Isn’t it strange how the mind works? I read with approval Dr Leedom’s latest post. In it she manages to be at once hard-nosed, realistic, and still keep positve. There are very real differences in the brains of those with psychopathic traits, she writes, but the brain is plastic and therein lies just a sliver of hope.
For some reason the opening lines of Martin Amis‘ novel House of Meetings came back to me. It is set in the Soviet Union:
Dear Venus
If what they say is true, and my country is dying, then I think I may be able to tell them why. You see, kid, the conscience is a vital organ, and not an extra like the tonsils or the adenoids.
Amis has also written a stunning nonfiction book about Stalinism, Koba the Dread, which has its own staggering opening:
Here is the second sentence in Robert Conquest‘s The Harvest of Sorrow: Collectivization and the Terror-Famine:
We may perhaps put this in perspective in the present case by saying that in the actions here recorded about twenty human lives were lost for, not every word, but every letter of this book.
That sentence represents 3,020 lives. The book is 411 pages long.
And then I remembered that Amis’ cousin Lucy Partington was murdered by the infamous serial killer Fred West! How could I have forgotten? Amis wrote wrenchingly about it in Experience:
My family cannot understand the extraordinary collision that allowed him to touch our lives, and I have no wish to prolong that contact. But he is here now, in my head; I want him excised. And Frederick West is uncontrollable: he is uncontrollable. For now he will get from me a one-sentence verdict…. West was a sordid inadequate who was trained by his childhood to addict himself to the moment when impotence became prepotence.
Amis clearly knows a thing or two about psychopathy. Consider his compact ‘verdict’:
a sordid inadequate
-
- – this suggests ignoble actions and motives arousing moral distaste and contempt combined with a biological lack
trained by his childhood – dysfunctional modelling and upbringing by his family and surroundings
addict himself – this both highlights the central, pleasurable place wickedness played in his life and emphasises the crucial place of will (he didn’t become addicted he addicted himself)
to the moment when impotence became prepotence – here is the defining characteristic of the psychopath: he lives for the moments when his power or influence over others occur. Deep beneath this is a secret fear/knowledge of his utter unimportance/worthlessness.
Amis, through the imaginative power of the artist, has captured remarkably well the heart of the matter.
He is not an easy read, but it now occurs to me that in a way our theme has been one of his central themes. For example, Lovefraud readers have recently written worried letters about the perpetuation of psychopathy among the young via antisocial social environments and psychopathic genes. Time magazine’s recent cover story is about the phenomenon of youth delinquency in Britain. Amis was ahead of the curve when he wrote about it in his novel Yellow Dog.
His forthcoming book is a collection of essays on 9/11 called The Second Plane. (You can read one essay, ‘The Age of Horrorism’ , here.) The collection has received a lot of negative comment: Amis is a racist, etc. Well I’ve read a lot of Amis’ work and and can’t square with that judgement. (What he says is that Islamofascism produces awful racist feelings in him and he doesn’t know what to do with them.) I wonder whether some of the objections to his book are due to what we at Lovefraud encounter all the time: regular folks’ refusal to believe in human evil. These are the fortunate people who have not fully encountered evil – hope their luck holds out.
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Back to Dr. Leedom’s article – she makes it clear that the small candle of hope she holds out is not for the full-blown psychopaths Amis writes about, but for those with psychopathic traits.
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Thank you so much, that makes so much sense, it makes not an iota of difference if nature or nurture because point I totally missing is he is a sociopath whatever the route. My AHA AHA AHA moment! Focussing on the wrong details. knowledge to the cause will never assist my resentment or cure. Its all like “flogging a dead donkey” . Also as you say time is not relevant it is the process and ability to find the courage to delete them from day to day thoughts. Acceptance that it is less painful to evolve than to stay in this hideous place is route that I need to uncover. Thank you again x
Tink3010 {{hugs}} Read, read, read…….and, absorb. Be the sponge and drink up the bounty of knowledge and experiences, here. Look into some of the books that are recommended, including Donna’s publication. Reading and posting on this site will help you to realize that you aren’t alone in your situation. You may notice that some members share almost identical experiences with others – the people are unique, but the sins that spaths perpetrate are virtually identical, even down to the predictability of the games that they play to maintain their targets.
Your survival is all about learning about Tink. What ails the spath isn’t your responsibility – you aren’t responsible for the spath’s well-being. 😉 Take that and RUN with it!
Brightest blessings!
Silvermoon –
RE: your post back in April –
“I am grateful to the community and even though it is a sad reason we come together, once here, there are few that I have ever known for which I have a deeper and more abiding respect”
I would just like to say “ditto”.
I’m moving this from the long, slooow thread.
