After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon.
This isn’t a surprising observation: Don’t like what you’re hearing (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame the messenger. Find an expectation oppressive (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame your partner as a nag, a bitch, or as insatiable.
Find it inconvenient to admit your deviousness or treachery? Blame the victim of your treachery for driving you into a corner and leaving you no choice (in other words, you betrayed me, before I betrayed you!).
For such individuals, blame becomes a reflex. It is often staggering to watch, as it suits their convenience in the moment, how they’ll switch it up and accuse a partner of something that they (not their partner) blatantly perpetrated.
Blame, in many of these cases, is often projected. By projected, I mean that the blamer (the aggressor) takes a feeling—say, guilt—and projects it onto his partner as, say, blame.
For instance, his guilt over an affair is projected as, “You drove me into her arms!” (In other words, I’m not guilty, but you should be!)
Should you challenge his twisted version of the truth, he may escalate his projecting along the lines of, “Don’t go pop psychology on me! There you go again, manipulating me with your pop psychology! You were a lousy wife, you treated me like shit, and so what the hell did you expect?! Shame on you! Take a look in the mirror, honey. You’re a loser!”
By now, a gaslighting effect risks emerging: disoriented by his vitriol and the seeming conviction of his accusations, you may begin to wonder, who’s crazy here? Him, as I once thought, or perhaps me?
Blame, of course, doesn’t always involve projection; sometimes the abuser’s contempt—that is, his devaluation of his target—is so great that, even while he’s consciously, lucidly aware that he violated you, he’ll blame you anyway.
This, of course, takes hubris. But what it most takes, as I just suggested, is a massive level of contempt. Consider the example of the individual who sexually assaults his victim and, fully recognizing the nature of his assault, nevertheless (and shamelessly) blames the victim, calling her a whore, saying she wanted it, she asked for it, she had it coming, what the hell did she expect?
My own view is that the sociopath, in general, has less need than the narcissist to “self-justify” his use of blame. His feeble conscience, which makes few, if any, demands of him, effectively enables and liberates the audacious expression of his contempt and self-centeredness.
I suspect this also explains (at least partly) how, knowing full well he’s been a scoundrel, the sociopath can look you in the eye with unabashed, naked contempt and brazenly endeavor to blame or lie his way out of accountability.
The comfort with which he can do this, the seeming absence of conflict, guilt and ambivalence with which he can blithely commit, and just as blithely deny, such exploitive behaviors, becomes a diagnostic indicator of his sociopathy.
(My use of “he” in this post was merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and disorders discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I suppose it means not to seek justice, because God will provide. His knowledge is greater than ours and he sees further than we do. I just don’t feel comfortable with such passivity and I’m having a hard time with it.
Speaking of which. I posted a question to Matt for legal advice on a different thread and I can’t find it.
It appears a couple of my posts are gone. I wonder if I’m saying inappropriate things and the moderator is removing them? Or is there a problem with the site? I don’t want to bhope I wasn’t offensive but maybe I said something inappropriate? Maybe because I posted names? They weren’t names you couldn’t find anywhere on the internet, so I’m not sure. If anyone has insight into why my posts disappeared, please let me know.
I think, “turn the other cheek” means, in addition to Everything Oxy said, that we should not allow ourselves to remain emotionally handicapped, or hardened in the sence that we can never be vulnerable to another human being again. Does that make any sense?
Oxy, I loved your response to Skylar especially “4) all verses should be used together to get a GENERAL OVERVIEW of how we are to treat others AND to conduct ourselves.”
I can sure admit that even though I read the Bible daily since I learned to read that in my “marriage” I sure didn’t ever get the GENERAL OVERVIEW, which included II Timothy 5:1-5 in regards to my “marriage.”
I think we posted over each other so I didn’t see your description of “judging.” I don’t disagree about knowing “a tree by its fruits” and observing behaviors.
Yet, I have to disagree about figuring out how people “think” as a basis for any conclusion. I truly don’t think that is possible, do you?
As I think about that, it may be possible in a real-life and long-time encounter where obvious behavior illustrates a person’s thinking but is it ever possible without personal encounters — with all the other forms of communication, i.e., body language, gestures, facial expressions, etc?
I think it is easy to “judge” the thinking of others on a site such as this just because the other forms of real-life communications are missing. Do you agree?
It seems to me that this aspect is the drawback of sites like this one — (although it is the best of its kind, IMO.)
