Lovefraud receives many letters from people who want a sign. Readers ask, “How do I know whether or not someone is a sociopath?” There is one behavior that every sociopath engages in to extreme excess. If I were only allowed one criteria for the diagnosis I would choose this behavior. If someone does not do this thing to extreme excess he/she is certainly not a sociopath. Those of you who have been involved with a sociopath know too well what this one thing is. It is lying.
I enjoy reading old religious texts because I believe there is truly nothing new under the sun. It is comforting to get reassurance of that fact. I mentioned some time ago that female sociopaths are described in the Bible. The cardinal symptom of sociopathy is described best in the Babylonian Talmud! One source I found dated this document to the 6th century.
The Babylonian Talmud describes something called geneivat da’at (literally, theft of one’s mind, thoughts, wisdom, or knowledge), i.e., fooling someone and thereby causing him or her to have a mistaken assumption, belief, and/or impression. The sages believed that there are seven types of thieves and, of these, the most egregious is the one who “steals the minds” of people.
Anyone who has been in contact with a sociopath has had his/her mind stolen. Sociopaths do not interact with anyone without stealing a mind.
Although sociopaths are very proud of their ability to steal minds, this behavior does not make them unique, talented or special. Sociopaths are just the worst species of thief!
Many are baffled by the lying sociopaths engage in. A reader who wrote me recently commented that they lie even when the truth sounds better. Sociopaths continue to lie even after their lies are discovered. This often makes them look silly.
Sociopaths lie in order to steal the minds of others. They do this because of an unrestrained drive for power and control. This drive is present in all of their dealings with others.
The best thing to do if your mind has been stolen by a sociopath is Take it Back! Don’t have any more interactions with that person. Accept that you can never deal with a sociopath without experiencing the theft of your mind.
Louise,
The emails did seem like just friend emails. But the later messages (he told her he had been caught by his immediate supervisor and couldn’t email her anymore) he goes from subtle flirting to over the top innappropriate comments to her(you’re cute, can I be your asprin?, and more). She actually asks him, ‘Are you OK? Did you have a spiked lunch, or something?
Today is his first day back from vacation. I haven’t had to deal with him or see him yet, haven’t got any emails or texts from him…but it’s still early. I am running through possible scenarios in my head to practice my ‘gray rock’. I listened to angry music on my drive in to prepare myself. And I even picked up a small gray stone from the parking lot, to keep in my pocket to squeeze and remind me of what I need to do. I know that may sound a little corny, but I thought it would help.
moving past the facade:
I love that you put a gray rock in your pocket. That is fantastic! Use it! I’ll be thinking about you…
I avoided him today as much as I could. No emails, no texts. I saw him from afar a few times. But a situation came up where I had to talk to him. As I headed towards him, I reached into my pocket to feel my gray rock. It reminded me what I needed to do.
There were other people there, but as soon as he saw me his eyes lit up – ‘Hey you’ he said brightly. He wished me a happy new year, I dryly wished him the same. I went over what I needed to with him- directly and flat. As I did this, he seemed a little puzzled. But part of our history was to act similarly, so that people didn’t catch on to us. I did what I needed to do and excused myself from the group.
I walked away so proud of myself. But as soon as I was alone, I started thinking about everything that had happened and started to tear up again. Now I’m feeling a whirlwind of emotions. I thought I was so prepared for this first encounter, after my long weekend with no contact. But after seeing him back in the same place where the lies started…I feel like I have taken a step back emotionally.
moving past the facade,
You did great! The gray rock in your pocket worked. You didn’t feed HIM your emotions. You kept your boundaries.
If you needed to let off some of that in private that is understandable. Some people here on LF have talked about “scheduling” their melt downs. I think it was darwins’mom who said that she rented a tear-jerker movie and indulged in some crying with a friend. It’s a way to release the stresses and get some relief.
For now, just expect that it’s going to be hard to control those emotions so have an escape plan ready each time you have to meet with him. Make sure you have some time to go to a private place and let go of the stress.
Dear moving, I’m with Skylar, YOU DID GREAT! TOWANDA!! That’s our Love Fraud war cry from the movie “Friend Green Tomatoes” LOL
Seriously, the little rock in your pocket is a GREAT IDEA!!!! Keep it up, you are doing well, and it WILL be difficult seeing him, and he will eventually try to get you off to yourself to talk to you, AVOID that at all costs, and if necessary and he gets you trapped, tell him, CALMLY and FLATLY, “leave me alone, NOW!” then turn and walk away.
moving past the facade:
Yes, you did a great job! I can see why he was a little puzzled. It probably seemed a bit odd to him why you were acting so coldly.
Of course it’s going to be hard. I think I mentioned that a long time ago when I wrote how hard it’s going to be to go No Contact or even gray rock as long as you have to work with him. Every time you see him, you are going to have all these emotional feelings, but there is really nothing you can do. I would be a mess if I had to do that. Outwardly very strong, but inside a mess. Keep us updated please…
Towanda, Moving!
Don’t feel bad or guilty about crying or sad or hurt. Sky’s right. Plan some private area to breakdown where you can allow yourself to feel that way.
I would literally throw a “pity-party”: tearjerker movie, bottle, hankies, a friend, ice-cream or chocolate cake… the whole shabang. Aside from crying in each other’s arms we’d also end up laughing our heads off over it though. In a way, by doing it this way, I actually didn’t feel as miserably lonely that way. And I could function.
Thanks all. I already feel better. I will not let him see me break down, again. When it all started to unravel, I broke down in front of him more than once….’I hate to see you like this, I just want to hold you’. No, buddy, you don’t hate it..you love it, you feed on it. No more soul food from me.
I scheduled my first therapy appointment today, and started reading ‘The Sociopath Next Door’. First chapter and already so much insight.
Dear moving….keep on reading…if you haven’t done donna’s book Red Flags of Love Fraud, do it next, then Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare..then SNAKES IN SUITS WHEN PSYCHOPATHS GO TO WORK by Hare and another guy…I think the SNAKES book will be very good for you considering your situation.
Good job, keep on reading and learning and growing! (((hugs)))
Moving, TOWANDA!!!! See? You did fine!
I know that it’s difficult because our past experiences with the spaths have caused us to react and attempt to predict, but that can really lead to severe anxiety – at least, it does for me. I’ve always attempted to predict bad outcomes because it’s been a conditioned “response” to any given situation. In spite of spaths’ guarantees and promises, things never were “better,” so why should I expect ANYthing to be okay? It’s taken some time, but I’m not as much of a panic-junkie, anymore. Doesn’t mean that I still don’t panic, but it’s just NOT as often, not as intense, and not of such great duration.
GOOD GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brightest blessings