After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon.
This isn’t a surprising observation: Don’t like what you’re hearing (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame the messenger. Find an expectation oppressive (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame your partner as a nag, a bitch, or as insatiable.
Find it inconvenient to admit your deviousness or treachery? Blame the victim of your treachery for driving you into a corner and leaving you no choice (in other words, you betrayed me, before I betrayed you!).
For such individuals, blame becomes a reflex. It is often staggering to watch, as it suits their convenience in the moment, how they’ll switch it up and accuse a partner of something that they (not their partner) blatantly perpetrated.
Blame, in many of these cases, is often projected. By projected, I mean that the blamer (the aggressor) takes a feeling—say, guilt—and projects it onto his partner as, say, blame.
For instance, his guilt over an affair is projected as, “You drove me into her arms!” (In other words, I’m not guilty, but you should be!)
Should you challenge his twisted version of the truth, he may escalate his projecting along the lines of, “Don’t go pop psychology on me! There you go again, manipulating me with your pop psychology! You were a lousy wife, you treated me like shit, and so what the hell did you expect?! Shame on you! Take a look in the mirror, honey. You’re a loser!”
By now, a gaslighting effect risks emerging: disoriented by his vitriol and the seeming conviction of his accusations, you may begin to wonder, who’s crazy here? Him, as I once thought, or perhaps me?
Blame, of course, doesn’t always involve projection; sometimes the abuser’s contempt—that is, his devaluation of his target—is so great that, even while he’s consciously, lucidly aware that he violated you, he’ll blame you anyway.
This, of course, takes hubris. But what it most takes, as I just suggested, is a massive level of contempt. Consider the example of the individual who sexually assaults his victim and, fully recognizing the nature of his assault, nevertheless (and shamelessly) blames the victim, calling her a whore, saying she wanted it, she asked for it, she had it coming, what the hell did she expect?
My own view is that the sociopath, in general, has less need than the narcissist to “self-justify” his use of blame. His feeble conscience, which makes few, if any, demands of him, effectively enables and liberates the audacious expression of his contempt and self-centeredness.
I suspect this also explains (at least partly) how, knowing full well he’s been a scoundrel, the sociopath can look you in the eye with unabashed, naked contempt and brazenly endeavor to blame or lie his way out of accountability.
The comfort with which he can do this, the seeming absence of conflict, guilt and ambivalence with which he can blithely commit, and just as blithely deny, such exploitive behaviors, becomes a diagnostic indicator of his sociopathy.
(My use of “he” in this post was merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and disorders discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
PPPS skylar
Now I see the irony because the P is the swine and Jesus’ words are the pearls. Quoting Jesus to him was like throwing my pearls before swine.
My P has started “bible study” it’s truly amazing how they don’t understand a word of it…its just that “words”.
During the affair we went to church and the topic was the adultress ever since then he says “don’t throw stones at me.”
Banana,
that is SO funny.
I know ANewLily didn’t think these things were funny, but they are such fools! How can you not laugh? The only ones more foolish were us, when we believed their lies. Then of course, it wasn’t funny, it was tragic. But now that we get it, it’s funny again!
At least parts of it are funny anyway. I do feel sorry for the losses we’ve suffered. Please don’t anyone think this is a big joke for me. I’m sure many of you noticed that I’m online alot. It’s because I have no life and I’m pretty isolated since the breakup. I haven’t told you all the details of all the P’s in my life, and I don’t think I will. You won’t believe it anyway. Even with all that you have all gone through, you will not believe my story. Not one of you will NOT think that I’m paranoid. So anyway, everyone’s posts are keeping me alive and when you post funny stuff, it means more to me than you’ll know because laughter is the only thing that makes this crap bearable.
“I read somewhere that sexual abuse survivors are often habitual liars and manipulators because it was the only way to cope as a victim”mine had to do it for 7 years.”
Is this true?
Isabell:
IMO….
We learn coping skills/behaviors from situations we have endured in our lives…..but ‘healthy’ thinking people do not habitualy lie across the board. We all have the capability and do lie.
I was sexually molested by a brother and my parents denied it when I mustered up all I could to ask for help and expose this….They put it back on me! NO help….further humiliation!
I did learn how to ‘take care of it myself’…..but I don’t recall lying about anything…..
I called him out in front of people (my cry for help)….I called my brother nasty names, referencing the abuse in front of his friends and our family friends to entice people to ask about why I did that….said that…and then I told them…..
If I came right out and told them, I knew at 11 years old that no one was going to believe me…..so I ‘made’ them ask.
That was manipulation on my behalf…..but a self protection type manipulation of others….. BAD? No, self preservation!
All I wanted was for someone to make it stop…..I cried out to my parents, to no avail…..people I trusted…..so even at that young age…..I was fully aware ‘society’ was going to turn a blind eye…..
Eventually, I humiliated him so much, I guess the risk was not worth the ‘benefit’ to him……It went on for 3 years.
But…I know, to this day…..his deviant sexual behaviors have not stopped……he brags about it to people……
SICK FARK!
Now…..in regards to the ex S……I have learned to manipulate him by counter control……(theres that word again!) I call it…..calling on my ‘inner sociopath’…..I also do the same to my parents if need be.
I have discussed this with my therapist and I am fully aware of when and why I do it….I remain balanced in my manipulations….HAHAHAHA.
I live with the preface….right is right and wrong is wrong….
If I had to steal or cheat for something, I would rather not have it…..
I didn’t lie during my battle with the S…..I was way brutal with exposing all of his behaviors….all of which I could document….