“pain tells us a great deal about where we are stuck.”
Yep…..this is so true.
I’m finding i’m stuck in fear…..
Stuck in my life long learning of…..there is a plateau somewhere……that i’m climbing towards…..when I arrive, I will be safe, happy and rooted there for my life eterternity.
BOINK?
Life is the journey……NOT the destination.
My whole life i’ve strived for the destination, looking past the journey.
In my current pain, this is what i’m coming out with.
I need to encourage my Jr, regardless if I agree or not. The fact he’s willing to make ‘moves’ is a good thing….and not cling to mommy forever. Would I really like that? NO!
If Jr runs to daddy-0, I can’t control that…..he’s got an inate need to learn/see/feel ‘who’ he is and if he’d changed.
I can’t live in fear……fear of my life, fear of my jr’s life/choices…..he will make poor choices and suffer the consequences…..I must live for me, and just be there for his port in storm shelter…..or encouragement that HE CAN make it in the world.
I want facts. I look at life as to offer me facts……not chances or options…..factual experiences. Uh, hellooooo where did I get this concept?
My experiences the past few years have opened my eyes so much…..on so many levels…..I think…..well, if Iwent into this not stupid and learned this much, I must be almost there right? Again…..reaching for that destination. Wanting no more surprises.
No one can see in the dark……and life is a dark alley……good thigs can happen…>AND bad. Why do I think I can reach an immunity point?
I can identify my worries for JR. Nievity, denial, avoidance…..run.
He’s always run when there are major issues…..or the running has been to set off a fire to distract.
Jr going to the tropics is his ‘fire’…..in the midst of my storm. He can avoid the reality of the move and avoid seeing my pain of this process if he’s not here….even though he is the source of so much of my pain…..he also doesn’t like to see me in pain? Make sense?
So he runs……
He is dropping BACK out of school…..I see this evolution….
He went back….I was proud. Admin, changes the rules….he avoids…..continues ot defy admins decision……tells them he must work and that schedule is just not possible. Defies. Gets’ job, doesn’t like it…..quits..5 days later…..now he’s got to be accountable to school…..avoids….I’ll do online classes…..(tried already this aproach last year/not successsful)….now in order to justify to himself….a way to tell the school he’s dropping out….is he’s got to move (my mom lost her house)! Avoidance/victim….run to justify…back to victim.
Since I have no control….over how he responds to life….I just have to keep my mouth shut, protect myself and my emotions in the process. Smile and say….your so adventurous I love that about you. Nurture WHO he is….not what I want him to be……
In fear and faith we are shepards of this day.
This is what Jr’s sentiments are……
A friend of mine is a horsewoman.
She took a free horse to ride.
The animal was misbehaving, bucking, unwilling to stride out.
She decided not to fight the horse.
She called a chiropractor.
He discovered that the animal had severe back pain.
They go xrays.
The animal has severe problems and had to be retired.
This is my passion and my pursuit. It is my life right now.
I can speak only from my experience but I would ask the question about what is the root cause that nothing is working out?
There are a bunch of Neurological possibilities as well as psychiatric and physical. Something is wrong.
That is clear. I don’t know what. I’m in no position to suggest?
For me it started with a book called Boys of Few Words written by Dr. Adam Cox who is now retired. I also worked with Dr. Scott Shannon author of Please Don’t Label My Child and with Dr. George Bright a Harvard Fellow on ADHD.
Dr. Abigail Norfleet James is a fabulous resource! That woman “gets” boys.
Check out EAGLE Rock School…….
The mecca where we learned the most the best was at Stanford. In the sleep clinic.
The Nite Owl list for people with Circadian Disorders is hugely informative.
WHO my son is after restorative sleep and solid care is vastly different than the raging sleep deprived beast. Three Doctors told us that he was going to likely spend his life in jail for some of the same reasons that have crossed your mind. But, they didn’t look for the root.
I can’t tell you that exactly what worked for me will work for you. I can’t presume to really know anything.
But I can encourage you to look beyond the obvious and keep asking why is this so. I believe there are two reasons for everything. The good reason and the real reason. The good reason is the one everybody believes. Like ” I quit my job because I don’t like it”. The real one is “because i didn’t sleep and I was so tired, I couldn’t handle it and there is no way I can keep that schedule”. (For example)….
I have a close friend who was not diagnosed with severe ADHD until he was in his 40’s. His life changed radically for the better. Until then, he believed that was just the way things were…
Just like the woman who decided not to take a whip to her horse for misbehaving, but to ask; “what is this behavior trying to tell me”.
At 14 my son had to go on the journey. An emancipated adult does not have to. But it is true that if there were a way to make life a lot better than dismal. Many would take the chance.
