Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Snapshots
By AlohaTraveler
In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath.
Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to the tortilla chips. It was romantic, it was silly, and I felt so in love. Never before had I done a thing like that! It was just a kiss but it was so ideal, so out of the movies. I recall during our first kiss, he embraced me as if he were Fabio on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel. Who wouldn’t swoon for that?
Here’s another snapshot. This time, I am at Home Depot. Why all the retail?! On the radio, Dan Fogelberg’s Longer Than is playing and I start to weep tears of joy. Suddenly, I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of this song about lovers. I know, it’s c-o-r-n-y! This happened during a time that I have referred to as “the happiest two weeks of my life,” or like I said before, “Relationship Crack.”
Another snapshot I have in my mind is spending an hour choosing just the right birthday card for my budding new romance (and more weeping over drippy love songs being piped in over the sound system). God, I was a sap! I ended up with two cards. I saw this as “the first card I would ever give the love of my life” and it had to be perfect. So what’s more perfect than two?
Yet another. This time I am sitting next to my Captain as he skillfully pilots the craft and gives an enlightening spiel about the marine life over his microphone. The guests were rapt with attention as was I, goo-goo eyes and all. I always had a thing for islands, the water, the whales, which were out in full force that day, and of course, the Captain of the ship. Isn’t it perfect?!
I remember looking at the Bad Man with his tanned skin and his Indiana Jones hat. He looked exactly like Harrison Ford back when Harrison Ford still looked good. It was all too perfect. I was living in Hawaii, I had a hunk of a man for my new boyfriend and of course, he had already told me what a “quality woman” I was, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks! Considering that my move to Hawaii was my idea of an “alternate” life plan since, at 35 years old, my marital dreams had not come true, you can imagine how ecstatic I was to have such a lucky break in love. I had only been on the island 10 days when I met the “man of my dreams.” It appeared to me that my dreams were coming true after all. I looked at him and thought to myself, “We are going to be one of those couples that everyone wants to be like!” and I was on top of the world. I thought I had beat the system by letting go of the quest-for-love and reaching for my dreams on my own… and BINGO! My prayers were answered.
Sadly, the signs of danger were already present but my ideal moments, my perfect “snapshots” were clouding my ability, or perhaps, my willingness, to see them. The Bad Man had already mentioned that he had been called a “cult leader” in the newspapers back in Seattle during his days as a Pastor for Assemblies of God. He had been “sort-of excommunicated” because he was an “out of the box thinker” and he had “thrown off the templates” of the traditional hard line thinking of his former Church. He was a “rebel” and a “hero.” He had a “permanent restraining order” against him and all women’s health clinics in the Seattle area. He was “honest” about the “B.S. restraining order” his ex-wife had against him. He told me mournfully that his ex “stole the children” (escaped under extreme duress, I am sure) and that the court would issue a restraining order to any woman that said she was afraid. “The court wouldn’t even question it” he told me, with indignation in his voice. He called her a “gossip” and talked at length about how couples should be able to work out their problems in private or go “up the food chain” for advice and not down. Now in my defense, this was confusing. That seemed like good advice coming from a former Minister. Perhaps his ex was a gossip. I mean I was keeping all our problems private, just like he told me to. Why couldn’t she? I know as I write this that it all sounds ridiculous but alas, the kiss… the kiss! Now, I say, “Alas… the red flags, the RED FLAGS!!!”
Never before had I been so taken in by someone, so consumed by a man. I thought this was the big love that I had been waiting for. I thought it was finally my time. These were the things I was telling myself in those brief moments of heightened romance. As I write this, I realize that my snapshots were just my thoughts. In fact, in some of the snapshots I describe, the Bad Man isn’t even present… just me and my thoughts of LOVE. I was in denial of what was really happening and I let a few highly romantic moments, snapshots, overpower the truth. My own thoughts about what this relationship was going to mean for my formerly-empty-before-him-life were seductive enough for me to all but ignore the truth before me.
