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Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud

As a victim of love fraud, I have two reactions to Valentine’s Day. First, I hate the thought of all those sociopaths out there male and female, who are using this day to lock in their next victims. Early in relationships, sociopaths present themselves as great partners. They certainly don’t pass up the chance to pour on the charm on a day like Valentine’s Day. Furthermore, since they can be very focused on sex, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for them to score. My vision of Valentine sociopaths includes those who are simultaneously wooing more than one victim. Perhaps we should consider whether Valentine’s Day should also be named “Love Fraud Awareness Day.”

My second reaction to Valentine’s Day is that I am reminded of all those who have loved sociopaths only to be harmed in every sphere of their lives. Cupid’s Arrow can be deadly if the result is involvement with a sociopath.

These two reactions bring me to an announcement. That is that Sandra L. Brown, M.A. and I have completed our book Women Who Love Psychopaths. I apologize for the fact that we do not yet have a book for men who have been involved with psychopathic women, but we had to start somewhere.

The book summarizes the results of a survey we conducted on nearly 100 women who have been involved with sociopaths/psychopaths/pathological narcissists. As part of this survey, women completed check lists of symptoms of sociopathy/psychopathy on their partners and we compared the results of these checklists to their narrative stories.

The most important message I have for you is that if you think your man is a sociopath you are very likely to be correct. You do not have to wait for a formal diagnosis before deciding to get out of the relationship and avoid further harm. There was very good agreement between check off list symptoms and the actual behaviors reported by the women in their narrative stories.

Also in honor of Valentine’s Day I will say that if you are an outgoing extraverted woman who greatly values her relationships, you are a target for sociopathic men. That is not to say others are not targeted, but ALL of the women who answered our survey fit this profile. We know that because we had them complete a temperament inventory. Common temperaments are also why we find such camaraderie here on this web site. In addition to being fellow victims, we are likely temperamentally similar.

On a personal level, Valentine’s Day is as bitter sweet as my favorite chocolate. I am in my mid forties, have three children, and have yet to experience a real partnership with a man. The reality is sinking in that perhaps this is not to be for me. My first priority has to be my role as mother and provider. The last time I tried to take a short cut to find a partner, I ended up with a sociopath. I simply do not have the time right now to fully devote toward finding and vetting a worthy partner. The importance of the vetting cannot be overstated!

Where does this leave me and perhaps you? Well, thankfully, a Valentine is not the be all and end all for a fulfilled life. The important need we all have is for connectedness and relatedness. Love relationships are but one venue to meet this need. Although I would like to end this post by saying that we will all one day find our Valentines, to do so would not be of service. It is better for me to say that we all have the potential for fulfillment and well-being with or without a Valentine. Today, I have well-being and fulfillment even though I do not have a Valentine.

To find out more about Women Who Love Psychopaths visit www.saferelationships.com.


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67 Comments on "Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud"

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actually my xS and I first exchanged numbers on Valentine’s Day. I think it was like you said, an opportunity for him to score. and then he saw at as an opportunity to adhere himself to me.

this is the second valentine’s day since he left. i don’t mind being alone this year at all. i’d rather be alone than be with a bad man.

Do any of you ever wonder if the P in your life will be “good” to someone else? Mine lied about his HIV status…and I’ve often wondered if it was just me that he would lie to, or has he beein lying to his next victim? you’d think he’d be smart enough to cover his ass, and start telling the truth…after all, word does spread quickly when it comes to STDs….
Or does he really not learn from his mistakes, or better yet, does he just not care? care to infect, or care to be found out, or even possibly go to jail for knowlingly exposing people.

My N/P ex and I were officially engaged on valentine’s day(tomorrow is my birthday) and 18 years later on Valentine’s is when he told me he was leaving. I gave him a card last year that said simply that I have nothing to give you but my heart. After he read it he looked at the back and asked me where I got it from. I told him and asked why. “No reason, just wondering.” He said it in a weird way. Later that night is when he pulled the rug out from under me. When I found out about the gf I remembered that question. I still wonder if he actually went out and bought the gf the same card.

I’m trying to look at tomorrow as a rebirth, but I will be very happy when today and tomorrow are over.

I met mine a week after VDay, so I’ll be glad when this month ends.

Roses arrived from him at my desk yesterday afternoon. I took them to my local battered women’s shelter and asked them to give them to someone who just left a horrible man and needs to know that that someone is proud of her for making her stand and escaping. They said there were too many to choose from and they’d give all two dozen out individually. I think I just found myself an annual tradition.

notquitebroken,tryingtorecover,dodgebullet

notquitebroken- That is a perfect and beautiful thing you did with the flowers. Go girl!

tryingtorecover-That sucks! You will pull through this day and the next. Better to be alone and sad (it will pass) then to be with a S – alone and miserable.
Happy V & B Day!!

This is a difficult time for me! Valentines DAy last year was the ONLY holiday he didn’t ruin for me. He brought me flowers, the one time ONLY he gave me anything. The rest of the years holidays from X-mas Eve last year to New Years this year he made me miserable. Absolutley, horrible including my 40th birthday that he just blew off! Then came back around like I didn’t even have a birthday. He said that he is not big on birthdays no matter whose it is. i know I have to remember all the other holidays and days that were F***D up by him and not feel down remembering the one day he was semi-descent.

