I recently had clinical contact with a client who left me with the unusually strong, immediate impression of “schemer,” “slick,” “full of crap.” He was instantly, aggressively ingratiating—less, I felt, from insecurity, as from ulterior motives, as if he were angling, at the outset, for an edge.
I had the uncomfortable feeling I get around intrusive salesmen who leave you feeling like an “object” from whom to extract a sale and commission.
I should mention that he was glib. Glibness is a trait often associated with certain sociopaths. My client was so glib, as a matter of fact, that for the first time in a long while the word “glib” actually popped into my head.
When I say “glib,” I don’t mean just fast-talking, which he was. He was shallow, too. And for me, the combination of smooth, fast talking, underlain by shallowness, really captures “glib.”
He was something of a schemer, and it was fascinating to observe him deny or dismiss rife evidence of his historical deceptiveness, abusiveness and double-standards. And he did so with a striking lack of shame, and with much audacity, along with irritation (arrogantly conveyed) to have to even deign to respond to the history.
Now I’d like to shift gears (abruptly), and say something about the psychopath’s (or sociopath’s) alleged “look,” or “stare,” which has been described anecdotally in the literature. Its most obvious form is characterized by a certain crazed intensity (note some of the existing photos of Ted Bundy, and other serial killers).
There are also, I suggest, other, subtler forms of this look. In any case what this “look” transmits (in any of its forms) is something elementally predatory. It has an evaluatively predatory quality.
I suspect that many of you have had the experience of being watched in this way?
It’s more than a feeling of being scrutinized, because all of us scrutinize each other, and clients should be scrutinizing their therapists.
It is more, I think, the quality, or motive, of the scrutiny—again, a predatory aspect that engenders the experience of feeling invaded, and “sized up,” “measured” for ulterior purposes.
At bottom, this is a type of “look” that leaves one feeling watched, studied as an “object.” One experiences the “watcher” as if he or she is calculating, “How much can I have my way with this person? How susceptible is this person to my present interests in him or her?”
My client had this “look.”
He was a “watcher,” and as he watched me, I often had the disconcerting sense that he was less interested in what I had to say, or what I was saying, than in using the time I was speaking to further his evaluation of my vulnerability.
This feeling with, experience of someone, can be a signal. It can signal that something predatory is brewing, or occurring.
I’ve called this the “feel” of a sociopath, because sociopaths sometimes (not always) can stir-up this sensation in those whose paths they’ve crossed, or lives they’ve entered. To be sure, not all sociopaths evoke this experience; but some do, and it can be an uncomfortable, and not easily articulated experience. Depending on the circumstances, it can even feel flatteringly seductive (if still uncomfortable).
Take, for instance, a blind/first-date scenario, in which the exploitative-minded individual approvingly, hungrily, invasively and audaciously sizes-up his date, leaving her feeling flattered (hungrily desired) while at the same time uneasy?
This “sizing up,” “measuring” process too often belies not a hunger for love, and connection, but of acquisition, possession and/or conquest.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Ah – what a great way to start the day! So glad to hear that Libelle’s head nurse and Stargazer’s ex S are having to pay a price for their behavior! That’s awesome! It’s so frustrating to think that the ex-S’s just breeze along, not answering for their misdeeds, while we struggle and suffer because of our generous and forgiving natures. So glad to read that these two are getting a public scorn from their peers.
Well, what pleases me most is not so much that they suffer, but that the two of you get to feel good!
Isn’t that a gift? To be able to feel good for someone else’s happiness? In the fall I was sitting in a Starbucks waiting for my girlfriend, when a pleasant man sitting at a table near me struck up a conversation. He and his wife were in-town for homecoming at one of the local colleges where his son was enrolled as a senior. He seemed really excited to be visiting his son, and was particularly excited to tell me about how, after a stressful period of interviews and letdowns, his son had landed this good job at a respected firm to begin in the summer. He looked so happy, and I felt myself getting happier and happier as he spoke. So both he and I were beaming with excitement about his son’s job. I was feeling happy for him, happy for his son, and just, well, HAPPY. I later reflected on this and thought, “what a gift to be able to truly feel happy because someone else, a stranger, even, has had something good happen to them.” The S’s never have that feeling. They only have envy and resentment for the success of others. How awful. But because we have so much love and compassion for our fellow man, we get to feel so much love and happiness.
