Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Snapshots
By AlohaTraveler
In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath.
Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to the tortilla chips. It was romantic, it was silly, and I felt so in love. Never before had I done a thing like that! It was just a kiss but it was so ideal, so out of the movies. I recall during our first kiss, he embraced me as if he were Fabio on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel. Who wouldn’t swoon for that?
Here’s another snapshot. This time, I am at Home Depot. Why all the retail?! On the radio, Dan Fogelberg’s Longer Than is playing and I start to weep tears of joy. Suddenly, I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of this song about lovers. I know, it’s c-o-r-n-y! This happened during a time that I have referred to as “the happiest two weeks of my life,” or like I said before, “Relationship Crack.”
Another snapshot I have in my mind is spending an hour choosing just the right birthday card for my budding new romance (and more weeping over drippy love songs being piped in over the sound system). God, I was a sap! I ended up with two cards. I saw this as “the first card I would ever give the love of my life” and it had to be perfect. So what’s more perfect than two?
Yet another. This time I am sitting next to my Captain as he skillfully pilots the craft and gives an enlightening spiel about the marine life over his microphone. The guests were rapt with attention as was I, goo-goo eyes and all. I always had a thing for islands, the water, the whales, which were out in full force that day, and of course, the Captain of the ship. Isn’t it perfect?!
I remember looking at the Bad Man with his tanned skin and his Indiana Jones hat. He looked exactly like Harrison Ford back when Harrison Ford still looked good. It was all too perfect. I was living in Hawaii, I had a hunk of a man for my new boyfriend and of course, he had already told me what a “quality woman” I was, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks! Considering that my move to Hawaii was my idea of an “alternate” life plan since, at 35 years old, my marital dreams had not come true, you can imagine how ecstatic I was to have such a lucky break in love. I had only been on the island 10 days when I met the “man of my dreams.” It appeared to me that my dreams were coming true after all. I looked at him and thought to myself, “We are going to be one of those couples that everyone wants to be like!” and I was on top of the world. I thought I had beat the system by letting go of the quest-for-love and reaching for my dreams on my own… and BINGO! My prayers were answered.
Sadly, the signs of danger were already present but my ideal moments, my perfect “snapshots” were clouding my ability, or perhaps, my willingness, to see them. The Bad Man had already mentioned that he had been called a “cult leader” in the newspapers back in Seattle during his days as a Pastor for Assemblies of God. He had been “sort-of excommunicated” because he was an “out of the box thinker” and he had “thrown off the templates” of the traditional hard line thinking of his former Church. He was a “rebel” and a “hero.” He had a “permanent restraining order” against him and all women’s health clinics in the Seattle area. He was “honest” about the “B.S. restraining order” his ex-wife had against him. He told me mournfully that his ex “stole the children” (escaped under extreme duress, I am sure) and that the court would issue a restraining order to any woman that said she was afraid. “The court wouldn’t even question it” he told me, with indignation in his voice. He called her a “gossip” and talked at length about how couples should be able to work out their problems in private or go “up the food chain” for advice and not down. Now in my defense, this was confusing. That seemed like good advice coming from a former Minister. Perhaps his ex was a gossip. I mean I was keeping all our problems private, just like he told me to. Why couldn’t she? I know as I write this that it all sounds ridiculous but alas, the kiss… the kiss! Now, I say, “Alas… the red flags, the RED FLAGS!!!”
Never before had I been so taken in by someone, so consumed by a man. I thought this was the big love that I had been waiting for. I thought it was finally my time. These were the things I was telling myself in those brief moments of heightened romance. As I write this, I realize that my snapshots were just my thoughts. In fact, in some of the snapshots I describe, the Bad Man isn’t even present… just me and my thoughts of LOVE. I was in denial of what was really happening and I let a few highly romantic moments, snapshots, overpower the truth. My own thoughts about what this relationship was going to mean for my formerly-empty-before-him-life were seductive enough for me to all but ignore the truth before me.
In my mind, I have burned up these snapshots. I recognize them for what they are now. They are my own fantasies, and my own dreams that I pinned on someone else. Why are all my dreams riding on someone else? Now when I am asked, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I feel sad and empty. For some reason, I keep getting asked this question lately. I can’t think of anything. I have plans that are solid and based on reality. I am working toward some goals. I have named the steps to achieve my goals and I am ticking them off as I go. But there are no dreams.
