Lovefraud receives many letters from people who want a sign. Readers ask, “How do I know whether or not someone is a sociopath?” There is one behavior that every sociopath engages in to extreme excess. If I were only allowed one criteria for the diagnosis I would choose this behavior. If someone does not do this thing to extreme excess he/she is certainly not a sociopath. Those of you who have been involved with a sociopath know too well what this one thing is. It is lying.
I enjoy reading old religious texts because I believe there is truly nothing new under the sun. It is comforting to get reassurance of that fact. I mentioned some time ago that female sociopaths are described in the Bible. The cardinal symptom of sociopathy is described best in the Babylonian Talmud! One source I found dated this document to the 6th century.
The Babylonian Talmud describes something called geneivat da’at (literally, theft of one’s mind, thoughts, wisdom, or knowledge), i.e., fooling someone and thereby causing him or her to have a mistaken assumption, belief, and/or impression. The sages believed that there are seven types of thieves and, of these, the most egregious is the one who “steals the minds” of people.
Anyone who has been in contact with a sociopath has had his/her mind stolen. Sociopaths do not interact with anyone without stealing a mind.
Although sociopaths are very proud of their ability to steal minds, this behavior does not make them unique, talented or special. Sociopaths are just the worst species of thief!
Many are baffled by the lying sociopaths engage in. A reader who wrote me recently commented that they lie even when the truth sounds better. Sociopaths continue to lie even after their lies are discovered. This often makes them look silly.
Sociopaths lie in order to steal the minds of others. They do this because of an unrestrained drive for power and control. This drive is present in all of their dealings with others.
The best thing to do if your mind has been stolen by a sociopath is Take it Back! Don’t have any more interactions with that person. Accept that you can never deal with a sociopath without experiencing the theft of your mind.
omg whyme, my eyebrows are raised and knitted togehter reading your account of your husband’s violence.
he wasn’t true & caring & kind. he abused you horribly.
He WAS using violence to control his world/ his pain: YOU. you were part of his world, not a person. That IS narcissistic. Possessiveness IS narcissistic.
i understand that he may have been damaged by drug and alcohol use, – but he DID know the consequences of using repeatedly, AND DID IT ANYWAY!
i lived with a BF when i was 19 who did horrible things on drugs and alcohol – DV has a cycle, and drugs and alcohol figure prominently in that cycle often.: abuse/remorse/abuse/remorse/ abuse….ad naseum. When not stoned or drunk, he made me lovely dinners, drew me hot bubble baths in candle filled bathrooms,….and then he threw me up against the wall, and tore off his watch and threw me down on the bed….destroyed my belongings, terrorized me cat, bugged the phone and fed my conversations back to me one snip at a time; stalked me when i left……….
He was an abuser, he was narcissistic. He was not loving and kind and caring. And neither was your husband.
Has anyone recommended the Betrayal Bond to you? It’s a book that might really help you to see the hooks inside you that make you vulnerable to abusive people, and to the belief that they are not accountable for their actions. I apologize if my post is heavy – i know you probably didn’t expect this kind of response as you were using your story to illustrate a point – but for the love of god, whyme, you are in denial, and how you framed his character just blows me away.
Happy 2011! Thank you for sharing your stories. I haven’t posted much, but you have all helped me. I do have a couple of questions.
My EX (now I know to be a spath) wants to keep in contact and has been for three years after we no longer are together.
1. Why do I forget all the things he did, and think we can be friends? I was looking at past emails in the last three years (I save them because for some reason, I allow him to do the same things over and over and seem to forget). Even looking at the emails, they have the same apologies, same excuses, and same crap about how much he cares and him not wanting to hurt me but then tells me about other women. I KNOW- from here- A person who cares for me wouldn’t want to hurt me. We had been in friendly contact, then just last week before Christmas, he contacted me again. I thought we could be friendly, then he let me know he was calling me from another woman’s house and was spending the holidays with her. He emailed later telling me he was sorry he hadn’t spent holidays with me when we dated and he still missed me and would break up with her in Jan and come see me?? I told him he was really sick. As much as I wanted to act indifferent, and I had been for almost a year, I lost it and ended up writing an email telling him how sick he was (I know STUPID) .
I was able to put it out of my mind and had a nice Christmas. BUT I did pay the extra $4.99 a month and blocked him from texting me. His texting me gets to me.
2. I have had enough and know better than to react, but have probably done another stupid thing. I posted about him on DDHG and I sent a warning and copies of saved IM’s and emails to his new person (he has been sending to me, letting me know how much he misses me and how he is dumping the current girl, he also says things like he was only lonely and that is why he hooked up with her, but she is nothing, blah, blah) I exposed him… I am now a little afraid of what he may do.
3. On a different note, I feel lighter and freer. I now know what he was saying to other women, when he was with me.
4. I know this part is very superficial, but the new person is not too attractive and is more than twice his age. I feel disgusted and know that the universe/ god has a better life for me, but I will need to empty out all residue of the Ex, (have cut all contact- blocking everything) and use the light and energy to fill, cleanse and heal me before that.
