Lovefraud receives many letters from people who want a sign. Readers ask, “How do I know whether or not someone is a sociopath?” There is one behavior that every sociopath engages in to extreme excess. If I were only allowed one criteria for the diagnosis I would choose this behavior. If someone does not do this thing to extreme excess he/she is certainly not a sociopath. Those of you who have been involved with a sociopath know too well what this one thing is. It is lying.
I enjoy reading old religious texts because I believe there is truly nothing new under the sun. It is comforting to get reassurance of that fact. I mentioned some time ago that female sociopaths are described in the Bible. The cardinal symptom of sociopathy is described best in the Babylonian Talmud! One source I found dated this document to the 6th century.
The Babylonian Talmud describes something called geneivat da’at (literally, theft of one’s mind, thoughts, wisdom, or knowledge), i.e., fooling someone and thereby causing him or her to have a mistaken assumption, belief, and/or impression. The sages believed that there are seven types of thieves and, of these, the most egregious is the one who “steals the minds” of people.
Anyone who has been in contact with a sociopath has had his/her mind stolen. Sociopaths do not interact with anyone without stealing a mind.
Although sociopaths are very proud of their ability to steal minds, this behavior does not make them unique, talented or special. Sociopaths are just the worst species of thief!
Many are baffled by the lying sociopaths engage in. A reader who wrote me recently commented that they lie even when the truth sounds better. Sociopaths continue to lie even after their lies are discovered. This often makes them look silly.
Sociopaths lie in order to steal the minds of others. They do this because of an unrestrained drive for power and control. This drive is present in all of their dealings with others.
The best thing to do if your mind has been stolen by a sociopath is Take it Back! Don’t have any more interactions with that person. Accept that you can never deal with a sociopath without experiencing the theft of your mind.
there is a place. I found my narcisist already posted on datingpsychos.com. Wish I knew about it before, but that’s part of the recovery, visitings sights like that. There’s also womansavers.com. You can put a name if you want and a warning so that if someone meets them and knows to search around they might find him/her there. I used to think it was cheesy and wrong, not anymore. To see other women write comments under the name of a man that you were involved with is very comforting. And maybe it will save another woman the heart ache.
Quite simply, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head!
Ingenious!
This appears to be the one criteria that I think exemplifies this class of people.
Hey, I’ve got to visit a new site or two and I am glad to see that there is more organized fighting back.
It is so true that continuing to lie after they have been found out just makes them look “silly”. I approached my sociopath with emails that he had written to a girl he was cheating on me with and even with me sitting there with emails in hand he tried at least three lies, one right after the other until he finally gave up. He had the nerve to try to tell me that he had written them to me (they were obviously not to me and nothing written in them pertained to me) and then when that didn’t work he was stupid enough to try to tell me that he had written them to himself???!! What a total moron! In the email he was saying that the person he was writing to was like a ten minute movie that he wished was seven hours and then a sequel! Sure, he wrote that to himself. Idiot. I can actually laugh about that one. I broke up with him that very night and I haven’t seen him or heard from him for over a year and I’m perfectly content with that. He is simply someone else’s problem now as far as I’m concerned.
Sorry we have heard some really bad stuff about Womansavers from a number of ex-members.
If you come to OUR SITE – on the right hand column there’s a list called EXPOSE THEM. There’s tons of sites on the web, including ours, that do that.
Remember do NOT do it for revenge but to help the next possible victim & society at large. And only post the truth.
Sunny, we got hit by the same guy, just in separate bodies.
I thought I was loved, even spoiled, until the day he told me what I think of as the Last Lie. Yeah, in capitals. It was such a stupid lie, one I would have had to be soooo dumb to believe, and something I could even PROVE was a lie. Something snapped, he always had an excuse for everything, and they were such small things…
But after 14 years I was broke, sick, living in filth with no money and few friends…those all on the internet. I didn’t even see it. Sure, I wondered why he kept the place a pig sty. Now I see it was because I couldn’t invite anyone over. All those accidental “mistakes” with my medications, they nearly killed me, and would have if people hadn’t gotten suspicious. I had even asked him straight out if he was having an affair AND BELIEVED HIM WHEN HE SAID NO! I didn’t even check it out, I trusted him so much. But it only took a few minutes to find out once I knew he was lying about everything else. He even used exactly the same words to her as he just had to me the night before. Internet sex is perfect for him, no real involvement, less chance of being caught.
Everyday I have to watch what I think. I accepted so much, about such little things. Whether an appliance works, when the pharmacy is open (a LOT more than he said it was!). I know he lied about me to other people too, further cutting me off from the world. Now I really now what “blind” faith means.
He hides behind a Mr. Nice Guy image. We used to joke about that, and about his always having an excuse…back when I had a friend. Now I know WHY that “nice guy” image is so important to him. He targets women who are ill or have emotional problems. It’s not money or sex, it’s control he wants. He wants the “oh he’s so wonderful, taking care of her like that” trip. And he’s hard to detect because he seems so sweet, never a harsh word, little presents, little kindnesses. Only when you look back do you see just how “little” those things were. A friend said “he never refuses you anything” and I thought, even back then “that’s because I know what I can ask for.” He rarely refused me anything. He agreed to almost everthing I wanted. Then he did exactly what he wanted, the promises didn’t happen, but he would distract me with some other sweet thing, or such a good excuse…
I’ve been kicking myself lately because I gave him all the information on how exactly to hurt me the most. At least now I know I’m “normal” on something.
