Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Snapshots
By AlohaTraveler
In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath.
Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to the tortilla chips. It was romantic, it was silly, and I felt so in love. Never before had I done a thing like that! It was just a kiss but it was so ideal, so out of the movies. I recall during our first kiss, he embraced me as if he were Fabio on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel. Who wouldn’t swoon for that?
Here’s another snapshot. This time, I am at Home Depot. Why all the retail?! On the radio, Dan Fogelberg’s Longer Than is playing and I start to weep tears of joy. Suddenly, I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of this song about lovers. I know, it’s c-o-r-n-y! This happened during a time that I have referred to as “the happiest two weeks of my life,” or like I said before, “Relationship Crack.”
Another snapshot I have in my mind is spending an hour choosing just the right birthday card for my budding new romance (and more weeping over drippy love songs being piped in over the sound system). God, I was a sap! I ended up with two cards. I saw this as “the first card I would ever give the love of my life” and it had to be perfect. So what’s more perfect than two?
Yet another. This time I am sitting next to my Captain as he skillfully pilots the craft and gives an enlightening spiel about the marine life over his microphone. The guests were rapt with attention as was I, goo-goo eyes and all. I always had a thing for islands, the water, the whales, which were out in full force that day, and of course, the Captain of the ship. Isn’t it perfect?!
I remember looking at the Bad Man with his tanned skin and his Indiana Jones hat. He looked exactly like Harrison Ford back when Harrison Ford still looked good. It was all too perfect. I was living in Hawaii, I had a hunk of a man for my new boyfriend and of course, he had already told me what a “quality woman” I was, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks! Considering that my move to Hawaii was my idea of an “alternate” life plan since, at 35 years old, my marital dreams had not come true, you can imagine how ecstatic I was to have such a lucky break in love. I had only been on the island 10 days when I met the “man of my dreams.” It appeared to me that my dreams were coming true after all. I looked at him and thought to myself, “We are going to be one of those couples that everyone wants to be like!” and I was on top of the world. I thought I had beat the system by letting go of the quest-for-love and reaching for my dreams on my own… and BINGO! My prayers were answered.
Sadly, the signs of danger were already present but my ideal moments, my perfect “snapshots” were clouding my ability, or perhaps, my willingness, to see them. The Bad Man had already mentioned that he had been called a “cult leader” in the newspapers back in Seattle during his days as a Pastor for Assemblies of God. He had been “sort-of excommunicated” because he was an “out of the box thinker” and he had “thrown off the templates” of the traditional hard line thinking of his former Church. He was a “rebel” and a “hero.” He had a “permanent restraining order” against him and all women’s health clinics in the Seattle area. He was “honest” about the “B.S. restraining order” his ex-wife had against him. He told me mournfully that his ex “stole the children” (escaped under extreme duress, I am sure) and that the court would issue a restraining order to any woman that said she was afraid. “The court wouldn’t even question it” he told me, with indignation in his voice. He called her a “gossip” and talked at length about how couples should be able to work out their problems in private or go “up the food chain” for advice and not down. Now in my defense, this was confusing. That seemed like good advice coming from a former Minister. Perhaps his ex was a gossip. I mean I was keeping all our problems private, just like he told me to. Why couldn’t she? I know as I write this that it all sounds ridiculous but alas, the kiss… the kiss! Now, I say, “Alas… the red flags, the RED FLAGS!!!”
Never before had I been so taken in by someone, so consumed by a man. I thought this was the big love that I had been waiting for. I thought it was finally my time. These were the things I was telling myself in those brief moments of heightened romance. As I write this, I realize that my snapshots were just my thoughts. In fact, in some of the snapshots I describe, the Bad Man isn’t even present… just me and my thoughts of LOVE. I was in denial of what was really happening and I let a few highly romantic moments, snapshots, overpower the truth. My own thoughts about what this relationship was going to mean for my formerly-empty-before-him-life were seductive enough for me to all but ignore the truth before me.
In my mind, I have burned up these snapshots. I recognize them for what they are now. They are my own fantasies, and my own dreams that I pinned on someone else. Why are all my dreams riding on someone else? Now when I am asked, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I feel sad and empty. For some reason, I keep getting asked this question lately. I can’t think of anything. I have plans that are solid and based on reality. I am working toward some goals. I have named the steps to achieve my goals and I am ticking them off as I go. But there are no dreams.