In my mind, I have burned up these snapshots. I recognize them for what they are now. They are my own fantasies, and my own dreams that I pinned on someone else. Why are all my dreams riding on someone else? Now when I am asked, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I feel sad and empty. For some reason, I keep getting asked this question lately. I can’t think of anything. I have plans that are solid and based on reality. I am working toward some goals. I have named the steps to achieve my goals and I am ticking them off as I go. But there are no dreams.
When someone loves you, they don’t set out to destroy you. They consider your wellbeing and they consider how their actions affect others. This is what is normal. They don’t terrorize you until you feel like you are worthless. I knew this but I sort of forgot. I forgot because he said the magic words”¦“I am seriously considering you as a potential life partner.” I became a slave to those words and would do anything, endure anything, ignore anything, because of them. It’s like I was on Survivor. I formed an alliance with him! I bought in to his strategy to destroy me and I joined in the plan. Hey, in the end, I even voted myself off the island! I guess you could say, I escaped the Bad Man by leaving while he was at work, kind of like the way he described the day his ex left him with her 5 children in tow. God Bless her.
If it seems that I make light of my encounter with a sociopath, I do not. My story is lit up with red flags, more than I would like to admit. My lessons from the Bad Man cost me some money, some time, many tears, a few friendships, and maybe one thing that needed to go, like a baby tooth needs to go to make room for the emerging adult one. Perhaps my fantasies of love, and being in love, and what that would mean for my life, were a bit girlish. Now, I have a plan for my life beyond loving and devoting my life to someone else. Where was I in all that, anyway?
I have a real snapshot of myself from my time on Maui. It was taken by the Bad Man. When I saved it on my computer, I gave it the file name, “pretending to be happy.” It looks like I am having the time of my life but the truth is, I was sleepless, anxious, afraid, and miserable. I was being emotionally battered, manipulated, terrorized and stalked. I had been called a long list of names your Mother wouldn’t want to hear you say. I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.
Author’s note: The concept for “Snapshots” was introduced to me by my friend, Susan Bradley, RN. Susan is a Relationship Coach, and author of “Irresistible Prescriptions for Love.” For more information, visit her website www.lovinguniversity.com.
Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud
Wow… you digitally removed him… as if he was never there.
This kind of sounds like :Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. HAHA!
And what about Beverly.. she treats her ex like a “plant.”
You all crack me up. I love to find humor in all this because I know it is painful.
Marie, once you have worked through and felt the feelings of anger and injustice of being conned, healing will come, back to a state of indifference, which basically means they have no connection to you anymore. I have done alot of burning of letters and photos. I have kept one photo only. As far as I am concerned he was a scratch on my record, but I am further along the music now and I dont get stuck in the experience of it all.
Looking back, its amazing what we invested in people who just werent worth it. I have learnt alot about not investing my precious energy in people and situations that arent genuine.
Indifference – Is that like having an old-old boyfriend (a non S that we dated earlier in life, not a love, just someone we dated) and hearing something about him and having interest, but a limited reaction, like we are talking about what kind of sod a person used in their front yard for their new beautiful green grass?
I have interest in the S so I can receive the monies I am owed from arrearages in child support. I still have interest in his doings, because he is working towards being a public personality…but claims he has no money. When he has contacted me, and tried to get me to have compassion for him for any circumstance…I don’t. I literally have no compassion. Indifference? I am still not there, because if he ever becomes successful, it will benefit me. When I am paid in full, I think that is the day that I will loose whatever remaining interest exists.
I am still dealing with the damage to my self esteem and I am working towards adjusting my attitudes about myself. One of the ways to do this is to do a daily affirmation when my brain drifts to his insults, “His opinion is not important and doesn’t create my world, I create my world”. I am feeling better everyday. My goal, of course, is to have the outlook I had at 16, with the energy, hope, and self confidence that made me -me…with the wisdom, knowledge and maturity I have now. The two got separated by the S – and I didn’t realize it until it was too late. Being able to make that definition is a part of healing too.
aloha, that man was so “not there” that he shouldn’t have reflected light. I’m surprised he showed up in the mirror! But, O does he love his mirror!
