I recently had clinical contact with a client who left me with the unusually strong, immediate impression of “schemer,” “slick,” “full of crap.” He was instantly, aggressively ingratiating—less, I felt, from insecurity, as from ulterior motives, as if he were angling, at the outset, for an edge.
I had the uncomfortable feeling I get around intrusive salesmen who leave you feeling like an “object” from whom to extract a sale and commission.
I should mention that he was glib. Glibness is a trait often associated with certain sociopaths. My client was so glib, as a matter of fact, that for the first time in a long while the word “glib” actually popped into my head.
When I say “glib,” I don’t mean just fast-talking, which he was. He was shallow, too. And for me, the combination of smooth, fast talking, underlain by shallowness, really captures “glib.”
He was something of a schemer, and it was fascinating to observe him deny or dismiss rife evidence of his historical deceptiveness, abusiveness and double-standards. And he did so with a striking lack of shame, and with much audacity, along with irritation (arrogantly conveyed) to have to even deign to respond to the history.
Now I’d like to shift gears (abruptly), and say something about the psychopath’s (or sociopath’s) alleged “look,” or “stare,” which has been described anecdotally in the literature. Its most obvious form is characterized by a certain crazed intensity (note some of the existing photos of Ted Bundy, and other serial killers).
There are also, I suggest, other, subtler forms of this look. In any case what this “look” transmits (in any of its forms) is something elementally predatory. It has an evaluatively predatory quality.
I suspect that many of you have had the experience of being watched in this way?
It’s more than a feeling of being scrutinized, because all of us scrutinize each other, and clients should be scrutinizing their therapists.
It is more, I think, the quality, or motive, of the scrutiny—again, a predatory aspect that engenders the experience of feeling invaded, and “sized up,” “measured” for ulterior purposes.
At bottom, this is a type of “look” that leaves one feeling watched, studied as an “object.” One experiences the “watcher” as if he or she is calculating, “How much can I have my way with this person? How susceptible is this person to my present interests in him or her?”
My client had this “look.”
He was a “watcher,” and as he watched me, I often had the disconcerting sense that he was less interested in what I had to say, or what I was saying, than in using the time I was speaking to further his evaluation of my vulnerability.
This feeling with, experience of someone, can be a signal. It can signal that something predatory is brewing, or occurring.
I’ve called this the “feel” of a sociopath, because sociopaths sometimes (not always) can stir-up this sensation in those whose paths they’ve crossed, or lives they’ve entered. To be sure, not all sociopaths evoke this experience; but some do, and it can be an uncomfortable, and not easily articulated experience. Depending on the circumstances, it can even feel flatteringly seductive (if still uncomfortable).
Take, for instance, a blind/first-date scenario, in which the exploitative-minded individual approvingly, hungrily, invasively and audaciously sizes-up his date, leaving her feeling flattered (hungrily desired) while at the same time uneasy?
This “sizing up,” “measuring” process too often belies not a hunger for love, and connection, but of acquisition, possession and/or conquest.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
P.S. They say 4% of the population are sociopaths. I wonder what percentage has been PLAYED by sociopaths? We should just count all the people walking around with flat heads to get our answer. LOL
Star SO where/how does the line get drawn? Whats the lesson? Because I was drawn to his “uniqueness” too. I like self confidence in someone and a laid back demeanor. I know this may be a very easy answer… but its baffling me. Perhaps its that it has to be accompanied by all the other good qualities as well. Consistency with treating people well and doing things that I could see myself doing. Rather than totally being baffled by his outoftheblue shocking behavior toward me and others that made me feel uncomfortable – but I didnt heed the red flags…
Acck I hit the post button instead of preview. Learned I also made a comment earlier about the “Frog in the pot”. If yu had known that the person was a psychopath upfront (or they acted like one upfront) you would have jumped out. But if the psychopath slowly changes the environment/behaviors you do not notice them until it is to late and the water is boiling. Take that along with the information in the article above and it is much easier to see how everyone can have this happen to them and how it is not something that is “broken” in us that caused this to happen to us.
Blogger…Thank you for your respectful comments. Again, I am just learning as I go and I appreciate all the feedback, different opinions and views. I personally feel that I need to fix something within me (from my past) whether or not it relates to why I stayed in a dysfunctional S relationship or not. But I agree nothing about me allowed me ENTER into a relationship with the S. As everything dysfunctional about him was masked. But once it fell off, or red flags were waving – there is something about THAT, which I need to reevaluate my unreasoning belief and and unusual attitude to stay and support and justify any further involvement.
Regarding strengths, if my abuser was in my shoes, he would be able to just walk away, not care, and not even feel the need for reflection. HE ALSO WOULDNT TAKE THE TIME TO LEARN THE LESSON AND TRY TO PREVENT ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP LIKE THE LAST.
Interesting perspectives. What I am trying to do is not be less loyal and commited to something that is uncomfortable, difficult and even humiliating. Thats what i meant about needing to fix something within me. Thanks for the link I am going to go check it out!
oops typo … I am trying TO BE Less loyal/commited to something that is uncomfortable/difficult and humiliating. Maybe broken and fixed are inot the right words, maybe simply more enlightened!
Blogger – Just finished reading the link. Did you write that post? So much valuable information is in that article. It was eerie making some of the connections to him in that post. Although it seemed to be directed toward sexually abusive criminals? But many of the traits were eerily familiar. On the surface, I was noting the differences in traits/abilities to disengage from something that is uncomfortable (for us) which could be likened to something that is boring/of no interest (to them)…. they walk away…I stayed.