Dodge bullet- I wonder all the time if he is going to be good to someone else. Thats when I start thinking that he had me on a roller coaster just because I wasn’t “the one”. I think that “the one” will come along and he will change his behavior to treat her like gold. But if your S’s patterns align with all the others here (mine does) then there is the most definite chance that that will NOT happen. Maybe in the beginning, remember they have to charm you and reel you in first. But after time she will be rowing the same boat through the ocean of shit they had us in!

My fellow Valentines and former victims of S’s:

No!!!!! He will NOT BE better to anyone else than he was to you. That’s part of their hook, remember? They get us where they want us and then convince US that we’re the screwed-up, damaged ones…that on accounta’ us they act the way they do.

Yet, even if they don’t talk much about the details, we know they have trails of littered “love” affair corpses rotting behind them. Trails. Other women who did not deserve nor warrant their emotional, mental and often physical abuse. Other women who probably stuck around lots longer than they should have because they wondered ‘Will he be better to someone else?”

NOTHING you did or did not do caused this man to treat you like garbage. Unless you have some sort of newfangled mind-control device, this person chose to treat you like dirt because that is what he knows. That’s the only way he knows how to treat anyone else, and he will keep on finding fresh victims to feed his machine.

We have a chance to really be happy, because we entered that relationship, like all the others, in a state of honest affection, hope and trust. We just need to get past the understandable, but foolhardy notion, that somehow we controlled the actions of fully grown adult men.

It is not your fault. You’ve just been victimized so much that you’re in danger of doing it to yourself, too.

Happy Valentines. Remember, we’re loving, outgoing women who value our relationships — and we attract the opposite type, apparently.

LilOrpahan, “They have trails of littered “love” affair corpses rotting behind them.” LOVE IT AND SO TRUE.

I Still sometimes think maybe he would be better to someone else. Then I stop, read and post and then realize he is a SOCIOPATH and he will NOT be any different or better to her or them or whoever. NEVER! He doesnt know how and if he does, he doesnt care to only when it benefits him. Then when he is done or conquered what he wanted HE IS BACK, back to being the same liar, cheater, manipulator, conning, son of a B!!!!!!

Wow.. this is interesting… the whole Valentines Day thing. I was just contacted by a women who saw a warning ad I placed on Craiglist. She wanted to know if the BadMan was the same as the man she was being pursued by. Yes, it is the same man. She said she moved to Hawaii from San Diego in part because of her communications with him. Now he is stalking her and she wants to know what to do. He is insisting to take her on a big Valentine’s Day date. She has refused based on his erratic behavior and the information I provided.

Saved that one! That is my Valentine to myself!

Aloha… E.R.

to all: valentines day has sucked big time. i havent been feeling great as you may have read depressed down but trying to be strong. we met not long after valentines at easter actually but started talking around v day. well after last week i gave in and called very lonley, and he told me he was taking a friend to lunch and we, he and i would catch up later. i wish i had not called so stupid of me. anyway the night club he goes to a few weeks ago on its web site he was photographed with some girl and what do you know last weekend another photo another girl an older lady i should say she looked like his mum his quiet young looking for his age. i find it funny now like its a different one every week. this one was no doubt the one he was takin to lunch. she looks nice and he was all angelic in the photo holding her. yuk i feel sick but its making me laugh he is so desperate right now to be with his next victim. i want to tell them all stay away. i also wonder if he wil get it right with some nice person but i dont think so. n he is ssooo perfect to start and thats why i feel so bad i know the treat ment she will be getting right now. i wonder if i will feel so passionate about anyone a gain that feeling he gave me i dont think another man can make me feel it. its toomuch passion for a normal guy to put out there. why is he so into older ladies me included at least i look young the lady in the photo didnt. i want to add him to every warning list for other woman. i am noticing a lot of those lists arent for australians which makes it hard to put his name on them. he must be really after this one for him to spend money on her like that right off. why does god keep giving these men victims its too easy for them. why cant we see them fall and stumble. it just seems so un fair in the big picturewhere is the justice. my parents dont understand try talking to my mum she doesnt really know what to say. i hate not knowing what hes up to i feel for this new lady oh my goodness what is he going to try and do. bet hes already lied to her probably on the first night they met just to impress her. he has got nothing to offer an older lady h dosnt even have a car, what do hey all see in him. i hate to think that he will have things work out for him and im stuck here not able to meet anyone or move on it really is the worst feeling and valentines so in yur face it was all around me where i work i could hardly get thru the day. love to you all. would like it if you could drop me a line it helps me get by.

Hey Jules

I’m new to this site, but it has helped me tremendously,
look through this site, learn from it, and keep in mind that it does all balance out in the long run.

Unfortunately some of the best lessons we learn in life are the toughest, ironically that pain is what will keep us out of trouble in the future.

in the mean time Believe me and it’s not just a an old saying, “everything does come around”.