Kim, I think your interpretation makes a lot of sense!
But, then, that leads into Skylar’s mention of boundaries. How do boundaries fit into the equation? Those are what still puzzle me.
ANewLilly, Yea the boundry thing. Well, maybe it’s a good thing we only have two cheeks. Ha.
I have 4!
skylar, I guess, after you’ve turned the other cheek once, if you have to do it again, we all know what they can do with the last two.
KIM! ROTFLMAO!!!! Yea, we do know what they can do with the other two.
Jesus himself did not fight back on his abusers at the crucifiction and so on, but it was God’s will that he be “meek” and not resist. Howerver, that said, Jesus DID stand up to the Pharisees in the temple, he did stand up for right, and there were times when He knew they were trying to trap him to kill him BEFORE the time they did and he “disappeared” into the crowd and they couldn’t find him to grab Him. So, NO I do not think God or by Jesus’ example wants us to allow our selves to be abused by any one.
The discussion of the swine and the pearls is a good one and i have used this here on LF many times.
Having grown up around hogs, which are quite willing and capable of literally DEVOURING a human who is totally ill equipped to fight one off if it a larger one, say 200 pounds. There is NO where you can hit them and hurt them. In times when hogs were allowed to roam free, they have literally killed and eaten many a man, woman or child. they also go in herds or packs.
Jesus said “cast not your pearls before swine.” Obviously he was talking about our GOOD THINGS, which are valuable, but which swine would NOT appreciate at all. He goes on to say “lest they turn and rend (tear) you and trample them underfoot.”
The people to whom he spoke knew exactly waht he meant. Hogs had NO appreciation for pearls or other good things (that were not food) and if you cast valuable pearls to swine, the swine would first off be angry that you didn’t give them what they wanted (food) because they saw NO value in the pearls, so they would become ANGRY and tear you to pieces all the while trampling on the pearls.
PSYCHOPATHS are a good example of the “swine” in our lives! They do NOT appreciate the good thigns we offer them, our love, our care, etc. and they are angry at us because what we do offer them is seen as VALUELESS to them, just as the swine don’t value pearls. The psychopaths, like the swine, then turn and TEAR us to pieces.
I think this is one of the greater analogies in the Bible. Psychopaths=swine.
So though I have studied the Bible most of my life sinice I learned to read, I am GETTING NEW MEANING OUT OF IT NOW that I see it through CHANGED eyes. Since I am more spiritual and am looking at different lessons in different ways.
The OVERALL MEANING of anything in the way of study is always important, but I didn’t “get” the overall meaning before, and I think I am gettiing it much more clearly now.
My egg donor’s interpretation of scripture (that she taught me) is NOT the one I see now when I read the Bible. Her “legalistic” looking at the Scriptures, just as the Pharisees did, is sno longer valid to me. It never “seemed right” but I didn’t get the REAL message of the Scriptures until I changed my way of looking at them.
The NEW definitions of “forgiveness” and the new definitions of lots of words in teh Bible are no longer the same way SHE interpreted them. I no longer believe that “forgiveness” means that we then let them trample us into the dirt again, which is what SHE always insisted was THE definition and if I didn’t do it HER way, I would die and go to hell where the angry god of her world would torture me forever.
NOT now. I no longer believe as she says she does. Funny thing though, it applies to ME but never to her. She lies for a “good cause” and I lie because I am evil, and even after 48 years since I lied to her, she still brings up that lie from way back then. LOL Yep, that makes me a “liar forever doomed” but her lies are okay. LOL Yea, right. NOT!
Setting bounaries is not a bad thing either, the Bible does no insist (to my knowledge) that we make ourselves victims.
Disagreements are OK. To me the Bible shows we can have disagreements on issues, but still be friends and behave with love one for another. Paul had disagreements with other missionaries about one man who deserted him when Paul felt like the guy should have stayed. Paul got into a disagreement about this, and Paul took Timothy on his next journey to help him, but he would NOT take the deserter. Paul’s friend another missionary did take that deserter though. But they still parted friends, though they disagreed.
Many of Paul’s letters to churches and individuals were concerned with how to conduct yourself properly. How to treat others, and what to avoid and what was okay. This is GOOD advice if you are a believer or not. Just good “manners” and good “morals” which I wish applied more to society in general. It would make life on earth much better I think.