I have a few odd photos now, when he was with an animal that I wanted to keep the image of and in a position I can’t cut him out without a lot of work (he’s not worth it) So I just blurred him. You can tell there was a person there, but that’s all.
NEVERNEVERLAND,
Yes, your therapist is right, you must FEEL the anger, not suppress it. You can’t get rid of anger by suppressing it, it is still there. However, as you heal, the anger will go away, the bitterness will go away, but you have to work at it.
I liken it to a big pile of dog poo in the middle of the living room floor. If you pretend it is not there, (suppress it) and say, lay a piece of carpet over it, it will STILL STINK–it is still there but you can’t see it is all.
However, if you acknowledge it is there, that it stinks and it is a mess, and clean up the dog poo, shampoo the carpet under it, and go on with your life, it is GONE.
It is failure to acknowledge that the anger is there that is a problem.
Unfortunately for me, not only did I suppress the anger, I didn’t even make an attempt to house break the dog and it continually crapped in the floor and I just laid another piece of carpet over it until the pile got so high I couldn’t get into the room! LOL What an awful analogy but I am sorry to say it is a true one!
When I taught others grief resolution I reminded them that the anger you feel at your deceased loved one is NORMAL AND NATURAL and that you should not say to yourself “well, he didn’t mean to die and leave me here with 5 kids and no job” (which is logical and rational) but the anger you FEEL is an emotion, a FEELING, and it doesn’t have to be rational. But you MUST feel it, go through it, you can’t go around, or over, or under it but must go THROUGH it and feel that feeling. That is a natural and normal part of the grief resolution that leads to acceptance.
People who DWELL on the anger and bitterness and don’t get past it, though, are not successful in dealing with it either.
There is an old Cherokee story about a man who said that “inside each of us are two wolves, a bad one and a good one and they are always fighting.” His son asked him “which wolf wins father?” and the father replied, “The one you feed the most.”
I have felt such intense anger at my mother for what she did to me, in enabling my P son, in the disrespect she showed me, and in many things about our relationship, and I have felt such intense anger at my P-son for the things he has done to our family in his greed and hate for us all. My anger was “justified” by everything that they did, but the “wrath” which is closely held, nurtured bitter anger that could have flown from that JUSTIFIABLE ANGER would only have caused pain and ugliness in me.
I acknowledged my anger, and that it was JUST anger, I went through the anger, felt the pain of it, and the fact that I was powerless to undo what they had done, to change the past, but at the same time, I did not “feed that wolf” with thoughts of revenge, bitter thoughts, I stopped myself from going into the “wrath” that is destructive to ME.
The Bible says “be angry and sin not” and it also says “let not the sun go down upon your wrath”—wrath is not the same as “anger”–but a much more intense, hateful emotion along with a desire for vengeance and retribution, that causes you to FOCUS upon those bad feelings, not just be “angry.”
Let’s say you stole something from me, and I am “justifiably angry” at you—but then because I am angry, all I can focus on is the fact that you stole something precious to me, and I want to come burn your house down, and I hate you, and I plot and scheme and think on how I would like to cut you into pieces and hack you to death. That is WRATH, not anger.
The anger is NOT caustic, it is what it can lead to (the intense wrath) that is caustic and hurtful to the older of the emotions. As long as I don’t actually cut you up, my wrath has not hurt you, it has only hurt me by turning the entire focus of my life into hateful nasty bitter thoughts. Does that make sense?
If because you stole something from me I turned you in to the police and they arrested you that is JUSTICE. (Not revenge) If I go burn down your house because you stole something from me that is REVENGE. (I was angry/wrathful at you, and I “sinned” because I used that anger/wrath as an excuse to do something bad myself, even more bad than what you did in the first place.
