After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon.
This isn’t a surprising observation: Don’t like what you’re hearing (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame the messenger. Find an expectation oppressive (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame your partner as a nag, a bitch, or as insatiable.
Find it inconvenient to admit your deviousness or treachery? Blame the victim of your treachery for driving you into a corner and leaving you no choice (in other words, you betrayed me, before I betrayed you!).
For such individuals, blame becomes a reflex. It is often staggering to watch, as it suits their convenience in the moment, how they’ll switch it up and accuse a partner of something that they (not their partner) blatantly perpetrated.
Blame, in many of these cases, is often projected. By projected, I mean that the blamer (the aggressor) takes a feeling—say, guilt—and projects it onto his partner as, say, blame.
For instance, his guilt over an affair is projected as, “You drove me into her arms!” (In other words, I’m not guilty, but you should be!)
Should you challenge his twisted version of the truth, he may escalate his projecting along the lines of, “Don’t go pop psychology on me! There you go again, manipulating me with your pop psychology! You were a lousy wife, you treated me like shit, and so what the hell did you expect?! Shame on you! Take a look in the mirror, honey. You’re a loser!”
By now, a gaslighting effect risks emerging: disoriented by his vitriol and the seeming conviction of his accusations, you may begin to wonder, who’s crazy here? Him, as I once thought, or perhaps me?
Blame, of course, doesn’t always involve projection; sometimes the abuser’s contempt—that is, his devaluation of his target—is so great that, even while he’s consciously, lucidly aware that he violated you, he’ll blame you anyway.
This, of course, takes hubris. But what it most takes, as I just suggested, is a massive level of contempt. Consider the example of the individual who sexually assaults his victim and, fully recognizing the nature of his assault, nevertheless (and shamelessly) blames the victim, calling her a whore, saying she wanted it, she asked for it, she had it coming, what the hell did she expect?
My own view is that the sociopath, in general, has less need than the narcissist to “self-justify” his use of blame. His feeble conscience, which makes few, if any, demands of him, effectively enables and liberates the audacious expression of his contempt and self-centeredness.
I suspect this also explains (at least partly) how, knowing full well he’s been a scoundrel, the sociopath can look you in the eye with unabashed, naked contempt and brazenly endeavor to blame or lie his way out of accountability.
The comfort with which he can do this, the seeming absence of conflict, guilt and ambivalence with which he can blithely commit, and just as blithely deny, such exploitive behaviors, becomes a diagnostic indicator of his sociopathy.
(My use of “he” in this post was merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and disorders discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
TO ALL
Interesting information I found in the net. I though I would share with you all.
The serial bully, How to spot signs and symptoms of serial bullies, sociopaths and psychopaths, including the sociopathic behaviour of the industrial psychopath and the corporate psychopath
Types of serial bully: The Attention-Seeker, The Wannabe, The Guru and The Sociopath
“All cruelty springs from weakness.”
(Seneca, 4BC-AD65)
“Most organisations have a serial bully. It never ceases to amaze me how one person’s divisive, disordered, dysfunctional behaviour can permeate the entire organisation like a cancer.”
Tim Field
“The truth is incontrovertible; malice may attack it, ignorance my deride it, but in the end, there it is.”
Winston Churchill
“Lack of knowledge of, or unwillingness to recognise, or outright denial of the existence of the serial bully is the most common reason for an unsatisfactory outcome of a bullying case for both the employee and employer”
Tim Field
I estimate one person in thirty, male or female, is a serial bully. Who does the following profile describe in your life?