In the mean time, live your life, don’t hate, surround yourself with those that have proven they truly care, be thankful you have them. Don’t give him the satisfaction, let that be your incentive to move on.

enjoy what you have,

AND BE STRONG

I forgot to tell you what the card said that came with the roses. You’ll just love this.

“I wish you weren’t hurt. You’ve walked away from something special.”

Notice how all the responsibility is on me. He wishes I wasn’t hurt, but does he say how sorry he is? No. The onus is on me for being hurt and for walking away. And you know what? I’m glad to take the responsibility.

Jules, We’re all here and we can all listen, and we get it on the level that your mom can’t. We’ve been there, and we understand how compulsively you want to contact him. I promise that’s going to get easier with time but may never go away entirely. I still want to be sure he’s pulling the same crap elsewhere. I need the reassurance that he hasn’t managed to pull off the perfect life with someone else, the life that was supposed to have been mine, the happiness he promised me.

Do you remember the movie When Harry Met Sally? There’s a scene in there when Meg Ryan is talking about the old boyfriend who has been gone for quite a while, but she hears he’s getting married to someone else and she’s blown away, crying and saying, “WHY NOT ME?” That’s exactly the way I’ve felt when he moved on and looked happy with someone else. Why not me? Why couldn’t I have been the perfect one for him like he told me I was? Well, no one is ever going to be. His expectations are extremely unrealistic and he puts them off on one woman after another. He’s the one who is broken. Not me. NOT ME! I don’t care why anymore. I’m just glad it’s not me. The pressure was too much.

Jules- STOP contact!!! Take the focus off of him, what he is doing, who he is with, and his victims. Stop focusing on your depression about it. TRY to put positive focus on yourself and healing.
You said you don’t think you will feel the same with another man…the passion or whatever. You will, except it will be truth and not just a lie. They are walking/talking liars!! We begin to believe the lies they tell us and then we believe the feelings which are lies.
It is ironic about the age difference. I am older then the S too (look younger). His last victim before me was older. He has nothing to offer either and women fall to his feet. GROSS!
Vunerability, that is what they look for. I think that the older ones may be getting harder for him and he is now going for young ones…naivety. WHATEVER, who cares, we shouldnt. Only about ourselves now. SAVE OURSELVES from this madness. The game started with us and it has to stop with us. Make the move to stop for the goodness of you. You deserve it, he does not deserve any more of your time or energy. It is very difficult, I have thoughts of my S all day. But I force myself to carry on and change my thoughts to something else.
Stopping the contact is the first step. Take it!

My psycho walked out on me at the end of December last year after declaring his love, wanting to marry me and claiming I was the love of his life. By Valentimes Day, 6 weeks later, he was already in another relationship, wooing this woman with flowers, candy, dinner and a gift. He dumped her 6 weeks later.

Can’t wait to read the book.

Jules: Everyone here can relate! I’m still checking my cell phone and e-mail waiting for the perfect explanation and some closure. As much as I’m suffering every day, he appears to have just walked casually away–not a care in the world. These people are so frustrating and evil. A couple of weeks ago, he sent a ranting and desperate e-mail about how much he loves me and he will never be able to convince me, etc. I replied with a very thoughtful and kind e-mail clarifying my position. He never responded! I called after I didn’t hear from him–he made all kinds of excuses about why he didn’t have time to check the e-mail (for a week!) he sounded completely fine–like nothing had happened. These men are all operating on the same frequency–they can be great actors, getting us hooked on what we think they are going to give us. They only thing they are capable of delivering are lies. They won’t be any better to anyone else. I caught myself almost writing him today–I thought at the very least I could give him one last piece of my mind. Thank goodness I stopped myself. It serves no purpose except to give them more self-gratification. He never deserved me. I will grow and become stronger after what he put me through–he will always be a loser. His life will always be empty. We owe it to ourselves to move on. If your thoughts are always filled with him, you may be overlooking something right now that could bring you more happiness. Take care of yourself.

Jules,

I believe the compulsion to call your Bad Man will go away entirely as you continue to read here at LoveFraud and continue to get in touch with who your man was. If you are here then most likely he is a Sociopath through and through. I left mine on July 3, 2005. I saw him again for 15 minutes on November 29th, 2005. After I moved to CA, I moved back to the islands to Oahu… a TOTAL mistake but I wasn’t thinking all that clearly then, now was I? When I decided to turn around and go back, I happened to know he was on Oahu and my car seemed to drive straight to him as I was headed to the airport to leave Oahu for good. We had only had a few contacts via email and a phone call or two since I left Maui. Interestingly, he only took calls from me once he heard I was back in the islands.

Anyway, I was still confused then. You are still confused now. And yes, people who did not experience this will not understand this pull he has on you. As you read and read and read and let it sink in, at some point that cord will snap and he will be gone. Do everything you can to pull away away away!

He isn’t ANY OF THE THINGS YOU ARE LONGING FOR. He is fake fake fake!

Good bye BAD MAN! Good Bye!!!!!!

Come toward the light my dear… he is DARKNESS. I know I am being dramatic but I am smiling… I know how hard this is but you will break away from this. Life begins again once you do.

