After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon.
This isn’t a surprising observation: Don’t like what you’re hearing (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame the messenger. Find an expectation oppressive (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame your partner as a nag, a bitch, or as insatiable.
Find it inconvenient to admit your deviousness or treachery? Blame the victim of your treachery for driving you into a corner and leaving you no choice (in other words, you betrayed me, before I betrayed you!).
For such individuals, blame becomes a reflex. It is often staggering to watch, as it suits their convenience in the moment, how they’ll switch it up and accuse a partner of something that they (not their partner) blatantly perpetrated.
Blame, in many of these cases, is often projected. By projected, I mean that the blamer (the aggressor) takes a feeling—say, guilt—and projects it onto his partner as, say, blame.
For instance, his guilt over an affair is projected as, “You drove me into her arms!” (In other words, I’m not guilty, but you should be!)
Should you challenge his twisted version of the truth, he may escalate his projecting along the lines of, “Don’t go pop psychology on me! There you go again, manipulating me with your pop psychology! You were a lousy wife, you treated me like shit, and so what the hell did you expect?! Shame on you! Take a look in the mirror, honey. You’re a loser!”
By now, a gaslighting effect risks emerging: disoriented by his vitriol and the seeming conviction of his accusations, you may begin to wonder, who’s crazy here? Him, as I once thought, or perhaps me?
Blame, of course, doesn’t always involve projection; sometimes the abuser’s contempt—that is, his devaluation of his target—is so great that, even while he’s consciously, lucidly aware that he violated you, he’ll blame you anyway.
This, of course, takes hubris. But what it most takes, as I just suggested, is a massive level of contempt. Consider the example of the individual who sexually assaults his victim and, fully recognizing the nature of his assault, nevertheless (and shamelessly) blames the victim, calling her a whore, saying she wanted it, she asked for it, she had it coming, what the hell did she expect?
My own view is that the sociopath, in general, has less need than the narcissist to “self-justify” his use of blame. His feeble conscience, which makes few, if any, demands of him, effectively enables and liberates the audacious expression of his contempt and self-centeredness.
I suspect this also explains (at least partly) how, knowing full well he’s been a scoundrel, the sociopath can look you in the eye with unabashed, naked contempt and brazenly endeavor to blame or lie his way out of accountability.
The comfort with which he can do this, the seeming absence of conflict, guilt and ambivalence with which he can blithely commit, and just as blithely deny, such exploitive behaviors, becomes a diagnostic indicator of his sociopathy.
(My use of “he” in this post was merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and disorders discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I am being blamed by ex P’s mother of bringing trouble to her door (I did my best) and for scandalising her precious son’s reputation (telling the truth to everyone I could as I was being fleeced)
She has had a ‘nervous breakdown’ I feel miserable about that and if she gets sick or anything happens her it will be ‘my fault’ in the eyes of her P son not his…
Stayingsane. I am sorry to hear the pain you ex’s mother is going through, but you know that it is NOT your fault it is HIS. His sister sees it maybe, but if you take yourself ‘out of the loop’ completely, he will of course continue to behave the way he always does(they DO NOT CHANGE) and no one will be able to scapegoat you any more. Hopefully she will come out of denial, but dont hold your breath and fankley you should ask your self is this my problem or concern anymore. I think it would be good if you can now extricate yourself from the entire family completely and move on with you own life:) I dont know your sitch completely, or how easy that would be, but Sabrina is right to advise caution, I will go back and read your posts:) xxx Much love.
Stayingsane
Do not feel bad about that. Her son is probably what he is because his mother has always covered up for him. I know this because my ex mother in Law has also done this to her son, protecting his wrong doing (and later on begging me to accept him back). Instead of your mother in law to get angry with her son for the things he has done in life, it is easier for her to blame others…and in doing this her son keeps carrying on with his disgusting behavior. What about her daughter…didn’t him cause her to miscarriage?… and what is his mother’s position in relation to that? DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about her…..Her son needs to be exposed…..she is trying to cover up for him and he knows that…
You have not done anything wrong..you are only protecting yourself and claiming what is yours… (your money).
