Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Snapshots
By AlohaTraveler
In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath.
Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to the tortilla chips. It was romantic, it was silly, and I felt so in love. Never before had I done a thing like that! It was just a kiss but it was so ideal, so out of the movies. I recall during our first kiss, he embraced me as if he were Fabio on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel. Who wouldn’t swoon for that?
Here’s another snapshot. This time, I am at Home Depot. Why all the retail?! On the radio, Dan Fogelberg’s Longer Than is playing and I start to weep tears of joy. Suddenly, I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of this song about lovers. I know, it’s c-o-r-n-y! This happened during a time that I have referred to as “the happiest two weeks of my life,” or like I said before, “Relationship Crack.”
Another snapshot I have in my mind is spending an hour choosing just the right birthday card for my budding new romance (and more weeping over drippy love songs being piped in over the sound system). God, I was a sap! I ended up with two cards. I saw this as “the first card I would ever give the love of my life” and it had to be perfect. So what’s more perfect than two?
Yet another. This time I am sitting next to my Captain as he skillfully pilots the craft and gives an enlightening spiel about the marine life over his microphone. The guests were rapt with attention as was I, goo-goo eyes and all. I always had a thing for islands, the water, the whales, which were out in full force that day, and of course, the Captain of the ship. Isn’t it perfect?!
I remember looking at the Bad Man with his tanned skin and his Indiana Jones hat. He looked exactly like Harrison Ford back when Harrison Ford still looked good. It was all too perfect. I was living in Hawaii, I had a hunk of a man for my new boyfriend and of course, he had already told me what a “quality woman” I was, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks! Considering that my move to Hawaii was my idea of an “alternate” life plan since, at 35 years old, my marital dreams had not come true, you can imagine how ecstatic I was to have such a lucky break in love. I had only been on the island 10 days when I met the “man of my dreams.” It appeared to me that my dreams were coming true after all. I looked at him and thought to myself, “We are going to be one of those couples that everyone wants to be like!” and I was on top of the world. I thought I had beat the system by letting go of the quest-for-love and reaching for my dreams on my own… and BINGO! My prayers were answered.
Sadly, the signs of danger were already present but my ideal moments, my perfect “snapshots” were clouding my ability, or perhaps, my willingness, to see them. The Bad Man had already mentioned that he had been called a “cult leader” in the newspapers back in Seattle during his days as a Pastor for Assemblies of God. He had been “sort-of excommunicated” because he was an “out of the box thinker” and he had “thrown off the templates” of the traditional hard line thinking of his former Church. He was a “rebel” and a “hero.” He had a “permanent restraining order” against him and all women’s health clinics in the Seattle area. He was “honest” about the “B.S. restraining order” his ex-wife had against him. He told me mournfully that his ex “stole the children” (escaped under extreme duress, I am sure) and that the court would issue a restraining order to any woman that said she was afraid. “The court wouldn’t even question it” he told me, with indignation in his voice. He called her a “gossip” and talked at length about how couples should be able to work out their problems in private or go “up the food chain” for advice and not down. Now in my defense, this was confusing. That seemed like good advice coming from a former Minister. Perhaps his ex was a gossip. I mean I was keeping all our problems private, just like he told me to. Why couldn’t she? I know as I write this that it all sounds ridiculous but alas, the kiss… the kiss! Now, I say, “Alas… the red flags, the RED FLAGS!!!”
Never before had I been so taken in by someone, so consumed by a man. I thought this was the big love that I had been waiting for. I thought it was finally my time. These were the things I was telling myself in those brief moments of heightened romance. As I write this, I realize that my snapshots were just my thoughts. In fact, in some of the snapshots I describe, the Bad Man isn’t even present… just me and my thoughts of LOVE. I was in denial of what was really happening and I let a few highly romantic moments, snapshots, overpower the truth. My own thoughts about what this relationship was going to mean for my formerly-empty-before-him-life were seductive enough for me to all but ignore the truth before me.
In my mind, I have burned up these snapshots. I recognize them for what they are now. They are my own fantasies, and my own dreams that I pinned on someone else. Why are all my dreams riding on someone else? Now when I am asked, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I feel sad and empty. For some reason, I keep getting asked this question lately. I can’t think of anything. I have plans that are solid and based on reality. I am working toward some goals. I have named the steps to achieve my goals and I am ticking them off as I go. But there are no dreams.