The serial bully:
-is a convincing, practised liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
-has a Jekyll and Hyde nature – is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature – only the current target of the serial bully’s aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as “charming” and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as “evil”; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act
excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive
– uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)
– is glib, shallow and superficial with plenty of fine words and lots of form – but there’s no substance
-is possessed of an exceptional verbal facility and will outmanoeuvre most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict
– is often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic
– relies on mimicry, repetition and regurgitation to convince others that he or she is both a “normal” human being and a tough dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon
– is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly
– cannot be trusted or relied upon
– fails to fulfil commitments
– is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old
– is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy
– exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behaviour and bodily functions; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or hints of sex discrimination and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse
– in a relationship, is incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy
– holds deep prejudices (eg against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc – prejudiced people are unvaryingly unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personality secret
– is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchability
– has a deep-seated contempt of clients in contrast to his or her professed compassion
– is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial personality disorder in their presence – but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually unknowledgeably) about anything they choose; serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity
– displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence
– shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn’t flow and arguments that don’t hold water
flits from topic to topic so that you come away feeling you’ve never had a proper conversation
– refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer
is evasive and has a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability
-undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully’s mask
– is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them
– is quick to discredit and neutralise anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors
– may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to held them accountable, perhaps using others’ resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organisations in pursuance of the vendetta
– is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account
– gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to
– is highly manipulative, especially of people’s perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)
– poisons peoples’ minds by manipulating their perceptions
– when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
– is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all
– often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
– is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation
– is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty
– is mean, stingy, and financially untrustworthy
– is greedy, selfish, a parasite and an emotional vampire
– is always a taker and never a giver
– is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)
– often fraudulently claims qualifications, experience, titles, entitlements or affiliations which are ambiguous, misleading, or bogus
– often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself
– knows the words but not the song
– is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication
– sometimes displays a seemingly limitless demonic energy especially when engaged in attention-seeking activities or evasion of accountability and is often a committeeaholic or apparent workaholic
Good morning everybody. It’s so nice to have a place to go to talk. I just wanted to mention, Stayingsane, that I too, suffer from morbid curiosity. I relapse a bit when it comes to talking to old mutual friends, They seem to derive a great deal of satisfaction from stirring the pot. so to speak. Am trying to detach from them. But about this morbid curiosity, I think it is because, I want to know just whats going on in his new relationship. I want to make sure he’s still doing “it” and I wasn’t just a fluke. Know what I mean? It’s not that I have any ill will toward her, I just want to know how long it will take her to flush him. ( I hear he’s already slept with her daughter. Her solution was to forbid them to be alone together. Good lord. She’s got a tough row to hoe.
Liked the metaphore about the river. I went white water rafting, years ago, and the first thing the guide saidwas if you fall out of the raft, don’t try to put your feet down, because the force of the water will send you ass over tea-cup. He said to just relax and let the water carry you. Well need less to say I fell out and guess what I immediatly did? YOu got it. I put my feet down. It’s all about trusting in a higher power.
Thanks for being here.
BTW I, foolishly registered here in my real name, and want to change that. How do I do it? Just re-regiter with an alias?
Stayinsane, Hi, I am typing this quickly as I am on my way to work, but you were asking about not discussing with others about the P? I think you asked Oxy, but for what its worth- my experience- UNLESS it is a long trusted friend of YOURS- dont play your cards at the hands of previous girlfriends or anyone besides tried and true family or friends that you have a history with. P’s brainwash everyone!! I would treat these people like I do my P son (sadly) as If I am standing next to a rattlesnake. CAUTION!
My X husband P had an x wife prior to me, we talked and shared stories for a short time when he and I divorced. She claimed how she DESPISED him- he abused her, porn addictions, theft, etc etc.. cookie cutter story of what I endured- THEN miracously HE got to her- she showed him a text I sent to her and she PLACED ME IN DANGER! I thought I was being cautious, but the mere contact with her, endangered my safety! Please dont put yourself thru that! TAKE care. xoxox Sorry, must run now, but will check back when I can!
Kim- You can probally email Donna and get her to help change it! Glad you are here!
Stayin sane- Oh you’d think with all that $$ he stold, your X would get some BOTOX for that wrinkle you said is on his forehead!!! lol
(I for one, am very scared for you to discuss your financials/personal info with these strangers, they could even inadvertently carry info back to your X- you may decide at some point to prosecute, as you are probally in exhaustion mode right now- dont tell anyone “without security clearance” in your life your plans. Hidden agendas are common with people that seem “unusually” caring or interested in your life who wouldnt be otherwise. PLEASE, vent here at a safe place- dont tell any one your name on here either. Better safe than sorry! all the best..