Please do not feel guilty…because to make you feel guilty is also part of their game..
Stayingsane,
Dang, I can so remember when I was (about a year or less ago) going thru the horror of coming to grips with my reality- and speaking with the X-P’s family. His x wife, his sister in law, even his Dad, who saw the truth. Right or wrong-It gave me so much validation- like you said- the X wife and I laughed so hard at him being such an idiot.
I knew she had an evil streak -dysfunctional in several ways,but in talking with her, it was some kind of weaning/breaking from him process that I thought I needed. I was N/C with the P almost from the very day I got him out of my home with the protection order.
Looking back now, spending hours talking, sharing with her, was like 2 captives being in a pit together. However, I took a different path from her- one of breaking FREE, and allowing/asking God to heal me.(It’s a journey…sometimes one step forward, and 2 back, )
Maybe for a short time, I needed those people(his people) to help work thru my pain in some way- even tho , As I said, she(the former x wife- turned against me in the end and used my words against me to the P. I was never surprised at that, actually- in fact, I had an innate sense that she would Benedict Arnold (traitor) me!.
The P still had her in “the pit” years after their divorce. She emotionally was incarcerated by him- Desparately NEEDED his approval and validation still- even tho she had re married, she was emotionally and physically addicted to him and the sick games he played with her.
For a time, I became in a sense- “addicted” to her, and the sister-in-law- they were the continuam (sp?) of the P. The connection or extension of him in my mind.
I went thru a sense of “mourning” when without any warning, both of them dropped out of my life. Didnt return or take my calls, or emails. I was in a sense re-traumatized.
Honestly, at times, I fight the urge to want to speak to them-for validation maybe? Morbid curiousity?-
I now realize I created a trauma bond of sorts with his family/ and X.
It is not productive- even dangerous to my healing now to be in contact with these people. I now feel, that God took these people away for a reason.
My prayers to begin to heal were answered, as God knew I could not keep “ripping off the bandage slowly, one inch at a time– It was time to put my faith and trust in the right things, the right people, and lean on the Lord for my salvation.
I do believe these people had a place and reason for being in my path at the time. It helped my sanity- I just never would of known when to pull the plug and let it be dead and gone. It took their betrayal and indifference to me to break my self- destructive pattern of being in “victim mode” with them.
Be careful,and protective, stayingsane of YOUR heart, and fragile emotions at this time. If you pray to God for healing-Dont despair when God removes people from your life- be thankful that he sees what we dont, and knows far more than our finite minds can comprehend.. know that He cares for you and has great, and beautiful plans for you- if only by faith, we trust and allow them to come to pass.
Take care, and know we are ALL here for you! We got yo back, girlfriend!!!!
blueskies
On extricating myself from the whole family…I would feel so alone without anyone. Even “them”and the drama…the trauma bond has to be better than nothing at the moment…I feel so close to his sister in her pain and what he has done to her…his mother always took everything out on her and He got away with it! and his ex girlfriend prior to me..we spent 3 hours talking and I felt closer to her than my own family…..I know you are right..and i actually think getting away clean break is the best option…I have nothing but a trauma bond keeping me there (and a sick twisted satisfaction I am frightening My ex P)
Brillhancy
yes just like your mother in law she never gets angry with him..so any woman getting angry is experienced as not normal to him…yet she got angry with her daughter all the time….I don’t feel so much guilty as just miserable…she is such a “victim” mentality and I know her son couldn’t care less about her deep down….does she know this? is that what she won’t see? I need to protect myself….as you did ….damn right, the one bit of closeness i’ve felt for a while was with his ex girlfriend and his sister…I hate hearing I need to extricate myself from the 2 people who know so well…but i keep feeling danger about it without knowing what….I guess that his sister will go back to him in the end…
Sabrina
yes I’m getting huge validation from hanging out in the fall out from my ex P…his sister saying things about him that only I know….and his ex girlfriend who hasn’t spoken to him in 4 years…yet there she was with tears in her eyes describing how he abandoned her with a mortgage they shared and a dog…and there is no doubt another woman lined up to be lied to again…so yes I need to be with them talking, hugging and sharing the stress. They were so comforting and just knew so well the way he operates….I could feel my sense of reality get stronger in their presence….yet there is something a bit off about it too….
