Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Snapshots
By AlohaTraveler
In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath.
Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to the tortilla chips. It was romantic, it was silly, and I felt so in love. Never before had I done a thing like that! It was just a kiss but it was so ideal, so out of the movies. I recall during our first kiss, he embraced me as if he were Fabio on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel. Who wouldn’t swoon for that?
Here’s another snapshot. This time, I am at Home Depot. Why all the retail?! On the radio, Dan Fogelberg’s Longer Than is playing and I start to weep tears of joy. Suddenly, I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of this song about lovers. I know, it’s c-o-r-n-y! This happened during a time that I have referred to as “the happiest two weeks of my life,” or like I said before, “Relationship Crack.”
Another snapshot I have in my mind is spending an hour choosing just the right birthday card for my budding new romance (and more weeping over drippy love songs being piped in over the sound system). God, I was a sap! I ended up with two cards. I saw this as “the first card I would ever give the love of my life” and it had to be perfect. So what’s more perfect than two?
Yet another. This time I am sitting next to my Captain as he skillfully pilots the craft and gives an enlightening spiel about the marine life over his microphone. The guests were rapt with attention as was I, goo-goo eyes and all. I always had a thing for islands, the water, the whales, which were out in full force that day, and of course, the Captain of the ship. Isn’t it perfect?!
I remember looking at the Bad Man with his tanned skin and his Indiana Jones hat. He looked exactly like Harrison Ford back when Harrison Ford still looked good. It was all too perfect. I was living in Hawaii, I had a hunk of a man for my new boyfriend and of course, he had already told me what a “quality woman” I was, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks! Considering that my move to Hawaii was my idea of an “alternate” life plan since, at 35 years old, my marital dreams had not come true, you can imagine how ecstatic I was to have such a lucky break in love. I had only been on the island 10 days when I met the “man of my dreams.” It appeared to me that my dreams were coming true after all. I looked at him and thought to myself, “We are going to be one of those couples that everyone wants to be like!” and I was on top of the world. I thought I had beat the system by letting go of the quest-for-love and reaching for my dreams on my own… and BINGO! My prayers were answered.
Sadly, the signs of danger were already present but my ideal moments, my perfect “snapshots” were clouding my ability, or perhaps, my willingness, to see them. The Bad Man had already mentioned that he had been called a “cult leader” in the newspapers back in Seattle during his days as a Pastor for Assemblies of God. He had been “sort-of excommunicated” because he was an “out of the box thinker” and he had “thrown off the templates” of the traditional hard line thinking of his former Church. He was a “rebel” and a “hero.” He had a “permanent restraining order” against him and all women’s health clinics in the Seattle area. He was “honest” about the “B.S. restraining order” his ex-wife had against him. He told me mournfully that his ex “stole the children” (escaped under extreme duress, I am sure) and that the court would issue a restraining order to any woman that said she was afraid. “The court wouldn’t even question it” he told me, with indignation in his voice. He called her a “gossip” and talked at length about how couples should be able to work out their problems in private or go “up the food chain” for advice and not down. Now in my defense, this was confusing. That seemed like good advice coming from a former Minister. Perhaps his ex was a gossip. I mean I was keeping all our problems private, just like he told me to. Why couldn’t she? I know as I write this that it all sounds ridiculous but alas, the kiss… the kiss! Now, I say, “Alas… the red flags, the RED FLAGS!!!”
Never before had I been so taken in by someone, so consumed by a man. I thought this was the big love that I had been waiting for. I thought it was finally my time. These were the things I was telling myself in those brief moments of heightened romance. As I write this, I realize that my snapshots were just my thoughts. In fact, in some of the snapshots I describe, the Bad Man isn’t even present… just me and my thoughts of LOVE. I was in denial of what was really happening and I let a few highly romantic moments, snapshots, overpower the truth. My own thoughts about what this relationship was going to mean for my formerly-empty-before-him-life were seductive enough for me to all but ignore the truth before me.
In my mind, I have burned up these snapshots. I recognize them for what they are now. They are my own fantasies, and my own dreams that I pinned on someone else. Why are all my dreams riding on someone else? Now when I am asked, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I feel sad and empty. For some reason, I keep getting asked this question lately. I can’t think of anything. I have plans that are solid and based on reality. I am working toward some goals. I have named the steps to achieve my goals and I am ticking them off as I go. But there are no dreams.