5. I feel bad that I gave any energy towards trying to expose him.
6. For 2011, I will concentrate on my own happiness. Revenge may feel good at the moment, but it will only hurt me in the long run. I did no contact for 6 months before ,but I lapsed in judgement, thinking we could be “friendly”. NO CONTACT is the only way and surround myself with good energy from friends and family.
Thank you for allowing me to vent.
Dear Whyme,
I differ with you on the “alcohol and drugs” making him mean an dhe was “good” when he was sober.
Alcohol and drugs DIS-INHIBIT, in other words, they take away the inhibitions we all have to act the way we might like to act when we are sober but don’t have the balls to do so. So I think the REAL person is the person who is drunk, not the other way around.
My egg donor’s brother, “Uncle Monster” was a “great guy” when he was sober and he was the biggest abuser and monster, narcissist psychopath when he was drunk (I also think he was probably bi-polar too) but in any case, when he got a snoot full, the REAL HIM came out. Even when he was a child he hated his baby sister and tried to kill her and would smother her until she became unconsious, he did this until he was 14 and she was 7, and their mother knew it, but protected him from his father finding out “because his daddy would spank him and he might run away from home.” Well, when he was 14 and his father caught him at it, daddy did tan his hide, and the smothering stopped, but he started drinking soon after that and abusing his GFs and wives for the rest of his life. He should have been put in prison for the abuse he did to them, and to his mother as well.
Drink was not the problem at all, it only let the mask slip and let him BE the person he wanted to be when he was sober and didn’t have the courage to do so. He had a choice to drink or not drink. So did your abusive drunk. The statistics (I didn’t just come up with that number) is that 75% of all domestic abusers are ALSO psychopaths, but actually I think it is probably higher than that. I think the “anger management classes” are a JOKE. As for the guy who wrote the book and did the classes, I think his ideas are FOS.(full of sheet)
One step,
GOOD FOR YOU! Your mom may not remember what you said to her, but hopefully she will. She may not understand what you said to her but hopefully she will, But if she doesn’t do either, you did the best you could for THAT MOMENT.
I am really glad for you, and proud of you for setting those boundaries. (((Hugs))))
whyme, I agree with one step, there is a posting somewhere in LF abut filling in the blanks with,
A person who loves me would not ________.
We have all made excuses for our abusers, but that is why they can continue. I will order the Betrayal Bond, I think it will help so that I understand more about why I would allow the same creep back in.
A better, healthier, lighter 2011.
thanks oxy. it was pretty amazing. i sent a message to her caregiver, and i never had to interact with the n sire. think the caregiver sorted that, actually. i didn’t ask for it, and i don’t tell her that i want nothing to do with him – but i contact HER for news of mom.
mom is having lots of gastro problems. and i had to let my concern go immediately – i cannot help. i cannot get her to someone who could REALLY help, and i can’t help with her meal plan because i don’t live there – and in that moment, i turned her life over….i cannot change it or help her on that level. And although this idea has driven much of my relationship with her in my life – I will not save her from….
It is no longer my job. I am now a daughter who will do her best to love her and see her. that’s all.
Whyme:
I agree with Oxy and one-step. Your ex used the alchohol/drug scene to justify the abuse. He knew the altered state would take him there…or he used that reason.
I did this too. I blamed my ex’s abusive childhood and excused his behaviors for 14 years…and justified staying in it because “he didnt know any better”.
Mine knew right from wrong but chose to misbehave. And I was wrong to find ANY excuse for him.
One,
I see you getting stronger with your boundaries and it inspires me. As you experienced first hand, what spaths really want is space inside your head. So that’s where we have to put up the boundaries. They want our emotional centers because they have none. We must not give them any emotions, good or bad. Avoiding your sire is what works for you, it’s the right thing to do.
I don’t want you to feel compassion for your spath either. what I was stating was really more of an objective analysis of what might be happening in her spath head and though it is pitiable, we aren’t obligated to overlook the harm she has done. She made a choice. We all do.
Why me,
I agree with One and Ox, all spaths are two faced. mine was the nicest person most of the time. The only time he was a jerk is when I deserved it. it was all my fault. Yours used alcohol as an excuse, that was his “cover”. Mine use my standing up for myself as an excuse. One time he said, “do you think I’m thoughtless?” He was trying to plant the seed in my mind, that his behavior was just normal human thoughtlessness. LOL. I said, “no, you aren’t thoughtless” and I thought to myself, “you are extremely thoughtful in how you choose to be a jerk, you put lots of thought into it.”
oxy – i think you are right about the cowardice and dis inhibition, and that anger management courses are a crock. how could a court ordered anger management course mean anything! Snort!
i interviewd for a job earlei this year – a live in caretaker in a rather unique community building, that among other things, was used by the quakers to run a court ordered anger management course. I found this out at the interview. I had no problem with the groups they expected people to blanch at, but THAT ONE! I looked at the hiring committee like they were nuts; no way in HELL would i put myself in that position.
I think that’s it sky – I want to close access to my ’emotional centre’.
people who earn some egress, get it. tonight, EB has touched it. and yet, i still have to get up and do the things i need to do tonight (work, i am having a hard time moving away from the computer, so i have given myself permission to sort a few papers, turn on my work computer, and then come back here, then go and sort some more…work my way in slowly.)