Isn’t it strange how the mind works? I read with approval Dr Leedom’s latest post. In it she manages to be at once hard-nosed, realistic, and still keep positve. There are very real differences in the brains of those with psychopathic traits, she writes, but the brain is plastic and therein lies just a sliver of hope.
For some reason the opening lines of Martin Amis‘ novel House of Meetings came back to me. It is set in the Soviet Union:
Dear Venus
If what they say is true, and my country is dying, then I think I may be able to tell them why. You see, kid, the conscience is a vital organ, and not an extra like the tonsils or the adenoids.
Amis has also written a stunning nonfiction book about Stalinism, Koba the Dread, which has its own staggering opening:
Here is the second sentence in Robert Conquest‘s The Harvest of Sorrow: Collectivization and the Terror-Famine:
We may perhaps put this in perspective in the present case by saying that in the actions here recorded about twenty human lives were lost for, not every word, but every letter of this book.
That sentence represents 3,020 lives. The book is 411 pages long.
And then I remembered that Amis’ cousin Lucy Partington was murdered by the infamous serial killer Fred West! How could I have forgotten? Amis wrote wrenchingly about it in Experience:
My family cannot understand the extraordinary collision that allowed him to touch our lives, and I have no wish to prolong that contact. But he is here now, in my head; I want him excised. And Frederick West is uncontrollable: he is uncontrollable. For now he will get from me a one-sentence verdict…. West was a sordid inadequate who was trained by his childhood to addict himself to the moment when impotence became prepotence.
Amis clearly knows a thing or two about psychopathy. Consider his compact ‘verdict’:
a sordid inadequate
-
- – this suggests ignoble actions and motives arousing moral distaste and contempt combined with a biological lack
trained by his childhood – dysfunctional modelling and upbringing by his family and surroundings
addict himself – this both highlights the central, pleasurable place wickedness played in his life and emphasises the crucial place of will (he didn’t become addicted he addicted himself)
to the moment when impotence became prepotence – here is the defining characteristic of the psychopath: he lives for the moments when his power or influence over others occur. Deep beneath this is a secret fear/knowledge of his utter unimportance/worthlessness.
Amis, through the imaginative power of the artist, has captured remarkably well the heart of the matter.
He is not an easy read, but it now occurs to me that in a way our theme has been one of his central themes. For example, Lovefraud readers have recently written worried letters about the perpetuation of psychopathy among the young via antisocial social environments and psychopathic genes. Time magazine’s recent cover story is about the phenomenon of youth delinquency in Britain. Amis was ahead of the curve when he wrote about it in his novel Yellow Dog.
His forthcoming book is a collection of essays on 9/11 called The Second Plane. (You can read one essay, ‘The Age of Horrorism’ , here.) The collection has received a lot of negative comment: Amis is a racist, etc. Well I’ve read a lot of Amis’ work and and can’t square with that judgement. (What he says is that Islamofascism produces awful racist feelings in him and he doesn’t know what to do with them.) I wonder whether some of the objections to his book are due to what we at Lovefraud encounter all the time: regular folks’ refusal to believe in human evil. These are the fortunate people who have not fully encountered evil – hope their luck holds out.
————————
Back to Dr. Leedom’s article – she makes it clear that the small candle of hope she holds out is not for the full-blown psychopaths Amis writes about, but for those with psychopathic traits.
Silvermoon,
Your posts hit home with me.
I could be so far along in my recovery/healing process and yet deep deep down inside I have ever so tiny but recurring haunting moments, thoughts, memories drifting in and out…but much less drifting in as time passes by.
I dont know what to attribute both to. The continued healing and the continued haunting. I find myself having conversations with myself by way of encouraging inner strength… things like…ok..this is what happened…this is what I need to do…this is part of life…this person was UNABLE to be a person of his word and unable to love me – so why isnt it easier to let go?
For me, I found it was my experience of loving another, of giving, of caring, of trusting, of believing so intensely/intently…and that has challenged me to LET GO of that. As the years go by (cant believe its 2 years now…Ive decided NOT to LET GO of THAT about myself — but to HOLD ON to it for others who appreciate me. He did not. Well, not to the extent of it being heartfelt and real – he was just surviving off of me, my goodness.
