Lovefraud receives many letters from people who want a sign. Readers ask, “How do I know whether or not someone is a sociopath?” There is one behavior that every sociopath engages in to extreme excess. If I were only allowed one criteria for the diagnosis I would choose this behavior. If someone does not do this thing to extreme excess he/she is certainly not a sociopath. Those of you who have been involved with a sociopath know too well what this one thing is. It is lying.
I enjoy reading old religious texts because I believe there is truly nothing new under the sun. It is comforting to get reassurance of that fact. I mentioned some time ago that female sociopaths are described in the Bible. The cardinal symptom of sociopathy is described best in the Babylonian Talmud! One source I found dated this document to the 6th century.
The Babylonian Talmud describes something called geneivat da’at (literally, theft of one’s mind, thoughts, wisdom, or knowledge), i.e., fooling someone and thereby causing him or her to have a mistaken assumption, belief, and/or impression. The sages believed that there are seven types of thieves and, of these, the most egregious is the one who “steals the minds” of people.
Anyone who has been in contact with a sociopath has had his/her mind stolen. Sociopaths do not interact with anyone without stealing a mind.
Although sociopaths are very proud of their ability to steal minds, this behavior does not make them unique, talented or special. Sociopaths are just the worst species of thief!
Many are baffled by the lying sociopaths engage in. A reader who wrote me recently commented that they lie even when the truth sounds better. Sociopaths continue to lie even after their lies are discovered. This often makes them look silly.
Sociopaths lie in order to steal the minds of others. They do this because of an unrestrained drive for power and control. This drive is present in all of their dealings with others.
The best thing to do if your mind has been stolen by a sociopath is Take it Back! Don’t have any more interactions with that person. Accept that you can never deal with a sociopath without experiencing the theft of your mind.
change06: the only thing holding me back from the support group idea is that I’m afraid it will attract sociopaths! I could just see them using it as a resource! As tempted as I am, I have not contacted him again. I did see him last Friday, he decided to attend my send-off party after work (my last day of having to see him at my former job)–he was witty and charming as ever and since no one there knows about our relationship he didn’t need to worry about appearances. He spent the end of evening telling a group of women at the table the hell he went through a couple of years ago when he got involved with a woman at work who was a sociopath! He had to take 6 weeks off on disability because of thoughts of suicide. God, that’s rich! I really wanted to send an e-mail after that, but I knew it would never make a difference–he will never see the irony. It will never change his behavior. I am hoping that since I am changing jobs, I will be able to get him out of my head once and for all. Although I’m sure that is wishful thinking. It helps me to read Secret Monster’s blog from time to time–I feel like I can climb into the head of sociopath and get some understanding. It also keeps me from communicating–because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction–he’s already gotten too much at my expense already.
Distraught- Hi, I too read Secret Monters blog it keeps me in “their” mind.
I am glad to hear you are changing jobs!! Excellent, another step for you!
You must have been gridding your teeth listening to him talking about being involved with a sociopath. How hilarious really. Fight your tempation though, his appearance could be one of his “tricks” for you. A little lure to suck you back-even for a moment. Not good!
No contact, no contact, no contact!! It is so true and it is the first and foremost thing we must do for ourselves!!
I hear you about a group attracting fellow S’s. How scary!
I too work with my S. I dont have to see too much of him, but any site of him is too much. I feel so weak inside yet I feel so determined to feel nothing. I wish I could change jobs, but I cant justify losing a good job because of him.
I too read Secret Monster’s blog. It is very disturbing to me to read – I cant believe sometimes that a human being lives with those dark thoughts and evil ways. Yet, it helps me to keep my S in perspective and to remember what I’m dealing with – that is so very expertly hidden.
Ellejay. You hit the nail on the head for me. Ive said here that I still feel – after 6 months of finishing things – that I have been robbed. Robbed of peace of mind.
Like many others here, I would consider myself a kind nurturing woman, he used and abused that. He spun his sordid fantasy and after many difficult relationships in my life, this has been the worst ever. At the finish he ran for the hills, determined to hide from me, as I was demanding answers. I said I wanted answers, he said he didnt want to see me presently, I said that if I didnt get answers he could remove his stuff from my place. I returned home to find him frantically stuffing his things in bags determined to avoid me, but I called home early. He gruffly said he had ‘no comment’ and he left. I wished at that point I had a big burly brother to smash his face. I had no option but to write to him and I called him a deceitful coward. Everything about him was cowardly, the lies he told me, not only about his present goings on, but his past life, all cleverly spun to portray him as victim.
Even at the end, he couldnt face up to his misdemeanours, which he was carryiing out in secret, the women at work, (many of them married) he was lining up. I rang one of them, and he had sent sexual messages to her on my phone (he asked to lend from me) (cheek!), she absolutely denied it, saying they were work mates. After that he sent a family member round to tell me not to contact him and that I would be done for harrassment – fancy getting his sister to finish off his dirty work. She even told me that he had mentioned the woman at work and that he had contemplated a relationship, but because she was married he declined – he was even conning his sister with his dirty lies and she collaborated, possibly out of duty to him. Abuse by proxy.
What a loser, he has nothing, a man in mid life, who owns probably 3 or 4 boxes of stuff for his life’s work. In fact, when he moves accommodation, he throws alot of it away. He keeps light, no committments or possessions, he ups and leaves and moves to other areas.He has nothing else, no car, no passport, no money. I must have been crazy to think I could build a life with him.
He leaves a trail of broken relationships but I believe that he cons himself into thinking that each new woman will be the right one and that all the past women have defects. He is perfect of course. This is part of his destructive cycle. These people should come with a health warning written on their foreheads.
