Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Snapshots
By AlohaTraveler
In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath.
Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to the tortilla chips. It was romantic, it was silly, and I felt so in love. Never before had I done a thing like that! It was just a kiss but it was so ideal, so out of the movies. I recall during our first kiss, he embraced me as if he were Fabio on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel. Who wouldn’t swoon for that?
Here’s another snapshot. This time, I am at Home Depot. Why all the retail?! On the radio, Dan Fogelberg’s Longer Than is playing and I start to weep tears of joy. Suddenly, I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of this song about lovers. I know, it’s c-o-r-n-y! This happened during a time that I have referred to as “the happiest two weeks of my life,” or like I said before, “Relationship Crack.”
Another snapshot I have in my mind is spending an hour choosing just the right birthday card for my budding new romance (and more weeping over drippy love songs being piped in over the sound system). God, I was a sap! I ended up with two cards. I saw this as “the first card I would ever give the love of my life” and it had to be perfect. So what’s more perfect than two?
Yet another. This time I am sitting next to my Captain as he skillfully pilots the craft and gives an enlightening spiel about the marine life over his microphone. The guests were rapt with attention as was I, goo-goo eyes and all. I always had a thing for islands, the water, the whales, which were out in full force that day, and of course, the Captain of the ship. Isn’t it perfect?!
I remember looking at the Bad Man with his tanned skin and his Indiana Jones hat. He looked exactly like Harrison Ford back when Harrison Ford still looked good. It was all too perfect. I was living in Hawaii, I had a hunk of a man for my new boyfriend and of course, he had already told me what a “quality woman” I was, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks! Considering that my move to Hawaii was my idea of an “alternate” life plan since, at 35 years old, my marital dreams had not come true, you can imagine how ecstatic I was to have such a lucky break in love. I had only been on the island 10 days when I met the “man of my dreams.” It appeared to me that my dreams were coming true after all. I looked at him and thought to myself, “We are going to be one of those couples that everyone wants to be like!” and I was on top of the world. I thought I had beat the system by letting go of the quest-for-love and reaching for my dreams on my own… and BINGO! My prayers were answered.
Sadly, the signs of danger were already present but my ideal moments, my perfect “snapshots” were clouding my ability, or perhaps, my willingness, to see them. The Bad Man had already mentioned that he had been called a “cult leader” in the newspapers back in Seattle during his days as a Pastor for Assemblies of God. He had been “sort-of excommunicated” because he was an “out of the box thinker” and he had “thrown off the templates” of the traditional hard line thinking of his former Church. He was a “rebel” and a “hero.” He had a “permanent restraining order” against him and all women’s health clinics in the Seattle area. He was “honest” about the “B.S. restraining order” his ex-wife had against him. He told me mournfully that his ex “stole the children” (escaped under extreme duress, I am sure) and that the court would issue a restraining order to any woman that said she was afraid. “The court wouldn’t even question it” he told me, with indignation in his voice. He called her a “gossip” and talked at length about how couples should be able to work out their problems in private or go “up the food chain” for advice and not down. Now in my defense, this was confusing. That seemed like good advice coming from a former Minister. Perhaps his ex was a gossip. I mean I was keeping all our problems private, just like he told me to. Why couldn’t she? I know as I write this that it all sounds ridiculous but alas, the kiss… the kiss! Now, I say, “Alas… the red flags, the RED FLAGS!!!”
Never before had I been so taken in by someone, so consumed by a man. I thought this was the big love that I had been waiting for. I thought it was finally my time. These were the things I was telling myself in those brief moments of heightened romance. As I write this, I realize that my snapshots were just my thoughts. In fact, in some of the snapshots I describe, the Bad Man isn’t even present… just me and my thoughts of LOVE. I was in denial of what was really happening and I let a few highly romantic moments, snapshots, overpower the truth. My own thoughts about what this relationship was going to mean for my formerly-empty-before-him-life were seductive enough for me to all but ignore the truth before me.
In my mind, I have burned up these snapshots. I recognize them for what they are now. They are my own fantasies, and my own dreams that I pinned on someone else. Why are all my dreams riding on someone else? Now when I am asked, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I feel sad and empty. For some reason, I keep getting asked this question lately. I can’t think of anything. I have plans that are solid and based on reality. I am working toward some goals. I have named the steps to achieve my goals and I am ticking them off as I go. But there are no dreams.
When someone loves you, they don’t set out to destroy you. They consider your wellbeing and they consider how their actions affect others. This is what is normal. They don’t terrorize you until you feel like you are worthless. I knew this but I sort of forgot. I forgot because he said the magic words”¦“I am seriously considering you as a potential life partner.” I became a slave to those words and would do anything, endure anything, ignore anything, because of them. It’s like I was on Survivor. I formed an alliance with him! I bought in to his strategy to destroy me and I joined in the plan. Hey, in the end, I even voted myself off the island! I guess you could say, I escaped the Bad Man by leaving while he was at work, kind of like the way he described the day his ex left him with her 5 children in tow. God Bless her.
