I recently had clinical contact with a client who left me with the unusually strong, immediate impression of “schemer,” “slick,” “full of crap.” He was instantly, aggressively ingratiating—less, I felt, from insecurity, as from ulterior motives, as if he were angling, at the outset, for an edge.
I had the uncomfortable feeling I get around intrusive salesmen who leave you feeling like an “object” from whom to extract a sale and commission.
I should mention that he was glib. Glibness is a trait often associated with certain sociopaths. My client was so glib, as a matter of fact, that for the first time in a long while the word “glib” actually popped into my head.
When I say “glib,” I don’t mean just fast-talking, which he was. He was shallow, too. And for me, the combination of smooth, fast talking, underlain by shallowness, really captures “glib.”
He was something of a schemer, and it was fascinating to observe him deny or dismiss rife evidence of his historical deceptiveness, abusiveness and double-standards. And he did so with a striking lack of shame, and with much audacity, along with irritation (arrogantly conveyed) to have to even deign to respond to the history.
Now I’d like to shift gears (abruptly), and say something about the psychopath’s (or sociopath’s) alleged “look,” or “stare,” which has been described anecdotally in the literature. Its most obvious form is characterized by a certain crazed intensity (note some of the existing photos of Ted Bundy, and other serial killers).
There are also, I suggest, other, subtler forms of this look. In any case what this “look” transmits (in any of its forms) is something elementally predatory. It has an evaluatively predatory quality.
I suspect that many of you have had the experience of being watched in this way?
It’s more than a feeling of being scrutinized, because all of us scrutinize each other, and clients should be scrutinizing their therapists.
It is more, I think, the quality, or motive, of the scrutiny—again, a predatory aspect that engenders the experience of feeling invaded, and “sized up,” “measured” for ulterior purposes.
At bottom, this is a type of “look” that leaves one feeling watched, studied as an “object.” One experiences the “watcher” as if he or she is calculating, “How much can I have my way with this person? How susceptible is this person to my present interests in him or her?”
My client had this “look.”
He was a “watcher,” and as he watched me, I often had the disconcerting sense that he was less interested in what I had to say, or what I was saying, than in using the time I was speaking to further his evaluation of my vulnerability.
This feeling with, experience of someone, can be a signal. It can signal that something predatory is brewing, or occurring.
I’ve called this the “feel” of a sociopath, because sociopaths sometimes (not always) can stir-up this sensation in those whose paths they’ve crossed, or lives they’ve entered. To be sure, not all sociopaths evoke this experience; but some do, and it can be an uncomfortable, and not easily articulated experience. Depending on the circumstances, it can even feel flatteringly seductive (if still uncomfortable).
Take, for instance, a blind/first-date scenario, in which the exploitative-minded individual approvingly, hungrily, invasively and audaciously sizes-up his date, leaving her feeling flattered (hungrily desired) while at the same time uneasy?
This “sizing up,” “measuring” process too often belies not a hunger for love, and connection, but of acquisition, possession and/or conquest.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
neveragain
Sorry, a draft was partially posted before my final. I must have hit something!
akitameg
Not a good bog place for me. Mine was so physically beautiful– that his green eyes seemed to look into my soul. I never, ever, ever would have thought this of him.
he was so soft spoken and gentle and FUNNY– and I have a strange sense of humor.
oh forget it.
akitameg
my three things to which i was attracted–
his creativity–he was kind of “out there” like me– so I thought. I was a theatre major– he was a photographer. i thought we just came from the same worlds.
his sense of humor-
his teeth—-
who knew I would end up getting bitten so hard.
Matt
akitameg:
My S had a beautiful smile.
But, he started to grind his teeth so hard. I now realize a sign he may have been doing meth on top of cocaine.
I hope he grinds them to nothing. Then he and those toothless old codgers he was cheating on me with will have something in common.
lostingrief
akitameg:
i knew that my the spath-hole was cheating when he decided to get braces on his teeth to correct a few slightly-crooked bottom teeth. he was obsessed with his looks, but never even spoke about braces. then, one day, there they are. it was his only physical flaw and i thought it was cute. i guess his new bitch didn’t.
however, he was beginning to go bald at the back-top of his head. sweet justice. i hope it’s progressing like a virulent bacteria.
akitameg
I would pay money for mine to go bald– but nope 39 yrs old with thick, thick sandy brown hair. Everthing about him physically is perfect.
Matt– my God. toothless old codgers—
was this guy from Apalachia? 🙂
God you have gotten away from some evil crap.
eliza
Mine had the look, piercing blue eyes that had nothing behind them. He was always sizing me up, always gauging my reactions to his insane stories. A nice smile, charming, so smooth, so glib. He was certainly accompanied by a “feeling” of his own.
alohatraveler
Interesting article. We all have experienced a look of some kind that felt funny. Bad Man had a look that seemed so boyish and cute sometimes. It would come across his face suddenly. Later, I came to know this look as a danger signal that he had just locked on to something I had said that would be radically twisted and tossed back at me. It was like he suddenly thought he had me on something.
He used to be the most beautiful face to me… that was a long time ago.
James
“It has an evaluatively predatory quality. “
I have seen this look many times before and know it well.
“It is more, I think, the quality, or motive, of the scrutiny—again, a predatory aspect that engenders the experience of feeling invaded, and “sized up,” “measured” for ulterior purposes. “
Perfect! Yes, that is how it feels and is witnessed. Also like to add that when my ex s/p used the look on me it felt like she had me in a corner to me and she enjoyed the feeling of control but when it stopped working it only cause her more narcissistic rage and emotional frustration. Like a child who couldn’t get their way.
Thanks Steve!
James
I now see the “look” as eyes that doesn’t have any light/sparker to them unless it wants something. Then the eyes become alive with excitement. But still the eyes are shallow and kind of dead in a way…
Very hard to describe or put into words..
A kind of vacate look when no one is watching….
A picture with a smile but still the eyes lack this smile in them…
When we smile our eyes too smiles but for some reason the face and eyes don’t with them..
Again, Very hard to describe or put into words…