I recently had clinical contact with a client who left me with the unusually strong, immediate impression of “schemer,” “slick,” “full of crap.” He was instantly, aggressively ingratiating—less, I felt, from insecurity, as from ulterior motives, as if he were angling, at the outset, for an edge.
I had the uncomfortable feeling I get around intrusive salesmen who leave you feeling like an “object” from whom to extract a sale and commission.
I should mention that he was glib. Glibness is a trait often associated with certain sociopaths. My client was so glib, as a matter of fact, that for the first time in a long while the word “glib” actually popped into my head.
When I say “glib,” I don’t mean just fast-talking, which he was. He was shallow, too. And for me, the combination of smooth, fast talking, underlain by shallowness, really captures “glib.”
He was something of a schemer, and it was fascinating to observe him deny or dismiss rife evidence of his historical deceptiveness, abusiveness and double-standards. And he did so with a striking lack of shame, and with much audacity, along with irritation (arrogantly conveyed) to have to even deign to respond to the history.
Now I’d like to shift gears (abruptly), and say something about the psychopath’s (or sociopath’s) alleged “look,” or “stare,” which has been described anecdotally in the literature. Its most obvious form is characterized by a certain crazed intensity (note some of the existing photos of Ted Bundy, and other serial killers).
There are also, I suggest, other, subtler forms of this look. In any case what this “look” transmits (in any of its forms) is something elementally predatory. It has an evaluatively predatory quality.
I suspect that many of you have had the experience of being watched in this way?
It’s more than a feeling of being scrutinized, because all of us scrutinize each other, and clients should be scrutinizing their therapists.
It is more, I think, the quality, or motive, of the scrutiny—again, a predatory aspect that engenders the experience of feeling invaded, and “sized up,” “measured” for ulterior purposes.
At bottom, this is a type of “look” that leaves one feeling watched, studied as an “object.” One experiences the “watcher” as if he or she is calculating, “How much can I have my way with this person? How susceptible is this person to my present interests in him or her?”
My client had this “look.”
He was a “watcher,” and as he watched me, I often had the disconcerting sense that he was less interested in what I had to say, or what I was saying, than in using the time I was speaking to further his evaluation of my vulnerability.
This feeling with, experience of someone, can be a signal. It can signal that something predatory is brewing, or occurring.
I’ve called this the “feel” of a sociopath, because sociopaths sometimes (not always) can stir-up this sensation in those whose paths they’ve crossed, or lives they’ve entered. To be sure, not all sociopaths evoke this experience; but some do, and it can be an uncomfortable, and not easily articulated experience. Depending on the circumstances, it can even feel flatteringly seductive (if still uncomfortable).
Take, for instance, a blind/first-date scenario, in which the exploitative-minded individual approvingly, hungrily, invasively and audaciously sizes-up his date, leaving her feeling flattered (hungrily desired) while at the same time uneasy?
This “sizing up,” “measuring” process too often belies not a hunger for love, and connection, but of acquisition, possession and/or conquest.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Well since my run in with a psychopathic woman I have made it my mission in life to figure out the difference between the humans and the aliens . There are a few things that I have noticed that can decieve one into a misdiagnosis . First the predatory stare . Once one has been under the influence of a psychopath that person tends to look and observe people very intently especially if one happens to be in the presence of a suspected psychopath . This type of intense observation may be misinterpreted as the predatory stare of a psychopath , which it is not , but rather the defensive stare of a victim . I know this from a couple of experiences where I made someone feel quite uneasy because I thought I was dealing with a psychopath and later realised that I wasn’t .
In particular I had been studying a woman that worked at a local bar . I was attracted to her almost immediately , which instantly made me nervous , as psychopathic women in the past had been something that had always attracted me, until I realised what a psychopath was . At the same time psychopathic women seem to be attracked to me , which is a problem that I have yet to figure out .