You say the former ex wife turned against you in the end…God…another betrayal! I wouldn’t be surprised if the sister did, yet she has moved to the other side of the world to be away from him and the mother…..oh who knows…
Yes to the morbid curiosity..I’m drawn to the rawness of the situation….and I feel as if nothing could hurt me as bad…and nice ordinary things arn’t stimulating enough…I need the crazy conversations…that’s a bit sick don’t you think? but I did get addicted to something in it all…yeauck! I will let go and let God……thanks for being here for me…..this is a precious dialogue that just helps me move to a better place!!! yes 2 captives in a pit…ha ha no not productive even dangerous….I can sense it….
Brilhancy, your post on the serial bully was a HUGE help to me! My narcopath daughter, D., {now 45} ticks practically every box in this blog, and my other daughter,C,{43} fits them all!{She is the control freak manipulater par excellence!} it has really helped me to see what these two disfunctional people that I had the misfortune to give birth to, {and who, like Oxys son were normal, loving kids to around the age of 12} I now see , really see and feel in my bones,water, spirit, every part of me that these people are BAD NEWS, they areNOT like me in any shape or form, and my only solution is to stay NC with both of them. Not hard with the younger one, C., as she has kept me NC for 17 years.I printed out this article, and underlined in yellow texta pen every point in common with D. and it was virtually ALLof them.Ive been NC with the older one for around 2 monthsnow, and its getting easier.It seems that they NEVER CHANGE, unlike even alcoholics or drug addicts who at least CAN change if they want to enough. I seenow that these people are wired differently from us relatively “normal” people.As Oxy says, malignant HOPE does NOT serve you when in your heart you know they wont change. Hope keeps you stuck, hope keeps you in denial, hope keeps you bleeding from your secret wound. Accepting this reality, ie, they Will not change, {unless God somehow works a miracle!} is allowing this bleeding to dry up, for a scab to form,{unles I keep picking off the scab, LOL!!} I felt like the woman in the bible with an “issue of blood”, except my blood was invisible, it was my constant craving, yearning, giving, hoping theyd love me, change, be nice to me. NOPE! Didnt happen. So maybe now my secret wound will be able to dry up and heal, if I leave it alone, and dont pick at it!!It also says in the Bible, “Hope deferred maketh the Heart sick!” My heart sure was sick, sick and tired of giving without end to thankless cruel ingrates. NO MORE! From now on I will give my love to people who love and appreciate me Back, such as my dear husband, and my loving sweet, Iranian adult “kids” who shower us both with love, kisses, hugs, and affection. They came over for lunch yesterday. Abbas did some gardening for me, I was very hesitant to ask him, but he said, Mum,I love to help you! I am your son! I would do anything for you and Dad! And I love gardening-we have no garden! Please, let me do this for you!” I can see now that he NEEDS to give something Back, and wants to. something Ive never, ever experienced with my 2 girls. I see now that D. and I have been starved of affection and hugs for 25 years, and boy, are we lapping it up! Roya said yesterday, “Mama, we thank god for you and daddy every day!” I said, “Darling girl, we do the same! “God has taken away my thankless brats and given me a new loving son and daughter. I am so happy and grateful, I can actually FEEL my broken heart starting to knit together!!I know you are all happy to hear some good news, and share in my joy. Much love, GemXX.As one door closes, another opens!
ITA with Gemini Girl! Brilhancy’s post on the serial bully was a great resource. While many of us could just repalce serial bully with N/S/P when we were reading that list, I found it to be a great list to print off to help someone else who might not be too open to the N/S/P label for her ex right now. serial bully seems to be a term she can handle given she where she is on the post S/N/P healing journey. I printed the list for her and said every time you think the new wife/girlfriend is getting the best of the man you loved remember that she’s also getting all of the things on this list as well!!!
Thanks for sharing!