Today is my birthday and I’ve written on here how I was engaged on Valentine’s and that’s when he told me last year.

Well, today I got an e-mail from my lawyer saying that his lawyer sent in the Proposed Final Judgment and guess what? It was dated Feb. 14.

I knew he had something planned because his lawyer told mine he had dropped out of sight and they didn’t know what was going on. His lawyer has had the papers he needed to initial since Jan. 2.

Even though I knew he was going to do it, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I guess I even hoped I was wrong and he had some shred of decency in him, but he doesn’t.

Jules,
RUN don’t walk. Don’t waste your life on the Bad Man. It will be 20 years ago in Sept. that I met my Very Bad Man. I don’t regret meeting him because I wouldn’t trade my son for anything, but I’d give anything else to get those years back.
Listen to alohatraveler. RUN INTO THE LIGHT!

Oh Jules – when I read what you said, I am in that same place as you. Knowing that my exN has another woman in tow and that he is probably showing his best side to her and that they are making plans together. I do however, think that I maybe conning myself and that by now he will be playing a few of his tricks in order to lay down how HE wants to relationship to run. On the other hand, he being much younger is able to replace his victims fairly quickly. I would love to know about his past and what he has really been up to, because as we know they only tell us what they want us to know, part of their mystique. I saw him do so many strange things that I didnt question.

I understand your comments Jules, I am here also not able to meet anyone easily, being so much older, and I have never found it easy to click with or meet men anyway. I made sure I was away during Valentines Day. But it is hard Jules – and I really understand what you say. It may not be much consolation to say, that you are not alone Jules.

So ladies and gentlement, I got my Valentine’s bouquet from my very much EX. The card read Yours…..

What has he achieved?

1)Anyone who sees them gets a tug at their heartstrings and percieves him as the wistful , rejected mate.

2)If I am weak in any way, after maintaining NO CONTACT for over a month, I might just give him the satisfaction.

3)He can say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING while leaving me to my imaginings.

4)He can make me out to be the hard nosed bi…ch who is “breaking up the family”

5)He can tell the kids and then seem to be the in -the-dog- house dad. (which he did)

6)It only cost him $50 bucks.

But you know what? These flowers grace my table and they are alive and beautiful, vibrant and full of color and life. I can appreciate them, he can never enjoy the true beauty of anything. Who is richer in their life? What a barren existence, a life sentence it must be to simply get out of bed every morning and have to “play the game” To have to do the mental tabulation of your lies and your liabilities, your assets and your secrets. to choose the face you will wear today, the moment and opportunity you will jump at your prey. Only to never satisfy your hunger, to never be sated. It must be hell.

And who would choose to go there for the sake of a mirage???

Jules: yes Valentines Day was tough – all I could think of all day was who he already was wooing and taking out for a wonderful dinner, some music, wine and flirty but mysterious conversation – as I know how the whole show will play out. She will think she has found the treasure and he will know he has her hooked. Once they have sex, she will be so in awe of his ways and then the games will begin. Then my mind wanders to if he will make it work for them, because he learned so much from me. But I have to remember – as every post on this site confirms…. that is not how it goes. We here all know exactly the pattern and I dont wish to be part of it.
I came home and had soup for dinner, watched some tv and went to bed at 8:30pm. Happy Valentines Day to me. But you know, I realized not only was it more peaceful than many days with him, there are alot of disappointed lonely women on Valentines Day – and they HAVE a partner. I might have been a little lonely but I wasnt sick inside from another trick of his. I try to find the little things that I can be thankful for and just having a peaceful evening is a blessing.

Keep on moving forward Jules – we all have down days and days we want to run back. Try to distract your thoughts and wait for a new day to come and you can feel strong again. If you must dial the phone, make yourself call a friend first.

tryingtorecover,

Happy Birthday!! I made a cake today. It must have been for you.

Aloha and many more happy ones.

thanks everyone. not quiet broken yur words touch and resonate me i feel the exact way you wrote. and i have some relief to k now you go thru that too.i do wonder if hes going tomake it work this time with that other person. but my mum said something today she said he goes after them like a bull at a gate,but it never works out for him . and i thought your right mum maybe she does understand a little bit. anyway i had this thought, his under achieving will stop him from getting th sort of person he wants to be with anyway lets face it most older woman want a bit of security, its easy to see he doesnt have that . god bless . you all and thanks.

Jules, I just wanted to chime in too… The first time I heard the xs was engaged (

Sorry, it cut me off?!?!? I’ll try again! 🙂

Jules, I just wanted to chime in too… The first time I heard the xs was engaged (

Thanks alohatraveler! I had only one candle on my cake. It was my first b-day of my new life.

