Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Snapshots
By AlohaTraveler
In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath.
Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to the tortilla chips. It was romantic, it was silly, and I felt so in love. Never before had I done a thing like that! It was just a kiss but it was so ideal, so out of the movies. I recall during our first kiss, he embraced me as if he were Fabio on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel. Who wouldn’t swoon for that?
Here’s another snapshot. This time, I am at Home Depot. Why all the retail?! On the radio, Dan Fogelberg’s Longer Than is playing and I start to weep tears of joy. Suddenly, I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of this song about lovers. I know, it’s c-o-r-n-y! This happened during a time that I have referred to as “the happiest two weeks of my life,” or like I said before, “Relationship Crack.”
Another snapshot I have in my mind is spending an hour choosing just the right birthday card for my budding new romance (and more weeping over drippy love songs being piped in over the sound system). God, I was a sap! I ended up with two cards. I saw this as “the first card I would ever give the love of my life” and it had to be perfect. So what’s more perfect than two?
Yet another. This time I am sitting next to my Captain as he skillfully pilots the craft and gives an enlightening spiel about the marine life over his microphone. The guests were rapt with attention as was I, goo-goo eyes and all. I always had a thing for islands, the water, the whales, which were out in full force that day, and of course, the Captain of the ship. Isn’t it perfect?!
I remember looking at the Bad Man with his tanned skin and his Indiana Jones hat. He looked exactly like Harrison Ford back when Harrison Ford still looked good. It was all too perfect. I was living in Hawaii, I had a hunk of a man for my new boyfriend and of course, he had already told me what a “quality woman” I was, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks! Considering that my move to Hawaii was my idea of an “alternate” life plan since, at 35 years old, my marital dreams had not come true, you can imagine how ecstatic I was to have such a lucky break in love. I had only been on the island 10 days when I met the “man of my dreams.” It appeared to me that my dreams were coming true after all. I looked at him and thought to myself, “We are going to be one of those couples that everyone wants to be like!” and I was on top of the world. I thought I had beat the system by letting go of the quest-for-love and reaching for my dreams on my own… and BINGO! My prayers were answered.
Sadly, the signs of danger were already present but my ideal moments, my perfect “snapshots” were clouding my ability, or perhaps, my willingness, to see them. The Bad Man had already mentioned that he had been called a “cult leader” in the newspapers back in Seattle during his days as a Pastor for Assemblies of God. He had been “sort-of excommunicated” because he was an “out of the box thinker” and he had “thrown off the templates” of the traditional hard line thinking of his former Church. He was a “rebel” and a “hero.” He had a “permanent restraining order” against him and all women’s health clinics in the Seattle area. He was “honest” about the “B.S. restraining order” his ex-wife had against him. He told me mournfully that his ex “stole the children” (escaped under extreme duress, I am sure) and that the court would issue a restraining order to any woman that said she was afraid. “The court wouldn’t even question it” he told me, with indignation in his voice. He called her a “gossip” and talked at length about how couples should be able to work out their problems in private or go “up the food chain” for advice and not down. Now in my defense, this was confusing. That seemed like good advice coming from a former Minister. Perhaps his ex was a gossip. I mean I was keeping all our problems private, just like he told me to. Why couldn’t she? I know as I write this that it all sounds ridiculous but alas, the kiss… the kiss! Now, I say, “Alas… the red flags, the RED FLAGS!!!”
Never before had I been so taken in by someone, so consumed by a man. I thought this was the big love that I had been waiting for. I thought it was finally my time. These were the things I was telling myself in those brief moments of heightened romance. As I write this, I realize that my snapshots were just my thoughts. In fact, in some of the snapshots I describe, the Bad Man isn’t even present… just me and my thoughts of LOVE. I was in denial of what was really happening and I let a few highly romantic moments, snapshots, overpower the truth. My own thoughts about what this relationship was going to mean for my formerly-empty-before-him-life were seductive enough for me to all but ignore the truth before me.
In my mind, I have burned up these snapshots. I recognize them for what they are now. They are my own fantasies, and my own dreams that I pinned on someone else. Why are all my dreams riding on someone else? Now when I am asked, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I feel sad and empty. For some reason, I keep getting asked this question lately. I can’t think of anything. I have plans that are solid and based on reality. I am working toward some goals. I have named the steps to achieve my goals and I am ticking them off as I go. But there are no dreams.