Anyway , as time went by I got to know this woman bit by bit and the more I got to know, the more I was convinced she was a psychopath . At the same time I was also not convinced as I could not see the evil . She had lots of the personality traits that would indicate a psychopath . So what was going on here .
Well , by chance , one evening when I went into the bar with a friend ,she was not serving but was having a drink with a bunch of her friends . She invited us over to her rowdy table where it was obvious that everyone had been drinking for some time . We got to talk on a level that had never been possible before as she was usually serving and did not have time to get into any lengthy conversations .
As she became more comfortable with our conversation it was as if she had wanted to talk to me for some time . She basically spilled her guts about her life from when at 8 years old she was sexually asaulted by her step father . This abuse continued until she was 12 . After that her step father and her mother separated . the rest of her life was one of , one abusive relationship after another . It was as if she was attracked to psychopaths and could not break the pattern . She was now 46 and in an abusive relationship .
As she was telling me the story I began to see signs of emotion but she would not let it spill . She had disciplined herself not to show emotion . Her outward personality was of a tough independant woman . She was flambouyant on occasion , she also had the phoney laugh and seemed to like being the center of attention .
Initially when we had met there was some kind of connection , as time had passed she had tended to avoid me , until that evening . I suspect that the reason for the avoidance was my apparent study of her which had made her feel uneasy .
She is now way less guarded with me than before and in fact does not pull any of the phoney personality shit on me that she was doing initially .
In the end my diagnosis is that here was a woman who was using the personality traits usually attributed to psychopaths as a defense mechanism against the world and all the hell that it had dished up to her. She had probably learned these traits from the psychopaths she had encountered throughout her life . I guess my final point is that when looking for pschopaths be carefull that you don’t missdiagnose the victim as the psychopath as I almost did .
Yesterday was valentines day and a friend of mine new of a singing group that went around singing valentines . We hired them to sing at the bar for all the waitresses . Their she stood with a smile on her face that I had never seen before .
Quest: an overload of trauma can cause a hardening of emotions, where it is difficult to feel or express emotion. Or someone may adopt a stoic persona as a way to cope and discourage interaction with others.
You make an excellent observation. It’s important, with our new-found knowledge, that we stay connected to our hearts as we evaluate new people who come into our lives. I know that I’m far more observant of someone’s behavior over their words. If they say the right things, but don’t actually put themselves out at all to help someone else (with no expectation of reward), I pay very, very close attention.
How sweet that you were able to brighten up Valentine’s Day for the crowd.
Quest,
I’m always suspicious of people that “spill their guts” on a first meeting. Not because they are sociopaths, but I fear them being too needy. I tend to be very guarded about my past until I get to know someone and feel like I can trust them. Whenever I meet a guy, and he starts telling me right away about his childhood and all his past relationship, I go into sensory overload. I don’t want to hear about all of that right away.
The S/P played that just right: didn’t say too much, didn’t ask too much. He was so perfectly “normal” I should have suspected something.
I just shake my head. Why can’t they have pointed ears or hooves?
Matt said:
“…initially he put on a pretty good show in bed. And he was completely uninhibited, which was part of the draw. But, by the end I may as well been holding a slab of meat.”
the s I lived with was mr. 3x day, performance oriented, obsessed with giving oral sex, wanting it all the time. But in the same time there was some kind of weirdness too.
I was not very sexually experienced at that point, so I did not have a reference point. He just could not let go, it was rather mechanical. He made no sound during sex at all. He would push me to have sex even when I was sick.
Once I agreed to move in with him, he became disinterested in sex. First it was fine with me, since the constant sex was a bit much for my taste. Then he never initiated sex anymore. It was so odd. It took me months to get myself to the point of asking if there a problem. He completely dismissed the question, minimized it, ridiculed it.