When I found out that my ex did exactly what I thought he was going to do with the divorce papers, I felt extremely upset and still even hurt by it. (Not just his timing it that way. I still feel like the divorce isn’t real and when I saw the papers it hit me hard – only one more time to go – when I receive the the final papers signed by the judge) But this time instead of telling myself I shouldn’t let it bother me or I should be strong and then have it eat away at me, I did what ML said she did. I let myself feel it. I acknowledged I had a legitimate reason to feel this way. I cried and I let it go. I had a good time with my family. I’m a little raw today. I go from a positive outlook to wanting to cry to having some anxiety about everything I need to do. I’m going to work hard at not thinking about him and what he’s going to do next. Or if the gf will ever find out he’s a liar and take her money away from him. Or… Or…. I’m going to concentrate on getting back the parts of me he sucked dry and discovering who I am today. I’m going to build a new life for my son and me. I know it’s going to take some time to retrain my thoughts because even now he’s creeping in and I start trying to understand why and what happened, but I think the answer’s simple. He’s a narcissistic sociopath and I’m a co-dependent adult child of a alcoholic.

sweet recipe for Valentine’s day coctail: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebu0OBa1pus

Jules and Findingmyselfagain,

He’s not going to make it work with another. They never do, they never will. If it lasts longer it just means the woman has a higher tolerance for the intolerable. Or perhaps less self esteem or non existent boundaries… or more money to lose or whatever. But it’s not going to work.

Tryingtorecover,

One candle? Your first birthday? I LOVE IT!!!

He signed the divorce papers on your birthday? Ahhh, yes… the mental cruelty that only a Sociopath would think of. I can think of one that I will not say here but it just about knocked me over. It was something very very mean and then he did a little extra thing to make something incredibly cruel just that much more. I had never seen anything like it. But remember, it’s not about you. It’s about them. Don’t take it in.

Of course there is value in crying and saying, “OUCH!!! THAT HURT ME SO BAD!!!” but I think the next step is to get to noticing that they are just doing their Sociopath thing. It’s not about you. We have to fortify ourselves and through this bad thing, we will get more grounded and know ourselves so that when some crazy says “you’re this” and “you’re that” we will be able to check in with ourselves and see the truth. Sticks and stones…

I cry for what I lost… trusting easily and being innocent to certain things… but I don’t cry for what he said anymore or what he called me. He called me EVERYTHING. I used to be someone that would let in every bit of crap that anyone would say to me. Now, I am learning that I don’t have to do that. It’s wonderful! I am all for being honest with myself and seeing my flaws but a former boyfriend, one I will call The Good Man, used to say, “Consider the source.”

Aloha…. E.R.

hi guys, i am new here, but am your sister in suffering, and have been lurking for a while. i tried to post this on Valentine’s Day, but it took a while longer for me to get my password. I was here on Valentine’s Day though, and wrote this post. Maybe it will be good to remember for next year.

i celebrated tonight with dinner for one, with canned green beans and a small steak on the grill. i gave half to my dog. my little boy is with his dad for dinner. i met my S about a year after i found my son’s dad was cheating on me, my son was about six-months-old.

i was prime picking for the S. my sociopath is very wealthy. he uses the “promise” of a good life to manipulate me, a single, struggling mom.

for some reason, today i feel like i am missing out on some grand day of wine, romance and togetherness. so much for valentines day hype and a mind twisted by a sociopath’s manipulations.

but you know what? in REAL life – on our last valentine’s day, he wrecked it as usual. he promised a romantic night with dinner in one of the hotels he owns, but i remember sitting in the car crying after some awful thing he said, as he sat inside a Burger King in front of me and chowed down a Whopper.

so today, my sisters, the canned green beans are simply delicious!

this morning, anticipating the pull back to him, i sent myself an email. in the subject i put “HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY” and wrote a little note to ME, someone who i am developing a new relationship with. i think i will like ME very much and am looking forward to a bright future together! i am so lucky to have found ME! Here is what I wrote, and just seeing the message to ME in the subject line today has cheered me up.

Subject: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

hi ME –

happy valentine’s day to you. congratulations on standing up for yourself. congratulations on all you did for the sociopath – to give him the benefit of your empathy, your love, and your work to understand him. it is too bad he is unworthy of you and all you have to offer.

be glad today – on this day we celebrate love – the ability to give and receive it, to cherish it and value it, to understand and marvel in it – that you have experienced love.

you have had it take your breath away, and you have also had it support you, take care of you, and have used it to care for others. celebrate love today, because you truly know it.

congratulations to you. your love has helped your son grow into a tremedous person, capable of giving and receiving love. he has a conscience, a gut, which you have given him.

his goodness is a living testament to all that is wrong with your sociopath. you have brought out in your son all the qualities the sociopath lacks. the light of his goodness just makes the sociopath’s badness so much darker.

whose fault was this? who really is the one who is incapable of love? who will never be able to do this with anyone? look at your son and you will know the answer.

just by your son’s existence and his goodness, we all see that you have the ability to share your love with him, and show him that love and goodness inside you.

your sociopath unfortunately, tragically, will never have that. he will never know the joy of putting his finger inside a little hand and having that little hand close warmly around it.

that is the love that takes your breath away, not flowers on valentines day. not a trip to the beach or fine wine. that is the love your sociopath will never know.

you have love in your life. don’t worry about the future. you are just fine. happy valentine’s day. now it is time to go to your son’s school and celebrate with little children. it is a joyous day for you!

and allow yourself this moment, and only this moment, to consider what the sociopath’s valentine’s day is like. the only word that comes to mind right now is EMPTY.