The Ps seem to me to have more WRATH than just ordinary “anger” and they harbor it seemingly forever, and as it seethes in their minds, it becomes bigger and bigger…that is what I DON’T want to do to my own soul. Though I think most people would say I had “plenty of justification” for the things that have been visited upon me by my P-son and others, but that would only make me like them, and that is not what I want out of life.
I hope I have explained it where you can understand what I am talking about, if not, Aloha can “interpret” LOL
Neverneverland:
I did the same thing. I pretty much wiped out my savings giving this man money for his mortgage, his water bill, his electric bills, medicine, house repairs, and a car.
I have been asked by my children why I am working a second job and I too have made up excuses. It will be very difficult telling them what a fool their mother has been.
I have a lot of credit card debt and also have car payments on a car that I will have trouble selling for what I paid for it.
All their reasons for the money seemed plausible at the time. I felt so sorry for him having to pay child support for a child that wasn’t even his. Now I wonder if that is even the reason that his wages are garnished.
Hummingbird and neverneverland, and all,
The SHAME WE FEEL for having been conned is, I think, part of their “ammunition” to keep us quiet–
WHY should WE feel “shame” (that there is a defect in US) when it is them that has the defect of using and abusing and conning others? We may have been conned, but we didn’t do the CONNING. We didn’t commit the immoral/illegal act, THEY did? Yet, we assume the shame/blame for being lied to and believing the lie.
My enabling mother believed (i guess) the same lies that I believed for a while, yet SHE doesn’t feel ASHAMED for being conned, in fact, she thinks it excuses all her hateful acts toward ME, because she was conned and believed their lies and treated me poorly, so it is not HER “fault” but theirs.
Of course they believe that it is all MY fault for them going to jail because if I hadn’t persecuted them it wouldn’t have been “necessary” for them to steal and attempt to murder my son C–so, yes, as my DIL wrote to her daughter after her arrest “Remember, never forget, that OX is a nasty piece of work.” SHE WAS IN JAIL for felony charges and I AM A NASTY PIECE OF WORK? She stole from my mother, tried to kill my son, but it was okay because (as she said) “I did some things wrong, but I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE.”
My x-DIL FELT NO SHAME– yet she is the one who did the crimes. WHY should I be ashamed and lie to my family and friends to cover up my SHAME? I refuse to do it. Sure, I felt it too, but NO MORE–STOP!!!!!! I will not DO IT!
I have nothing to be ashamed of. I did not lie, I did not steal, I did not try to kill anyone. I did not cheat on my husband. Sure, I tried to do the impossible, protect my mother from herself and the Ps. Keep them from stealing from her. I went half way crazy thinking I could protect her from their influence when she didn’t want to be protected from THEM, she wanted to be protected from my influence, my interfeirence and my “control’–I became an ENABLER, just like her. I tried to do something that she was responsible for, taking care of herself. But feeling strongly that she was being drugged (and I still think that) I felt RESPONSIBLE for her predicament.
Shame is a feeling of being defective, and wanting to hide that defect from others. WE compare what we ARE vs. what we SHOULD BE. and the message is “I should have XYZ, and I didn’t so, therefore I must be defective.” That “tape” in our heads is WRONG, and by recognizing that WE should not be ashamed of ourselves I think we can stop that feeling.
It takes WORK on our part to say to ourselves, “I am a caring and kind person, and I loaned/gave John money because I (felt sorry for____ or fill in the blank reason here) him. HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME, and my kindness to get money from me. I made a mistake, but HE IS DEFECTIVE to turn a kindness into a con job. I AM NOT DEFECTIVE, HE IS.”
I felt ashamed that MY SON not a “success” and yet I didn’t blame myself for his actions, nevertheless, I felt SHAME that my son was a criminal and in prison. HE is the one who should feel shame, not me. Of course he has NO shame, but he is the DEFECTIVE one, not me. I wasn’t a perfect parent, no one is, but everyone who knew me thought that I did the best job that I could do, I cared, and I INVESTED MYSELF and my energies into giving my kids a good home and a moral education. He didn’t follow my modeling to become a thief, or a murderer, he didn’t follow my modeling to abuse his friends and my friends, and his family. He didn’t follow my model to brag about how heinous his crime was, worse than the police even knew.
