Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Snapshots
By AlohaTraveler
In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath.
Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to the tortilla chips. It was romantic, it was silly, and I felt so in love. Never before had I done a thing like that! It was just a kiss but it was so ideal, so out of the movies. I recall during our first kiss, he embraced me as if he were Fabio on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel. Who wouldn’t swoon for that?
Here’s another snapshot. This time, I am at Home Depot. Why all the retail?! On the radio, Dan Fogelberg’s Longer Than is playing and I start to weep tears of joy. Suddenly, I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of this song about lovers. I know, it’s c-o-r-n-y! This happened during a time that I have referred to as “the happiest two weeks of my life,” or like I said before, “Relationship Crack.”
Another snapshot I have in my mind is spending an hour choosing just the right birthday card for my budding new romance (and more weeping over drippy love songs being piped in over the sound system). God, I was a sap! I ended up with two cards. I saw this as “the first card I would ever give the love of my life” and it had to be perfect. So what’s more perfect than two?
Yet another. This time I am sitting next to my Captain as he skillfully pilots the craft and gives an enlightening spiel about the marine life over his microphone. The guests were rapt with attention as was I, goo-goo eyes and all. I always had a thing for islands, the water, the whales, which were out in full force that day, and of course, the Captain of the ship. Isn’t it perfect?!
I remember looking at the Bad Man with his tanned skin and his Indiana Jones hat. He looked exactly like Harrison Ford back when Harrison Ford still looked good. It was all too perfect. I was living in Hawaii, I had a hunk of a man for my new boyfriend and of course, he had already told me what a “quality woman” I was, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks! Considering that my move to Hawaii was my idea of an “alternate” life plan since, at 35 years old, my marital dreams had not come true, you can imagine how ecstatic I was to have such a lucky break in love. I had only been on the island 10 days when I met the “man of my dreams.” It appeared to me that my dreams were coming true after all. I looked at him and thought to myself, “We are going to be one of those couples that everyone wants to be like!” and I was on top of the world. I thought I had beat the system by letting go of the quest-for-love and reaching for my dreams on my own… and BINGO! My prayers were answered.
Sadly, the signs of danger were already present but my ideal moments, my perfect “snapshots” were clouding my ability, or perhaps, my willingness, to see them. The Bad Man had already mentioned that he had been called a “cult leader” in the newspapers back in Seattle during his days as a Pastor for Assemblies of God. He had been “sort-of excommunicated” because he was an “out of the box thinker” and he had “thrown off the templates” of the traditional hard line thinking of his former Church. He was a “rebel” and a “hero.” He had a “permanent restraining order” against him and all women’s health clinics in the Seattle area. He was “honest” about the “B.S. restraining order” his ex-wife had against him. He told me mournfully that his ex “stole the children” (escaped under extreme duress, I am sure) and that the court would issue a restraining order to any woman that said she was afraid. “The court wouldn’t even question it” he told me, with indignation in his voice. He called her a “gossip” and talked at length about how couples should be able to work out their problems in private or go “up the food chain” for advice and not down. Now in my defense, this was confusing. That seemed like good advice coming from a former Minister. Perhaps his ex was a gossip. I mean I was keeping all our problems private, just like he told me to. Why couldn’t she? I know as I write this that it all sounds ridiculous but alas, the kiss… the kiss! Now, I say, “Alas… the red flags, the RED FLAGS!!!”
Never before had I been so taken in by someone, so consumed by a man. I thought this was the big love that I had been waiting for. I thought it was finally my time. These were the things I was telling myself in those brief moments of heightened romance. As I write this, I realize that my snapshots were just my thoughts. In fact, in some of the snapshots I describe, the Bad Man isn’t even present… just me and my thoughts of LOVE. I was in denial of what was really happening and I let a few highly romantic moments, snapshots, overpower the truth. My own thoughts about what this relationship was going to mean for my formerly-empty-before-him-life were seductive enough for me to all but ignore the truth before me.
In my mind, I have burned up these snapshots. I recognize them for what they are now. They are my own fantasies, and my own dreams that I pinned on someone else. Why are all my dreams riding on someone else? Now when I am asked, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I feel sad and empty. For some reason, I keep getting asked this question lately. I can’t think of anything. I have plans that are solid and based on reality. I am working toward some goals. I have named the steps to achieve my goals and I am ticking them off as I go. But there are no dreams.