When someone loves you, they don’t set out to destroy you. They consider your wellbeing and they consider how their actions affect others. This is what is normal. They don’t terrorize you until you feel like you are worthless. I knew this but I sort of forgot. I forgot because he said the magic words”¦“I am seriously considering you as a potential life partner.” I became a slave to those words and would do anything, endure anything, ignore anything, because of them. It’s like I was on Survivor. I formed an alliance with him! I bought in to his strategy to destroy me and I joined in the plan. Hey, in the end, I even voted myself off the island! I guess you could say, I escaped the Bad Man by leaving while he was at work, kind of like the way he described the day his ex left him with her 5 children in tow. God Bless her.
If it seems that I make light of my encounter with a sociopath, I do not. My story is lit up with red flags, more than I would like to admit. My lessons from the Bad Man cost me some money, some time, many tears, a few friendships, and maybe one thing that needed to go, like a baby tooth needs to go to make room for the emerging adult one. Perhaps my fantasies of love, and being in love, and what that would mean for my life, were a bit girlish. Now, I have a plan for my life beyond loving and devoting my life to someone else. Where was I in all that, anyway?
I have a real snapshot of myself from my time on Maui. It was taken by the Bad Man. When I saved it on my computer, I gave it the file name, “pretending to be happy.” It looks like I am having the time of my life but the truth is, I was sleepless, anxious, afraid, and miserable. I was being emotionally battered, manipulated, terrorized and stalked. I had been called a long list of names your Mother wouldn’t want to hear you say. I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.
Author’s note: The concept for “Snapshots” was introduced to me by my friend, Susan Bradley, RN. Susan is a Relationship Coach, and author of “Irresistible Prescriptions for Love.” For more information, visit her website www.lovinguniversity.com.
Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud
I feel like I have been going forward and back as well. I hid this relationship with him from my family because he said that my children weren’t ready for a new man in their life.
LilOrphan: It wasn’t just you. We all fell in love with someone who presented themselves as the kind of person we wanted to have in our lives. I can see now that the flattery, attention, interest, gifts, etc. were just an elaborate ploy to make me think that he loved me and was concerned about me.
The money bothers me because I gave it no questions asked. I can see now that part of his interest was in emptying my bank account.
I am going to look at the links you sent Peggy. I am so glad that I found this website; otherwise, I wouldn’t have any outlet for the horrible betrayal that I feel.
Everyone here has been so supportive. It will be hard to explain to others how I could have been manipulated the way I have been.
I also keep looking back at what I did and said over the past four years. I should never have let someone dominate my life like he has. I know how you feel about trying to figure out what would have happened if you had done something differently.
hummingbird1418/LilOrphan:
Learning about Sociopathy has been one of the most fascinating sciences. It is utterly amazing. And I am so thankful that we are all figuring out the “puzzle” of what happened, then the “why” of them, but also the “why” of us…why did we believe, why did we allow ourselves to be abused, why were we deceived? What is wrong with US? WHY?
So many questions have been answered here that it has been very healing. It is wonderful to commiserate and rejoice with people on Lovefraud we don’t even “know” … who start to feel like your friends as if a bonding takes place because of your shared experiences.
It is so interesting to see the same pattern repeat itself…the S’s do the same things, and WE tend to be very similar in our behaviours/reactions as well. So ultimately, in our quest for knowledge about S’s, I believe the end result is that we become very introspective in figuring the meaning/purpose of life’s adventure and “why” we behave as we do, and, ultimately, “who” we are. The road is a bit bumpy and treacherous at first, but there are beautiful meadows, snow-capped mountains, streams and flowers as we come to understand the beauty that exists in US. It has become, for me, almost a spiritual quest, and an incredible process..I am glad that we have shared this journey together.
It certainly has been a learning experience. Except for what I have seen in movies about psychopaths, I had no idea they functioned so well among us undetected. I always envisioned them as criminals or serial killers luring victims with their lies and promises. I never thought that they could function in what we consider normal society and blend in with the rest of us.
From what I read in Without Conscience by Dr. Hare there is no cure for this. There may have been a chance for therapy when the S was young and still developing social skills. Adult S play the game with therapists and say what they think the therapist wants to hear. They are articulate and can manipulate even a trained psychiatrist.
I feel things so deeply. I can’t imagine having shallow emotions or none at all.
These predators prey on the lonely, confused, nurturing, and loving individuals in our society. They steal their assets and their dignity. They make them doubt themselves. They try to dominate all aspects of their lives.
But..but..but…(whines and stomps feet) I was ALREADY introspective and curious about life. Too much, sometimes. 🙂 I guess that may be the silver lining, that we have to grow from this experience, somehow, and become better people, and we often do just that, learn more…for me, HEAL myself, and for many of you too.