I can’t help but wonder what story he is giving the new women. I’m willing to bet I was the love of his life who died tragically, after years of his careful nursing and sacrifice.
When I confronted him with his lies, when he couldn’t fake it any more, all traces of Mr. Nice Guy disappeared. He showed his true self, and it’s a good thing my daughter was there at the time, or I would have thought I had delusions, he was so completely different. And what he said when I asked him why he told me all those lies? “I’m a nice guy, I didn’t want to hurt you…”
Nope, just kill me slowly by tampering with my medications and drugging me. I still don’t know if I’m going to survive this. But at least if I don’t, he won’t get the satisfaction of knowing it.
When I was going through my custody case with my ex we had to meet with lawyers and the family court officers. During these meetings my ex would boldly accuse me of some lie and then when noone was looking, he would laugh at me as if to say, “ha! ha!” Two times I tried to point this out to the group. I said, “He just laughed at me!” I wanted them all to see that he was lying. My ex looked so surprised when I pointed out his laughter and denied it, acting so earnest! My lawyer told me not to say it again because it made me look immature. I ended up not looking directly at my ex throughout the remainder of our court appearances, but I often sensed him trying to make eye contact.
I think, for me, the hardest thing in acknowledging that everything was a lie – was that I couldn’t “fix” it or excuse it. I had to take it on the chin – that I had been conned – sucked dry by some horrible spider – that I was now an (almost) empty husk – a trophy to be left hanging in his web among all the others – while he toyed with the next victim(s).
The lies were sometimes so small – but they built up a picture I wanted to believe – which in retrospect had no foundation. On the other hand, sometimes the lies were so blatant that had he been on a stage with a microphone, the audience would have been rolling in the aisles. The inconsistencies were often breath-taking. If the inconsistencies were pointed out, he would laugh them off (just testing to see if you were listening) or he would accuse me of imagining or hearing things which didn’t happen. When someone virtually tells you that you are going mad, your attention is diverted from them to yourself – did that really happen? Did I misinterpret what I saw or heard? Am I going round the twist?
This can be a very isolating experience – especially if everyone else thinks he is “Mr Wonderful” (he actually captioned one of his photos this way for the funeral “order of service” when he learnt he was dying of lung cancer).
I would add a third criteria – being kept off balance – never knowing what is fact or fiction. Your belief in your own understanding, perceptions, instincts, education, experiences, judgement are put at jeopardy. Your picture of how the world – and your own mind – works, are un-balanced. It can be exciting, addictive – but inevitably disorienting and destructive.
Anyone who has not been in the spider’s web cannot truly understand the hurt that is done to the victim’s core being. On this website there are people who do understand. Thankyou!!!!
I had my dealings with one of these Sciopaths/Narcissist people. These people are not real. They are Emotional Vampires. They will steal everything you have from your hard earned money to your mental state and leave you with nothing. They will leave you thinking that it is all your fault why the relationship did not work out. These Mortal Lucifers will use anything and everything against you. Beware.
Mine was so good at lying and playing “Mr. perfect, nice guy” That I never even realised nearly everything he told me was a lie. Now that I know the truth and exposed him, his lies are that I’m crazy, etc…
It is very hard to explain what we’ve gone through, you can actually see people’s eye’s glaze over and you realise how crazy you sound.
There are several cheater exposing websites. I posted my ex on all of them to try to warn other women. The way I see it, he may convince women that I am just crazy & posted him out of spite, but atleast it will be in the back of their minds making it harder to ignore the red flags and gut feelings. They also may not so blindly accept everything he tells them.
The sites are: datingpsychos, playersandpsychos, cheaterdb, womansavers, and dontdatehimgirl.
Moving on said:
“He hides behind a Mr. Nice Guy image. We used to joke about that, and about his always having an excuse”back when I had a friend. Now I know WHY that “nice guy” image is so important to him. He targets women who are ill or have emotional problems. It’s not money or sex, it’s control he wants. He wants the “oh he’s so wonderful, taking care of her like that” trip. And he’s hard to detect because he seems so sweet, never a harsh word, little presents, little kindnesses. Only when you look back do you see just how “little” those things were. A friend said “he never refuses you anything” and I thought, even back then “that’s because I know what I can ask for.” He rarely refused me anything. He agreed to almost everthing I wanted. Then he did exactly what he wanted, the promises didn’t happen, but he would distract me with some other sweet thing, or such a good excuse””
UMMMM This is EXACTLY how mine operated!!! Yes distraction is what it was… ugh… what a loser!
Oh well… I am curious to see where his life ends up in a year… moron… he had it so good with me… we could have had a house – he could have gone to school — he just wanted to take the easy (sleazy) way out.
Let’s see all the things I hate about him….
1. He sweated so much it literally dripped from his armpits which grossed me out.
2. He always smelled a little off.
3. He couldn’t hold a job for more than 3 months.
4. His chronic cough from smoking so much pot.
5. His lies about EVERYTHING.
6. They way his stomach hanged over in places during sex.
7. How he never properly cleaned his ears.
8. How he talked through the side of his mouth.
9. His screeching voice when he was angry or telling a lie or denying a lie.
10. The stupid way he walked like a punk.
11. The way he pouted and batted his eyes to get his way.
Ugh I can’t think of anymore right now.
He was goodlooking and has the most intense blue eyes you will ever see in your life.
Though I am sure they were like sharks eyes… cold and lifeless.
Maybe he is just a CHILD and I just couldn’t stand being in a relationship with a child.
I hate myself.