Rune: NO, YOU ARE NOT A S/P!!! You just try to remind me take off the rose colored glasses and to set boundaries (a very strong GOOD thing S/P/N are masters at! Practically the only thing I loved about X, learning to set boundaries and not feeling guilty, bad, unloving, unkind, fearing abandonment (mark appropriate…)!
Yes, I got very upset at reading between the lines of the “Dis-card”. I had sent him a German Classic Psychology book on Fear in the beginning of October last year. That book helped me a lot understanding the whole thing and I was still in the malignant hope of “fixing” him. He thanked me only in the End of January this year, 4 months later, with a very nice card, and I had the impression that he has learned some thing and has improved! I then wrote him back an email stating why the book has helped me sort out the “relationship”, that I had to clean up my whole life and that he has been a wonderful mirror, and that I am thankful for the time with him, that I can look back without bitterness, but that I also know that nobody ever in my lifetime will treat me as he did in the last months. I told him everything about my healing, but also not to contact me anymore because it is over.
He made some very rude comment in the last “Dis-card” on the “relationship” so that I came to the conclusion that for him it was “Escort” with me the “Whore” from the beginning! He mentioned the good things were the sex (first!!) and the accompaniment to functions, theatre and the like, and the interesting talks. (Nothing more to say!) And that he had found the new GF (“Not as you think a big breasted hairdresser but a psychaitrist 95 pounds, same age, I have a good feeling”). He then wrote that I should get over it with this “normal breakup”, and that I will also find somebody again!
He always liked my small breasts and he once told me having dated a “stupid” woman with whom he just had sex but finished it after the second date. Not challenging enough for the professor in Mathematics, I think. He MUST have the intellectual and emotional challenge, the more the better! Going to whores and pay for it lacks the power as the whore tells which prize to pay, and tells when to leave or it gets more expensive, and when the whore is powerless there is a pimp, or it is dangerous as they usually are drug addicts. And then the intellectual component is lacking, at least my two patients who are “in the business” are definitely NO match for a GOD like HIM.
And whores know to set boundaries! It is a no win situation!
The other thing that REALLY embarrassed me reading “between the lines” was that he stated that I was not competent to send him a psychology book and to write to him about HIS psychology and how I thought the “relationship” had no chance to work, as I do not have a specialisation in psychiatry, and when a psychiatrist is dating him, and I have difficulties to “come to terms”, who is the nutcase anyways?
But as Star and Oxy wrote to me when I was very upset last weekend: I can be generous towards him having him have the last word on this matter, so the contact may really be over now.
I MUST NOT WIN THIS ONE, I HAVE ALREADY WON, HE IS GONE!!!
As the dog barks behind the postman and thinks he has any power to make the postman leave the property! (with me being the postman of course!)
Libelle: You are clearly intelligent and well educated. You are a trophy. You ran into two headhunters. Do you know the psychology behind headhunters? The headhunters wanted the head of someone they admired — and in the cannibalistic society, they wanted to consume the enemy they admired. Of course, after the meal, it was on to the next one.
The head(hunter) nurse didn’t “hate” you. She saw someone who wouldn’t break easily, so she came up with the stupid game of locking the bathroom. I’m glad that one backfired and she is a laughingstock. She may be more dangerous now, or she may decide that you “aren’t worth it,” which would be her own ego-preserving explanation for backing off. I really think we make a serious mistake when we think of them as “hating,” just as we miss the mark when we think they are “loving.”