first of all, he doesn’t have the priviledge of sending you flowers. too bad he missed out. he is unworthy of you – and he knows it.

we know you loved him once, and we now understand that he was born without a crucial piece that makes him human. some people are born without legs. he was born without a soul. and that is what make this all so tragic. some people just bring us pain. your sociopath is one of them. he knows it too. it is all very, very sad.

now that moment is over. now go get dressed and get to your son’s school!

wear your pink coat. have a blast! happy valentine’s day to you! you can truly understand the meaning of the day dedicated to love.

kiss your son. kiss your dog. put a pink bow in your hair and polish your nails to match. you are strong and radiant today.

love and hugs, your Valentine forever, ME

Lilygirl

Loved, loved, loved your letter, particularly the part about teaching your son to have a conscience. How huge is that? What a tribute it is that he will not grow up to be a manipulative, evil S’path.

Most of all, love the sentiment behind it. We are our best valentines, always.

Much care to you and hugs. Welcome out from lurk-land.

How much did I love this letter too? Let me count that ways! That is so so great that you did this for yourself. This is what I am learning every day. Love myself. I wasn’t doing that when I was with the Sociopath.

Thanks for the beautiful contribution to all of us. I will think of you when I wear my pink coat! And I did just pain my toes pink. How funny.

hi guys –
i am so glad the letter cheered you up!

while i am still struggling against needing an S fix, i think letting go of anger and putting my energy into positive thoughts keeps me from sinking back into the madness.

i am so glad i am here. i think i finally found people who truly understand and with all your validation, i am ready to laugh again. can’t wait!!

Hi everyone,

I too have been a victim of love fraud, and found this website, the related to others stories and time, and therapy is allowing me to move on from the horror of that short abusive lies lies lies marriage that I got out of after 4 months. He stalked me for awhile. I found out I was wife #6, plus 2 live ins that he financially wiped out. He got all the women’s homes and had them go in busines with him, being they worked he spent the money. He was into swinger lifestyle and worse, the more yousaid ok to to please him, and not get the silent treatment or worse, the further risks he would take sexually, always at the woman’s expense. I recently found a post on Craigslits, with his picture and his charming, Starter Introduction line for Men wanting to meet women, it starts alwasy with “Explore the possiblities” Well then he goes on with a bio on him, and a pic of 6 years ago of him, now he is supposedly dying! oh lord,finding this, 1st scares me for the women still he preys upon, but yet, it felt somewhat healing to see that YES he did this to me too… I was dumb and blind, I saw signs 2 weeks after I moved in with him, and wanted to leave, but didn’t as my paretns, the 35k I had invested in the home, which he never put in the home, I trusted a con man, and my children and my mother and father did too. Anyway, here is his Valentine Day posting on CL’s. Be careful out there ladies, he is looking for a vulnerable woman he sells a beautiful package, but now he sells it with feel sorry for me too, as I am down on my luck!!! He is hunting for wifey #7. God help the poor gal that links with him… here is his post… without names, or anything… see any familarities, from Northern California, BE WARE OF HIM….(p.s. i paid 6 thousand for an attorney, and had this marriage anulled based on his failure to disclose to me before we were married his sexual perversions, and his bisexuality and preference for me to have sex with many men while he watched, or him with transvetites… I had to testify in open court to his lies. but I was vindicated and judge honored an annullment. The lies and the horror I lived in a few short months have been over since 4/2007 however I am still healing from the pain. It is the worst blow to my psyche I think I have ever had!!! My adult children too, who loved him, they feel they let me down and didn’t notice the signs too? They didn’t he was groomed to be this way, his father a cross dresser, his sister molesting him and letting her friends molest him while she laughed at him at young ages, a dominating mother, he hates women, and would love to be with a man, but likes to APPEAR in the world normal, but lord, if you marry him, its ALL out, and it is scary and terrible to survive, I came out only 35K down, his other wives, lost their homes, and more!! he has twin daughters, they never knew of me!!! He barely contacts them, when he needs to borrow money! Their mother was wifey #2, she got the hell out of California shortly after the children were born, she was smart!!! I have met two wives, they helped me get thru the anullment, shared stories, he wastn’ as sexually abusive in their marriages, but it was heading there… anyway, one stayed 4 years. lost everything, loads of legal fees, so here is that posting for Valenties day…
actually this is posting responding to a woman interstedin him, it’s cracking me up!!! His picture attached to it ( I didn’t post that here) I wish I could to warn everyone…

here it is HIS Ad I call him Satan (me and his other wives do) lol

“I apologize for not responding sooner. I wrote my ad because I really want to
share my life
with a woman with whom I can experience all the wonderful and beautiful feelings
and emotions
found in the best of any fairy tale writings.

You sound like a woman with a beautiful and kind soul. I would welcome the
warmth of your smile
and reach out to you offering my hand that we may walk in unity down whatever
path we had chosen
for the moment.

