After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon.
This isn’t a surprising observation: Don’t like what you’re hearing (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame the messenger. Find an expectation oppressive (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame your partner as a nag, a bitch, or as insatiable.
Find it inconvenient to admit your deviousness or treachery? Blame the victim of your treachery for driving you into a corner and leaving you no choice (in other words, you betrayed me, before I betrayed you!).
For such individuals, blame becomes a reflex. It is often staggering to watch, as it suits their convenience in the moment, how they’ll switch it up and accuse a partner of something that they (not their partner) blatantly perpetrated.
Blame, in many of these cases, is often projected. By projected, I mean that the blamer (the aggressor) takes a feeling—say, guilt—and projects it onto his partner as, say, blame.
For instance, his guilt over an affair is projected as, “You drove me into her arms!” (In other words, I’m not guilty, but you should be!)
Should you challenge his twisted version of the truth, he may escalate his projecting along the lines of, “Don’t go pop psychology on me! There you go again, manipulating me with your pop psychology! You were a lousy wife, you treated me like shit, and so what the hell did you expect?! Shame on you! Take a look in the mirror, honey. You’re a loser!”
By now, a gaslighting effect risks emerging: disoriented by his vitriol and the seeming conviction of his accusations, you may begin to wonder, who’s crazy here? Him, as I once thought, or perhaps me?
Blame, of course, doesn’t always involve projection; sometimes the abuser’s contempt—that is, his devaluation of his target—is so great that, even while he’s consciously, lucidly aware that he violated you, he’ll blame you anyway.
This, of course, takes hubris. But what it most takes, as I just suggested, is a massive level of contempt. Consider the example of the individual who sexually assaults his victim and, fully recognizing the nature of his assault, nevertheless (and shamelessly) blames the victim, calling her a whore, saying she wanted it, she asked for it, she had it coming, what the hell did she expect?
My own view is that the sociopath, in general, has less need than the narcissist to “self-justify” his use of blame. His feeble conscience, which makes few, if any, demands of him, effectively enables and liberates the audacious expression of his contempt and self-centeredness.
I suspect this also explains (at least partly) how, knowing full well he’s been a scoundrel, the sociopath can look you in the eye with unabashed, naked contempt and brazenly endeavor to blame or lie his way out of accountability.
The comfort with which he can do this, the seeming absence of conflict, guilt and ambivalence with which he can blithely commit, and just as blithely deny, such exploitive behaviors, becomes a diagnostic indicator of his sociopathy.
(My use of “he” in this post was merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and disorders discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
ErinB:
And are you the one responsible for nuclear proliferation, famine, pestilence and plague? While we’re divvying up responsibilities/spheres of influence here? 🙂
Steve!
Thanks for another great article!
I love what justabouthealed wrote about her husband’s response to manipulative tactics! I learned so much from his healthy response, so I’m with Oxy on this: why don’t we create a discussion of healthy coping stratagems?
We can’t control other people, but we can change how we respond, and the truth is (sad to say) I’ve lived with dysfunctional family dynamics that I never thought to equate the projection/controlling/blaming stuff to a toddler’s temper tantrum, which is spot on. Who knew? That I can cope with!
Sane responses help keep you sane: during my brother’s latest verbal attack, I looked at him and said quietly, “That’s crazy talk: it’s not based in reality. I’ll be happy to discuss this later, but not now.” I got the idea from Patricia Evans’ book “Controlling People.” It worked: he was speechless — his entire “wind up” was interrupted. When we spoke later, he was much more calm and rational. But the main thing — even if he hadn’t responded favorably — was that I had a tool to use that allowed me to respect and stand up for myself!
I know with all the brain power on this site, that there are some pretty powerful observers and problem solvers, and a wealth of experience between us. Which is part of what makes LoveFraud so great. But I also thing that many of us haven’t had, at least not on a regular basis, positive healthy models around to learn from.
When you see/understand these, you naturally begin to gravitate towards them. As I do this, I find that I can monitor my own behavior more effectively: leave the dysfunctional behavior behind and replace it with better choices.
Learning about them here would help greatly, and bring them into my life sooner.
What do you think?
.After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon.
Steve,
The opening line of this article shows how passionate you are about your work and that’s just why we wait patiently here at LF for the next writing that will offer even more insight into our complex emotions and experiences.
After receiving a few rather reprimanding voice mails from my childrens’ father this weekend, this article couldn’t have been more timely.
How well you undetstand the narsissist’s need to blame his partner for everything that he does not want to own himself.
Waking up to this topic actually kept me from responding in anger to all his accusations. As you so eloquently state – he dumped all his feelings on me and blamed me for the decaying relationship between him and our daughter.