Bless you for all the work you are doing, but I still feel you are off track in trying to understand this ex-lover. He was just another trophy hunter. Now, the good news is that you are so admirable, SUCH a trophy, that it was interesting to him to work to harm you. The harming part is all his sickness — and the challenge for you is to let go of your (legitimate) hurt feelings. Not that you don’t deserve to comfort yourself, but every hurtful thing he ever did or said (just like every compliment he ever gave you) was intended to break you down, AND NONE OF WHAT HE SAID HAS TRUE MEANING!!! Don’t take his words into yourself. Don’t worry over them and give them meaning that they don’t have. He will say any damn thing he can think of to try to continue hurting you. If you tell him you hurt — he likes that. If you tell him you are healing, he won’t know what that means, or he may find a way to throw that in your face later.
I did a meditation at one point when I was trying to understand how the S/P in my life could have acted the way he did. In my meditation, I picked a situation where his actions and “emotion” had been incomprehensible to me, and I used all the understanding I had gotten from Dr. Hare’s book “Without Conscience.” I felt my “mind” drifting into his state of existence, setting up the compliments to gain trust, to just pick the moment to tear down. The more I felt I understand his view of life, the more queasy I got, until I felt I was going to vomit. His world view is so toxic, that for me to even step into it for a few moments made me physically ill.
You can never make him understand anything true about you — the truth is not in him. I am so sorry for the pain he deliberately put in your life, but he is not anything like a normal man. The head(hunter) nurse? Well, maybe others will see her for the pathetic, petty manipulator she is, and she will lose trust with the higher-ups.
I wish we could go out for tea. You sound marvelous. That’s why they wanted to tear you down. Remember, in its own weird way, this is a real compliment.
BloggerT: Thanks for the link. How old is that work? Although I think it clearly outlines the manipulative pattern, I take issue with the notion that the S/Ps target women with low self-esteem. I know that has been the assumption for a long time, but when a professional is interviewing a woman AFTER the S/P has been doing the destructive work, s/he sees all sorts of low self-esteem that may NOT have been there in the first place.
The research behind “Women Who Love Psychopaths” showed that the overwhelming majority of women who were targeted were high-performing women with good self-esteem and a list of accomplishments. The predators did a thorough job of tearing the women down. I do feel that this is an area that has been almost untouched by the researchers.
I know that one thing that contributed to my own sense of low self-esteem in the aftermath was the notion that I was somehow defective and that was why the S/P picked me. “Women Who Love Psychopaths” was a lifesaver for me.
Rune: All the gathered information, as far as I am concerned is just that, gathered information. There is no concrete anything to why psychos do what they do. It’s all up in the air. I think they target everyone and anyone. When it’s the right opportunity for them, they move in on their prey. If they are rebuffed, they move on to the next available person … aka keep knocking on as many doors as they can, eventually someone says, come on in. It’s a crap shoot for them. It’s like killing fish in a barrel and the world is their barrel.
That’s my opinion.
As far as insecurities and negativities in people, everyone has some form of this at any given time in their life.
Peace.
I’m cheered up by reading all the wonderful posts here today. This has been a rough couple of weeks for me. I did end up filing the police report for my property being vandalized. I called my lawyer to keep him informed of what has happened. He’s all of a sudden very interested in what is going on. Makes me wonder if I was assaulted or worse, if he would finally GET IT. I am still attending my Total Forgiveness class at church. I am hoping that helps with my anger at myself. If I can’t get closure pretty soon, I’ll drive myself nuts. Out of my 4 children, only my oldest daughter relly gets it. I am so thankful I have her to talk to, & this site to keep reading for encouragement. The road to recovery can be a lonely one, indeed.
Stiles: We don’t go into life expecting that some percentage of the people we meet will be crazy. And we never think that the really dangerous/crazy ones will look so ultra-normal. This is so far beyond what kids should have to handle, but it should be in the same package of standard warnings as “Don’t take candy from strangers.” In this case, these characters make sure they are no longer “strangers” when they are finally feeding us their toxic “candy.