When someone loves you, they don’t set out to destroy you. They consider your wellbeing and they consider how their actions affect others. This is what is normal. They don’t terrorize you until you feel like you are worthless. I knew this but I sort of forgot. I forgot because he said the magic words”¦“I am seriously considering you as a potential life partner.” I became a slave to those words and would do anything, endure anything, ignore anything, because of them. It’s like I was on Survivor. I formed an alliance with him! I bought in to his strategy to destroy me and I joined in the plan. Hey, in the end, I even voted myself off the island! I guess you could say, I escaped the Bad Man by leaving while he was at work, kind of like the way he described the day his ex left him with her 5 children in tow. God Bless her.
If it seems that I make light of my encounter with a sociopath, I do not. My story is lit up with red flags, more than I would like to admit. My lessons from the Bad Man cost me some money, some time, many tears, a few friendships, and maybe one thing that needed to go, like a baby tooth needs to go to make room for the emerging adult one. Perhaps my fantasies of love, and being in love, and what that would mean for my life, were a bit girlish. Now, I have a plan for my life beyond loving and devoting my life to someone else. Where was I in all that, anyway?
I have a real snapshot of myself from my time on Maui. It was taken by the Bad Man. When I saved it on my computer, I gave it the file name, “pretending to be happy.” It looks like I am having the time of my life but the truth is, I was sleepless, anxious, afraid, and miserable. I was being emotionally battered, manipulated, terrorized and stalked. I had been called a long list of names your Mother wouldn’t want to hear you say. I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.
Author’s note: The concept for “Snapshots” was introduced to me by my friend, Susan Bradley, RN. Susan is a Relationship Coach, and author of “Irresistible Prescriptions for Love.” For more information, visit her website www.lovinguniversity.com.
Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud
Beverly,
Congratulations on your indifference! lol That sounds so weird but that is really what it is. That’s great that you got to that point where he doesn’t affect you anymore. It really is a big step.
Greengirl, you sound like you are at a good place too. It is really smart to analyze your own thoughts like that. Reading here really helps, doesn’t it? It helps us to give names to our own thoughts, to recognize what our minds are doing. That is the first step to changing our thought processes for the better.
Even though S’s “giveaways” are individual, there is something that I have seen in a lot of different sociopaths when they are pretending. They kind of raise their eyebrows and open their eyes to look innocent, like someone who couldn’t possibly tell a lie. It is a face that people who are really innocent don’t need to make so it seems a little strange. It is almost a surprised look. I wonder if that is common. Has anyone else noticed that?
green girl:
That is absolutely true. I am a sceptic and never believed in fairy tale endings. I considered a relationship something you had to constantly work at.
We talked about retiring someday and moving to Maine together. We would buy a house in a small town and live together there. Now I know that this was just part of the lies.
The S does seem too good to be true, but eventually you start to see chips in their outer shell. I still have feelings for mine especially since I see him everyday at work.
I enjoyed all the posts. It makes me feel less alone.
Ariadne :
“Congratulations on your indifference!”
Ha! Think you’ve just inspired me. The day that I actually become totally indifferent will become my second birthday celebration, every year for awhile. We’ll call it “Indifference Day.” When the actual date becomes a memory (because that IS the goal), I’ll only allow myself to think of this experience, and him, on July 4th, Independence Day, each year.
Anyone wanna take the Indifference pledge to do likewise?
I’m getting there. For years, he was my first and last thought every day, whether in each other’s lives or not. But this time, after only a few months, I often wake-up thinking of many other things, and people.
Here’s to indifference.
Ah, indifference………….yes, I want to take the indifference pledge LilOrphan, and I am working hard towards it, but feel that I have a bit further to go yet.
Being caught up in the injustice of it all isn’t helping. I feel so conned by him, and angry with myself for believing his lies. Thinking he was a lovely guy when in fact he is really a nasty piece of work, and an ex con of the worst kind.