Being a proud man at times I feel inadequate to provide, or bring to the table
so to speak, the
financial stability at this time, which I will address later, that I was
accustomed to. Being old fashioned
I find it hard to accept that someone would understand this single thought of
insecurity I foster at this time.
I suppose I’ve decided to set aside my emotions fo the moment by writing to you
in hopes that perhaps
you too might want to be blessed with a true and meaningful relationship such as
I, while understanding
that the nature of the economy at this time has affected many people not just
myself.
I know it is important that many woman have some sort of need for a successful
man to at least provide
a feeling of security. I also suspect that many women have been taken advantage
by men in the past which
I find inexcusable but I assure you that I am not capable of such behavior. I am
a giving man, not a taker
which is attributed to my Mothers wonderful upbringing of me.

Here’s a little about me that may help you determine if you’d like to explore
the possibilities.

I was born in Berkeley and have lived in the bay area ever since. I have 2 older
sisters
and 2 Beautiful Twin daughters. My girls live in Oklahoma attending college.
Their fantastic
mom and I were divorced when they were very young and she retreated to her home
in
OKC. Nice place to Fly over in my opinion. Raised by my Mother due to an early
divorce
and growing up in a family of women I have the utmost respect for women.
I really am a true Gentleman and very much old fashioned as far as treating all
women with
respect. I open all doors, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, pull out chairs,
stand when
a lady gets up from her chair, enters the room, I’m a good listener, polite,
Christian attending
church when able, often referred to as being very intelligent, loving, sensual,
wear my heart on my
sleeve (not always a good thing), past boy scout, past master counselor
(Demolay), past president W.C.
Jaycees, past president Mt. Diablo Young Citizens and a lot of other things that
have made me who
I am today etc ………..

Been self employed for most of my life except for the present. I’ve been in real
estate since 1979, left the resale market in 2000 and open my appraisal company.
Due to the market crash and present conditions I had to humble myself and take a
job at the Home Depot to supplement my income. I’m a flooring specialist which
keeps me in the housing loop which I really enjoy. My supplemental job however
has turned into my
primary source of income with my appraisal co. continuing to be almost non
existent. Most of my business clients have closed their doors and gone out of
business or bankrupt. This being the case my income has been drastically reduced
from 125K +/- to one sufficient to cover my living expenses. It’s a terrible
situation
affecting the whole economy as I’m sure you are aware, but one can only hope
that times ahead will
bring us all some relief and recovery.

As for what I’m looking for I prefer to say, I’m not looking, but rather hope to
be blessed with a life partner someday to explore the approaching golden years
of life
with. I hope she will be youthful in spirit, kind, loving, sensual, adventurous
and wanting to be loved as I will love her.

So now you have a little idea of what I’m about. I’m not going to ask that you
tell me about yourself here as I much prefer meeting in person so I can look
into your eyes as
a pathway to your soul which in my experience reveals much more than this form
of communication.

So if you wish to continue let me know. If not, I understand and I wish you the
very best in whatever you desire

LOL he signs it, see how he is telling her what a beautiful sould she has? How deep he is getting, all she did was say to him, if you want a pic of me, please send me your email address as Craigslist won’t let me post!! i hope they publically write more so I can see if she goes for it, I hope not!!!!

I loved the letter written to yourself. How empowering.
Very smart, and so good to be good to yourself. Nurture your spirit, and your son will see his mothers strength and love, and KNOW that she deserves love, and he is loving and kind as you are! What a powerful posting, and just what I needed to read, awesome. You are all amazing women… with miracles of life handed to you, freedom from the pain of living a lie!!! God Bless

Wow, Movedoninpain, he is really a “word smith” he should make a fortune writing those “lust and smut” novels with the pictures of the hunk on the front! He is missing his calling in a legitimate industry!

I would love to have a “date” with his fictional character—ahhhhh, what romance—NOT! LOL

There may be some legitimately nice people on the internet date sites, but how could you get to know someone well enough (after our encounters anyway with people we met in real life) to get involved with someone on the internet.

My son married his NOW X WIFE (Thank you God!) he met on the internet and she took him for an 8 yr ride and then tried to kill him–she just got out of jail a few days ago, and is on 3 yrs probation, and back up to her sneaky financial tricks. She also stole $24,000 from my elderly mom, but we got most of it back after her arrest. Her boyfriend and coconspiritor is still in prison. I will be at his parole hearing though so hopefully even with prison over crowding, he will spend most of his sentence inside. He is a habitual criminal including molestation of 3 kids, 9, 11 and 14. Of course he has told her that the ages and number of kids molested is “all a big mistake” the prison system made….yea,, right! She is waiting for him.

What amazes me is that this woman is not stupid, she is apparently Borderline Personality Disorder (rather than P or N I think) and seems to pick men that will abuse her, my son would not abuse her, but she needed support while she took care of her disabled son who has recently died, so she no longer has that ball and chain around her leg, and can go find a man who will abuse her. (the push pull of the BPD) We found photographs after her arrest of her bound and gagged and S&M stuff, and she had not even had the couth to cover her face in them, but was there for all the world to see. So I guess she really does like guys that “take control” and beat her—duh!

I am just glad that my son got out of the situation alive.