The answers are out there. What is the question????
Dear EB,
I”m on that “journey” with you, and I’ve been looking for the “destination” my whole life as well, I think.
I think you are kind of in the same emotional undertow that I was caught in last year when son C pulled his stunt. It hurts to realize that those we love aren’t coping well with life (in our opinions) and there’s nothing we can do about it.
Unfortunately not every child/adult misbehaves because they are sleep deprived, and not every horse bucks because he has a painful back—and even if it WERE THE CASE, sometimes there’s nothing we can do about the problem.
WAsn’t it less than a year ago when Junior got his OWN RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST DADDY-O?
Funny (not ha ha funny) that NOW he wants to go live with daddyo so his life will be exciting and wonderful! LOL My P son wanted to go live with my sperm donor. LOL Yea, (head shaking here like they were going to get along! LOL
EB, darling, I know your heart hurts, and with everything else that is going on with your house and all that, you have got to lighten the load and toss some of the ballast over board to keep your own ship from sinking. Because if you sink, if and when Junior gets his sense back, you need to be there for him….if he doesn’t get his sense back, there’s nothing you are going to gain by letting him sink the ship of your life now in any case.
One foot before the other…one step at a time…one minute at a time. ((((Hugs))) and my prayer for you my friend.
Silver:
Thank you for your inspiration!
I wish we could hang in that ‘barn’ and chat!!!
Good for you EB, you are letting go and letting God take over. That is difficult for a woman who always takes control and owns her problems. But maybe it’s time to relax a bit on that front so you can attend to other matters.
You are doing GREAT, I’m very impressed.
Oxy….yep….In June!
He hasn’t come right up OUT and said….Hey….I want’ to connect with pops….
But…..this is my conclusion…..he stated a few months ago….in a ‘debate’ we have that HOW do I KNOW the future….no one does.
This means…..how do I KNOW daddy-0 can’t/won’t change.
He agreed, likely he wont…..
we were talking generically.
I said, history is best predictor of future…..and to me it’s not worth keeping the ‘hope’.
He said….okay, thats fine….but that’s different than saying you KNOW he won’t change.
You can’t predict or no one can predict the future….what are you god?
Okay…..that was an interesting ‘debate’….but since it touched on spath……he was ‘creeping’ up on those thoughts.
At Christmas…..he wanted to go see my family……a few hours away….I simply said….did you realize Gma and Gdad will be there…..his response was…..OH, I wouldn’t mind seeing them again.
No response from me…..He was waiting for a visual…..
On the drive down….I never gave him one sense that i had any issues….(THEY participated in his kidnapping, we haven’t seen them in what 3 plus years…..)and I ‘provided’ him that opportunity….in so as I couldn’t be accused of keeping him away from anyone. I ‘played’ along, avoided any one on one with them……and ‘played’ nice. There were so many people and distractions it was fine.
We get in car to come home that night….first thing jr says is…..did you notice how controlling Gma was? And went into his thoughts and observances….I gave him no feedback…..kept driving.
Now….he decides he wants to go to the tropics wehre pops is…>SAME FRIGGEN TOWN…..small….farming community…..perfect pot farm place…..COINCIDENCE?
It’s not like he said he wanted to go to Tennessee…..or Washington state….yadyada…..coincidence?
He ‘knows’ a girl in XX town tropics…..who’s invited him to come stay in a tent on her parents lawn….bring your $200.00, and you’ll be fine….(I digress).
He is emotionally nearing his father……spath may or may not be there when/if he get’s there……and doesn’t stay anywhere for long…..
But Jr said, he’d be fine with it…..he doesn’t want to hide from him his whole life and if he wants to go somewhere he’ll go……spath dad or no spath dad.
Sounds admirable…..and free.
Then he says if he met him on the beach, he’d speak to him, never have a relationship with him….but he’d be cordial.
Which in my mind opens him up for the ‘tag’ and supply and set up from spath……it opens the door, from NC and we ALL know how that can go.
(my fear).
This tells me, that he’s willing to have a door open…..that he’s wanting to ‘see’ if daddy-0 has changed……because all people can change (jr’s words)……
I see a trainwreck in his future……..danger will rodgers!
More emotional setback…..before he even get’s to deal with past emotions.
UGH!
I will just have to keep moving in a non control way……taking care of myself……I’m personally WAY too buried in my own shit right now…..I’m under water and my straw is getting shorter.
This emotional shit is DRAINING! Can’t wait for the physical shit to start too!
In this technology world we live in…….we are sure lacking one thing.
I really think there is some money to be made with inventing a crystal ball……it sure would make life a bit easier in the planning and decision making phases.
Can someone please get on that!