Lovefraud receives many letters from people who want a sign. Readers ask, “How do I know whether or not someone is a sociopath?” There is one behavior that every sociopath engages in to extreme excess. If I were only allowed one criteria for the diagnosis I would choose this behavior. If someone does not do this thing to extreme excess he/she is certainly not a sociopath. Those of you who have been involved with a sociopath know too well what this one thing is. It is lying.
I enjoy reading old religious texts because I believe there is truly nothing new under the sun. It is comforting to get reassurance of that fact. I mentioned some time ago that female sociopaths are described in the Bible. The cardinal symptom of sociopathy is described best in the Babylonian Talmud! One source I found dated this document to the 6th century.
The Babylonian Talmud describes something called geneivat da’at (literally, theft of one’s mind, thoughts, wisdom, or knowledge), i.e., fooling someone and thereby causing him or her to have a mistaken assumption, belief, and/or impression. The sages believed that there are seven types of thieves and, of these, the most egregious is the one who “steals the minds” of people.
Anyone who has been in contact with a sociopath has had his/her mind stolen. Sociopaths do not interact with anyone without stealing a mind.
Although sociopaths are very proud of their ability to steal minds, this behavior does not make them unique, talented or special. Sociopaths are just the worst species of thief!
Many are baffled by the lying sociopaths engage in. A reader who wrote me recently commented that they lie even when the truth sounds better. Sociopaths continue to lie even after their lies are discovered. This often makes them look silly.
Sociopaths lie in order to steal the minds of others. They do this because of an unrestrained drive for power and control. This drive is present in all of their dealings with others.
The best thing to do if your mind has been stolen by a sociopath is Take it Back! Don’t have any more interactions with that person. Accept that you can never deal with a sociopath without experiencing the theft of your mind.
I really need some help right now, everyone. I love this article, because it reassures me that my ex is a sociopath. I KNOW he lied to me about practically everything. And he cheated on me with several women. But I have since found out about his past two marriages, and although obviously things went very wrong in those relationships, I don’t know any details. I want to know, can pathological lying start later on in life??? I feel like I’m the only one he lied to so extensively. He kept me away from his family and friends, but I know he didn’t do that with his most recent wife. They had a huge wedding; his new girlfriend told me that. And she’s been integrated quickly into his life. I feel like he treated me so differently from the others, at least in terms of keeping me separate from his family and friends. I really don’t want to be with him. I know I should be happy he decided he didn’t want me as much as he wanted the others. I am just SO ANGRY and SO HURT and feel SO ALONE.
Dear Laura,
First off you are NOT ALONE. There are hundreds of us here on LF that have been in your shoes.
Secondly, they NEVER TREAT ANYONE WELL FOR LONG…that means he lied to and cheated on EVERY other woman he has ever been with, or ever will be. He did not treat you badly and them well.
He probably kept you away from his family because he didn’t want them to expose his lies to you, or vice versa.
This man is a LIAR AND A CHEAT….that’s ALL you need to know. You are RID of him physically, now get him out of your head emotionally! TAKE BACK YOUR POWER…knowledge is power! Take it back. (((hugs)))
I wish you could hug me for real, Ox Drover. I feel very alone in a practical sense, too.
But what about the new woman? He exposed her to everybody right away. I know he lied to her about some things, but why did he lie more to me than her? I suppose he picked me because it was an especially fun game for him to see how far he could take his lies and for how long?
Wait…never mind, I know I can’t really understand the mind of a sociopath. Ugh.
Laura, you are right, there is no way we can TRULY understand how they think, or how a dog thinks or a wolf, or a lion. We can only observe their behavior. But the thing is HIS BEHAVIOR WAS CRUEL, MEAN, DISHONEST AND HURTFUL TO YOU…and believe me it WILL BE cruel, mean, dishonest and hurtful to her as well.
I wish I could hug you too. But a cyber hug is the best I can do, that and my best wishes for your healing. READ READ READ and learn learn learn, the more you learn the stronger you will become and the more you will realize they are pretty much all alike..WORTHLESS.