I modeled responsible behavior, truthfulness, respect for others’ feelings, hard work, education , family values, and love for my kids…inperfectly, allbeit, but as well as I could. Sometimes I am sure I was too harsh on them, and other times too lenient, but they were never abused, or allowed to run wild, or blame someone or something else for their bad behavior.
Knowing all these fact, I still felt shame, even though not blame, but the SAME was a FEELING, and I had to work hard to over come this feeling, and I think in the most part I have. I no longer give evasive answers to people who ask where my kids live (if they know about Patrick, I don’t volunteer information) but I no longer lie and say “He lives in Texas and works for the State of TExas” which is technically correct, he is incarcerated in Texas and they make the inmates work, so technically he WORKS for the state of Texas. LOL
If someone asks about Patrick I tell them, he’s incarcerated for life,, he took the wrong path and chose to be a criminal. It broke our hearts, but we have lived through the grief and go on with our lives.
I know there are people who will “automatically” believe I must have been a bad parent if my kid ended up in prison, but it doesn’t matter any more what people think. I am not ashamed for me. Sad that my son took that course, but I did all I could to prevent it. I’m not “proud” like I wish I could have been at “my son the doctor” (or whatever his chosen professon was) I AM proud of the GOOD man who is his brother, and I AM PROUD of my adoptive son, and I AM proud of a lot of things, but I will not be ashamed any more.
hummingbird1418 —
I don’t know what state you live in, but wages are garnished for child support because it is proven conclusively that person is the father of the child. If there is any doubt as to paternity, the court typically will not order it without conclusive proof. Your guy’s been through DNA testing. He is the father. The law doesn’t “slip up” against innocents like that. Sorry to be the one to break it to you. 🙁 I had to tell my mother last night where all the money went. I cried and cried and apologized for being a stupid daughter to her. I want her to know that whatever she and my dad left in trust for me, including our land and commercial farm, will be kept safe from predators like my ex. But how can I do that when I have made such a bad decision?
Oxdrover —
Part of me DOES feel shame! I think it’s because had you asked me before, “How is it possible to con a person out of this much time, money and energy?” I would have told you, “Well, you’d have to have a pretty stupid woman!” Your garden variety society doesn’t understand how subversive these men are, how they winnow their way in and make it impossible to say “no” to them. Also, he is well known. His “fans” would never believe that someone capable of writing all of those beautiful love songs could possibly do anything wrong — to them, he can do no wrong just because he’s famous, and that’s that! If I told anyone or came forward, I would be the one who was blasted apart, even though there’s piles of evidence (e.g., other women and their stories) to corroborate. To them, we’d just be a bunch of bitter hags. That’s why I’ve remained quiet thus far. Plus, I think that once it’s revealed that he’s bilking the U.S. government, people will see what a huge sham he is. It’s going to take a while, but they’ll get him in the end. I intend to give them as much information as I can for them to make sure that he’s accountable for each penny he earned.
Neverneverland: I live in Maryland and was told that if a man acts in the capacity of a father when the family is living together that he can be made to pay child support.
I still feel hurt and angry (at him and at myself). Will this end and what will come next? I don’t think forgiveness since he wouldn’t ask for it because he won’t see what he did as wrong. I am sure that there were many others before me who have been equally duped.
Oxdrover: I dread telling my children what has happened to my savings. This was money that should have gone to them eventually. Now all I have are empty promises and credit card debt.
I liked what you wrote about not feeling shame. These S (conmen) should be the ones to feel shame. Of course, since they are without a conscience that will not happen.
Yikes:
QUOTE FROM ALOHA TRAVELLER: “asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks!”
Ditto – my ex did the same thing.
Oh red flags, how brightly you do shine in rear view mirrors…… xxx