I recently had clinical contact with a client who left me with the unusually strong, immediate impression of “schemer,” “slick,” “full of crap.” He was instantly, aggressively ingratiating—less, I felt, from insecurity, as from ulterior motives, as if he were angling, at the outset, for an edge.
I had the uncomfortable feeling I get around intrusive salesmen who leave you feeling like an “object” from whom to extract a sale and commission.
I should mention that he was glib. Glibness is a trait often associated with certain sociopaths. My client was so glib, as a matter of fact, that for the first time in a long while the word “glib” actually popped into my head.
When I say “glib,” I don’t mean just fast-talking, which he was. He was shallow, too. And for me, the combination of smooth, fast talking, underlain by shallowness, really captures “glib.”
He was something of a schemer, and it was fascinating to observe him deny or dismiss rife evidence of his historical deceptiveness, abusiveness and double-standards. And he did so with a striking lack of shame, and with much audacity, along with irritation (arrogantly conveyed) to have to even deign to respond to the history.
Now I’d like to shift gears (abruptly), and say something about the psychopath’s (or sociopath’s) alleged “look,” or “stare,” which has been described anecdotally in the literature. Its most obvious form is characterized by a certain crazed intensity (note some of the existing photos of Ted Bundy, and other serial killers).
There are also, I suggest, other, subtler forms of this look. In any case what this “look” transmits (in any of its forms) is something elementally predatory. It has an evaluatively predatory quality.
I suspect that many of you have had the experience of being watched in this way?
It’s more than a feeling of being scrutinized, because all of us scrutinize each other, and clients should be scrutinizing their therapists.
It is more, I think, the quality, or motive, of the scrutiny—again, a predatory aspect that engenders the experience of feeling invaded, and “sized up,” “measured” for ulterior purposes.
At bottom, this is a type of “look” that leaves one feeling watched, studied as an “object.” One experiences the “watcher” as if he or she is calculating, “How much can I have my way with this person? How susceptible is this person to my present interests in him or her?”
My client had this “look.”
He was a “watcher,” and as he watched me, I often had the disconcerting sense that he was less interested in what I had to say, or what I was saying, than in using the time I was speaking to further his evaluation of my vulnerability.
This feeling with, experience of someone, can be a signal. It can signal that something predatory is brewing, or occurring.
I’ve called this the “feel” of a sociopath, because sociopaths sometimes (not always) can stir-up this sensation in those whose paths they’ve crossed, or lives they’ve entered. To be sure, not all sociopaths evoke this experience; but some do, and it can be an uncomfortable, and not easily articulated experience. Depending on the circumstances, it can even feel flatteringly seductive (if still uncomfortable).
Take, for instance, a blind/first-date scenario, in which the exploitative-minded individual approvingly, hungrily, invasively and audaciously sizes-up his date, leaving her feeling flattered (hungrily desired) while at the same time uneasy?
This “sizing up,” “measuring” process too often belies not a hunger for love, and connection, but of acquisition, possession and/or conquest.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
JAH – thanks so much! Our marriage is SUPER now. We have worked through so many misconceptions and hurts based on how we were raised and the faulty modeling of our parent’s marriages. We’ve talked and talked and talked. And talked some more. And keep talking.
My husband is a different person now. It’s totally amazing. I keep saying “really?? – the old you would have never said/thought/done that”.
So I’m ebarassed and quite guilty when I still look back at Mr. S and think – oh, that was nice. I wish I could tell him — this or that….WHAT! Missing Mr. Creepy Pants? But, he mirrored me so well and made everything sunshine and butterflys — I have taken to calling him – my “imaginary friend”, because that’s what I fell in love with. The real S is NOT my friend. I have re-read and re-read that other post you wrote to me (last week?) about him being a BAD MAN – somehow having a third party talk sense to me helps so much. Oh, and he is so different from my husband, it’s tempting to think how things would be different if you were married to someone who was really different than what you’ve had for 23 years.
So far I’ve been no-contact since mother’s day(this year) – when he sent me an email wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day and hoping I got the Ipod he had wanted me to get – but no love and kisses or anything mushy about it at all – his way of trying to sneak back in by just “being friends”. I didn’t respond – I couldn’t, because my husband and kids weren’t quite on the right track yet and Mother’s Day was actually the WORST mother’s day I had ever had – they ignored it almost completely. And here is Mr. Creepy Pants – the one who remembers! Oh how ironic! UGH! What COULD I have said to that?? Well, I could have jumped right off the wagon and run back – but he really pissed me off by the “we can still be friends” sneakiness.
Oh and there was something else interesting about his FB profile picture – If you’re interested I’ll share it in another post – but crunch time at work and lunch is over so I have to git.
Hugs back.
Cutandrun….THAT IS WONDERFUL. Same thing here…my husband is a different person now! Maybe the S/P/N was the nuclear bomb needed in both our lives to get things on track.
I know it is SO hard when the bad guy comes riding in at just the very moment when you are down, with his mask firmly in place. GOOD FOR YOU for resisting! You sound really strong.
I have sworn to myself that I will NEVER say another word to the P I was involved in or write another word. I blocked him on fb too and made my friends NOT show up in the profile listing, because I don’t want to take the chance that he would message anyone in my life.