When someone loves you, they don’t set out to destroy you. They consider your wellbeing and they consider how their actions affect others. This is what is normal. They don’t terrorize you until you feel like you are worthless. I knew this but I sort of forgot. I forgot because he said the magic words”¦“I am seriously considering you as a potential life partner.” I became a slave to those words and would do anything, endure anything, ignore anything, because of them. It’s like I was on Survivor. I formed an alliance with him! I bought in to his strategy to destroy me and I joined in the plan. Hey, in the end, I even voted myself off the island! I guess you could say, I escaped the Bad Man by leaving while he was at work, kind of like the way he described the day his ex left him with her 5 children in tow. God Bless her.
If it seems that I make light of my encounter with a sociopath, I do not. My story is lit up with red flags, more than I would like to admit. My lessons from the Bad Man cost me some money, some time, many tears, a few friendships, and maybe one thing that needed to go, like a baby tooth needs to go to make room for the emerging adult one. Perhaps my fantasies of love, and being in love, and what that would mean for my life, were a bit girlish. Now, I have a plan for my life beyond loving and devoting my life to someone else. Where was I in all that, anyway?
I have a real snapshot of myself from my time on Maui. It was taken by the Bad Man. When I saved it on my computer, I gave it the file name, “pretending to be happy.” It looks like I am having the time of my life but the truth is, I was sleepless, anxious, afraid, and miserable. I was being emotionally battered, manipulated, terrorized and stalked. I had been called a long list of names your Mother wouldn’t want to hear you say. I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.
Author’s note: The concept for “Snapshots” was introduced to me by my friend, Susan Bradley, RN. Susan is a Relationship Coach, and author of “Irresistible Prescriptions for Love.” For more information, visit her website www.lovinguniversity.com.
Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud
The “magic moments” with psychopaths don’t just pertain to a lover or spouse…I realized that the “magic moments” with my P-bio father were that at first he treated me like an “adult” where my mother treated me like a little child–this was the “magic” that he held out to me as a fantasy, along with the travel and adventure, the chance to go to Africa and South America and photograph wild life–see the world, learn to fly airplanes. What kid from the sticks wouldn’t be lured by this? The GOOD that came of that though, was that I met my husband then, though it was 20 years later before we married.
With my son, it was the magic he held for me when he was a little kid before he turned into the “monster” man–I wanted those magic moments of pride in my son, enjoyment in my son. FANTASY. They were gone with his adolescence.
With my P-XBF, the magic fantasy he held out to me was that after loving my husband, I could find another “perfect love” again.
All smoke and mirrors–all fantasy–all nothing but a dream, but I fell for them all hook line and sinker!
I think that is the lure. They seem too good to be true and they are. The S appears to be what we have been looking for in a significant other until his true self starts to emerge. They are such accomplished liars and can twist the truth to suit their needs.
I think that an S must have told lies all their lives to be so skilled at it. Most people would hesitate or stammer if they were saying something that was untrue, but it just rolls off the S tongue. Are the traits apparent enough when a S is young that a parent or teacher might notice?
I have read in Dr. Hare’s book that there is not a cure for S or P. Group therapy doesn’t work because of their skills in manipulation. So what is the answer? Avoid them at all costs?
Holywatersalt. Just saw my exN today and guess what, like you, I had no feelings or thoughts about him whatsoever. Infact he was like a stranger and I looked at him and thought I dont know why I even gave him a second look. I really am over him too. I read your contribution dated 30 March and I realised that I am free too. It really does happen! Wow.
Well, as far as “when they are young”–my P son didn’t become apparent until adolescence when he would lie when the truth would fit better.
The ONLY episode of him lying, when caught RED handed was at age 11 he stole money from me, and bought a radio he wanted when I couldn’t afford it…when the parents of the other child confronted him about his “missing” radio they came to me and we all sat down together, the two boys and the 3 parents. My son NEVER DID ADMIT that he was lying, and was defiant and angry…even ran away from home…but I never did see any other of this kind of behavior until he was in puberty when he became VERY defiant.