While personality disordered people can be very and seriously dangerous, so if you ONLY lost money, or ONLY lost your house, feel lucky that you didnt lose your life. I know that is a backwards way to look at it, but I don’t whine any more about the money they (multiple Ps) have cost me, whatever it cost it was worth the price to finally “see the light” and to realize what I was doing wrong to let these people keep abusing me—unfortunately one gave birth to me,k one was my sire and I gave birth to the third, and dated the 4th! DUH, I get it now!!!!

Liane writes: ”Perhaps we should consider whether Valentine’s Day should also be named “Love Fraud Awareness Day.”

Where do I sign? x

I love what eyeswideshut wrote back in 2008 …”What a barren existence, a life sentence it must be to simply get out of bed every morning and have to “play the game” To have to do the mental tabulation of your lies and your liabilities, your assets and your secrets. to choose the face you will wear today, the moment and opportunity you will jump at your prey. Only to never satisfy your hunger, to never be sated. It must be hell.

And who would choose to go there for the sake of a mirage??? ”

EXACTLY.

Very touching stories. So much emotion and feelings of longing.

The original set of posts are 5 years old, so I wonder how they are all doing now.

Tea Light:

Yes, we know them, don’t we? x

Lou, we do my love, we do. Happy Valentine’s Day !!x

Fixer, yes I hope all these posters are doing well today, and Happy Valentine’s to you!! x

Fiixeerupper, I’m doing pretty well, thank you for asking. Alohatraveler is also doing well, just finished her masters in social work and has her license.
Haven’t heard from Beverly in a while, but last we heard she was doing great!

As for the rest of the people who posted back then, well they drifted away at some point and so don’t know how they are doing now.

But yea, this is a great article.

Tea Light:

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Speaking of where people are, we haven’t heard from Athena lately.

And what happened to Raggedy Ann?? I am not being flippant; I truly wonder what happened after the upside down writing?

Lou you pot stirrer lol yes after the upside down writing fiasco it’s all gone quiet. x

Happy Valentine’s Day, Ox Drover!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Tea Light!

Tea Light:

Haha, I am not really a pot stirrer…just really wondering what happened? x

Lou, what I want to know is, where is BBE?? I was thinking about him becuase of all the snow in NY I hope he’s alrightx I’m heading home now, and I’m going to log back in in about an hour or so, so get your party shoes on Lou! lol. x

raggedy ann is laying low. yes, she loves to talk in third person. pretty much avoiding following comments, just blog articles. I saw “where is BBE?” on left of my screen, and was concerned, so opened this. I asked Donna to send him my apologies if he took my upside down fiasco as anything other than positive wishes, an evidently very clumsy gift. I don’t know if she was able to reach him. I didn’t see all the comments that followed, nor the deleted things. Would get too upset if I looked. I don’t even know if BBE commented. Tea Light, of course you were partially right. Not only was it the case that I possibly had not intended anything destructive or violating or whatever else the claims were, it was also the case that I *definitely* didn’t. Donna suggested I not post for a while so things could calm down(?). Not posting is probably generally a good habit, in my case. I may pop in to address Ruby, with whom I somehow connected in her thread.
In the interest of non-stirring of pots, could someone eventually direct BBE to this post from me? And please with no follow up? No point in rehashing or defending or explaining anything. All that interests me is undoing any pain or discomfort I might have caused BBE.
Thanks in advance.
p.s. The snow was nice. Lots of wind when it hit. It’s a gorgeous, warm and beautiful day here today.

Raggedy, Happy Valentine’s Day, and glad you enjoyed the snow

RaggedyAnn
I am sorry you caught the brunt of some LF posts. People have their perspective and even though there is a whole list of possible interpretations, they pick the one that makes them feel most protected. I ask people to give themselves grace and to extend it to others b/c many times, we know OUR hurt, and we forget that others have the SAME tender feelings we do. No one is entitled to lash out and serve up abuse but in the moment of feeling their pain, they do to others what they would NEVER condone for themselves. I myself have made unintentional blunders and am instantly sorry but found my apologies misused or not acknowledged at all.

I didn’t see the post where you explained your artistry. I thought it was amazing. I am sorry so many interpreted it as the mirroring that is done by sociopaths. I know you are not a sociopath.

Best, Katy

happy valentines day to all my lovefraud ladies and gents..i hope you have somebody special in your life today..
if you dont give yourself a big ole bear hug from
moondoggiedancerhens…..I am serious as a heart attack ~!

Moon, you are so super snuggly. You should sell those hugs and retire early. It was your V Day hug or snuggling up to the psycho’s usb stick of -probably- porn. x

Moondancer
I thank you for your Valentines and since I can’t hug you, I went next door and hugged their weiner dog. (I’ll go do it again after this post, in your name okay?) Truth is, I hug that little dog a lot.He’s a new sweet one, and he grunts this sweet little sound when he is being cuddled. They are fostering it, and if I didn’t already have a fantastic shelter dog, I’d snap him up. I don’t hug the other EIGHT weiner dogs, they act like pack dogs and snap and bark so loud they give me a headache. But I did give them all a snackeroonie b/c on Valentines, I give ALL my neighbors dogs a treat (after asking permission of course).

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