If it seems that I make light of my encounter with a sociopath, I do not. My story is lit up with red flags, more than I would like to admit. My lessons from the Bad Man cost me some money, some time, many tears, a few friendships, and maybe one thing that needed to go, like a baby tooth needs to go to make room for the emerging adult one. Perhaps my fantasies of love, and being in love, and what that would mean for my life, were a bit girlish. Now, I have a plan for my life beyond loving and devoting my life to someone else. Where was I in all that, anyway?
I have a real snapshot of myself from my time on Maui. It was taken by the Bad Man. When I saved it on my computer, I gave it the file name, “pretending to be happy.” It looks like I am having the time of my life but the truth is, I was sleepless, anxious, afraid, and miserable. I was being emotionally battered, manipulated, terrorized and stalked. I had been called a long list of names your Mother wouldn’t want to hear you say. I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.
Author’s note: The concept for “Snapshots” was introduced to me by my friend, Susan Bradley, RN. Susan is a Relationship Coach, and author of “Irresistible Prescriptions for Love.” For more information, visit her website www.lovinguniversity.com.
Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud
Alohatraveler:
I can totally relate to your ‘Snapshots’ article, and it is beautifully written. The one thing I hope for you is that your fantasies of love, and being in love, are found again for you.
Aloha.
Wow… I relate to the snapshot vision as well….. that seems to be the hook that keeps me thinking about her and wondering “Why?”….All the wonderful moments.. her gentle words… her caring actions… when those thoughts drift by my head, I want to grab them and hold them… but then there is the dark, sad, reality of what it really was and what it eventually became… I then throw those thoughts out in disgust and remind myself of what it really was all about… I also relate to your words “I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.”………….that was me too…. what worked in the beginning sure didn’t near the end…. it was crazy.. it was frustrating.. it was confusing.. and then she mocked me… telling me that I was “too emotional”… or she’d say “am I frustrating you?” with a knowing smile on her face……. when I tell people of the things she said or did.. they can’t believe that I put up with it.. and now… I can’t either… it was insane….. it was those “snapshots” that kept me there and they kept me in that bad place long after she departed….. We all have those snapshots, and they can be chains of bondage, or if we choose, they can be a reminder of what was never real even though it felt so real for us…. that was then.. this is now… and now is real. Good writing Aloha……….
~R~
Aloha-Beautiful and so True!! It tells the tale that almost all of us had. How you hold onto the one line or phrase that makes you stay. Repeating it over and over in your mind. Your thought process does become clouded to see the Red Flags. We never are truly happy, its a lie, just like them. Because deep down you are full of anxiety, fear and going crazy trying to keep up with their ever changing rules. You become an emotional mess, its is then “over” and we are left ALONE to mop up the tears and broken pieces of ourselves. Astonishing how their manipulating ways grab hold and you are hooked in by the devil. Then he walks away grinning on this way to the next.
Today I was thinking about some of his comments – ‘I dont want to lose you’ ‘I knew you were the one as soon as I saw you’ ‘I want to grow old with you’ ‘you tick more boxes than I could ever imagine’ etc etc. How he could have been so two faced still confounds me. I still wake up some mornings thinking – I dont know how he did all that to me. But he would never be open about what he was doing, just dropping hints now and again to keep me thinking and wondering about him.
When I think of how little he put into the relationship, he was playing the relationship by a set of rules I was completely unaware of at the time. How he thought out and measured out his actions to diminish me, I am left wondering why – its been 6 months of him doing his disappearing act – am I still thinking about him? I know in my rational mind, that a relationship with him now would be a waste of space and I would not take him back ever – but I have lived with guys for 6 years or more that have not knocked the stuffing out of me like this man who I only knew for a year. I am desperate to move on, but I just cant seem to shake him out of my head. I had no closure, he conveniently did a runner when I closed in on him for questions and answers and then gave a message via a friend, saying he had found someone else. Any answers please?
Beverly,
The closure is: He is a Sociopath and that is what Sociopaths do.
*(credits to ML for that thought… I have clearly attached to it! It’s powerful and it’s freeing, isn’t it?)
I know it’s sad but that is the full answer. There is nothing more you need to know about him.
I believe the healing begins when we stop looking at them asking “Why?” and start looking at ourselves… and asking “Why?”
My fairytale love fantasies are gone now. I traded them in for what is real and what I can create in my life for myself. I know that many readers had full lives before they met their Sociopath. For me, I was not full for sure. I was pretending that I was but honestly, I wasn’t. That is my story though. Yours may be different… but the story of your Bad Man is the same as mine. He did what he did because that is what they do… Let this remind us that it had little to do with who we are. They did not treat us bad, or toss us out, because of who we are or because we deserved it in any way.
Be gentle with yourself but still learn what you need to learn.
Now, we have lives to create for ourselves. Full lives!
Think of the lion and the gazelle. We don’t ask why Lions sneak up on gazelles punce on them and gobble them up.
I am baking a cake today. I haven’t done that in years.
