After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon.
This isn’t a surprising observation: Don’t like what you’re hearing (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame the messenger. Find an expectation oppressive (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame your partner as a nag, a bitch, or as insatiable.
Find it inconvenient to admit your deviousness or treachery? Blame the victim of your treachery for driving you into a corner and leaving you no choice (in other words, you betrayed me, before I betrayed you!).
For such individuals, blame becomes a reflex. It is often staggering to watch, as it suits their convenience in the moment, how they’ll switch it up and accuse a partner of something that they (not their partner) blatantly perpetrated.
Blame, in many of these cases, is often projected. By projected, I mean that the blamer (the aggressor) takes a feeling—say, guilt—and projects it onto his partner as, say, blame.
For instance, his guilt over an affair is projected as, “You drove me into her arms!” (In other words, I’m not guilty, but you should be!)
Should you challenge his twisted version of the truth, he may escalate his projecting along the lines of, “Don’t go pop psychology on me! There you go again, manipulating me with your pop psychology! You were a lousy wife, you treated me like shit, and so what the hell did you expect?! Shame on you! Take a look in the mirror, honey. You’re a loser!”
By now, a gaslighting effect risks emerging: disoriented by his vitriol and the seeming conviction of his accusations, you may begin to wonder, who’s crazy here? Him, as I once thought, or perhaps me?
Blame, of course, doesn’t always involve projection; sometimes the abuser’s contempt—that is, his devaluation of his target—is so great that, even while he’s consciously, lucidly aware that he violated you, he’ll blame you anyway.
This, of course, takes hubris. But what it most takes, as I just suggested, is a massive level of contempt. Consider the example of the individual who sexually assaults his victim and, fully recognizing the nature of his assault, nevertheless (and shamelessly) blames the victim, calling her a whore, saying she wanted it, she asked for it, she had it coming, what the hell did she expect?
My own view is that the sociopath, in general, has less need than the narcissist to “self-justify” his use of blame. His feeble conscience, which makes few, if any, demands of him, effectively enables and liberates the audacious expression of his contempt and self-centeredness.
I suspect this also explains (at least partly) how, knowing full well he’s been a scoundrel, the sociopath can look you in the eye with unabashed, naked contempt and brazenly endeavor to blame or lie his way out of accountability.
The comfort with which he can do this, the seeming absence of conflict, guilt and ambivalence with which he can blithely commit, and just as blithely deny, such exploitive behaviors, becomes a diagnostic indicator of his sociopathy.
(My use of “he” in this post was merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and disorders discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
HI Blueskies,
thank you for all your wonderful advice. I know it all, Ive read it over and over AND I MUST PRACTICE IT.
The memories are killing me. What to do with 10 years of photos ? what to do with 10 years of music. I will redecorate, I am in int. designer. That is not a problem.
BUt to redecorate in my head. There isnt a day that there isnt a memory. I have a month or two that is good, then it all comes flooding back. I become numb, I neglect my home, my kids I start smoking again. Then Im ok again. I talk to myself often telling myself all these things, and yet I can’t accept who he is and what he did. As far as therapists go YOU MUST BE KIDDING ! .. they look at ME, like I am nuts. I have searched and searched and searched for someone local that understands without success !.. I feel like this will never leave me, and I know we should never say never !!!! SIGHS… I feel stupid and weak and that I am NOT. My life was wonderful before meeting him, I was always happy go lucky and trusting. I have learnt a lot. I so want him exposed… the fact that he can just cut it and go.. no words, no decent ending…. just GONE. like nothing mattered.. all the promises, all the dreams.. I was so damn gullible.
thanks again to all of you. You are so wonderful.
xxx No you should never say never! That’s the depression and ‘skewed thinking’ talking lady:( Your life WILL be wonderful again! you have to believe that. I am came off antidepressant (in a controlled way with my GP) and now just take St.John’s wort and other vitamins. I feel like I am moving in slow motion , but every day I feel closer to fine, every day I NOTICE a way in which I am becoming ‘me’ again and smile:) have you tried CBT? It helps you re-jig the WAY you think about things, here is a free on-line course that might be of some help.:)x http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
You know you’re going to have to work HARD to beat this, I know you do, but I hope you know that you CAN too:)xxx
The photos: you bin.