I’m not sure if I missed anything, but because I was an ACTIVE parent, kept up with his teachers, his playmates and his friends etc. NO ONE observed anything except a child that excelled in school and was very pleasant to be around. I watched him for signs of theft etc. and never detected any until after he had apparently started his career of CRIME.
He is skilled at lies, but, not as skilled as he thinks he is. He becomes frustrated if you don’t “buy into” his lies and becomes angry and nasty—even when he is trying to con you, and like Hare says, his right brain and his left don’t see the dichotomy between what he says and the emotional words he is using. If you don’t look too deeply, he can portray a very philosophical and moral thinker…but looking back through his letters, I also see that I WANTED to believe him at face value and by looking more deeply, I saw how SHALLOW his pronouncements were—there were also quite a few contradictions in them as well.
I think if I had not had “malignant hope” and hadn’t been focused on the FANTASY BAIT I would have seen things more clearly earlier on. By staying focused on the fantasy, I didn’t see what I would have seen in YOUR son, because I was PREJUDICED for my own son.
Because I was so emotionally invested in MY son, what should have been obvious, the contradictions, etc. were IGNORED by me. The RED FLAGS were THERE I just pushed them aside.
I don’t think any of the Ps are good enough to NOT fly the RED FLAGS from time to time, I just think that we “project” the picture of them that we want to see onto their EVIL UGLY FACES….the way they project their faults and blame on to us.
The problem is that we try to change the unchangeable, and they DO change the changeable (US!). The only way that we can break free is to give up trying to change them, and to change OURSELVES in relationship to them.
We posted over each other again, Beverly…LOL
GLAD that you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! Isn’t it WONDERFUL!!!!!!
Congratulations and a dozen red roses to you from me! And a great big PAT ON THE BACK! AND A BIG CYBER ((((((((HUG))))))
Thank you OxDrover. I feel your hugs and your strength and wisdom, which is what I imagined when I went into surgery.
RE:
“I think that an S must have told lies all their lives to be so skilled at it. Most people would hesitate or stammer if they were saying something that was untrue, but it just rolls off the S tongue.”
I actually got to the point where I could detect when he was lying and/or pretending. There was a certain cadence in his voice. Now granted, it took about a year for this particular cadence to register with me.
In the end, I finally heard his “real” speaking voice, when he was breaking up with me. It was dry, cold and very nonchalant … dead. That’s the way he really communicates. I’d heard that voice used with other people he was dismissing from his life, never thought I’d hear it myself. It’s interesting when the real person begins to emerge. You start to discover how little these people really feel in terms of empathy.
NEVERNEVER LAND,
IT ISN’T ‘LITTLE EMPATHY’ IT IS NO, ZIP, ZERO, NADA, NONE–they are NOT capable of ANY empathy, it is all about THEM.
That I think is the hardest part to get your head around, we can’t even begin to comprehend how a mouse thinks, or a snake, or a cow–we can only observe their behavior and sort of maybe possibly get an idea, but we can’t UNDERSTAND completely, and neither can we with the Ps–it is like they are a DIFFERNET SPECIES, or from another planet–the only LOOK HUMAN. Like something out of a sci-fi movie where the aliens take over the bodies of the humans—LOL that’s the closest I can come to it.
At some point though, just like the aliens in human bodies, the REAL them starts to come out. They drop the mask when they no longer need you or want you, or they are in a rage, or are frustrated with you.
Don’t ever trust one of them once you know what they are, any more than you would trust a rattle snake not to bite you, that is JUST WHAT THEY DO.
BEVERLY—
There has been some double-blind research done with praying for patients and there is a statistical difference in the recovery rate and speed of recovery for patients who were prayed for over patients who were not. My belief is that it is God, someone else might believe “positive energy”–what ever it is, it seems to work, and you are in my thoughts and prayers, as are all the other people on this web site–and even if it doesn’t do them any good (though I think it does) I know that it DOES GOOD FOR ME, gives me a feeling that I can HELP not only others, but by helping them, help myself.