When someone loves you, they don’t set out to destroy you. They consider your wellbeing and they consider how their actions affect others. This is what is normal. They don’t terrorize you until you feel like you are worthless. I knew this but I sort of forgot. I forgot because he said the magic words”¦“I am seriously considering you as a potential life partner.” I became a slave to those words and would do anything, endure anything, ignore anything, because of them. It’s like I was on Survivor. I formed an alliance with him! I bought in to his strategy to destroy me and I joined in the plan. Hey, in the end, I even voted myself off the island! I guess you could say, I escaped the Bad Man by leaving while he was at work, kind of like the way he described the day his ex left him with her 5 children in tow. God Bless her.
If it seems that I make light of my encounter with a sociopath, I do not. My story is lit up with red flags, more than I would like to admit. My lessons from the Bad Man cost me some money, some time, many tears, a few friendships, and maybe one thing that needed to go, like a baby tooth needs to go to make room for the emerging adult one. Perhaps my fantasies of love, and being in love, and what that would mean for my life, were a bit girlish. Now, I have a plan for my life beyond loving and devoting my life to someone else. Where was I in all that, anyway?
I have a real snapshot of myself from my time on Maui. It was taken by the Bad Man. When I saved it on my computer, I gave it the file name, “pretending to be happy.” It looks like I am having the time of my life but the truth is, I was sleepless, anxious, afraid, and miserable. I was being emotionally battered, manipulated, terrorized and stalked. I had been called a long list of names your Mother wouldn’t want to hear you say. I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.
Author’s note: The concept for “Snapshots” was introduced to me by my friend, Susan Bradley, RN. Susan is a Relationship Coach, and author of “Irresistible Prescriptions for Love.” For more information, visit her website www.lovinguniversity.com.
Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud
PS: I went back to one of the old internet dating sites I was on and here 2 yrs later the SAME guys are still on there. I think every one of those guys e mailed me once or more times. Kind of makes me thing that they are not there just for finding a partner.
One guy that e mailed me, worked at a school, where I do volunteer work once or twice a year. I e mailed a couple of the teachers there that I knew and got the “skinny” on him before I even met him for coffee. Didn’t want to touch that one with a 10-ft. pole! He is still there on the dating site. LOL
What fascinated me about the article holywatersalt referenced is the law of reciprocity. I have always believed in what I refer to the “reciprocity principle” hence there has to be some form of give-and-take in all relationships, and when this is out of balance, the relationship changes or ceases. It doesn’t always have to be 50-50, but there must be some back and forth exchange (in gifts, phone calls, whatever).
The interesting thing in the article is that the P/S GIVES YOU A GIFT, and you feel like you have to reciprocate. This is how they begin to seduce their victims.
My S was very good at this…in the beginning he gave very expensive gifts (and less so over time until the gift-giving ceased entirely). But in the beginning it was a big SPLASH of jewelry and trips to the kids and me, to demonstrate how important, and wealthy he was (all fraud, or course). We thought he was extremely kind, and generous, and he loved us. BUT his entire AGENDA was to get me to invest with him. He tried for 3 years in 5 different schemes, and when it became evident I would never sign on the dotted line with him, he was gone, and the next woman (after the affair which of course he never had wink wink) has already done it. He bought her a 6 or 7 carat total weight ring (per her brother, I have not personally seen it, nor will I). So, the victim turned around and bought him a million dollar+ house (no kidding). Her money (equity) down, his name jointly on the title within just a few months. Amazing. He will then take out home equity loans against the property without her knowledge or consent; he’s done it before, it’s his MO. It sounds like a fantasy, but truth is stranger than fiction (wouldn’t you agree, OxDrover?)
Sociopath Reciprocity principle: S gives to you, you give to S (tenfold…they are greedy and want more than they give). S takes and takes until they drain you financially, emotionally, and spiritually. The end.
Absolutely, truth is stranger than fiction, Peggy, —which is one reason I will never publish the book about my P-bio father, as I would be labeled a total liar because NO ONE could “really” be like that. LOL
He really didn’t even have to lie, the truth about his life was amazing and interesting (minus the abuse) and few people in the world have led as exciting and as adventurous lives as he did. He really was an amazing man, and to accomplish what he did with almost no formal education was remarkable.