The music: You reclaim as your own or bin.
and re-decorating your head is possible!! (love that analogy!)xx
He’ll never be able to re-decorate his bleak and shoddy head he might put a bit of bright and fancy wall paper up on the outside but it always peels off to reveal the rotten plaster and mould hidden underneath!(look at me go with the metaphors!)xxxxx
and another thing!(sorry I am on a rant now;)xx when you talk about being in a ‘cycle’ of doing well and slipping back… it again reminds me of the quit smoking campaign poster… NEVER QUIT QUITTING! ( or dont stop stopping or dont give up giving up or something like that lol!) even if you fall ‘back’ you mustn’t stop trying:)xxx
Whether you fall, means nothing at all, its whether you get up….xxx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bmuV_f8I6Y
blueskies,
you are too funny!! are you in Melbourne ?
he is just like smoking… know its bad for you.. but you keep craving ! I gave up for 2 weeks recently went back, makes me sick .. now Im off the smokes AGAIN. It feels great , I feel a million dollars, then I have a bad day and its the first thing I reach for. I always knew he wasnt good for me, but just like a cult, he got me. Manipulation to the max. I kept making excuses for him, and it went on and on until he had me right where he wanted me. Thats when he left one Sunday in March 2006… i went out and when I got back he was GONE. 2006 i was hitting the walls. My ex husband had a massive stroke and is STILL a vegetable. I am strong. I lived through hell, and still am in a way. I put up such a good front, but dont get much “joy” from life, even tho I have a fantastic job, great kids, a beautiful family and friends I could not replace. But its in my head over and over and over again. How could someone control me so much ???????? how could I, me, be so f……….d up by some lunatic. I know it all, I have done so so so much research into this, and yet I still want revenge. Its so damn futile, all this time wasting over someone that should be so insignificant. I know ITS OVER, I know he has easily moved on. That is exactly what I grieve, that I am left here to lick my wounds on my own. (well not really… you guys help lick them too !!).. aaaaahhh the madness. once again thanks for all your wonderful words blueskies… i will keep them all on the top of my brain when I am feeling so frustrated. !!!!!!! cheers!!
Dear Skylar,
Let me address your last post above about “not questioning” the church no matter what, or even a priest’s behavior.
I was not raised catholic but just as repressive a stance as far as religion, and my egg donor was my “priest” (the only one who could “talk to God” or who could know His mind as she put her own interpretations on to scriptures.”
It took me 60 years to learn that she was WRONG, that God is love, not hate, and that I can read His word myself, and the funny thing is, reading the Bible with an OPEN MIND has released me from her teachings of anger and vengence and control. It has also released me from the stress, the questioning, etc from ANY other earthly human standing between God and me. My faith and my spirituality have changed, I no longer am terrified of the angry vengeful God my mother worships, but am connected to the loving God I now see is not a celestual psychopath “out to get me.” God bless your healing!
Oxy, the gospel of Jesus has always been a source irrefutable wisdom for me, more so than the church teachings. But there is one thing Jesus said that I can’t get to mesh with my experience with the P.
“Turn the other cheek.”
How is this a good thing when it comes to P’s? It isn’t really a statement about forgiveness. it seems to be a statement about boundaries. With my boundary setting skills so severly compromised, I’m not sure what to think about this quote.
Dear Skylar,
I have discussed this verse with many very learned and wise Christians of several differnt denominations….and here is MY conclusion.
1) no one verse or part of a verse can be taken out of context
2) any verse can be used for wisdom
3) it might mean different things at different times/circumstances
4) all verses should be used together to get a GENERAL OVERVIEW of how we are to treat others AND to conduct ourselves.
People frequently quote the verse about “nnot judging others” but first, what IS “judging”—obviously a judge does it, but what does it really mean in terms of OUR behavior or thinking.
To me “judging” is trying to figure out what someone is THINKING, or looking at their clothing (or race or age, or any other modifier) and saying within myself “Oh, he is black, therefore he is evil” or “She is dressed in a way i find offensive” therefore she is a slut. I cannot read her mind to “judge” her—maybe she is on her way to a play and that is her costume, or maybe the young black man is a fine christian man—I cannot tell a “book by its cover”
However, Jesus also taught us that “by its FRUIT ye shall know the tree”—in other words, the BEHAVIOR, the things that come of someone, the things they do—we can look at that and see what kind of a person they are. We don’t have to judge by “mind reading” we can SEE for ourselves plainly.
For example, let’s say I SEE that same young man smashing into a car and takign something and running off—I can see that it is likely he is a THIEF.
Let’s say the young woman is “trolling for dates” on the street and I see her taking money for sex and going off into the alley with her john. I can SEE what kind of person she is. I don’t have to imagine.
Turn th e other cheek, I THINK, means to don’t always respond aggressively to any verbal or “slap on the face” attack. Also “a soft answer turneth away wrath” so sometimes our friends or family or someone else gets angry and “slaps” us, and we should NOT respond back with anger or aggression immediately.
However, Jesus and Paul both told us “if ye have aught against your brother (and I think this inclueds family, other christians and everyone) go to him privately and talk to him. If that doesn’t work, go back with witnesses (In this case I think it would include anyone you had a problem with) and if that doesn’t work, bring it before the church. and if that doesn’t work, then treat him like a heathern not even to EAT WITH him.” the purpose of this was stated, including the “shunning” as to bring them to repentence, and I think that last one includes only fellow Christians as I don’t thinnk a non believer would respond to “the church’s opinion” very well.