When someone loves you, they don’t set out to destroy you. They consider your wellbeing and they consider how their actions affect others. This is what is normal. They don’t terrorize you until you feel like you are worthless. I knew this but I sort of forgot. I forgot because he said the magic words”¦“I am seriously considering you as a potential life partner.” I became a slave to those words and would do anything, endure anything, ignore anything, because of them. It’s like I was on Survivor. I formed an alliance with him! I bought in to his strategy to destroy me and I joined in the plan. Hey, in the end, I even voted myself off the island! I guess you could say, I escaped the Bad Man by leaving while he was at work, kind of like the way he described the day his ex left him with her 5 children in tow. God Bless her.
If it seems that I make light of my encounter with a sociopath, I do not. My story is lit up with red flags, more than I would like to admit. My lessons from the Bad Man cost me some money, some time, many tears, a few friendships, and maybe one thing that needed to go, like a baby tooth needs to go to make room for the emerging adult one. Perhaps my fantasies of love, and being in love, and what that would mean for my life, were a bit girlish. Now, I have a plan for my life beyond loving and devoting my life to someone else. Where was I in all that, anyway?
I have a real snapshot of myself from my time on Maui. It was taken by the Bad Man. When I saved it on my computer, I gave it the file name, “pretending to be happy.” It looks like I am having the time of my life but the truth is, I was sleepless, anxious, afraid, and miserable. I was being emotionally battered, manipulated, terrorized and stalked. I had been called a long list of names your Mother wouldn’t want to hear you say. I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.
Author’s note: The concept for “Snapshots” was introduced to me by my friend, Susan Bradley, RN. Susan is a Relationship Coach, and author of “Irresistible Prescriptions for Love.” For more information, visit her website www.lovinguniversity.com.
Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud
Snapshots? Yes, I have them. And it is the toughest thing to deal with. Talk about sappy….I can’t hear the song I Wanna Know What Love Is without crying because it brings to mind a phone call I received at 11:30 p.m. with the song playing on the phone, him singing along in the background, and when the song ended, a simple, “Did you hear that?” I said, “Yes, I heard that.” He said, “Good, now good night.” He did this a couple other times with songs, but this memory is the most poignant.
I remember so many things, and it makes me miss the man he pretended to be for so long. I DO NOT miss who he turned out to be, but I have to admit that I miss that other person.
I’ve gotten past wondering what was real and was a lie. I read someone’s words on this website that helped me a lot — realize that everything was a lie to prevent torturing yourself. And that’s how I’ve approached everything. But it makes it that more painful because there are NO good, happy memories to look back on. At least with my ex-husband, I can look back and smile at some things and I was only with him for 18 months. I was with the sociopath for 5 years and cannot trust any memory as being “real.” It makes me very sad.
lilorphan; thanks for your reply. i totally relate i know i will never feel the same again too. and now tonight especially i dont want to waste anything on him anymore no energy. no emotions nothing. someone said something to me today which i took to mean something to myself she said, she only lets love penetrate her mind only positive no negetive only positive love. i thought that was a good way to think. anyway i am feeling down tonight cause as i suspected the ex s path has a new vicitm. they have been seeing each other for a week and a half and yep that includes valentines day. she is younger than him by a bit and they met through an old FRIEND of his. thats what amazes me its like he networks to meet find woman . he said he got in touch with this old friend he would not elaborate who and she invited him to her birthday and this new girl was at the birthday. so its like when hes got no one he goes into his phone book and looks up all these old friends and tries networking. i think he does this cause most of the current people have woken or are started to wake up to his ways.and these old friends are always girls so he knows they are going to introduce him to more girls. i dont know anyone who can meet people so fast and then start dating them i now think he really cant be without some sort of female attention. it makes me mad that he just meets them so easy then they fall for him. i know he wil be laying it on so thick for her right now to get her to really like him and valentines day well you can imagine. its not fair i really would like to meet someone and i m having trouble doing this and what do you know he beat me to it again and just sounds so smug about the whole thing of course talking to me. but i was good i just didnt re act much and didnt ask much. do all spaths network and look up old friends to try to meet woman this way, this seems like a pattern to me. anyway thats annoying and its got me angry. he wil probably use some of the things he learnt from being with me and even take her to places i introduced him to, im sure he does that which is a bit sick really. but i dont want to waste any time on him anymore and just want to get back a little of who i used to be i am going to go out on dates and just go at my own pace and see what happens. if we believe we deserve good maybe good things will happen. i know his routine he will be perfect for a while then once the dust settles and she starts to have her own mind the gold will start to wear off him a little when things dont go his way.. dont know what it is with this one she prob has a car which he doesnt and maybe a rich family or something like that, but there will be something for him to gain here you bet your life. i