I was lonely back then. Not confused, not without a good sense of who I am, but lonely and easily dominated because I was in charge of two sick parents, one rebellious teen and one sick pre-teen. It felt like the world was on my shoulders and nobody was there to help me figure it all out. Was so worried about failing any of those four, letting them down, screwing something up, having to be the person in charge and do it all alone. He even said, “Who’s there to take care of you?” when we first started talking again. Had never thought of it that way. Once those floodgates opened, I wanted so much for someone to help me, to take some of it off me.
The funny part? Aside from the distractions of decent sex and nice dinners…nobody ever did come along who really helped or took any of it off me. He really didn’t when the chips were down. He did in the beginning hug me, try to make me feel better through activities, but he made a very clear distinction between his life and mine….he did not ever really want to become a part of mine. Never met the parents, only met one of the kids.
We never progressed beyond the initial stage of dating – never gave each other our home keys, never announced we were together, never dropped by on each other….
I remember feeling that he deliberately kept things at a certain level between us: this close and no closer, regardless of what he said otherwise. And if we started getting closer, he poofed for a few days or staged a disagreement, or said something to toss me back into uncertainty.
It all felt orchestrated, these events as they happened.
As “caregivers” of others–parents, etc. we tend to put other’s needs first before our own. I know that I did that to a great degree. My wonderful step father was ill for about a year before my husband died and I was his caregiver for 24/7 for a while, and then pretty much all the time with some breaks, but I WANTED to do that, and I should have done that, BUT–B-U-T- I should have taken more time for myself and my own needs….so by the time my husband died in the accident, I was already weakened from too much care giving for others.
Then I CONTINUED to take care of my step father for another 6 months, and during that time mom had surgery and needed my care–I had two hospital beds in their house for several months. I had household help, and home health, but it seemed as if each of them would have one complication or drug reaction after another.
AGAIN, I didn’t take care of ME.
After my dad died, I continued to do too much care taking of mom but she had surgery after surgery and complication after complication—but again, I DID TOO MUCH FOR HER and NOTHING for me.
Then the P BF sent me for a loop, 8 months of “relationship” and 6 months of healing over that kick in the teeth.
After mom got where she should have been more self sufficient, she became DEPENDENT and EXPECTED that I should continue the care giving and when I tried to set a boundary and take care of me, she saw it as an abandonment of her, and I had NO right to take care of me—not when she wanted me there at her beck and call.
Then all hell broke loose with the Trojan horse P coming on the scene at the lowest ebb for me, and the timing was perfect for the scam.
I am just grateful to God that I intuitively knew that it was dangerous and that I had to escape to live. I can honestly say that the Internet saved by life, because it was through the Internet that his SEXUAL predator history was disclosed—a friend found it and sent to me, after that I got in touch with the sheriff, the private investigator etc. and put 2 and 2 together and when I couldn’t do anything else, got the heck out of “Dodge”—
Taking care of those we love, our spouse, parent, children, can be an ALL CONSUMING job if we let it, but IT IS NOT HEALTHY to do so. I realize that there are crises like a sick child, or parent or spouse, but we MUST MUST MUST take care of ourselves as well. Especially because if we don’t’ we will use all our own resources for someone else and then we will have NONE left for them as well as NONE left for ourselves.
I have preached this for years to others who were caregivers for sick kids or parents or spouses, but just didn’t take my own advice. I thought I was “tough” and could hold on better than those others—forgetting that I am just as human as they are and I need to take care of ME too.
The sandwich generation of which I am one, is taking care of your kids at the same time as taking care of your parents is a perfect set up for not taking care of yourself, but we MUST.
Now, I take care of me first and if you are ON FIRE, if I have the energy I will put you out, but I am not going to totally deplete all my energy on anyone else. I just can’t do it. I have to rebuild some reserves of emotional strength.
That is exactly the way it was with us. We did exchange house keys, but I have not meant any members of his family except his son and that was at work.
He gave me the excuse that it wouldn’t look good to his grand-children if we moved in together.
I left work early on Valentine’s Day to drop off a gift at his house. He was very upset because he said that his neighbors called the police thinking that I was a burglar.
I have been at this man’s house hundreds of times and they have to know me and my car.
I think that he just doesn’t want me dropping in anytime without warning. He said that I would need to inform him first in case one of the police called him.
We also have never told anyone we are seeing each other. Here at work a few have suspected but nothing was ever said.