My fairytale love fantasies are gone as well. My relationship and marriage with my ex s was the only fairytale love story I’ve every known although I certainly know that I was loved before and am actually loved right now. Looking back, it was TOO perfect. He paid me way too much attention, flattered me beyond words and petted me like a baby and all the while was leading a double life having sex with the lowest of the lowest. I loved the way he pampered me but hated his being irresponsible. I didn’t say anything about his not fulfilling his end of the deal financially for a very long time and finally, I had to. It was either say something, or crack under the pressure. It wasn’t long after that until he sought out the younger woman with a good job and credit. I’ve warned her repeatedly and she says that she has told him that she will NOT financially support a man although she has already gone above and beyond what I would have done. She’s caught up in his charm. Speaking of snapshots–I don’t dwell too much on those. They seem to just be the classic things that s’s do to entrap us. Lies, all pretty lie! He had my pic, his wife of nearly 7 years, on his myspace page with the caption “baby girl”. Days after he left, he replaced my pic with hers but left the caption the same. He called me his snuggle bunny, now he calls her that. It’s a shame that all of their victims can’t get together and compare notes–that’s when I think a s behavior might get limited and their victims fewer and far between. However, s’s make sure that they stay one step ahead of us convincing the current victim that all the previous ones are crazy! Yeah, we know who it is that’s really crazy, don’t we?
Reading these posts have, for some reason, brought tears to my eyes. I am sad sometimes for how seemingly complicit I was in how the sociopath treated me. I didn’t know how to defend myself against him, and my lack of a strong sense of self prevented me from telling him to take a hike sooner….
Basically, I didn’t love myself very WELL…and, I am growing and growing, my love for ME is growing…and this is bringing me healing.
But, in regards to finding resolution, I have to say…accepting that a snake is a snake, and a sociopath is a sociopath, and that is JUST THE WAY it is…and accepting ME and MY BRILLAINCE…HAS meant tremendous growth for me, and to avoid allowing sociopaths like him in my life again…I MUST accept my own brilliance. Also, I have chosen to try to avoid fixation on the pain, the sociopath’s actions, and how horrible HE IS…I don’t want to give him more of my energy, after all, energy IS life.
I found the following film to be helpful, for some reason…accepting the sociopath as a predator, and ME as simply as prey…has made it LESS PERSONAL…check the film out…if you care too…it was very very powerful for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM
All the best to you all…thank you Alohatraveler for your story, and the rest of you all for sharing your stories, and your hearts…
Grace
Bev- My encounter (far from relationship) lasted a little over a year as well. Its only been a month for me, but I am trying REAL HARD to take care of myself, take myself back from him. I mull over the lines he use to say as well. “I must really love you, cause I don’t stick around for someone who makes me so mad”- nice one- double sided. Or- “I think about having your daughter as a step daughter and it makes me so proud to think people will praise her and I can say, oh yes that is my step daughter.” “I think we should have a child and then adopt another.” and it goes on..
As far as closure…NONE! I did leave him for 2 months and came back, he professed; thanking god that I have returned. He sweet talked me and I was so attracted to him. Then he asked for a couple hundred dollars. He said he needed it that minute but would re-pay me in two days AND make dinner for me. Well, the two days came and went, the dinner never happened and when I pressed him for the money he disappeared. Never returning a txt or call. Then shortly after, his brother called me and told me that my S was just a player who would stick his D**K into anything. But reassured me that that statement didn’t include me-(yeah great). I’ve stopped trying almost a month ago. It was keeping me in the sick trap and I was becoming psycho. I realized he doesnt even deserve my psycho side let alone my good nature. He can keep the money- in return I’ll keep myself.
Tami- Everyone to him was “Babe”-even his sister. He couldn’t get confused or mess up I guess. OR to him a name really didnt matter, the person doesn’t so why would a name.
change06: Your words haunt me. It was actually my sister-in-law (married to my s brother) who once told me that I didn’t know my husband at all. She hailed from the same community that he grew up in–I did not. She told me that my husband had always been a “player” after he caused a family uproar by calling her up and hitting on her during the time we were married–HIS BROTHER’S WIFE! He said horrible things to her that scared her!
And, when my s was leaving me after 7 years of marriage–a man who had never raised his voice to me–spat at me between clenched teeth that he just wanted to stick his d**k in everything! I was shocked and horrified. I could NOT believe the monster that he turned into. I don’t think anyone believes me when I tell them because he always plays the Mr. Nice Guy role. My parents and my son saw it, too, thank goodness, or no one would believe me. It’s hard to believe that a man could play a role so well for actually nearly 8 years including our dating time and then turn into a monster on a dime.
Another thing that really bothers me is that his family knows damn well how he is. I started to hear rumors when he and I were married and questioned them about it. They convinced me that they had never seen him SO happy and content in his life and that I was his dream girl and the love of his life. Now, they’re telling the new gal the same thing! She’s fool enough to believe it. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I honestly think my ex s’s mother is a sociopath, too. I KNOW she is a pathological liar–tells big ellaborate stories simply for the heck of it. I don’t understand.
yep that is right the only way its going to stop if everyone knows everything new and old victims alike. but with social situations and for our own sanity how the hell are we going to do that. i dont even know half of his victims and they would probably turn on me anyway. stick their d…k in anything the only thing mine ever gave me was his d….k and one day when im really over this i am going to tell him that.