I have never found any writings in ANY of the world’s religious writings that are not good advice….yet, the “interpretations” of some of them are used as VENOM to fuel psychopathic behavior to others—“believe like I do or die!” There is no counting the number of people burned at the stake in the names of God, Jesus, Mohammed, etc.and it is STILL going on in the world today.People are still killed for their political and religious thinking “in the name of GOOD”
But that has never changed since our ancestors lived in caves or thatched huts. That seems to be “human nature” and the “nature of the psychopaths.”
We are fortunate and blessed to live in a country where thoughts are not so badly persecuted in general.
When we started on our healing journeys, we have each changed, and for me, when I started out it was about THEM, now it is about ME—making me the best that I can be. Living life to the fullest that I can. Thanks guys for sharing my journey.
Oxy, you really struck a chord with me when you said, “when I started out it was about THEM, now it is about ME—making me the best that I can be.”
So ironic, the book entitled “Why is it always about you?” is my favorite book about malignant narcissism. We have been living with the idea that everything is about them, for so long now that even OUR recovery is still about them. They won’t let go of us even in our own heads. Please keep reminding us of this, it seems we need to nurture that idea so that it can eventually take root and grow. I think part of the reason that I stayed with him is because it was easier to focus on him than to focus on me and what I needed to do to become a better person. I tend to ignore my own problems by helping others in need. And no one was more needy than my P.
Another irony is that my P may have answered my question for me. I used to say “don’t throw your pearls before swine” to him and he has taken to parroting that phrase at me whenever he wants to sound godly. One day he was raging about how he would take revenge on someone for something they did. He was lying of course, it was just a gas-lighting thing. But I said to him, “Jesus said, For what would it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his immortal soul.” Not to be outdone in the Jesus quoting department the P replied, “Jesus also said, Don’t throw your pearls before swine!”
Now I see the irony because the P is the swine and Jesus’ words are the pearls. Quoting Jesus to him was like throwing my pearls before swine. Ironic that the P himself was the one who reminded me, but even then I didn’t get it. But I do now.
LOLOLOL!
in court he informed me that he asked his attorney to tell the court that he wanted to reconcile.
Then he wouldn’t drop the issue after court.
He had our son Friday through Sunday. He was with his mistress Sunday and he stayed to install the carseat for me. Then he stayed for an hour trying to convince me to stay with him and R.
(What was she thinking the whole time)
Then he finally leaves and is on the phone with me the whole way home.
(I allow this to happen thinking she’ll wake up)
I stay firm on “its not happening, you had 4 chances, I will never trust you”
He finally gets it through his thick skull and starts crying. Then begs me to let him come over and “hold me” (what a dipstick! I’m not stupid) I said no seriously about 25 times.
He ended up coming over…told her he needed to go for a drive or go to work (he was already due in at 3 am) we talk and he admits several times that he wanted to “make love” to me.
Again: what an ass and how stupid is “she”?
He leaves crying and carrying on about how much he loves me, but he respects my wishes and will leave me alone “I won’t text you or call you.” (is that a threat or a promise?)
So this lavish attention also continues into Tuesday and Wednesday visits each day ends with me thinking he gets it and will leave me alone, him in tears giving guilt trips, and the next day begins with more tricks to convince me that he actually wants me back.
Of course I am sure you can guess that he can’t keep any of his stories straight and someone who has spend the last 3 months educating herself can see the lies and manipulations…c’mon he’s still living with her.
Then tonight his mom tells her (while he’s in the shower) that she should let him go…
BTW this has nothing to do with me as SHE called his mom the night he extended his visitation by 5 hours and ignored her calls and texts.
He was even in the car with her today when he addressed this issue with me asking me not to share anything with his mom…all I told his mom was “yes” he was with me that night OW called.
Then with HER in the car he says she knows how he feels about me and that he wants the marriage back and what’s best for our son, me and him…
HELLO I know I have my issues with this man as he is very sly, but is this woman TOTALLY brain-dead? I mean he’s not a smart sociopath and often contradicts his own lies….
sorry so long I haven’t been online in weeks as my “friend” kicked me out on the streets.
PS He’s been so civil (still manipulative) lately that I wonder if he’s a full blown P or just has major coping issues from the abuse…I read somewhere that sexual abuse survivors are often habitual liars and manipulators because it was the only way to cope as a victim…mine had to do it for 7 years.
PPS How can I get back to my old posts to follow up on them?