Laura
I went thru the same thing you did. In 4 years I met his kids once. His friends didn’t know about me or at least the truth about me. He was smearing me to them and telling total lies about our relationship. I’m pretty sure he told them I was an old friend he was helping out and got obsessed with him and started stalking him. Not true. I had outed him 2 years prior and it probably was his way of getting back at me. I am older than him and his friends are a lot younger than him. In his eyes I didn’t do anything for his social status and it would have looked kind of strange for him to introduce his girlfriend (me) whom he was smearing to his friends. He had his screwed up reasons for keeping you quiet. They tell so many lies that they can’t keep track of them and they get overwhelmed with all the women they are messing with. Mine told me he put people into categories. I now know what “category” I was in. I talked to his x fiance after the fact. He did try for 2 years with her and she was a very good person. In his eyes a real keeper. She really is a good person. Has all the qualities he wanted because he thought it made him look good but,….He couldn’t keep it together. Even for her. He called her and asked her to pick up his kids who were visiting for part of the summer because he had been arrested for theft. For 2 more years it all went to hell until she finally had enough. Ox Drover is right on. They never change for anyone. They can’t. None of his future girlfriends or wives will ever be “THE ONE” for long. I feel the same way you do because I was discarded also. I have to keep telling myself I am one of his fortunate ones even though it hurts incredibly bad. He stalked his former x for a year. He has been a liar since he figured out that lying gets him something. Probably at a very young age. It gets better. It just takes time. Remember…these are not normal breakups.
Laura,
He is what he is, and it’s only a matter of time before it happens again.
These people (I cringe at using that term for them), are good at making things look good, if not perfect…from the inside and out. He is trying to show that he is a changed man and that the previous only happened because _____(fill in whatever blame he FALSELY places on you) She’s a game for him too. It’s only a matter of time before he shows his true colors.
I understand how you know that you should be happy that he decided he wanted others more than you. We should be happy, but it’s still rejection…hurtful rejection from someone that was special to us and thought felt the same way about us. It is a blessing to be discarded by them…one day we’ll realize…I’m far from that poiint, but moving forward a little each day.
I have to see one of his newest targets each day. In a twisted way, I have some jealously about it. What does she have that I don’t? Is she prettier, smarter, etc.? She is fresh meat to him, that’s really all it is. She is a really nice person, but she thinks he is a great friend and not looking for anything further. But I know his MO, and I actually got him to admit that he did have other intentions regarding her.
kmillercats:
Right on! Everything you said is so true. Reminds me a lot of mine. He also puts people into categories. You are right when you say they can’t change. It’s true. Even if they try, they just can’t. I think some do try and it does make me have pity. They are just not capable. I think this is why they are miserable. Maybe we should look at it as they let us go because they didn’t want to slime us anymore…maybe they thought we were good and they knew they couldn’t keep it together…that we would be better off without them. They were doing us a favor by discarding us. You are also right about the lying. You bet they figure out it gets them what they want and they use it!
moving past the facade:
Are you sure you don’t work where I used to work? 🙂
LL
what a great post. for the longest time I have been wondering why mh spath chose to be with the woman he is now with. I never quite figured it out until Iread it clearly in your post.
his needs changed. he wanted sex from me.
he wants money from her. and she is a beard.
there is no such thing as love. just fake bullshit and fantasy.
thank you, LL
Laura19, everything that the spath does is for appearances, ONLY. What he’s done with or to his current wife is unknown – you do not have a direct line into her head or her heart, so you cannot possibly “know” what she’s really experiencing. You are only “seeing” the surface of the pond. Underneath that surface swims a very nasty predator that only comes up to FEED.
You’re not alone, even though you are feeling as if you are. This is temporary – once you get some time under your belt away from the spath, away from those who want to TELL you about what he’s doing, and away from the enablers, you will feel so much better.
It doesn’t seem like it, now, but time will pass and you will begin some serious recovery. It takes time, and there is no set schedule for how each person heals and recovers.
Brightest blessings of support and encouragement