I chose the wrong person. The wrong person chose me. I have days where I dont need the troops and the support and the validation – I have moments where I can accept the truth with peacefulness (I never had that before)…and then there are moments when I could curl up in the fetal position and bawl like a baby – how did I get here? why is it so hard to let one unhealthy toxic person go?? Then I see – thats the part of me that has to become a bit more healthier in that regard — that part is the unsettled unhealthy uncertain unknown part of myself — its not about him — and its ok with me — I like the journey of coming into my own — slow as molasses – but steadier as go, each and everyday.
There is no rush, there is no timeframe. There is only a commitment to keep moving forward. Keep allowing myself to be who I am and where I am and not beat myself up.
We have already let THEM go. We have to let ourselves let go in order to set ourselves free. Is there an easier way? It has helped me to keep focusing that his choices were pisspoor and ultimately my choices not to choose loving myself and respecting myself over another first — were both a combination of making the perfect storm for us.
So what choices now will bring me back to being able to “sing in the rain” again?
Healthy choices – including but not limited to letting myself let go — but holding on to what I choose to in my heart. And choosing to live in the here and now…consciously choosing to embrace the day ahead of me each morning…it may be a boring day, it may be filled with family, friends or solitutde or something new…but it will no longer be filled with an unhealthy relationship with a toxic person whom I loved and cared about but who was stunting my growth and spirit and learning and growth- and being rid of that in and of itself makes life easier as I go. Not always easy to see that tho! 🙂
Letting go is never easy – but its doable — over time. You are getting there too. I can hear it in your words. That little girl inside of us is growing and maturing and willingly letting go of the unhealthy connection we made in our lives. Its ok and its going to be ok! We have ourselves to thank for our progress and taking the steps to let go…
We are doing it… we ALL are! Towanda/Towando!!!!!
Hi Silvermoon,
I too have been stuck lately. Not only on my recent xS troubles but on negative family ties and the bad men and boys of my past. For me it’s a combination of the “fool” moon, a special occasion not shared with my biological family(as well as the xS to some degree) AND getting deeper into the Betrayal Bond.
>I have learned how to talk to my inner child and to calm her down, I know I am worthy of a better love and I know what happened in my past which empowered the Spathhole.<
I am learning these things too. I'm now believing it will be impossible to receive better love unless I uncover all that has happened to me which allowed the hurt I received later in life. It will not be easy or quick by any definition and that is disheartening.
I like you will press on though.
Thank you for sharing.
Hi One Step,
I hope you are doing better today and got a little chocolate fix yesterday. Just a little, mind you. ;o)
I am sorry for blurting out my stoopid question Friday night. I can be so paranoid.
Silvermoon,
Good Job!!! Hang ON and hang on and when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on some more!~
Silvermoon,
That other stuff I said was too intellectual, so I’m shortening it. You are doing great, and your attitude is perfect. Keep going!
Hugs,
Star
and mi-ss-ing.
OxDrover, being very new to this site, I had no idea of your history and I can only say that I cannot imagine the impact of the spath’s actions on your life. I can only offer you my my most heartfelt support – I can’t even find words.
Whether the sociopathy is genetic or learned, it is unfathomable to me, though (as I keep repeating) the academic aspect has been documented, researched, and continues to be ignored in lieu of “what could we have done, differently?” All of the “what causes it” rhetoric is a diversion from educating – it doesn’t matter what, why, how, or whom. Bottom line is that they are a danger to everyone that does live within the boundaries of conscience.
My son, I believe, was trained into sociopathy by his father. His father insisted that he demonstrate “respect” which was defined as fear – fear from everyone in the family. In the past year, I’ve had memories surface that I’d tried very hard to repress, and I can see the energy that went into modeling an as yet innocent into what he is just as clearly as I can see the monitor in front of my face. Specific incidents are so chilling that I can’t believe that I didn’t run when I had the first indication that something just wasn’t right with my ex – before the damage was done. But, I didn’t, and there it is.
My feeling now (and, for the past few years) has been one of impending doom that something terrible is going to happen to either my yonger son, or the spath son’s “fiancee,” ro someone else. When the shootings at VA Tech happened, I was concerned that it had been my own son who had done the shootings (this was before the identity of the shooter was known), and even had to confirm that it wasn’t. His claims are so grandiose, and he has no genuine source of income other than the life insurance that he and his brother were supposed to receive upon their father’s death, along with resources that he bilks out of the taxpayers using his fabricated status of the decorated combat veteran. When the money has run out, I truly feel that Something Bad is going to happen, and I have no control over this runaway train.