To me, that “treat them like a heathern” and “not even to eat with them” shows NO CONTACT after you have done the best that you can to heal the problem. I think that it means that WE as Christians should be not “easily angered” but that when someone is doing wrong things to us, we should do the best we can to settle it, then if it can’t be settled, if their hearts are hardened against us and they are not repentent for what they have done, etc. that we don’t keep on trying to make them see, that at some point we NO LONGER associate with or TRUST them.
Jesus was angry, and He said “be ye angry and sin not” so anger itself I think was and is and should be viewed as a normal, natural response to injustice—to others or to ourselves. Jesus also said “let not the sun go down upon your wrath”–wrath is a viscious, burning, vengeful anger that eats at US and doesn’t hurt the other person unless we strike back at the person we feel wrathful toward (il.e. revenge) and the thoughts of revenge which may be natural but not necessarily “good for” us, should be and can be controlled if we work at it.
“Pray for those that abuse you.” It is hard to do. I did it but I did NOT mean a single word of it I was so angry, so wrathful, but eventually I could mean it, and my anger, wrath etc. quieted down. However, I have to fight it daily that it does not rear its ugly head again if I thinnk about the past abuse and let myself get “worked up” about it.
I am not setting myself up as any “model” Christian, because I have a llllloooong list of faults and bad attitudes, it is just that I am WORKING on them, and recognizing them in myself as much as I can. Trying to do better.
I was “religious” and believed in God prior to all of this mess, but I realized I had no SPIRITUAL connection to the Bible or God. God to me was this angry psychopathic diety who my egg donor had taught me to FEAR, not love. She had given him this angry countence and attitude just waiting to zap me for “sinning”—-now I no longer feel “religious” but I feel a connectedness and a spiritual connection with a LOVING heavenly father, and the wisdom in His word. I also have read the sacred writings of other belief systems and there are also good things in how we should treat ourselves and our fellow men in those writings, as well as some philosophy etc.
We can learn from so many sources. I have also come to the conclusion that letting any ONE else “interpret” your spiritual connection, whatever your belief system is, is not a good idea. That is what happens in Cults, like the “Reverend” Tony Alamo’s cult where he persuaded these people to allow him to marry their 9 year old daughters into “plural marriages.”
I enjoy discussing philisophy and spirituality and the Bible’s teachings with others, but while I am happy for them to have their beliefs and opinions, I do not take any ONE person’s ideas as “gospel” but listen to the opinions of many people and read for myself and make my own interpretation of what I find in a scripture.
I read widely from the literature and opinions of many denominations of believers, and from many different writers, but do not believe that any ONE person has a direct pipelilne to God’s word and ONLY they can “hear” God’s voice—like alamo told his cult followers. The Bible tells us that there will be “false prophets” arise “among you” and that they will lead of multitudes, so I think it behooves all of us believers to “search the scriptures daily” so that we can know for OURSELVES what is right!
I have read a lot of the old testement stories in a new light since I have “seen the light” about psychopaths—and saw Joseph’s testing of his brothers when they showed up in Egypt instead of just revealing himself to them immediately as a model for us. When people have done bad things to us, and we forgive them (get the bitterness out of our hearts toward them) it does NOT mean that we must also IMMEDIATELY start to TRUST them again and give them another chance at hurting us, but TEST them over time and see how “sincere” they are (by looking at their BEHAVIOR –fruit– to see how sincere they are in their repentence.
This is good advice for anyone, not just for Christians, I think, and there are many other wise examples in the scriptures. The book of Proverbs is a long list of wise sayings about how we should behave that will work for good to anyone who takes them to heart and tries to live by those good sense rules.
Everyone here I think can take away from their experience with the psychopaths learning that will better our lives, help us improve ourselves, our happiness, and our PEACE. I advice to anyone is to look inward to your own spirituality and use that as a salve to help you heal and grow, to keep you safe and make you whole. Peace (((hugs))) and my prayers for all of us.
Dear Skylar, you addressed this to Oxy and she gave you a good answer from her experience.
My answer is a little different because, like you, the gospel of Jesus has “always been a source irrefutable wisdom for me, more so than the church teachings.” I was fortunate to have wise spiritual leaders from the beginnng of my life and was encouraged in my questioning.
However, for some reason it never occurred to me to question “Turn the other cheek” as well as “Forgive 70 times 7” and “Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” I followed these faithfully throughout my long “marriage.”
It wasn’t until I actually internalized (fairly recently) the meaning of II Timothy 5:1-5 AFTER I had escaped that I realized I had been WRONG, WRONG, WRONG to have stayed and endured so much and for so long. My instincts had told me the truth but I didn’t listen to them.
And I can’t turn back the clock — can only accept that God loves me anyway- wrinkles, warts and all- and take my experiences and learn from them.
It is incredible how much more I have learned from this site, its articles, links, and comments of other posters! Each day I feel more and more blessed as new insights, like aha moments, light my path.
Skylar, as to your question, “How is this a good thing when it comes to P’s?” I have come to believe that it is NOT a good thing with P encounters. We are supposed to “wipe the dust from our feet” and get away from them!!!!
At least that is my current understanding of your question. What do you think?