StayinSane,
I can relate so closely to the pure RELIEF of your validation with his sister, and the x g.f. You are right, you feel closer (trauma bonded) no doubt with the others ( victims). THe comaradity is powerful. As crazy as it sounds, when either the sister in law or the x wife of my x P called, I stopped everything- no matter what was at stake- work, kids, etc. to answer that “life line.” As you are feeling, I had a gut instinct that this was “off”, not quite right, or I was waiting for the fallout-BUt likended to an addiction, I couldn’t stop reaching out to them. The adrenalin rush of being understood, in common company, and
with kindred spirits of such , was like medicine to a sick person. I weighed my options- this could be a time bomb about to blow up in my face- sort of like being in an enemy camp. The P will get enormous satisfaction (N supply) from ALL the women talking about him,(BAD), he would know that he was still causing hurt and immense pain (BAD) BUT my reality was that darn it, I needed to be heard!
I wanted to comfort/help this weaker girl who had not gotten free from him (not reality- I could barely hold me up at the time.) But I was getting alot of comfort as well- momentarily.
Take what you can from the support offered, know that this mental sanctuary has a beginning and an end. Short lived and never give too much away as for your future plans. I have read that we sometimes have that “thrill seeking” need after being with a P for so long. Others may have more to add to that. I just know that the pain is so deep, that you will do anything for momentary relief. You are smart and strong and aware, BUT in knowing that at this stage, you are vulnerable- keep some things to yourself- rant and rave, laugh, or cry- but dont be too specific with personal facts. Like you said, I experienced another bizarre betrayal when the girls cut off contact. THe P warned, threatened his X wife with no telling what, and let the sister in law know that he knew she had talked behind his back. They might have been scared, tricked into giving up information- but regardless, it happened!
I indulged myself by throwing caution to the wind to some degree by buddying up with these girls, but I cant say that I regret it. You deserve all the support that you can get. Just heed those “red flags” if you feel them! xoxo
GeminiGirl, Good to hear your posts! I smiled when I read what your “iranian kids” you affectionately call them said to you! I know from a mothers heart how your heart much have leapt when they said such beautiful things. I have a P son (20) and as many already know have been thru alot of pain with him. My only peace happened when I let go of the denial, accepted the ugly truth, and gave him over to God with my prayers. Really strange- I am basically NC with my son- he calls today asking for the name of a therapist I tried to take him to years ago. I said, I cant remember the name of the therapist, I just remember that you didnt wanna go , and tried to jump out of the car. I said it in a monotone, non emotional way, then I asked him why he needed the therapist name. He says mom, I just want the name. I never pushed for any more info from him. We hung up. I used to say ” I love you” to him every time we speak- IS it wrong BUt the pain in saying it is so strong- I have stopped saying it. I feel guilty for not saying it to him- BUt it opens a wound for me everytime. I wanna cry its so painful.But is it wrong not to tell him- I laughed when you referred to yours as “thankless Brats”- my feeling for mine EXACTLY!! lol Meanwhile, I am clueless as to why in his disilusionment he wants a therapist. Probally to spew venom about how crazy he thinks his mom is, his girlfriend, his Dad, and EVERYONE thats not hIm!
Stayinsane,
This connection with your sister in law and the ex of your ex is a normal stage of your healing process. It is OK to contact them for you to get stronger. Use anything for your survival and winning time. I did that too …you are struggling for your emotional survival and it is Ok but keep in mind that on the long run a NC will be better.. you will know when the time for NC is up. You are leaving through a trauma and anything to help you or to make you feel better will help you at the end. just keep getting stronger and use anything in your power or available to you for you to get better.
Hi there Son,
Long time no hear…
How things going with you and down under? Hope you got back home safelly despite the swine flu…
I am writing to say g’day and to ask you a favor.
I need to buy an extra-high compression singlet that is made by a company in Australia. It is for my posture. I completelly understand if you would rather not do it. But, let me know if you could, please.
It costs AUD$99-00 bucks plus shipping expenses. I have no way of sending you the money. Ill have to pay you on your next visit to Brazil.
Well if you could do it, plese let me know.
Be good and stay good, Son.
Cheers, mate!