I’ve contacted adult Social Services – that’s a completely different story that would require a whole new website – Law Enforcement Agencies, and even my youngest son’s school (he’s a legal adult, but still in high school). I’ve sent copies of the physical evidence that I still have in my posession in the hopes that SOMEBODY will take this seriously.
Does ANYBODY have any suggestions on this? I do not intend to sound cold or callous about this, but pretending that my eldest son is misunderstood and that everything will work itself out would be so wrong on so many levels. I refuse to enable his deceptions or violence, and it seems that nobody is willing to hear me, or even listen. He is a predator. He is violent. He is dangerous. He is armed (I’ve seen at least one of his handguns). He is a danger to anyone who comes into contact with him, male OR female. UGH…..
Dear Button,
No offense taken, Button, I sometimes fo get that it is difficult for folks to keep up with each other’s stories.
I am so sorry that you too are a member of the “Rosemary’s Baby Club.” There are several other members here on this site and to me that is exactly what it feels like to give birth to something that you want so much and it turns out to be EVIL personafied. You end up looking and feeling like the “crazy one” even though you are the ONLY person in the world who knows the danger. You end up being viewed as “henny penny” runniing around saying “the sky is falling, the sky is falling” and no o ne believes or validates you.
I am finally past the point of needing the validation of others, I did get the sheriff to believe me about the Trojan Horse Psychopath, the former cell mate of my P-son’s that he sent here to invade the family by renting a house from me then becoming “friendly” with the family, and eventually installling himself into my egg donor’s home as her LIVE IN CARE GIVER where he drugged and influenced her, stole money from her and had an affair with my other son’s P-wife, then when discovered, trying to kill that son, went to prison again. His maiin target was ME because my death (due to a family trust) would have assured my son a large inheritence whereas if my egg donor had died first, he would get nothing. Sheesh, when I went to a new therapist he thought I was a paranoid NUT JOB and I had to bring in court documents and witnesses to prove that YES, THEY ARE ALL OUT TO GET ME! LOL I can laugh about it now, but ithas been a long hard almost 6 years of complete chaos with the death sudden of my husband and step father’s 18 month bout with cancer and his death.
I’ve been here at LF for over two years, I actually can’t remember when I came here, but it has been my SALVATION and Donna Andersen is my God-sent ANGEL!
I live on the same farm with my egg donor who is continuing to enable my P-son by sending him money and presumably willing him money or gifting him money at her death. Since I have gone NC with her for doing this (among other reasons) I’m not sure what is going on financially where he is concerned. I am fighting his parole via an attorney I hired for that job and will continue to fight my son’s parole. He kileld a 17 yr old girl in Jan of 1992 and has been in prison ever since, but actually, in prison all but a few months since he was first arrested in 1989.
Since your son is an “adult” even though in high school, they are not going to listen to this “histerical” mother. You would thinnk now with all the school killings an such that they would listen. Heck that Crhistmas Day bomber on the airplane, his father tried to warn people and NO ONE LISTENED.L
Witsend has a 17 yr old psychopathic son, who right now does not live in her home, but she is legally responsible for him though he is totally definant and probably dangerous at least to her.
You are right, the “cause” is not as important as the fact that there is no treatment, but fortunately, medical science and genetics are unwinding some of the genetic propensity to this disorder. At least when that is done the “innocent” parents won’t be blamed as CAUSING this by “mistreating” these little darlings and that is a GOD SEND! I didn’t cause this in my son, and you didn’t either. Even abused victims have CHOICES on how they act, and I firmly believe that even with genetics playing a role, that CHOICE is the main thing. They choose to abuse. They do no right from wrong. They just do not HONOR RIGHT OR GOOD.
Glad you are here though, and it seems that more and more people for the Rosemary club are showing up here, but also many of them had a previous relationship with the OTHER DNA donor that put their kids at risk, both environmentally and genetically. (((Hugs))) and my prayers that you son does not do what you fear!
And the authorities can hide behind the old budget cuts and the laws that tie hands….
We cant’ arrest them for a crime they haven’t commited yet!
Frustrating…..
frustrating, indeed……and, that feeling of impending doom just won’t go away…..