After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon.
This isn’t a surprising observation: Don’t like what you’re hearing (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame the messenger. Find an expectation oppressive (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame your partner as a nag, a bitch, or as insatiable.
Find it inconvenient to admit your deviousness or treachery? Blame the victim of your treachery for driving you into a corner and leaving you no choice (in other words, you betrayed me, before I betrayed you!).
For such individuals, blame becomes a reflex. It is often staggering to watch, as it suits their convenience in the moment, how they’ll switch it up and accuse a partner of something that they (not their partner) blatantly perpetrated.
Blame, in many of these cases, is often projected. By projected, I mean that the blamer (the aggressor) takes a feeling—say, guilt—and projects it onto his partner as, say, blame.
For instance, his guilt over an affair is projected as, “You drove me into her arms!” (In other words, I’m not guilty, but you should be!)
Should you challenge his twisted version of the truth, he may escalate his projecting along the lines of, “Don’t go pop psychology on me! There you go again, manipulating me with your pop psychology! You were a lousy wife, you treated me like shit, and so what the hell did you expect?! Shame on you! Take a look in the mirror, honey. You’re a loser!”
By now, a gaslighting effect risks emerging: disoriented by his vitriol and the seeming conviction of his accusations, you may begin to wonder, who’s crazy here? Him, as I once thought, or perhaps me?
Blame, of course, doesn’t always involve projection; sometimes the abuser’s contempt—that is, his devaluation of his target—is so great that, even while he’s consciously, lucidly aware that he violated you, he’ll blame you anyway.
This, of course, takes hubris. But what it most takes, as I just suggested, is a massive level of contempt. Consider the example of the individual who sexually assaults his victim and, fully recognizing the nature of his assault, nevertheless (and shamelessly) blames the victim, calling her a whore, saying she wanted it, she asked for it, she had it coming, what the hell did she expect?
My own view is that the sociopath, in general, has less need than the narcissist to “self-justify” his use of blame. His feeble conscience, which makes few, if any, demands of him, effectively enables and liberates the audacious expression of his contempt and self-centeredness.
I suspect this also explains (at least partly) how, knowing full well he’s been a scoundrel, the sociopath can look you in the eye with unabashed, naked contempt and brazenly endeavor to blame or lie his way out of accountability.
The comfort with which he can do this, the seeming absence of conflict, guilt and ambivalence with which he can blithely commit, and just as blithely deny, such exploitive behaviors, becomes a diagnostic indicator of his sociopathy.
(My use of “he” in this post was merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and disorders discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
What WE want from the P/N/S??? We want sanity and connection.
They want CONTROL.
If they do something outrageous, like blaming us for their insanity etc.
It keeps US focused on THEM. i.e., How could THEY blame us? Why did THEY say that (it makes no sense).
This gives THEM control over our minds. We are always thinking of THEM, and the awful/unfair/outrageous thing they did/said.
We do this because we want to maintain the CONNECTION, (by explaining/inderstanding their INSANITY). THEY do this because they want to maintain CONTROL.
It’s SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK. The only solution is NO CONTACT.
Dear Oxy and Tilly:
Thank you for your comments. “Prince Charming”…I have to keep reminding myself that all that stuff wasn’t real. It’s hard because I wanted it to be.
I am going to pick up the book, because I need something to help me negotiate that part of the experience, the gaslighting.
I have been coming to LF for some time now and I used to write in. But I felt that I sounded so tragic, so many who post comments seemed to be so much farther ahead in their healing then I was that I thought I would just read the posts.
And I started to realize that my opinion of myself was me looking through the lenses of his twisted mind yet still! My ex S/P/N had convinced me I was crazy. He convinced me and the psychiatrist. So wearing the label so long of “mentally ill” hasn’t helped even though it was discoverd and accepted that I was misdiagnosed. It is hard to live past it. I know that everyone heals at thier own pace, but often, I get mad at myself because I feel I should be over it already.
I am remarried now, and so I am trying to live now and not then. But the pain is still so fresh. I look forward to the day when I won’t be wearing my experience anymore.
Kieve:
The MORBID CURIOSITY (just realized this is another good nick namen for S)…is dificult to get away from especially when they are still involved in our lives, like yours is through family or like mine is through the ball room dance community we both belong to. They re-cycle with new women and my experience has been that they repeat the history again and again with the new victims. Some last longer than others. But sooner or later they allways end up in the same pain and confusion.
I will not give up ball room dancing because I see him there…I ignore him and his latest W… and on a very rare occasion…only when I feel strong and in control….I’ll accept a dance with him, knowing that it’s still doing the TOXIC TANGO.
NO CONTACT still works the best!
Pauline:
I’m sorry for your pain….the blame game is how they justify and ignore their insult towards their unsuspecting “victims”…us.
Finding boundaries is hard to do when yours werent respected before but it can be done…baby steps at a time and aknolegding them.
Keep a journal, and not only record all your feelings and things that happen, but remember to record and acknowledge all the good things that you are, that you do… reward yourself every time you have kept a boundary.
“Blame, of course, doesn’t always involve projection; sometimes the abuser’s contempt—that is, his devaluation of his target—is so great that, even while he’s consciously, lucidly aware that he violated you, he’ll blame you anyway. ”
And some people can talk you in circles, literally making your head spin, leading you to believe that you did cause them to do what they did.
Months ago, I found this site. LF has tought me a lot about my relationship attachments.
