sense that he was less interested in what I had to say, or what I was saying, than in using the time I was speaking to further his evaluation of my vulnerability.
This feeling with, experience of someone, can be a signal. It can signal that something predatory is brewing, or occurring.
I’ve called this the “feel” of a sociopath, because sociopaths sometimes (not always) can stir-up this sensation in those whose paths they’ve crossed, or lives they’ve entered. To be sure, not all sociopaths evoke this experience; but some do, and it can be an uncomfortable, and not easily articulated experience. Depending on the circumstances, it can even feel flatteringly seductive (if still uncomfortable).
Take, for instance, a blind/first-date scenario, in which the exploitative-minded individual approvingly, hungrily, invasively and audaciously sizes-up his date, leaving her feeling flattered (hungrily desired) while at the same time uneasy?
This “sizing up,” “measuring” process too often belies not a hunger for love, and connection, but of acquisition, possession and/or conquest.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
hens
Indi That’s just it – they had us pegged and lined up as a saftey net – somewhere to crash when their current situation was completley used up, situation being ( source of supply ) very matter of fact to them, they play house with us and make us think they are playing by the rules, but it is all pretend for them and when we become too difficlult they find another (source of supply) they have several sources going at once, but when we are their only source of supply is when we feel so loved and special..when they have OPTIONS life becomes a nitemare –if that makes any sense?
learnthelesson
Wow – mine must have been a S-special! In the beginning he was everything a true cool friend could be. He put in alot alot alot of time and energy leading up to the day he needed his first “loan” because he was in the middle of changing jobs..
learnthelesson
Henry – yes that makes alot of sense – it became obvious when the options were there and when they werent. which reminds me – NEVER MAKE A MAN A PRIORITY WHEN HE ONLY MAKES YOU AN OPTION!
learnthelesson
Goonight all. Learning more each and every day. Glad to be here..
hens
there is a song somewhere – I dont want to work so hard to have a conversation – my x never talked deep about anything but his grandiose self – if I wanted to talk about, feelings – emotions, dreams, goals for us, money, love,religion, politics, he would listen for a brief painful moment then say When I worked at dairy queen I took that dying store and turned it around to the best dairy queen in the state~~~~!! or he would tell me about basket ball games from his high school days – the guy knew every score from every game ever played anywhere – we were really so not compatable – I would go outside on a full moon nite build a big fire and look at the starz and wish he would come sit with me, but the fire would turn to ashes and he would Still be playing lottso on the computer – or so he says that was what he was playing
shabbychic2
henry: that was a good one about you writing to Donna that you were healed! After a 14 year relationship with a N… I was here in Jan ’08 for months, reading & reading, posting once in a while, then I was healed by my own mind! It was an amazing thing. Now I am back, Jan ’09… after a P… the awareness I “discovered” about myself didn’t help me recognize a predator. Now I’m starting to “get it”. I have to look at myself and laugh at how naive I am/was.
Rune
SC2: How can we ever assume that this new, interesting, sweet, funny person is — certifiable? The very disorder has to do with him(her) being very good at appearing “just fine,” while stealing your own sense of sanity.
If you are starting to “get it,” you are so far ahead in the game. Good for you.
shabbychic2
Rune: I started to “get it” after you replied to one of my posts the beginning of this month… you wrote about how you were targeted and how they are predators, I wasn’t really grasping the lies these S/P’s tell or how abnormal they are… until I really considered that word “predator”. Until you said that I was just thinking people were using me, but that is a very simplistic view, I needed to go deeper but didn’t understand. So, thank you for continued support. I have learned from you!!
Is opn
This keeps running through my mind today. Yes, the S I know is an S after reading every article posted here, he appears to have all the characteristics of an S. I have no doubt whatsoever of this. But what if it is schizophrenia too? Did I change the locks on a sick person? Not the S part, but maybe on another illness S had?
A year ago after all the riggamorow, I called a relative of this S and said what is up with this person, behavior of the S? At first he acted like he wasn’t sure, but after listening to more details I gave him, he said he needs to be hospitalized. I agreed. But then the S’s relative told me after I asked if there was any kind of illness like this behavior in the family and he said no, and then said oh S’s father had drank heavily and then later at the AV hospital he (the father) was diagnosed with alcohol related schizophrenia. I heard that and let it go. Now a year later after all this stuff I wonder.
hens
sc2… I go on and on about my progress and knowledge, but I have met two guys this past year that got my attention and held it for a short while, we never know instanly that someone is a predator, I am paying attention to red flags and setting boundaries and I can tell when I am being tested as a potential option, and when I don’t take the bait, they go fishing for someone else.