NOW YEs…..some of my documentation was ‘gathered’ pretty covertly and definately manipulatively….but not illegally.
I studied how people reacted to him and all his lies and ma
nipulations and learned to do the same with him.
I am aware of what I was doing……and how I will always deal with him when he rears his ugly face down the road….in the same fashion…..IT WORKS…..
My ‘real’ self…..didn’t work with him….I tested that for a 28 year trial…..He gave me a ‘new’ way!
Maybe it boils down to…it would all depend on the severity of abuse/amount of time and programming and lifestyle/personality of the victim……and what their current life requires ….
I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Jaycee Dugard fit this profile today…..since her life depended on it and was surrounded by lies/manipulations/control etc……..even her poor young daughters……
But Elizabeth Smart doesn’t seem to be or at least portray those type of behaviors….
If we are looking for an ‘out’ for our S’s behaviors….I say Bullshit!
I feel strongly that none of us have an excuse to be abusive even if we were raised in an abusive environment…..drugs/alcohol/sex/emotional/physical or whatever….
We have CHOICES…..not a licence to abuse…we can choose to stop the cycle.
If I know how it felt to be abused….WHY would I want to put anohter life through what I have lived and know is tormenting and had life long effects?
Isabell, I was thinking about your question and I dont really know where this is going to go…but I have to admitt that I recognise that part of my behaviour pattern after being brought up in an abusive household was to ‘exaggerate’ positives and cover up any negatives in order to ‘people please’. it made me feel really bad, sort of trapped, but I did it compulsively for a long time well after I had left ‘home’.
It wasnt to con or trick or to manipulate. I had maybe learnt that ‘real me’ was not a loveable or an acceptable person, but maybe all singing all dancing with bells on me might be… growing up with harsh punishments for percieved ‘mistakes’ or ‘character flaws’ made me terrified of exposing them.
Not allowing my authentic self any exposure could be seen as lying by ommision.
growing up we had to ‘cover up’ so much all of the time, there were countless occasions where we’d have to dress up and be paraded about in front of people as ‘perfect children, the perfect middle class family’, then once back home the pretty dresses would go away and we’d be back to being nothings, not allowed to eat fruit, terrorized and beaten… I once got beaten till I bled with a belt for allowing a boyfriend of my mothers hear me cry when I fell over… then the marks themselves would have to be covered up… this screws with you sense of self. Real me was a wretched sad and lonely person that no one wanted.
I was terrified of disagreeing with people, or admitting to doing something wrong, terrified of being seen as a less than a perfect parent(incase that made me ANYTHING like mine, I think I heard that ‘children of abusers end up being abusers themselves’ at a young age and that ALSO terrified me)…
The fear of being me was extreme. the thought of stepping into and living as authentic crappy old me was a terrifying thought.
Its taken a LONG time and a run in with a sociopath to finally get at least a grasp on who I am and that who I am REALLY is okay.
So yeah, I guess I was a liar… I thought I had to be.
Does this make any sense?
Morning, Blueskies. I, for one can say, I’m glad you are you.
I think you’re great, and I’m glad you’re here.
Your childhood sounds awful and it makes me sad. Thank God we have a place like this, to just be who we are and heal.
God bless.
Kim:)xxx I dont mean to be all ‘poor me’ about stuff:) but THANKS thats REALLY nice:)x When I come and read here sometimes it throws up stuff for me that I guess needs throwing up, but its all good.xx (maybe not for others to read though?!)xx
Blueskies and EB.
Thank you for your responses. I’m sorry it has taken this long to respond. I get lost in here. I read an article, post a comment, read a different article, and post a comment, then when I come back, I can’t rememer the name of the articles I’ve read. It’s a little frustrating. Is there any way to do a quick search to see where you left off in LF? Just wondering.
Your insights, wisdom, and honesty, definately help me process what we’ve been through. It’s all so overwhelming.
My DSMsister blames me for all the bad things that happen. Burglaries, delays, health problems. She interrogates me and possibly reflects my lack of reliability to others. She’s not around to help, therefore sheisn’t responsbile for anything. i am around (parents), therefore the accusatory finger when a burglary happens (once in ten years). No support (unless her husband is witnessing it). The first thing in my mind is the throught: oh no, make sure XXX doesn’t hear about this”. It becomes predictable, tedius and amusing. an ingrained abuse that I anticipate correctly. When I respond (something I am learning not to do) she would then say ‘oh you’re an expert are you, are you a –, are you a — , are you a —) . There’s absolutely no way of avoiding her abuse. The hatred she has of me is addictive. I don’t invite or seek her abuse. It’s something she must do to keep her alive.
When my father passes, she will blame me for something resulting in his death in the interrogation. That is one thing I need to go through without any contact, as the normal grieving process will be abused! If she were not alive my life would be healed. Simple. The contempt she has for me (and my father) is surreal. Deeprooted that goes back to infancy. She has no inkling that I have her sussed out. Zero idea.
Outlier,
Try really hard to have no contact with your sister, she is so toxic and even though you know she’s full of it, you do not need to be on the receiving end of her crap. I’m sorry to hear about your father, know that you are a loving daughter and care deeply about your parents.
That your spath sister is a doctor, scarry. I think I read that on one of your other posts. She can give out all sorts of spathy advice and her patients will listen. If they only knew! You know, and that’s whats important. She is unhealthy.
Take good care of yourself during this difficult time. A long walk, trip to the arboratum or local garden, getting a pedicure (or giving yourself one), just taking time for yourself relieves some of the stress of the situation.
Blessings