I spent years trying to cajole, beg , plead, humor , request him to spend time with our children. I can honestly tell you he NEVER spent a single full weekend with our family at home – he had other interests. And now, that our daughter is pretty fed up with all his behaviors and broken promises involving her directly – well he just can’t accept she is her own person with her own feelings. He blames me for the difficulties between them – that I allow her to have her own feelings and express them.
He also stated that if he thought it would make things easier – for him of course – that he would even apologize to me for not ending our marriage sooner-that it was unfair of him to let things go on as long as he did.
I heard in your latest radio interview (which was outstanding)that a narcissist will apologize typically, only if it benefits him. That is just how I interpret his offer of apology. Not because he betrayed me so horribly and he is sorry – but because it may persuade me to fall back in line and align myself with him.
For many years I accepted the blame for this marriage failing and at times I still struggle – and I would have today after his barrage of words on my phone – but I read your article above
and re-read to reinforce his guilt and shame are not mine to take on anymore.
As you say, he is soooo convicted in his views – it just makes your head spin and you question yourself .
I can’t wait till I can just chuckle at him and think to myself “There he goes again.”
Thanks so much again – your writings are like the beacon of the “Old Barney ” lighthouse offering safety to ships in the night.
newlife08:
Was thinking about you. How go the court proceedings with S?
Isn’t amazing that we actually get to the point where we say “there he goes again”?
Hey Matt!!!!!
How was your trip – everyone missed you here. Hope you get time to catch up- I read quite a few folks reaching out for your help.
We are off the court calendar for now – he stalled the forensics again and is still driving up my lawyer fees. His lawyer is nearly unresponsive.
He has also cut support way back and that is choking me out a little – you know, it’s summer and I want to give the kids a nice time. It seems he is not doing as well with the BBQUE as he dreamed and his creditors are supposedly growing impatient. I know I am.
We have been to the shore-cooked on electric hot plates and skillets- like you encouraged me – we found a way.
And it was fun. My sister also gave us comp tickets for Six Flags – kids love it -I could live without it.
So – tell me was it Greece you went to if I remember ?
Tell me how your trip was – and I believe you had company???
I accepted blame for a lot of stuff, but not when I was told what I wrote in the above post! Those were examples of what a total a**hole he was.
newlife08:
Not Greece — that is coming up shortly. This was the British Isles and Ireland. No company on this trip, but my friend was a fabulous host — I got to see places I never would have imagined. Ireland was absolutely magical. England, Scotland and Wales were all so different and had their own charms.
Am going off with the new guy this weekend — he’s taking me away this weekend. His treat. This is something I could get used to!
Glad the shore worked out. As for no gas in the cottage, screw ConEd and your soon to be ex. I’m sure cooking with the skillets and electric hot plates and other bits of ingenuity will give your kids good memories and stories to laugh about years from now. I’m with you — I avoid Six Flags Over Anything.
As for S stalling the forensics, there will come the day when the judge will hold his feet to the fire for a very simple reason — the chief judge will be asking your judge why he can’t get this case off his docket.
Thankyou Jah,
I am a bit slow, I just realised that Justabout healesd and JAH were the same person! DUH!
Newlife:
When life gives us lemons……you know the rest…..
COOK ON A HOTPLATE!!!!
Campfires are also fun!
That’s great you are not ‘stopping’ from doing what you would ‘normally’ do with your kids…..
There are so many lessons for you and THEM! They will see what a douchbag dad is….he’s paving a nice way for them to see. Oh, how they love to punish…..unfortunately, you can’t stop that….but you are overcoming it…..
WONDERFUL!!!!
It will work out…..like Matt said…..there will come THAT day!
You need to be the one with stamina….ride the looooonnnngggg wave….use the time for education and building your case of documentation.
BTW…..One thing I learned about the ‘little’ things…..was…..possession is always best….My first attorney said, oh, you will get it all back…..I just didn’t have that sort of faith…..so I went and took my and the kids stuff from my rental he lived in….every last bit of it, whatever I wanted or thought I could sell, depending on the outcome…..down to the life jackets for the kayaks……my son’s community ID etc…
BOY….he smokescreened about everything, and by the time he bitched about the ‘stuff’…….no one wanted to hear it and shut him down……GUESS WHAT…..I have it all now!!!!!
And it’s final! Just one move I was glad I made….
So keep posession of anything you have and can get your hands on.
It’s either YOU or HIM.
Stay strong and keep that fire burning girl!
XXOO
MATT:
HAVE A BLAST!!!!
Stay well, keep your wits about you and your eyes open
XXOO