Speaking of helping others, I got around today to looking at Dr. Leedom’s web site for parenting the children at risk, and it is really a good one. So she is not only helping herself, but helping other parents in the same boat with her…and I think that in a nutshell is what “life is all about”—helping others, and at the same time, helping ourselves. I think that is why AA works much of the time, or NA or co-dependent groups. Because by helping others we reinforce the things that we need to keep in the forefront of our own brains.
I also looked at M. L Gallager’s website recovering the job, and it is also a great site. There are a multitude of great sites for healing on the web and I think there is “something for everyone” whatever your beliefs, your spiritual awareness, or your stage of healing. I am grateful for the people who work on these sites and keep them up and running. I don’t have the computer skills to do so, but if I can contribute to several of them, I think I have done a little part, if not all that much. I am also able to pray for others and that gives me comfort and I hope does for them too.
You are a strong woman, Beverly and I am so encouraged by seeing your strength in action as you heal from not only your P but from your other health concerns as well. After my summer of the tick fever, I can testify that the stress tears up our immune systems leaving us open to all kinds of health issues.
God bless.
Ah, relationship crack – Aloha, I love that phrase. It’s so accurate. I’ve actually used crack as a good analogy for how I feel about my ex. I know that getting together with him will mean I wind up broke, hurt, sick, miserable, alienated from my family and friends, and it will basically wreck my life. But I find the “high” so intoxicating that there may always be that temptation to do it anyway. Even if there one day that temptation isn’t there, the best policy is definitely to stay away from crack and not tempt fate! lol
I experience the whole “snapshots” phenomenon when my ex was wooing me, too. It’s funny, other than with the ex, I had always been a very pragmatic person as far as relationships go. I am a very emotional person, but I’d never been one who believed in soul mates or fairy tale happy endings or what not. Well, once I got together with a guy who was purposely creating the whole “fairy tale” thing in order to hook me in, that belief changed.
I remember thinking, “Ah, so THIS is what all those movies and songs are talking about, finally I get it.” I also relate to the “We’re going to be one of those couples everyone else wants to be like.” I believe one of my exes quotes was something like “We have the kind of love that most people only dream about it.” And he was right – except he failed to mention that most people only dream it because IT ISN’T REAL. Your descriptions of being in Hawaii w/ your Bad Man remind me of my ex too. The town I moved to so that I could live with him was absolutely, stunningly beautiful. I remember being out sometimes with him in these stunning natural surroundings, and it was all so amazing it was nearly overwhelming. I remember once saying to him that it all felt like a dream, we were so in love and in this place that was so beautiful. I guess when I was talking like this he must have figured that he really had me.
I realized recently that I still occasionally find myself drifting in to “snapshot” mode. Occasionally now if I find myself in a situation where I am feeling down that the ex is not here and we’re not together, I’ve been trying to notice what I am thinking. Usually it’s something along the lines of “It would be so nice if he was here, because then he would (fill in supportive, caring or romantic action here.)” When I notice this I remind myself that actually, that is not reality. That is just my fantasy of who I thought he was being extrapolated in to a future that he is no longer a part of. Getting a handle on this has helped me get my head around missing him, and that I don’t actually miss the real him, I miss the pretend, fantasy him.
Greengirl,
Thanks for your comments. I really don’t miss anything about BM anymore. Sure, it would be nice to meet a handsome Captain and sail off into the sunset but in this mental picture, it’s no longer the BM’s face. These days, I don’t even fantasize “if only” about him. I am not sure exactly when that changed for me. Maybe after my trip to Maui. Also, after that trip late last year, I have been in contact with two women via phone and email that were directly affected by him. We found eachother through Craigslist.
Bad Man is such an evil character for me now… no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
He is gone from that place in my heart but I think for as long as I live, I will never be able to think about Hawaii without remembering him.
My former housemate that l lived with while I was in Maui happens to be visiting Maui right now. (She lives in Reno now of all places.) I asked her, “Are you enjoying all those koo-koo bird sounds in the morning?” We just crack up. I miss her so much. She honestly saved me from losing it while I was out there.
Anyway, I don’t even “look” at my snapshots anymore. Well, maybe I do. I look at myself, crying over love songs at Home Depot and then I laugh. This just seems so ridiculous to me now. Oh well. Live and learn.