After that I recoiled for a while, no sex for weeks and months. I have asked a few more times after that he would say things like “sex is over-rated” or “the realtionship changes, you cannot have the honeymoon phase all the time” He made me feel like the crazy nympho. The few times we had sex, he watched porn before hand or the sex was completely on his terms, he did not want to be touched or look like he enjoyed it. In fact he never looked like he enjoyed it. He was a machine, robot like, just SILENTLY doing the thing he was supposed to be doing, staring at me unblinking, with the goat eyes while he was doing it.
Btw, everything he did looked like he read it in a book and was following instruction. It’s like as if he was a martian that arrived to earth, put on human form and was trying to emulate human emotions by learning to move and imitate facial muscles from watching people on tv. He did the loving look to, he probably watched “it’s a wonderful Life” too much. Unfortunatelly no practicing will give you results if there is no emotion behind it.
Creepy!!!
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Rune says:
“A liar avoids eye contact” is a common myth. The more adept liars (we know who they are) are far more likely to use a friendly or assertive gaze to add more assurance of credibility to their lie.
greenfern , what you just wrote reminded me so much of my female X that I could have written the exact same words . That takes me back to the old question . What the hell are these things we call psychopaths . I am convinced that there is something somewhat less than human going on ,as they seem not to be male or female on some level . The alien concept seems to fit the bill as well or did some reptilian gene slip in there from somewhere ,or is it a genetic throw back to when we were neanderthals or some lesser form than that even . I wonder if there have been any genetic studies done on psychopaths . Maybe there was some chromosome damage or something or maybe a missing one , who knows
Quest,
There is research going on and if you will read some of Dr. Leedom’s articles you will see that there IS A GENETIC link as well as some environmental components.
In the identical twins study where they were separated at birth and reared in different homes, 80% of the time one was a psychopath, the other was as well, even though they grew up in different environments.
They are “hard wired” differently than non-psychopaths. Yes it is creepy and it sometimes does feel ike they are “not human” or completely human anyway. There are also various “degrees” of violence, with some being like Bernie Madoff the swindler on a grand scale, and others being Ted Bundy-like and serial killers. But ALL ARE TOXIC to those closest to them.
Forewarned is forearmed and I suggest that you learn all you can about them. Knowledge=power.
Greenfern: All his behavior is not about you. Do NOT take this personally. OMG — you sound so sweet and willing and innocent and sincere. What a creep he is. And you would have no way of knowing how creepy he is — which is why he would target you.
NOT YOUR FAULT.
I believe in “virginity by choice.” Now I’m joking, but not really. When we have been violated by someone, we should be able to hit the “rewind button” without shame, and erase their actions.
This person willingly chose to harm you, and you had no way to protect yourself. I am so glad that you are on this site, because you can be encouraged by others who have also been F/worked over, who didn’t deserve the treatment they got, either.
Congratulate yourself on being so very much smarter than the average “bear.” And please, please forgive yourself for not knowing what you really could not have known — that he was that much of a creep. Really. Not your fault.
OxDrover; Having been here only a few weeks and having read and read. There is no fixing the S (not referring to the grand scale ones, the more moderate S), is there? What about meds and counseling? They cannot be retaught how to act like compassionate normal people even though they are hard wired as you say above? Nothing will ever make a difference in them? Still learning and a newbie to this S thing, I used to call this just plain crazy.
Having this thought of an S and the whys of it, I googled “How to fix a sociopath” and found more reading, along with the information I have learned here. I guess I just want to believe that maybe just one of the population can be fixed. Yeah right. LOL.
I found this piece interesting quoted:
“Without Conscience” by Robert Hare, PhD.)
Since the entire cerebral cortex of a sociopath is almost never at a normal level of alertness (their waking brain waves resemble the waves of a normal person in a light sleep, alpha waves), this may be the crucial deficiency that cripples the developing child’s ability to develop many aspects of the human mind. As the child grows, some of the basic mental and emotional skills the rest of the world takes so for granted never develop, and crucial among these is the thing called conscience. That one never develops at all.