As I continue to read the articles and others responses, I am struck by my ignorance regarding the many abusers I’ve actually welcomed to be a part of my life! I’m guessing that’s mainly because my alcoholic, SP father’s and N mother’s behavior became my idea of “normal”.
Throughout my childhood, in fact into my early twenties, if anyone ever gave me a compliment in my mother’s presence, she would immediately either minimize it/me or take personal credit for whatever had been complimented. If she screwed up…well others always did worse! She screamed, and hollered to me that my father was an alcoholic…but I was forbidden from attending Alateen because… then the neighbors would know!
My father drank daily, called me a know-it-all, and would give me presents that he would later take away and instead gift to his friends. Only once did he actually called me by my actual “girl” name. With that one exception, he assigned me with a boy’s name..I grew up feeling ashamed that I wasn’t the boy he wanted.
As a teen, I can recall verbally stating that my goal in life was to have a marriage that was better than my parents had…even if it was just 1% better. So, I actually set myself up to embrace marginally successful relationships.
I divorced from my first husband over 25 years ago. Up until just a couple of months ago, I had accepted the blame for most of the terrible things that he had done to me and our sons. In fact I had forgotten most of his violent, self-serving outbursts. Reading LF comments brought back memories about being held at gun point a couple of times, being told (by him) that he had plotted to kill me, and also finding out from his law partners wives that he had actually taken girlfriends, instead of his family, to company picnics, and many more nasty incidents! I actually assumed responsibility (blame) for his violence
Those LF comments that stirred up painful memories were like a light at the end of a tunnel. (an awareness, not an on coming train)LOL!
Over ten years ago, as the result of an affair (his) a psychologist nformed me that she believed my current husband’s (yes, 2x’s) behavior was that of a sociopath. Believing that label was intended for serial killers, etc,, I dismissed her diagnosis and decided that she was nuts.
After enduring years of mental abuse at the will of SH number 2 (OOOh,…#2 is an appropriate name for him…LOL!), I have come to believe that the S diagnosis probably was right. I’ve since realized that the S label includes lesser behaviors like being an unemotional liar who brags about real and imagined greatness, and manipulating others… just because it’s possible. Oh..an holding victims responsible for their abusers behavior.
SH #2 brags and lies about things he either owns (real or imagined) or his accomplishments. Anyone talking excitedly about a fun trip they’ve taken or a new car, etc., is guaranteed to be interrupted with his stories about better trips that he took or better brands he owns.
If #2 screws up…it’s only because someone else gave him the wrong information. Someone else (generally me) is to blame for everything that goes wrong. He even gets upset if I’m painting behind a door that he has burst open. He’s not sorry the door hit me…instead, I should apologize to him for being in his way! Only on very rare occasions have I noticed him take responsibility for being wrong about anything…but it always was for something extremely minor.
I THINK I FINALLY GET IT!
I now recognize that through accepting others blame for their bad behaviors, I actually encouraged those abusers to do more harm. It was I, not they, who would be held accountable for their actions. I rewarded cintinued bad behavior by taking away any fear of my abusers being held accountable.
Guess what…I’m slowly catching on…thanks to all who’ve opened my eyes…at least a little. I recognize that I’ve still got a lot more to figure out.
Thank you, Aeylah! I have kept a bit of a journal which is getting easier for me to do. For a while my thought process was such a jumbled mess! I used to write all the time and win awards for it, imagine that. Now stringing together ideas so they make sense is another land I have to find my way back to.
I got help seeking out resources that are available to victims of cults. I could not find any resources here with professionals who would equate the experiences I had with what they really were. This type of psychological twisting of your reality and all the rest of the abuse is so similar in damage to what cult victims experience that I found it helpful to learn all I could about that and to tell my therapist THIS is what it is, THIS is what it is like mentally and emotionally.
On another note. If none of you have seen the documentary “Dear Zachary” and would like to see the dramatic real life story of a family affected by a sociopath…my gosh, get this documentary right away!! It is SO powerful. The manipulations of the woman who is the sociopath in the documentary and her devastating effects on this family are so accurate and tragic. ALL while the legal system caters to the sociopaths string pulling. She is a doctor who has murdered her “boyfriend” and the story of how she further manipulates the system and the victims family is just so typical of these people. It is not to missed for it’s stellar approach to really showing the depths to which a sociopath will go AND for the strength of the family involved. “Dear Zachary” has won numerous awards at film festivals.
Along with Mary Jo’s book, and people courageous enough to speak out like the film maker of “Dear Zachary” the word IS getting out there.
I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. God help the x sociopaths new targets. They are jumping on the bashing band wagon of me now..with the XS but, soon enough…the deer in the headlights flattened experience will be theirs to deal with.
I’m done warning people. That got me only further grief.
I AM getting better, …it’s hardest to try and repair the neglect..and to realize I lost years of my life when I might have been doing something GOOD with that time.
Aeylah:
“red-flag doll”. I love it. It is a great visual as they say in the ad biz. Also, even if we, as the victims of Ss, can rationalize away their behavior, there is no way we could rationalize away all the red flags we have stuck in the doll!
Wow! Aleya, I am in awe of your composure and strength, I dont think I could be in the same room, let alone let him put his hands on me without a.) being in danger of punching him out or b.) the opposite.. which is worse! you’ve got some gumption:)x I want to be just like you when I grow up;)x
Pauline. I think “Betrayal Bond” makes those analogies with cults. a friend of mine who was a victim of both a cult and a S found it very helpful.