After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon.
This isn’t a surprising observation: Don’t like what you’re hearing (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame the messenger. Find an expectation oppressive (because it’s inconvenient)? Blame your partner as a nag, a bitch, or as insatiable.
Find it inconvenient to admit your deviousness or treachery? Blame the victim of your treachery for driving you into a corner and leaving you no choice (in other words, you betrayed me, before I betrayed you!).
For such individuals, blame becomes a reflex. It is often staggering to watch, as it suits their convenience in the moment, how they’ll switch it up and accuse a partner of something that they (not their partner) blatantly perpetrated.
Blame, in many of these cases, is often projected. By projected, I mean that the blamer (the aggressor) takes a feeling—say, guilt—and projects it onto his partner as, say, blame.
For instance, his guilt over an affair is projected as, “You drove me into her arms!” (In other words, I’m not guilty, but you should be!)
Should you challenge his twisted version of the truth, he may escalate his projecting along the lines of, “Don’t go pop psychology on me! There you go again, manipulating me with your pop psychology! You were a lousy wife, you treated me like shit, and so what the hell did you expect?! Shame on you! Take a look in the mirror, honey. You’re a loser!”
By now, a gaslighting effect risks emerging: disoriented by his vitriol and the seeming conviction of his accusations, you may begin to wonder, who’s crazy here? Him, as I once thought, or perhaps me?
Blame, of course, doesn’t always involve projection; sometimes the abuser’s contempt—that is, his devaluation of his target—is so great that, even while he’s consciously, lucidly aware that he violated you, he’ll blame you anyway.
This, of course, takes hubris. But what it most takes, as I just suggested, is a massive level of contempt. Consider the example of the individual who sexually assaults his victim and, fully recognizing the nature of his assault, nevertheless (and shamelessly) blames the victim, calling her a whore, saying she wanted it, she asked for it, she had it coming, what the hell did she expect?
My own view is that the sociopath, in general, has less need than the narcissist to “self-justify” his use of blame. His feeble conscience, which makes few, if any, demands of him, effectively enables and liberates the audacious expression of his contempt and self-centeredness.
I suspect this also explains (at least partly) how, knowing full well he’s been a scoundrel, the sociopath can look you in the eye with unabashed, naked contempt and brazenly endeavor to blame or lie his way out of accountability.
The comfort with which he can do this, the seeming absence of conflict, guilt and ambivalence with which he can blithely commit, and just as blithely deny, such exploitive behaviors, becomes a diagnostic indicator of his sociopathy.
(My use of “he” in this post was merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and disorders discussed. This article is copyrighted © 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
neveragain
Starlight… the “nice” ones are perhaps even more toxic because they mess with our minds!!! But what he said was NOT nice, maybe just a nice voice. EWW. REplay it in your mind and this time spit in his face!
Here is another great article http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-feeling-rejected-by-mr-unavailables-assclowns-part-three/
Here is a fair use quote that I hope makes everyone go read the article. I just love that site and just recently found it!
“when a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects ’you’, it is actually more about rejecting:
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathise
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognise your boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.
This is not about you ”“ if he is a Mr Unavailable or assclown, he doesn’t want to do these things with anyone and you could substitute a different woman, and you’d get same problems, different package.”
neveragain
sorry, I see Oxy made the same point already about cults and Betrayal Bond.
neveragain
Aeylah- Hope you don’t give in to the oncoming onslaught of lovebombs. You said you loved him once. I loved the P in my life several times….and each time I got hurt. And I forced myself to really catalog what REALITY I was in love with and how long that reality lasted. There actually was not much that was reality that I loved about him. Mostly I loved that I thought he loved me, which is pretty pathetic.
I wasn’t ready to leave the relationship for several months, and then I realized I also wasn’t ready to STAY in a bad relationship, because it was killing me! The stress had just become too much. So I refused to stay, which was easier mentally than deciding to leave! I wasn’t sure I should leave but I was damn sure I shouldn’t stay!
Whatever it takes!
Ox Drover
Dear IMconfused,
Your post was very insightful and I am glad that you are getting it and that LF has been a help in your journey. This IS an amazing place. I hope you will continue to stick around and share your insight with us.
Healing is not a rapid journey most of the time, and many times I have had to crawl, or even back track some, but if the wonderful posters here continue to support and validate us, we will all make better progress on the road. Your insight is right on! Hang in there, it does get easier (most days! LOL) God bless you. (((hugs))))
muldoon.
just read this, haent been for a while..the signs are there, I feel it coming and know its my own fault..and as always, its my fault..6 months and a coupe of weeks..and although its been ok more than not, the tide is truning, I can feel a big one about to hit.
hello all by the way.
Matt
muldoon:
I was wondering how you were doing after your cancer diagnosis. How is your treatment going?
muldoon.
yes fine with treatment and told stopping smoking I will be ok…but Im smoking like a chimney..the signs are there again..and once agin I am feeling all on edge and not certain of what to do next..I fell off the wagon here and I broke the nc…back to bloody square , 6 months plus..i would have been iover it by now and would have peace of mind.
Matt
muldoon:
I guess the starting place is for you to ask yourself what is it you want. Once you get really clear on that, then you’ll know what steps to take next. My concern for you at this moment is I recall how your S’s violence was steadily escalating. Is this something you want to subject your children, to say nothing of yourself, to again?
muldoon.
Ive asked and kicked self and kicked sefl and kicked self…wish I hadnt come back to square, im dreading the inevitable war that will arise whn i soon say enough..
Matt
muldoon:
You don’t need to kick yourself. You’re finally getting to the point where you are ready to say BASTA! (enough! in Spanish). A lot of us on this site have had to stick their hands into the fire a couple of times before they learn the lesson that doing so isn’t in their best interests. You stuck your hand in the fire and finally decided you’re not willing to live with S anymore. That’s a good lesson to learn. Focus on that and it will help you start making the decisions you need to make to get away from him.