Dear Learnthe lesson,
You should change your name to LEARN-ED the lesson! Your last posts show that you are “getting it” and that healing is ultimately not about them, but about US.
Predators pick out the one animal in a herd of 1000 that has even the slightest limp—just as the wolf, hyena, lion, tiger, can find that ONE animal among many that gives it an edge,so does the human predator!
I used to be a wild life photographer, and we would watch a predator make a “pass” at a herd to make them run, but a “pass” in which he/it/they were not really trying to catch any one animal, but after that “pretend” attack when the animals ran a ways, THEN he would know which SINGLE animal to attack–the very young, the very old, the sick, the injured, because it gave HIM the edge.
If a predator chooses wrong, the prey animal, if healthy may be able to kick the predators’ jaw and break it, thus literally killing the predator (though not instantly) so he is going to pick one that is less likely to hurt HIM in the process of killing it. A wounded or unwise predator starves.
Just as the lion can pick the ONE animal out of 1000, who knows how many potential victims our predators tried before they SAW OUR VULNERABLE SPOT?
A while back I was walking out behind my barn and spotted a rabbit grazing. The birds tipped him off that there was a predator in the vicinity (me) and he froze (HE RESPONDED TO THE RED FLAGS OF HIS ENVIRONMENT.) Then he started looking around for the danger, moving his ears and his eyes. I also froze (a predator tactic) just to watch him. The birds quieted down and he eventually went back to grazing, but he was STILL WARY and CAUTIOUS. After a while I moved, and immediately he was aware and ran into a brush pile where he was safe.
For some reason we (victims) seem to discount our environment (what we see and hear) and to convince ourselves that there is no danger. The rabbit (or other prey) are cautious and they listen to their environment and heed the warnings to be extra cautious. We throw CAUTION TO THE WIND.
Another thing that is interesting too, is that prey animals ONCE CAUGHT, but still capable of fight will GIVE UP AND STOP STRUGGLING IF HELD TIGHTLY. That very tendency is used in cattle handling devices called a “squeeze chute” where the cattle are drive into a chute that can squeeze them and being held firmly stops them struggling so that they will stay still while you vaccinate them etc. Strangely enough, the woman who invented this SQUEEZE chute is very autistic, but highly functioning and she has a PhD in animal science and has revolutionized the cattle handling industry by her inventions. Her first name is Temple, but I can’t remember her last name (CRS). She even built a smaller version that when she is stressed she gets inside and presses levers that “hold” her firmly (but she still has control over it from inside) Interesting concept. I had “noticed” it years ago observing predator kills, but never did anything with my knowledge, but SHE DID SOMETHING VERY CONSTRUCTIVE with the same knowledge.
It is also interesting too that she used that same technique she used on cattle to calm herself when she was anxious. (after all, humans are prey animals too as well as predators)
I see a great analogy to the prey/predator concepts of our situations with our Ps.
We need to learn what our “limp” was that made us more vulnerable than the “rest of the herd” and fix it if we can. We also need to learn to overcome our instinctive self-pacification to quit struggling when “caught” and up our tendency to continue to fight, and flee.
Oxy I liked your post. I also see it as it was not that we had a limp that made us vulnerable but rather they waited until we were in a vulnerable spot. Much like a crocodile, cold blooded and cunning. Waiting until someone had just gone through a bad experience and had their guards down and were in a vulnerable place. Of course this is just a wide swipe of the generalization brush from me as I have also known predators who went after those who did have a “limp”. Such a sad mess. I still try to stick with something along the lines of a the comment you said previously. Toxic is toxic and that is what is important. The poison is in the dosage as they say.
Dear Blogger,
Yes the predator can use various tactics from catching even a healthy animal unawares, they use ALL the tricks including stealth, suprise, overwhelming odds, anything to give THEM the edge.
The INITIAL attack can happen to ANYONE, what makes US different I think is that WE stayed around after the pain started and discounted the pain….the overwhelming majority of people posting on here SAW RED FLAGS not too far into the relationship and then STILL STAYED and tried to “fix” the relationship/the predator—took the blame for the “failure” onto themselves. THAT is what I am calling a “limp”—that is the thing the predator some how KNOWS about us, tests us small at first, then increasingly brutal as we do not RUN at the first sign of “bad things”—it is the CAT AND MOUSE game. There is a great article in the archives about how a cat plays with a mouse. IT IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF HOW THE Ps USE US for their ENTERTAINMENT and pleasure.
Oxy – Looking back, it was alot of naiivity on my part. In Bloggers link there is reference to us erroneously seeing others the same way we see ourselves. For the longest time, I was “stuck” thinking there was just NO WAY he would do this that or the other thing. I made up excuses. Reasons. Settled for less. Turned a cheek. Un*******believable!!!!!! It was llke my brain wasnt functioning as it always had in prior relationships. I kept wanting to help, to help, to help.. with finding him jobs, with advice, with loans that came with promises each time (DUH ME DUH ME) and with forgiving all of his behaviors. What a wake up call I had this morning, wanting to know why. why. why..was I so unprepared once the first red flag appeared…and thereafter. I dont want to walk around with that “limp” anymore! I want strong and steady as she goes! Thanks AGAIN Oxy…