When someone loves you, they don’t set out to destroy you. They consider your wellbeing and they consider how their actions affect others. This is what is normal. They don’t terrorize you until you feel like you are worthless. I knew this but I sort of forgot. I forgot because he said the magic words”¦“I am seriously considering you as a potential life partner.” I became a slave to those words and would do anything, endure anything, ignore anything, because of them. It’s like I was on Survivor. I formed an alliance with him! I bought in to his strategy to destroy me and I joined in the plan. Hey, in the end, I even voted myself off the island! I guess you could say, I escaped the Bad Man by leaving while he was at work, kind of like the way he described the day his ex left him with her 5 children in tow. God Bless her.
If it seems that I make light of my encounter with a sociopath, I do not. My story is lit up with red flags, more than I would like to admit. My lessons from the Bad Man cost me some money, some time, many tears, a few friendships, and maybe one thing that needed to go, like a baby tooth needs to go to make room for the emerging adult one. Perhaps my fantasies of love, and being in love, and what that would mean for my life, were a bit girlish. Now, I have a plan for my life beyond loving and devoting my life to someone else. Where was I in all that, anyway?
I have a real snapshot of myself from my time on Maui. It was taken by the Bad Man. When I saved it on my computer, I gave it the file name, “pretending to be happy.” It looks like I am having the time of my life but the truth is, I was sleepless, anxious, afraid, and miserable. I was being emotionally battered, manipulated, terrorized and stalked. I had been called a long list of names your Mother wouldn’t want to hear you say. I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.
Author’s note: The concept for “Snapshots” was introduced to me by my friend, Susan Bradley, RN. Susan is a Relationship Coach, and author of “Irresistible Prescriptions for Love.” For more information, visit her website www.lovinguniversity.com.
Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud
Jules, my ex N has the perfect picture of the woman he likes and when I saw the ex before me, I said to him ‘she looks just like me’. He is able to get really nice looking women, is he because he is the alpha male alot of women are looking for – I was certainly drawn to that type of masculinity. But after a while, his ‘conquest’ begins to see that he is suspect and so that is why he wasnt completely honest about who he had been with and why it ended. He only told me the bits he wanted me to know.
I am convinced that the time he asked to go shopping with me (he hated crowds!) and then went off for nearly two hours on his own, had arranged to meet a girl and when we met later, this girl who appeared to be his ‘perfect woman’ who was sitting near him, or if he didnt know her he was sure trying to, because he sent me away for 10 minutes and when I got back he had disappeared – I gather to find the woman who left moments after I met up with him. That was the end for me, I thought ‘if I put up with that – whatever he is doing or thinking’ I will put up with anything and I will be lost, I will be telling him by staying with him, that I will turn a blind eye to his philandering – and I couldnt put up with that.
He was not worth all the anxiety and worry and care that I was putting into someone who was totally ambivalent about me, was using me and insulting me to my face – thinking I he could get away with it. I had already been through two of his ‘tests’ one was that he had left initimate text msgs on a phone of mine he asked to borrow and I didnt look in the phone when he gave it back. So his next prank was to give me one of his old phones which had womens phone numbers on it and I still stayed with him, knowing that he was up to something, and playing cat and mouse with him. But he knew where he was going, I was not familiar with the rules of his game – but I am very familiar now.
I am still full of thoughts about him, which is the bit I never expected when I terminated the relationship for good, I let him convince me we had a future together and I went along with the fantasy even though he was avoiding committment like the plague, he wouldnt be intimate with me and used his mobile phone to communicate with me much of the time. so that when he came round, I felt more special. He cancelled arrangements, teased me sexually to get me to go to meet him and then I would realise that he only wanted a lift home. He even sat across the road in ‘his’ bar, knowing that I was in the bar across the road – he finished his drink and I saw him passing my bar on his way home. Boy we had a breakup over that. I had to finish it, but I didnt realise that thoughts of him on a daily basis would still continue – dammed if you stay in the relationship and very painful when you get out!
Jules,
That is interesting what you said about their “ideal image.” Yes, I relate to this. On Craigslist, I can easily find any woman he would contact. For awhile, over a year ago, I was contacting women on CL and found that I had nearly 100% accuracy on whom he had contacted. By that time, his ads were getting kind of freaky so most of the woman had already felt bad vibes from him. Some had gone on a date but had already experiences the wrath if they did something “wrong” according to him. He digs and asks them for lots ot information about their life and then will attack them later for who they were being say… 20 years ago. It’s ridiculous. If you’re a virgin that there is something wrong with you and if you’re not then you are slut and blah blah blah.