My P-XBF was big in to the GIFTS too, but it was to show that he could lavish his women with goodies that they otherwise couldn’t afford–made him a BIG SPENDER in his own eyes.
When he tried to give me expensive gifts right off the bat, I DECLINED them which I think threw him for a loop and kind of disappointed him. I am not accustomed to taking expensive gifts from men I am not married to or about to marry, it just isn’t in my “code of conduct” and I am fiercely independent financially. While we were dating (early on) my washer died and I mentioned that I needed to get a new one the next day and he came on (puff out chest here) “I’ll buy you one, what do you want?” I thanked him but declined. A few weeks later, I had the same thing happen with the dishwasher, and the same scene with him—
Later into the “serious” stage of the relationship we were at a living history event where there was some very nice and expensive antique Native American Jewelry for sale and it was close to my birthday—I was admiring some of it, one piece in particular, so he bought it, FOR HIMSELF! LOL
After Christmas, when we had been broken up he came back to my place to pick up some living history items that were his that were still stored here from a joint trip we had made to an event, and brought me a tacky “Christmas gift” which I declined. When he left he was crying (real tears I think but not for me, for him of course…) and telling me how mean I was to him and why couldn’t’ we just be “friends”—
From this distance in time and space I can look at him as a pathetic piece of human garbage and I am SO grateful to God that I saw through him before I let him marry me as his next “respectable wife” to cheat on. He was really “big” on having a wife “respected in the community” and though I live in a rural area everyone knows me from when I had a rural health clinic here and because my family has lived here since 1833—he was really “impressed” when we would go places and people would stop me to speak etc.
His first wife was on the local board of directors of the city’s bank, a school principal, etc. He wanted educated women, yet, he was self conscious about not having a formal education and always on the look out for a woman to be “talking down to” him. Real chip on his shoulder about that, but actually he was very bright and quite well self educated. Go figure!~ Interestingly enough, almost all of his long term girlfriends were nurses. The last one I saw him with was also a nurse.
I have learned a lot from the messages on this website. I did put a profile on eharmony but never registered. I am very wary of meeting a complete stranger for coffee or anything.
The sad thing is that I have been asked out for dinner, movies, etc. by some seemingly nice guys over the past 4 years that I have been with my P. Of course, I turned them down because I thought that I was in a committed relationship. Meanwhile, my P was vacationing with another woman. I don’t know if he was involved with other woman during this time as well.
In the beginning he was more affectionate. We haven’t kissed and cuddled much over the past year. We have been intimate but there hasn’t been much affection before or after. Has this been the case with anyone else?
I forgot to add that on several occasions he has been angry with me for something that I did that he didn’t
agree with and said that maybe we should spend some time apart.
I usually ended up crying or getting upset. He would then say that we can try again.
Now I feel that this was just a form of manipulation to somehow show how much control he had over my life.
Let me know what you think.
Hummingbird, if you are still with this guy, RUN don’t walk AWAY from him.
he’s working up to dump you any way (“Maybe we should send time apart”)
Sit down and make a list of the +s and the -s in the relationship–starting with if it is so wonderfull why are you on this site? Second “meanwhile my P was vacationing with another woman”
Add them up and see what the conclusion is. Do you deserve better than this? If you don’t think so, go to your local Union Rescue mission and pick yourself out a homeless wino, it would be a better choice than this guy in MHO.
OxDrover:
Thanks for “filling in the blanks”. Unless one spends 24/7 reading here, it’s hard to keep up!
I also declined gifts initially from the S. But I had an accident (fell off a horse) early in our relationship and he took care of me. So the relationship sped up (and of course became exclusive immediately) because of my dependance on him (I couldn’t walk for a period of time). And he started staying with us immediately to help me; thus he was initially, and literally, a “knight in shining armor”. He was so lavish initially with his spending that my son and his best friend used to argue if he was worth $5 million or $10 million. Of course, he isn’t really worth a wooden nickel, any possessions he has were received through fraud. We thought he was perfect for the first 6 months or a year, he wore his S mask of deception very well, the poor victim that he was (LOL). NOBODY from his past liked him, it was always poor pitiful him. Later, of course, I found the reasons why…
hummngbird:
Oxdrover is right. Once the abuse begins, it intensifies. You CANNOT FIX THIS MAN. There is no magic potion, prescription or shot to give him, it is a useless cause. The person you love does not exist, they are fake. Save yourself some heartache and get away…they become more wicked and cruel as time goes on and their mask falls off, piece by piece. It is a terrible thing to witness, and an even greater thing to personally experience.