How old is your oldest? My daughter, still a teenager, met a young man who was Soooo nice. She was giddy with the infatuation. I couldn’t find anything at all wrong with him — except that he seemed too good to be true: he was a little older, ran his dad’s lawn-care business, shared an apartment with his sister. Now, my kid is pretty street smart, but she fell for him pretty hard. Within six weeks, he had proposed to her, bought her an $8,000 ring, started his control games and rages, kidnapped her dog, and when she refused to take the ring or continue the relationship, he started publicly raging to his friends and in bars about how this “#%$#” played him and ripped him off and he was going to kill her. Now, I’m proud of her for getting away — but again I feel that this kind of behavior needs to be taught in school, along with social studies and whatever sex ed is allowed these days. I think education about this kind of “crazy” should be publicly available. More important than the martial arts self-defense courses!
So, if your daughter is learning to beware — not all men are like this, but some men (and women) are — then she is getting a lesson that can help protect her in life. I’m glad you filed the police report. Once the police start to get a picture of how the damage is REALLY happening, they might take better care.
And, remember: even if you know all these lessons, you can still be fooled. Please let go of the anger at yourself. You really couldn’t have known. Like I said, my daughter’s new boyfriend just seemed nicer than nice . . . And they can fool the professionals, and do every day.
Dear Stiles,
Rune’s advice above is WONDERFUL! I agree totally with everything she said.
Picking up on the forgiving yourself though, that was a BIG problem for me. I had so much trouble forgiving ME. I don’t know if you read the article I wrote on it about “forgiving yourself for being human” but look it up (no sense rewriting it) Once I got over that HURDLE it did make it much much easier on the road to Healing. Forgiving them was a big hurdle, then forgiving myself for being “stupid” etc. and for the unkind things I did and said as well.
Last night I ran into my X-DIL, the one who tried to kill her husband C, my son, and really except a little bit of glee about how bad she looked, I didn’t have a lot of feeling about it all. Of course I didn’t have a close or trusting relationship with her to begin with, but at least the terrible wrath and anger at her is apparently gone. I am glad son C wasn’t with me though, and he had planned to go with me and at the last minute canceled.
I still want to avoid running into my “egg donor” at any cost, because I know I still have work to do there. She can easily anger me (which to me indicates I have unresolved feelings and anger toward her still, but I am working on it.) Ideally, and I may never get there completely, we could be in the same room with them and be INDIFFERENT. I’m not sure I will make that IDEAL in this life time, but who knows, it is getting MUCH MUCH BETTER. hANG ON!!!! ((((HUGS))))) AND PRAYERS!
Rune: Re: I feel that this kind of behavior needs to be taught in school
I know in my school district they are teaching kids about bullies in Kindergarten. They have handouts, talks, stickers, and a movie for children that are in kindergarten to learn about bullies and how to handle the situation. I think this is a great start. I was surprised and thankful they are starting this. We had a bully problem and the young one and I were able to nip it in the bud before it may have gotten worse. The teacher told me between you and I keep the youngin away from this one. It is good they are watching out too.
I am not sure about the older grades, but I would like to see educating about abuse for both genders and ways to keep yourself safe by NC.
Is Opn: What’s scary is that “bullying” is obvious, and those classes are great — but these S/Ps sneak in under the radar. And we are blown away, partly because we just can’t wrap our heads around the truth that THEY ARE CRAZY! They literally think differently, because they have different motives. They like to hurt others. They will do it by building you up, just so you have farther to fall. They will do it by sly remarks: “how come so-n-so always looks so perfect, why can’t you be like that?” “Have you put on weight?” Some will do it with violence, and then say, “You made me do it” so that you carry the shame. Some will do it with threats, physical or legal or whatever.
Normal people do not behave like that. Normal people like to see other people happy and safe and productive in their lives. These lousy creeps will play “normal” until they have us trapped, and we’ve bought into their self-serving lies, and we’re emotionally bonded.
If only they were as obvious as bullies up front!