I would say my Bad Man has a certain profile of a woman he is looking for… some kind of new age spiritual lady or something. Actually, what am I saying.. he changes it all the time. He recently wanted to find a transexual so scratch the whole thing for me. He wants anyone who will go along with him for a moment in time. The weird thing is he is not a player with a roving eye. He freaks out on all his potential mates and then when they get upset for how he is attacking them, he calls it “DRAMA” and walks away. His ads frequently say he wants someone with “no drama.” I think the women are so traumatized by his sudden attacks from what seems like a really nice guy that they fight back and then he calls them stalkers of whatever. He really should be locked up.
That is a trigger for me these days. Any guys who says he wants “no drama” to me means that for some reason, there is a lot of drama around him and therefore… he is a NUT JOB and forget it!
Aloha… :o)
Aloha – I love your writing, I always enjoy reading your comments as well. I’m still hooked on my snapshots :(. Feeling rather weak these days.
I had to comment on the “type.” That’s amazing, I didn’t realize that was something else they have in common! I am not my S path’s type, as he has told me over and over again. I’m blonde, petite, close to his age and fairly attractive. His “type” is much older, dark hair, a little heavy. I’ve managed to see pictures (thanks to the internet) of three of them, and they all look alike. I assumed it was just because they were easy prey, but it sounds like it’s something burned into their brain. I may not look anything like them, but he was able to spot the gaping hole inside to know I was fair game! Psychic, I swear.
Sorry, I have to post these song lyrics, too. It’s Kelly Clarkson’s “Gone.” It’s an anthem for us! If only I could stick to it :).
What you see’s not what you get
With you there’s just no measurement
No way to tell what’s real from what isn’t there
Your eyes they sparkle
That’s all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don’t care
You know you did it
I’m gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I’ve finally moved on
I’m already gone
Sometimes shattered
Never open
Nothing matters
When you’re broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending
Always over
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
I am breaking
That habit
Today
You know you did it
I’m gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I’ve finally moved on
I’m already gone
There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn’t cut it, babe
Take the hit and walk away
‘Cause I’m gone
Doesn’t matter what you do
It’s what you did that’s hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I’m gone
What you see’s not what you get
What you see’s not what you get
You know you did it
I’m gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I’ve finally moved on
I’m already gone
I’m already gone
Oh, I’m already gone, gone, gone, gone
Already gone
I’m gone
Dorkgirl,
Another reader shared some songs with me on YouTube. I think this was one of them. Isn’t it amazing? Doesn’t it sound like a song about a Sociopath. I am starting to see all those bad relationships that we hear of in a different way. I have noticed that my ears and eyes have changed.
Yesterday, I told my housemate, “I will either never have a relationship again OR I will have the healthiest relationship ever.” I hope it’s the 2nd one.
And thanks so much for the compliment. I find the writing so therapeutic. I don’t want my experience to go to waste and I hope my words will help someone, anyone, to heal quicker or to help them “turn the corner” as LoveFraud has done for me.
I have learned too that wanting to help is a normal part of the healing process and it explains why many of us have wanted to reach out and warn the next victim or help the ex-wife. Yes, PP, I am talking about you. :o)
I am actually helping someone at the moment who almost got involved with the Bad Man. Perhaps I will write about that.
“I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.”
Truth is painful, and so sometimes arrives in small doses a little at a time, I’m learning. But that paragraph quoted above, wow…YES! It’s a truth I’ve come to embrace and understand…that weird sense of him constantly moving the goal posts from one place to another – friends, then dating, then marriage, then…um, wait, I want you in my life forever…then the D&D…me bolting…me foolishly returning and a SNAPSHOT of happiness…then him ripping the rug out from under me, sneering as he repeatedly told me he never loved me.
Ouch. Big flipping game, rules we could never fathom, a role we never understood because we were never given context for it. We were just there to be moved around like human chess pieces and that sense of never being good enough was pervasive.
It still is. At this point a few months into No Contact, I realize I am a shell-shocked, former shadow of my beautiful, trusting, loving, supremely confident self who probably still has PTSD.
I stayed with another man this weekend…not a Bad Man, I don’t think, and he placed my car in the safe confines of his locked garage area. Most of the night I paced, worrying because my car was not readily available in case I needed to run…in case he woke up and went from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. There are so many things I can never tell any man in my future, and so much of my panic and odd feelings they may question.
The aftermath of trauma and abuse is never pretty, is it? But somehow we were smart enough to realize we really are good enough and that someday we’ll meet someone who agrees, who won’t change the goal posts, who won’t enjoy abusing us.