Brilhancy,
I copied and saved your post!!! I had for so long been trying to figure out a “diagnosis” of my egg donor, I ended up making up one and calling it “psychopath-by-proxy” because she does my P son’s bidding in trying to control me, D & D me etc. and trying to get me to go along and “pretend none of this happened”—SHE IS A BULLY!!!! She doesn’t fit ALL the above things, but SO MANY OF THEM IT MAKES MY HAIR STAND UP ON MY NECK.
My “confrontation” with her won’t be til sometime next week, and I REALIZE I will never be able to TRUST her, but maybe by backing her into a corner where she has only two choices, and one being TOTALLY EXPOSED AS A BULLY AND LIAR to ALL the people in her church and community whose opinion of her as a “sweet, kind, caring little Christian lady” (which I think is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO HER–HER MASK) maybe I can “Trump her ace”—will see, but if she continues to be the bully and liar, she might possibly even get kicked out of her church which would be the END of her world as she knows it.
Will keep you guys updated.
You knwo waht, he rang earlier and was answered by my daughterm, he didnt take the chance to say sorry, or miss you or anythimng..Just asked where I was and said would ring back. I hate the idiot.
Dear Muldoon,
Do you have “caller ID” on your phone like we have here in the states so you can see the number or person callilng?
You might consider telling your kids NOT to answer the phone, or if it is him, to not say anything, just HANG UP IMMEDIATELY. Also if possible keep a long of when he calls, date, time, etc. (in US this is recorded by phone companies)
Change the number if this is possible and get a private unlisted number and do not give it to anyone who will let him have it (be careful)
He is BEING FED by having the phone answered and talking to anyone there. CUT HIM OFF from that. Also, remember to SAVE and print out any TEXTS or any e mails he sends you, especially if theyare threats.
Does your order of protection allow him to call?
Frequent phone calls, especially frequently or at night at unreasonable times is also STALKING and HARASSMENT. SO you can use this as evidence that he is STALKING you. This is a FELONY in the US don’t know about Brits laws. Check on them.
I am so sorry you had to go through another beating to get it through your “thick skull” like Mary Jo buttofuoco. (That’s the title of her book) I wish you could read her book, I haven’t read it but know from the news what happened to her (shot in the head but lived) and still stayed with the JERK. I hope her book sells 10 million copies so people hopefully will see what these monsters are. From your prior descriptions of your own monster, I was soooo very afraid fo ryou when you went back to him last time. I KNOW YOU ARE STRONGER THIS TIME, though!!!
Just cut off ALL ways he has of reaching you or the kids because it FEEDS his need to control, just like last time. Hang on sweetie, you are doing it ONE STEP AT A TIME. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU ARE GETTING STRONGER BY THE DAY!!!! (((hugs))) and my prayers for your strength and safety! Oxy
HE’s NOT SORRY and HE DOESN”T MISS YOU…..
He’s focused on his mission of trying to FIND you, REACH you, get YOU back in HIS grasp. That’s all he needs is YOU back in HIS emotional territory so he can feed you the I love you’s the I miss YOu’s and reel you back in with keeping you off balance…….IT”S THEIR GAME!!!!
He can’t multitask his thinking when he speaks to daughter…..he’s too focused on HIS prize……
Why are you shocked at this……
YOU NEED TO GAIN YOUR STRENGTH AND STAY FOCUSED ON WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW!!!!
YOu can predict how this is going to go…….so stay dancing around him…..and have NO CONTACT.
He can speak to the law or your solicitor. THATS IT!!!!!
Find your strength and keep it close!
If he does get to you……those words will only be what YOU want to hear in your fantasy marriage. You know this……
BREAK THE CYCLE!
XXOO
Muldoon, trying to win is simply falling back into denial. It will inevitably result in the exact same argument You’ve already had a million times. It’s exhausting and he will love it. It means he’s still got you. It could be dangerous. If you have to, take it 5 minutes at a time and stay NC. Try to remind yourself that this is the only response he understands, and it tells him NO. That is his worst fear and your best revenge. I’m sending you white light for protection. Please take Erin and Oxy’s advise and do whatyou can to protect yourself.