We don’t have Independence day here in UK, but it is a good day to celebrate ‘indifference day’. I’m hoping that by the time it comes around this year I will be ready to celebrate. I would give anything to get him out of my head.
Beverley, many congratulations on achieving indifference with your ex. Brilliant! I think I would freak out if I saw my ex right now, it makes my stomach turn just thinking about him. You have done so well to get to this point. I admire your strength and determination.
Ugh…just saw him on the road, again, passing by. He never used to drive down this particular stretch of road – the road he knows I tend to use because it takes me straight to work and home again without having to take the freeway.
I had to come home to pick something up before going in to work, but frankly, I was also uneasy with him in this area. He must be seeing someone here because he lives 20 minutes or so away. Probably he OW who was around when he was with me, I think, who was also from this town).
But…guess what? I had NO emotional reaction, save annoyance. No feeling of missing him. That has to be the first time!
Maybe indifference day is not that far off?
I hope to achieve Indifference Day.
When a real relationship ends, there are good times as well as bad times to remember. In this relationship, I don’t even know which experiences were real for not. I have no idea what he felt for me if anything. I find myself second guessing everything that I did over the past four years.
I wonder how I could have been blinded so long by his charm and cunning. Why didn’t I suspect something was very wrong long before this?
There will never be closure in this relationship. Even if the S attempts to explain himself, would any of it be the truth?
It will be difficult moving on and trusting again.
I would love to feel true indifference, to be honest. But I think that will be a long time coming. Right now, all I feel is anger and the sense of being cheated — cheated out of time, love, and money, all of which were given to him in generous proportions. This morning, I finally came clean with my mother as to where all my savings went. She kept asking my why I didn’t have the money to do such-and-such, and I made up an excuse. But now she knows, about all of the “loans,” the bills of his I paid, the groceries that I bought from an expensive upscale market because he insisted on it, the dinners out he insisted that I pay for, etc.
Sometimes the “indifference” (which is actually the opposite of love–hate is NOT the opposite of love, INDIFFERENCE is.) comes on gradually and then one day you have that AH HA effect and realize it has been there for a while. Or, you feel that you have acheived it and then get a small twinge that tells you that you are not QUITE there but getting there.
As long as you harbor the hate and the anger, you are still renting them room in your head.
After my divorce years ago (I loved him totally, and he wasn’t a P just a confused man) I was devastated, and it was about 18 months later that I was playing with the kids in the yard and we were squirting each other with a water hose, and “fighting” over it and putting it down each other’s pants and shirts, and rolling in the mud and laughing like crazy people and it HIT ME–WE ARE HAPPY! At that point I realized that I had HEALED. I was no longer angry at him, no longer sad for him, no longer grieved for him, no longer wanted him. No longer wondered if I could have done anything different.
My X-BF was a much shorter relationship, but I was sucked in by that P DEEPLY in to the fantasy, so when I kicked him to the curb, it HURT…but when I saw him (and I kind of dreaded it) it was indifference.
With my P son, Ihave no doubt now that I am at the indifference stage. I no longer wonder about him being healthy, sick, injured or anything–I just really don’t even have any interest in him.
I am generally NC with mom, and at first that was difficult and painful, now it is peace-giving–and though I do from time to time have to interact with her verbally (or even face to face at times) it doesn’t give me that gut-wrenching physical pain in my mid section any more, and though I am still kind of disappointed and sad about it, it isn’t deep grief any more. I did have a bit of a twinge the other day when I thought about the court hearing on the 16th of this month that I have to do–but you know–I may not be absolutely 100% indifferent to her, but I am approaching it rapidly. I have no desire to tell her off any more, no desire to try to explain myself, no desire to please her, and actually could give a hoot what she thinks about me.
I don’t feel a need to find out from the neighbors how she is doing and if they ask me, then I say “fine as far as I know” which is a true answer.
I don’t feel an empty spot where our relationship was–even the times it felt good—don’t feel a need to have anything at all to do with her. When this court thing is over, all communication can be handled by e mail or via my son C who is her “watch dog” to keep her from sending money to the P-son in prison–so communication will be very little and face to face not at all unless I run into her at wal mart or something and that isn’t likely.