In the meantime, good days and bad. Your post really hit home on a bad day and made it a little bit better, Aloha.
LilOrphan,
Moving the goal posts. WOW! Yes, I totally get that!!! That is so perfect. And it was so tiring wasn’t it?
When I came home, it was 9 months before I was able to be intimate with anyone. I chose someone I already knew and then I really cried. And since then, there has been very little “action” as my girlfriends like to call it. NO ACTION FOR ME. I cried because I heard the Bad Man in my head telling me I was a slut and “sleezy cheesy pop culture girl.” He was so under my skin.
Anyway, I left the Bad Man on July 3rd, 2005. I am just now feeling like perhaps I should date. At this point, I want to date at a snail’s pace. I DO NOT want to be swept off my feet.
Maybe it’s too soon for you to be dating. If you are pacing and afraid because your car is in the garage… that sounds like a little PTSD. I am not a therapist but you sound very very vulnerable. I can really relate to that, very much.
It has taken me a long time to figure out what to say to a date about what happened. Recently, I decided that I really don’t want to say much about it. This goes back to boundaries again for me. I don’t need to reveal my inner most hurts and pains to some poor guy that just wants to meet for coffee. If I meet a man that shows himself to be worthy of developing true intimacy, then perhaps, I will share some things about my experience.
In the meantime, I have decided to take better care of myself. I got a massage today because my body is holding a lot of pain. There is still a lot in my life to sort out and I still have a long way to go as far as financial recovery. I realized that I have to start taking care of myself now instead of waiting until I pay everything off. I might even get another massage this week. I feel like I am going to cry when I get a massage. I feel safe with a Massage Therapist (I am one myself) because I know that nothing is being taken from me… only something given. I had a male therapist today too and I felt a slight hesitation inside but I decided to just let my hesitation be present and go for it anyway. It worked out fine and I feel better.
I gave the Bad Man access to the deepest part of my being. That has left me very exposed and raw. I am slowly healing that wound and today was a small step toward trusting a man again.
lil orphan; yep so ,many songs are around like that one like they were written about s paths its good to hear them but hard too. my s path said when we broke up that he didnt love me anymore and that i loved him more than he loved me. and thats why he was leaving. then later he said he did still love me and he just said that cause he was backed into a corner and didnt know what else to say. so confusing i was devestated to hear him say he didnt love me cause he always said he did and he told me a lot of the time. those words cut like a knife and then when they say i didnt mean it they think it takes all the pain away but it doesnt. no wonder i thought i was losing my mind.he often said things then turn around and say i didnt mean that or i odnt know why i said that. it actually took me a fair while before i realised i was with a sociopath a while after the relationship had ended and i was finding it hard to get over what i thought was a normal break up but i couldnt figure out why i was hurting so much. then i started reading i went onto a site called dont date him girl and that is where i learned about a s path and i thought my god i was with one deeply involved with one. then i read a book written by on of the doctors on this site and it opened my eyes i was reading about him exactly. re your car in the garage, i dont think we are ever going to feel the same with a new man, it just wont be like that with that trust gone, we just arent the same woman anymore and we just need to know and accept that at least thats what im trying to do .i really want to be in relationship its 2 years since s path, but we still slept with eachother for ayear after , anyway its hard cause i really want to be with someone but i dont think i will ever feel the same about a man since s path experience its weird and i dont like feeling like this but no one is attracting me the way he did. i think it was cause everything is so exageratted with s paths like the attention and loving and all the rest no man is going to be that good cause its all a act so it seems anyway.
I just bought ‘Art of Seduction’ book – whew – what an eye opener. There is a formula for what they do. My N may never have bought this book, but he might have well written it – it is us all over. The intenseness, the intrigue, the push and pull, the attraction. But make no mistake, it is concocted and unreal, it is a ploy and it part of the hypnotism they use to suck you in till you have lost sense of reality and that is when you are loosing sense of self, then they can exploit and confuse you at their whim. The book says that infiltrate their emotional minds first and the rest then becomes easier. And as women are so in their emotional minds, this is somewhat easier to do.
They do a thorough and deep job into our psyche, it is not easy to pull out by the roots. But i too feel this magnetism for someone I went out with only just over a year. This is the stuff of mind control, seduction, exploitation by design. As one contributor said ‘Seek, Conquer, Destroy and Discard’.