If he calls (and he has for more than 40 years, usually on my birthday), I’m hanging up without a word if I happen to answer. But I think I wrote him such a terrible last email that he will never darken my life again, plus he knows that I have emails from him that make Mark Sanford look like a choir boy.
Yes, fb photos can reveal a lot!
Just spent a final and it is final fourty minutes telling “it” how and what hs behaviour indicates and does..I also said this.
You clearly will not change, you know exctly what you are doing you have been told many times, there is no excuse for this behacvciour. I cannot force or cajole you in to changing, and there appears to be no empathy or decency in you to change, so there are only two choices left to me…
1…continue to ignore it and spasmodically cmplain to no avail.To have the silent treatment whenever the mood takes you, be blamed fro your wrongs and basically treated like shit
2…say fuck this Ive had enough I am not living like this anymore, I can be on my own and unhappy short term and not have your poxy treatment but at least have peace of mind.
And you know what..he sat there rolled his eyes and said, ” you have too much time on your hands reading shit on the pc, I have nothing else to say other than I work and am good to you with money some men dont bring in as much as me”.
So, the plan is, when he goes to work tomorrow morning, I will get his stuff together andf take it to his work, I will contact the police and say I anticiapte trouble.Here goes..will this time keep the NC as advised by the site that justaboutheaed recommended..double the last time you had nc and add a month..Done 12 weeksish last time..He will be lucky if I ever even look at him agian much less speak , as for having him back…watch this space.
Thanks again guys, love the site.x
MULDOON…..good for you!!!!!!!!!!! And what a typical response he gave. Not accepting any responsibility, turning the topic to what he makes up that you are doing wrong, and painting himself as rosy as he can, and communicating contempt with his eyes!
GOOD LUCK and stay safe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
justabouthealed..how could I not act after reading the site you linked me to? I read the women who keep talking and it was like a mirror, and the explanation of how he see’s it was like a bucket of cold water. Also th thing that spurned me on was the part about he comes back cos he loves me..where she says no, he came cback cos your a soft touch and nowhere else is yet found where he can act the way he does. Ive been so utterly stupid I could kick myself more than I could kick him..I tell you another thing that wasa wake up call…the bit about I cant be that bad or I wouldnt be here cos she would throw me out…
Feel a little sad but more so determined and angry, its over shadowing the sadness, I know I am gunna have nights where I miss what could have been and what was sometimes more than good…
Thank you all for your kindness to me all this time. I know many of you have suffered with a husband who betrayed you numerous times with another woman. And here I am, one of those women. But not one of you has ever say anything in judgement of me, which is just remarkable and amazing.
And I thank you so much. I have paid so dearly. I sound strong now, and I am, but I still can’t eat solid food, I still have the runs, despite having last talked to him on the phone in Feb. of 08 when I hung up on him, and having not seen him since June of 07.
I could not have healed as much as I have without this site and the kindness you all have shown me and others in my position. But apparently I literally can still not stomach both my behavior and his emotional rape and betrayal. Of course what he has done to his wife is much, much worse, including a continuing affair with one of her best friends, and a very close friend of his children’s. He is a real prize.
I have also done many things to empower his wife that I don’t want to reveal here because you never know who may be lurking. But I feel I have made a real difference for her and his kids and I paid retribution to the fullest extent I could. And also refused to do somethings he wanted that were really scummy like go to his home, HER home! Also have warned women I knew he was targeting.
So thank you for your kindness on LF. I obviously did wrong. But what I did didn’t deserve the hell I’ve gone through … ALL because he was a bad guy to begin with.. I was a victim, but a victim who volunteered….but after that the nightmare of brainwashing, losing myself began, and yes, had I been a different person, I could have realized what was happening, but I was targeted because he knew from 40 years prior that I was a good target.
Yet, outside of him, no man has ever exploited me like that. I still think that if I hadn’t had blind trust from the past, and had I met him first in person, instead of all the email, this would have never happened. So watch out for blind trust!!!! And for someone who treats just like an abuser from your past. In my case, my mom.
I also had an arrogant belief myself: that he and I could be these emotionally mature people who would not hurt our partners by divorce, but would primarily be a source of emotional support to each other, and that our marriages would actually benefit from us each being happier. Somehow he got me to buy into that crap. And oh yes, by the way, he wanted some weird sex as part of the deal (only he thinks it is normal sex). OF COURSE that was ALL he wanted, that and the power of pulling one over on me and his wife and indirectly my husband and the P’s family and friends…and calling all the shots and hurting me as deeply as he could and watching in fascination as I cried, etc. and trying to get me to tell his wife so he could watch another woman in pain, which I did NOT. He was a total sicko. Various addictions. I am so ashamed that I had to see him four times before I realized he was killing my health, my values, my life! His specialty is targeting successful women and brining them to their knees. His hatred of women knows no bounds. His mask is that he adores women.
As you know I am vehement that anyone who has been emotionally raped should not blame themselves no matter what they did…only I have a hard time extending that to myself. But if I just look at the intereactions between him and me…then the problem is HIM, and the problem was that I didn’t know my vulnerabilities (from past trauma) but I sure as hell do NOW, so I would be able to prevent what he did were I able to go back in time, but none of us can do that.