I feel more like an independent adult capable of making my own decisions now than I have ever felt in my life. Many times I would turn to my mother for advice on “sticky” situations at work in dealing with unreasonable bosses or co-workers, or lots of things, but I see now that I AM CAPABLE OF MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS and that my own decisions are pretty good. I don’t need her “reassurance”—and that is a liberating feeling.
For a while during the “crazyness” I would ask my son D for his advice because he wasn’t as “crazy” about all this as I was and more rational, but I don’t even feel the need to do that any more.
It feels more like I have been emancipated than anything. LOL
Hummingbird, you will regain confidence in your own ability to decide who to trust again, it will just take some time, and thought, I think.
I FELT SO STUPID, how could someone as bright as me be THAT STUPID? Well, I am human. Humans do things for emotional reasons not necessarily logical ones. It was NOT logical, it was emotional. Now, I have confidence that I will NOT ALLOW my emotions to override my GOOD SENSE. I know how to spot the RED FLAGS, and I will NOT ALLOW MYSELF to ignore them again.
I have TRUST IN MYSELF now—I AM CAPABLE. My God how liberating that feeling is! I don’t have to PLEASE anyone else about my decisions. If someone doesn’t like the way I am, or wants to change me, they can kiss my rosy red butt. I am more secure in myself now than ever. I have a conscience and will not take advantage of others or be mean to them, but I will EXPECT and DEMAND that others in my “circle of trust” be courteous and respectful to me, or they can GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE. I will never again–NEVER allow anyone to abuse me again. ANY sign of lies, maliciousness or guile in someone makes them someone I DON’T need close to me.
I have seen not only remarkable growth in myself, but in many of the bloggers here as we have held each other’s hands on this journey of learning and healing. You have each been a comfort to me in more ways than I can say. Thanks to you all.
Oxdrover –
I am conflicted on the whole anger/hate thing. My therapist has told me that it’s normal that I’ve moved into this stage now, and that if I don’t feel the anger and experience it, it will come out in other aspects of my life. For example, I’ll take it out on the man in my next relationship, or I’ll kick the dog, or treat my friends poorly, whatever. However, that said, I don’t like feeling anger! I really am not an angry person. I don’t like holding grudges. It goes against everything that I know that I am as a person. At the same time, I’m powerless to the anger right now.
Snapshots, yes, exactly.
The day my X left my daughter came to help me keep together. Physically, even before his betrayal I could barely walk. But the first thing I did was take down the portrait sketch of him I had done early in the relationship. It was very flattering and really did look just like him. I took it out of the frame and tore it into tiny little bits. Later my daughter admitted she had fished the bits out and taken them down to the river to throw in. He was the only father she had ever known, after crying crocodile tears over her (good actor, tears up a will) he never called her again, never sent her even a Christmas card. One of the things I dislike about him the most, hurting my daughter.
One of the first things he asked for was that portrait, he offered to buy it. How N can you get? I just said I didn’t have it any more, and let him think whatever he wanted. He was smart enough not to ask me why.
I too was worried about if I ever saw him again…I built my entire world around him, even a year and a half later it’s still difficult picking up the pieces. But I ran across an audition he had made on YouTube. Hahahahaahaha! I watched him posture and pose the exact same way he always did, and thought, dang, I was WITH that man? How embarrasing. Was he really that bad when I was with him. The answer is yes. I’m not sure I have attained real indifference, I have that spot bookmarked, and go look at it when ever I get feeling too down. Always makes me feel better. He used to be cute, at 49 he just looks like an old strung out dopper, still acting like he’s 21.
I don’t think I would feel indifferent if I saw him on the street. He’s dangerous. I would have to lie and pretend I didn’t know about the drugs, didn’t know he was killing me, even though it’s impossible not to know it, since I’m still walking, talking and look 20 years younger. But I woudn’t feel any love for him. That was over the minute I found out what he was. I’d already given him one chance, which was a mistake. No way was he staying even on the fringes of my life.
I’m not indifferent to the relationship, that’s going to take me a long time. Getting rid of all those snap shots, well I was a busy little photographer! But also that first week, I removed all of the picture of him and burned them. If there was an animal or person in the shot I wanted to keep, I just removed him digitally, so it looks like he was never there. Which in one sense is soooo true.