To Jules you said:
“l orphan; yep so ,many songs are around like that one like they were written about s paths its good to hear them but hard too. my s path said when we broke up that he didnt love me anymore and that i loved him more than he loved me. and thats why he was leaving. then later he said he did still love me and he just said that cause he was backed into a corner and didnt know what else to say. so confusing i was devestated to hear him say he didnt love me cause he always said he did and he told me a lot of the time. those words cut like a knife and then when they say i didnt mean it they think it takes all the pain away but it doesnt. no wonder i thought i was losing my mind.he often said things then turn around and say i didnt mean that or i odnt know why i said that. it actually took me a fair while before i realised i was with a sociopath a while after the relationship had ended and i was finding it hard to get over what i thought was a normal break up but i couldnt figure out why i was hurting so much. then i started reading i went onto a site called dont date him girl and that is where i learned about a s path and i thought my god i was with one deeply involved with one. then i read a book written by on of the doctors on this site and it opened my eyes i was reading about him exactly. re your car in the garage, i dont think we are ever going to feel the same with a new man, it just wont be like that with that trust gone, we just arent the same woman anymore and we just need to know and accept that at least thats what im trying to do .i really want to be in relationship its 2 years since s path, but we still slept with eachother for ayear after , anyway its hard cause i really want to be with someone but i dont think i will ever feel the same about a man since s path experience its weird and i dont like feeling like this but no one is attracting me the way he did. i think it was cause everything is so exageratted with s paths like the attention and loving and all the rest no man is going to be that good cause its all a act so it seems anyway.”
Think that’s why I was crying most of last night, at work. Good thing I work alone. Letting the S’path get to the point where he violated everything beautiful about a relationship – the moment a guy says he loves you, the talk of getting married — all sullied, now – all questionable. I may never believe another man if the day comes for that new person to say those things to me.
Thought I’d escaped this time pretty much unscathed. Had figured him out, understood why all the saying one thing and then him saying “I didn’t mean that/never said that/huh?” crap existed. In many ways, I did get the better of the P this time. I knew when to run and I never really let my heart get too far into things. But the damage of just being present for his lies, even marginally present, is definitely there.
I realized last night that I am different now, and there’s no going back in some ways to the woman I used to be — who spent five years alone getting rid of the toxic memories in order to be ready when the right, sincere guy came along.
We’ll learn to accept this as part of it, right? I think. I hope. A true, loving relationship with a solid, truthful guy will feel so different than the illusion created by a P/S guy that we’ll probably find it much easier to feel their real affection and believe when they say they love us — especially when it’s not followed by creepy, cryptic disclaimers, cell phones ringing well into the night, lies, secrecy and outright abuse.
I’m holding on to that hope. Mostly because I don’t want to shed one more damned tear over any of this, and because I believe the Universe has so many better plans for me — there’s no way it would let the P ruin those.
Just finding this blog and other resourceful forums on the ‘Net was the first sign that somewhere, something much bigger than we can fathom, wanted help us save ourselves.
Aloha:
“Moving the goal posts. WOW! Yes, I totally get that!!! That is so perfect. And it was so tiring wasn’t it?
That was my first clue. I was utterly, completely exhausted, didn’t care about anything, was physically ill, losing hair, turning into a zombie — and my kid told me, unequivocally, that the only change in our lives was the addition of this guy she saw as being a controlling guy seething with hidden rage.
As to intimacy, I spent five years between the last encounter with the P (who I didn’t realize even then was anything but QUIRKY — have a great range for tolerance, apparently) and this time.
Was not prepared to do that again. Felt so much like wasted years because it WAS. I wouldn’t even date anyone for all those years, on purpose, pining for the Wolf. Ugh.
So this time, I chose someone I barely know but really liked as a person…who seems also to be pretty tolerant. With the Wolf I had a female “problem” that some guys would love a girl having, but the Wolf made me feel horrible about it…so I was afraid of feeling so stigmatized over time because of that I just wanted to hurry up and see if another guy would react ok to it. Thankfully, he was quite happy and made me comfortable!!
Emotionally, though, you are 100 percent right. I am not ready. It would take someone with the patience of Job to win my deepest affection and trust. So I am just completely open to going as slow as possible, dating a little, a lot or not at all, and not attaching myself to outcomes. Because I refuse to let the Wolf win and close myself off to really living and eventually loving someone again.
So yes, if you are ready, Aloha, try to slowly get back into dating. The key really is slowly (even with me, emotionally if not physically). We have no guaranteed time table in life and the Bad Man should not be able to rob you of any possible joy or experience, not one second more than the time he took from you before you knew better. It’d be like voting yourself off your own island, perhaps forever!!
Thanks again for the beautiful blog entry, both heartwarming and humorous. All of this reading really helps.