Beverly: Mine literally ran for the hills, too. He even came back, broke into my house destroying a door beyond repair, grabbed a few belongings and took off. We had just made arrangements 2 days before for him to come and collect his belongings. He convinced everyone that I was “dangerous”. Really?!?!? Give me a flippin’ break! He NEVER returned for the rest of his “junk”–yes it was literally junk! I gave him 90 days after our divoce was final to collect it and on day 91–12 loads went straight to the landfill. They don’t care anything about their previous belongings because they know they’re about to sucker yet another victim into giving them what they want. They wear us out–take all from us they can get–and then start fresh. My ex s has a real sucker now. She’s barely 30, was married to the same man since she was 17 and divorced him for my ex. She says she’s never had anyone pay her the attention or show her the kind of love my ex s does. I’ve sent her all the information regarding S’s and she says that she doesn’t see how the description fits him at all! She’s convinced that I took everything from him! He had NOTHING to take!!!!!
And, yes, I SO agree with you about them going from woman to woman looking for one who will FIX them. Hey! Mine even told me that since he was with me nearly 8 years, that I was his record and I should feel good about that. This came from a man whose life I literally saved. Sometimes now, I wish I would have let him die!
I think even some of his family members thinks the “right” woman will fix him! However, others say that he has a serious problem and is a predator! I agree with that. He’s 40 years old and has left a trail of destruction everywhere he’s been–2 women with children of his to raise alone! Thank God, I wasn’t one of those!
Tami, He introduced me to his best mate, a man who has fathered 6 children by 6 women and doesnt give a jot for any of them. I kept asking myself the same questions – Why is he friends with this kind of man – Why doesnt he have any possessions – why does he live in squalor – why does he refuse to get a passport or driving licence – why does he work 60 hours a week and still have no money before next payday – why has he got in excess of 12 mobile phones – why has he got 85 pages of jobs – why does he move around all over the place – why does he want to be consigned to medical science on his death – why does he want to be sketched by an art class – why doesnt he want to drive a car – why does he hate children – why does he hide behind his mobile phone – why does his voicemail say that if he doesnt return your call, you are the one he is avoiding – why did he say his first sexual encounter was at 31! Why for a man of 40 does he still ride a bicycle – why does he carry out the same habits – why why why??. So much odd behaviour, so many unanswered questions – so many gaps, so many things they dont want you to know.
I realised more about who he was after I finished with him, then when I was with him and his narcissistic behaviour. The reason he wants to be sketched and donated to medical science is that he wants his moment of glory and the final satisfaction of knowing that there will be no record of him at the end ever – his final moment of one upmanship – neat eh!
LOL (empathetic LOL) Beverly – the things that stick out for me there are the medical science and art class. Why do they say these weird things?! Mine loved that Bodyworks exhibition and had an obsession with skulls. I’m worried of saying too much more in case he finds himself somewhere like this.
Once we’ve established the basic stuff – the lying and the circumstances – I find it’s these details that are most fascinating. The ones that, no matter how much you read, make you think ‘BUT WHY?!’
The victim before me had a convertible car and apparently he always begged her to take the roof down when they drove in it, even in bad weather.
YET…I have a convertible car too and the first time we drove out in it on a beautiful summer’s day he said ‘Don’t take the roof down, it’s a tacky thing to do.’ WHY?!!
I think that they prey and pounce on people because they see a gain out of it.-Some benefit for them, even if it is for a moment of satisfaction. Whether money, sex, contacts, power etc.
And sometimes in their minds they may believe that this one is the one for me. But, when they suck you dry and you cant produce anymore, and you lack luster; they move on. It is the nature of the beast. Seek, conquer, destroy, disgard.
Like a play thing. They find a toy they want to play with, get it and play with it so much it breaks, so they throw it out and look for a new one.
Oh and the family thing- MY S’s family are all “nuts” as well. They all walk around like zombies they are on so much medication. They all are manipulators and users. But I think My S is the greatest manipulator of them. He knows it too, one time he even bet me to see if he could get his mother to give him a new patio set she bought for herself. I do think his mother believes the right woman will help him, make him happy whatever. She has even told me, my son has been with alot of woman, he has sleeped with this one and that one BUT no one has been able to hold him down. As if to say he is so great and he has yet to find his perfect mate. Can you say SOCIOPATH! He is a sociopath woman there is no perfect mate for him. Your son is screwed up, he is beyond help or repair. She is a S herself probably so how would she know or care –HA
To changeo6 – You really summed it up here. Seek, conquer, destroy, disgard – that bit really hurts. As one of the other contributors said, it is like being with two different people, the one you really love and want to care for, the other mask, a sick manipulative lying deceiver. You dont know which one you are dealing with. In snapshops, you really believe that at some small times, they really did believe what they said, I want to believe this – but at times I dont know what was real and what was fake.
The other difficult part for me is trying to get him out of my head. I cant not think about him. He crowds into my mind and is always there in the background. Its like he has invaded my thinking life and I dont want him to, I dont want to be a part of him forever.
I too am a co-dependent adult female of a narcisstic father and a schizophrenic mother – its no wonder I was in this kind of relationship and that realisation has been a shocker for me, not just about him, but about myself.
Thank goodness for this site! X
Yes..sociopaths take your mind..I finally took my mind back..it took a long time to get this man, the ex husband out of my mind..when I finally did, it brought forth major healing..I am a wonderful mind today and it is all mine!
He is so cunning and manipulative..he actually turned my children agaisnt me and it took several years to regain respect with the children..he did a number on them major..today they are adults and finally see the truth about their father! We have completely cut off all contact with him..it was the best thing we did for ourselves!