I’m glad you said that because I thought it was odd.
He wanted me to wait until I was divorced a year to tell my children. That will be in September and we know that will never happen. If I hadn’t planned to end it, he would have before that happened. I can never meet the family when he has taken the other woman to all his family functions and vacations.
Odd…yes. It was odd. Ours was “not believing in living together when kids were involved.” Which, you know, I don’t believe in it. But later, as he grew more and more distant and less present, I knew that wasn’t really the problem. The problem was apparently we had an expiration date stamped somewhere on us that only he knew about – and it was long before my daughter would be ready to move out.
I just don’t. get. it.
I mean, why bother? Why bother dating someone you didn’t love for nearly a year? Why spend every night on the phone with her for the first three months before she’d even agree to see you again? Why spend all that cash on nights out with her? Why woo someone you don’t have any idea what the heck to do with and you plan to discard anyway?
Privately, I used to see it as my being a very lovely antique and him being the owner of a roomful of contemporary furniture: he knew I was valuable and worth keeping, but he had no place where I’d actually belong in the rest of his life.
It’s all so very weird. I respected those odd boundaries of his, his wanting to keep everything compartmentalized, until I eventually thought they were in place to keep the “interaction” self-limiting. That they weren’t an outgrowth of just who he was, or a desire to go slow, or a desire to maintain autonomy — but a way to control me and control the relationship as he wanted it to be. Limited. Barely present. Easily dismissed.
And ugh, I do really love some things and miss some things. Not really the sex, even, although he is still the best partner I had there, too. More the closeness when we were together physically, laying on the couch watching tv. I craved that man’s presence in ways that never happened before or since. And hear you guys say the same kinds of things!
Was it the good and bad dichotomy and emotional roller coaster that caused an addiction? I used to think it was that I understood his soul and he understood mine, deep down, that we were meant to be together, that he felt like HOME. I don’t mean my abusive parents’ home. I mean my own heart’s home.
All of this is so hard to admit, but ultimately it will be freeing, hopefully.
LilOrphan, your recollection twanged a discordant note with me. When I met my exN he was a solitary single man with strong messages around his privacy and I respected that. But in a sense I was unknowingly colluding in a game which he had played before and in which I was totally unaware. Why didnt I just turn up at his place when he cancelled one of our arrangements. When he was supposedly asleep and I was calling him but sitting outside his place, why didnt I call at his door to check him.
Probably because I knew he would blame me for insecurity (his number one accusation) and I would get some rage. But why didnt I turn up at his work when he had to ‘unexpectedly’ work on christmas day? Because I wanted to trust him. What I realised in the end, was that it was all about control to him and that everything he said and did was thought out in advance. Like you said, why did they show willing, because its all about the chase.
LIL O-crasrd
The attention, the interest- that’s what killed me. I did not have a physical r/s with p ( despite his desire to do so) but he was ever attentive– within BOUNDS. He’d call every day, email, visit me, for over a year–acted as if he and I (and some others) were “his friends.” But I was special,well early on I figured out the rules, I called him once, asked if he was busy , he said no- started to talk about my day- ten seconds he had to go.
I maybe called him 5 times to his hundreds–b/c I was most defintely TRAINED not to, that and to not talk about myself or my interests. He’d go silent. Once- I will never forget this– and this was early on– he cut a conversation of mid-section when I said ” my life is like a book.” I asked him why later, he said:” I thought you were ging to talk about yourself.”
Yeah—Well, I wasn’t stupid enough to try that! My life really was like a book- at the time ironically two books being sold in bookstores (one bestseller) were about events or people I know.
He had no interest at all.
At the end- he told me he charitably was my friend, called to give me a chance to be friendly- thought I was insane and stupid. Correctly stated:
I don’t even know you.
That last statement really hurt, but he knew, he knew he just used me for my connections and since I wouldn’t be sexually useful– he was done. I was objectified totally. And discarded when he no longer needed my connections.
He pretended to be my friend- but NEVER in any real way was–I filled-in his blanks- I assumed. I won’t go into details of how he knew I was a the perfect target, but it was easy to discern and he knew I wanted a friends. So he played that, he lost his bet on sex.
I was just there to listen and give him attention. And yeah allow him to due people. He used me a lot for that.
Quote: Holywatersalt
“I thought you were going to talk about yourself” LOL ROTFL
He just wanted an AUDIENCE for his performance. Now N-ish of him. LOL
Isn’t it laughable NOW when we see how totally self-centered they are? What kind of “friend” doesn’t want to know about YOU?