My S also became less affectionate over time…until our physical relationship was nothing really but (red hot) sex. But he was never otherwise affectionate to me, nor did he compliment me. If someone loves you, they are kind, respecting, loving, sharing and affectionate. Someone genuine tells you the truth and has integrity. Someone who loves you does NOT vacation with another woman.
“Oxdrover is right. Once the abuse begins, it intensifies. You CANNOT FIX THIS MAN.”
Thank you, peggy-pseu. Was just reading about boundaries, control, power, toxic relationships and seeing my own part in what happened, how I reacted, my own dependency issues. Was feeling sort of like “what came first, his abuse or my powerlessness…” because I evaded like crazy once he started doing the really out-there stuff.
Then came here and saw what you wrote, remembered back to when I was too busy one morning to answer the phone and that night he called and mocked my responses, yelled at me, made fun of me and made me feel like crap for not answering the phone.
Prior to that, he was mean to me one night and called me by another woman’s first name.
If not that first night, then definitely that second night, I should have run so fast, so far.
Sometimes when you look back on the craziness and your reactions to the craziness, you forget who is to blame. Especially if you are used to being the family scapegoat. But that post made it crystal clear. He was toxic and abusive from the very beginning. I just minimized it and thought I could set boundaries on verbal abuse and that would be it. Sure…until he decided to take a different approach.
LilOrphan:
It doesn’t really matter what came first, his abuse or your powerlessness. Abuse is abuse, abuse intensifies, and abuse is wrong. Regardless of your station in life, your education, your background, your status, regardless of any circumstantial factors, you deserve to be treated with respect. ALWAYS. Abuse is not respect. Lies are not respect.
We all got sucked into the craziness because of the Mr. Nice Guy we thought he was, the mask he wore, all of the chemical stuff, and love talk, and the dream. (Oh, not to forget the great sex). They are predators who sought us out to abuse us. The cool thing is, I don’t think anyone on this site will be fooled again. Furthermore, have you made new friends and learned new things (including, but not exclusive to sociopathy)? It’s like we were in a dark cloud (I actually used to feel that with mine…his moods were so intense I felt it was cloudy and ready for a thunderstorm INSIDE my house)…then we step out of the FOG and THERE IS SUNSHINE! And the sun shines on us, and through us, and into our soul. And it is a beautiful thing, and we delight in it as never before because, in experiencing darkness, we appreciate the sun. Makes me think of the song, “Let the Sun shine…Let the Sun shine in…”. Oh YEAH.
No matter what your situaton, the abuse was wrong. HE WAS WRONG. The Bad Man was wrong. And oh yeah, I forgot, He is The Lie.
LilOrphan:
It doesn’t really matter what came first, his abuse or your powerlessness. Abuse is abuse, abuse intensifies, and abuse is wrong. Regardless of your station in life, your education, your background, your status, regardless of any circumstantial factors, you deserve to be treated with respect. ALWAYS. Abuse is not respect. Lies are not respect.
We all got sucked into the craziness because of the Mr. Nice Guy we thought he was, and hoped he was, the mask he wore, all of the chemical stuff, and love talk, and the dream. (Oh, not to forget the great sex). Sociopaths are predators who sought us out to abuse us….pick one or all, emotional, verbal, sexual, physical, torment, lying, twisting and turning the truth, projection, namecalling, there’s an entire gamit of insanity they inflict upon is. We WERE victims. But we are not victims anymore, because we have learned from this experience…and it will never happen again.
That’s the really cool thing…I truly don’t believe anyone on this site will be fooled again. Like OxDrover says, “walks like a duck…” Furthermore, have you made new friends and learned new things (including, but not exclusive to sociopathy) since the termination of the relationship? It’s like we were in a dark cloud (I actually used to feel that with my S…his moods became so intense I felt it was cloudy and ready for a thunderstorm INSIDE my house)…then we step out of the FOG and THERE IS SUNSHINE! And the sun shines on us, and through us, and into our soul. And it is a beautiful thing, and we delight in it as never before because, in experiencing darkness, we appreciate the light, we glory in it, and absorb it. Makes me think of the song, “Let the Sun shine…Let the Sun shine in…”. Oh YEAH. Almost makes me feel like dancing.