Well, this is all of no interest really to anyone but me, but as you all know, at times we need to write it all down.
Again, thank you for your kindness to me.
Muldoon, I am very happy for you. If you are able to stick to your guns on this, you will have finally won the game. Oh I know, winning at a game is not what any of us really wants, but its a preatty good consolation prize. It is\was the only response I had left. A non response. And it is the only one that truley empowered me. It might be hard at first but eventually you come to feel that you have had the last word. My xp also played the “let’s be friends” card and like you, cutandrun, it infuriated me. It was just another power play in which his sick ego would be stroked by knowing he still had me on his hook. It discounted all the didpicable things he had done, (he never aknowledged them) and the assumption that I would want a friendship with someone capable of his continued BS Just made me so mad. I also knew that it would be a way to continue to torture me emotionally. You must remember to your S\P it is a game. Being friends keeps the denial going, and they are able to keep you around for whatever supply you give them, without being held accountable for anything. I have been NC for two years next month. For the first timein my life I have not been interested in running out and finding another relationship. Wow. What peace. Do yourself the biggest favor of NC. I promise you will eventually feel preatty darn good about it.
Muldoon…just saw your post and I’m SO glad that site helped you and it is so nice of you to tell me. It has helped and is helping me a great deal. But what you’ve faced and what you still face is much more than I had to deal with and you are a STRONG woman who I have immense respect for!!! You are a great inspiration to everyone here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Without this site and the advice and now that other site I would still be creeping and crawling and walking on egg shells, what I have gotten from reading these mind blowingly accutae posts cannot be bought, it is priceless.
Kim..two years eh..well I would now be 8 months down the line and if I really go back to the first time I threw him out it would now be 16 months..I stupidly went back for more..like a dog returns to his vomit.
JAH – THANK YOU for your last post. See I initially was afraid to post here because I was also in the OW position, and guilty, and embaressed. Can’t spell today. Yeah, I was also a volunteer victim. Maybe even a deliberate victim. Without knowing how damaged I was from childhood emotional abuse.
I’m so happy for you that things worked out the way they did, and for your support here. I hope your healing comes strong and complete in time.
You had mentioned I must be strong. IDK, not sure I’d say strong. I do tend to see things in black and white. But sadly I think my strength came mostly from my fear. Fear of being disowned by my parents if I did get caught or even run away with the S – which I asked him to do about 3 times. And he wouldn’t. Fear about my in-laws disowning me, fear of church discipline, fear of losing friends — especially those who knew about my story w/ my first “S” about 7 years ago.
Yeah, I tried to rationalize it in my mind that we could have this on-line emotional affair, carry a torch for each other over the years, if we could keep it from getting physical (what a joke) we’d still be being “faithful” to our spouses. And he fed me this “wanting to drink you in small sips for the next 25 years”, that he’d be content with whatever bones I was able to throw him, and he’d never complain about that. In fact, he never suggested meeting – that was me…..so I’m not sure exactly what his real motive was, just to play with my mind, just to have live computer porn (on IM he had started getting more and more explicit with long monologes about what we’d do if we were “together”), or just to see what he could eventually get away with or take from me.
But then, of course, my emotions started to go haywire, when I couldn’t find him on IM at night – he always said he was working late – I think now that he probably hid his online status from me so he could talk to others, maybe. And when we did talk, I’d fantasize for the rest of the day on this “high”.
When he found me on FB, his profile was a picture of a TV charachter (I’ll leave out the details for confidentiality I guess). When I questioned him about it, he said he didn’t know how to load pictures (?) – his daughter had done it. But then he was able to put up a pic of himself and daughter. THEN, after we split, he made it a cartoon charachter, and a few weeks later, changed it to another TV character. Seems he needs to hide his identity so he can troll for more victims? Do you think?
I haven’t blocked him yet, just cause I haven’t needed to – he hasn’t bothered to contact me again – and also cause I’m curious if he ever will again. Maybe that’s not good, IDK.
OH, and I think that my experience with my first S – another long story but I did home daycare and a single dad came to church and I took on his son. He had a huge pity ploy w/ church as to his tortuous fight to gain custody of his son. We developed a friendship as I saw him twice a day every day, and then emails started. Then I developed feelings, and he completely twisted everything, used the word LOVE to play with my mind – he only meant it in the “Christian” sense of course… – anyways – he sent me back to my psychiatrist and I almost needed hospitalization. But we got the church and my family involved in this one and he went away for good – now he is married and is a “Christian” healing counselor (??!!!) scary – oh, and a pastor, too.
Anyways, I was wary cause I knew what that felt like and I was always questioning this S about his motives and he had to work hard to convince me he wasn’t like the first guy. Yeah, right.
Same dance, different song.
Kim – yeah the “friend” thing just burned my biscuits…..I know the best response is no response. Though I have a LOT I’d like to say, because we ended it on fairly civil terms, I played the morality card and he agreed with me and let it drop — from April 18 —– until Mother’s day.
Well, time for me to go home…