can see exactly what is going to be happening now its unbelievable really how well i know him and his habits now from what ive been learning, and this poor young girl is totally blind to it. he did tell me her name and where she works which i was suprised but im not getting involved or warning her or anything. if i hear something i am just going to observe and not be involved in any of it. i think the young ones he can con better and he knows that now and also i think hes learning older woman expect more than he can provide. its funny i feel a bit relieved cause now i know whats going to happen i dont need to be wondering. i can see now the way he was talking last night i dont mean a thing to him and he just wants to hurt me, he only needs me when he has no one else .anyway good luck to you wether your dating or not. i think we all deserve a beautiful true man to love. everyone one here all of us. let meknow whats happening, i feel strength in sharing with you all.j
Jules. You are reflecting the pain you felt and is similar to pain I felt and still do feel to think my ex N had his tried and tested ways of securing women at different levels of play – presumably that is why he had a dozen mobile phones? They will use what ever methods bring them the most success and their confidence is bolstered so much, they are charismatic and on a high which makes them so appealing and that blended with charm is desirable. Because my exN was fairly agressive looking I thought he was theft proof – but what I didnt realise is that women love a badboy – he was able to secure women easily once he got into the swing and he must have taken great delight in getting me to give him a reference for a job in a place (unbeknown to me) that is almost the entire workforce is made up of women nurses, social workers of his target age groups – he has almost unlimited prey on his territory and because he looks after security he can really run his persona of protector to the full and seduce co-workers – which is what he did. Again thinking that I was safe because he was telling me that he had the numbers of staff married women, what I didnt realise is that he chose them to keep himself safe. He is a security guard there and I bet he is thinking he is king of the castles. They exploit the female at her very core (or male) brutually wounding, these are the actions of people who hate their opposite gender.
i still feel jealous and sit thinking about how they met, what she looks like, what he said about me, where they go, whether he had started his nonsense yet and how he did that – it is only natural to think about these things. And here am I still in the aftershock of the relationship with no partner, still feeling pained and here he is having skipped off with another so quickly – an equally shocking barrier to put in. And yes that feels unfair and my next door neighbour has a new boyfriend and my friend is getting married, so that compounds my aloneness. I have to be strong and stay with my aloneness, because I hate to think what a life with him would have been like. But it is natural to feel curiosity and envy – as like you, I do. But we know it wont last and if it does, the woman will have to be captured or enchanted as they put it, so that she succumbs to her partner’s whims – a kind of cloning process.
Jules
You asked: “do all spaths network and look up old friends to try to meet woman this way, this seems like a pattern to me. ”
Yes. As a matter of fact, yes, they do. It’s “recycling of Narcissistic Supply” and they are notorious for it! And, guess what? That person means no more to them than you did, or the person before you, or the person before that, or the one who will be next (most likely unknowingly part of a triangle with the current one).
They cannot be alone. They cannot face themselves alone. Imagine a blank canvas in front of your eyes 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with no meaning, nothing to make your heart feel lighter, or heavier. Just nothing.
That’s them. They have to fill the canvas. We do it by love and passion for people we really care for. We do it by nurturing our insides through memories, thoughts, feelings.
They do it by “harvesting” supply from outside. And they will use anyone they can either as a mirror or a way to find a mirror, until that source gets boring or gets wise.
I am learning not to take this personally. It is what it is; they do what they do. All his “love” was no more honest and real than all the abusive things he said about me and did towards me were real or true. Best not to internalize their statements and actions, lest we make them our own.
Am sorry you’re hurting. The less personal you can make what he did to you, the easier it will be to get through it.
It was never going to get any better – no matter what level of wonderful you became towards him. Just know that you could not change the outcome, no matter what.
Hugs to you.
lil orphan: thanks a gain for your feed back. recycling of narcissistic supply. wow it has a name i knew it was something to do with his s pathic be haviour cause it keeps hapening every time he gets dumps he goes looking for old friends contacts usually woman of course and as he says catches up, but its just networking to me their not friends i dont think he has any friends only conveniences to use as links to other woman or social contacts and i now see so clearly that once he and i were done and he said he wanted to be friends still, he was just using me as another one of these contacts when he had no one else. i feel better to know what you told me that this actually has a name where did you find that out? and harvesting that is exactly what he does. i never knew a man or anyone to have so many friends old and new and like anyone else you sor t of move away from some old friends fo r whatevr reason he goes back and digs them up at his will, and to my suprise they usually go along with it. i do wonder if it wil all go wrong this time a round she is young and probably totally blind to men like him he loves the innocent ones who lap up his attention, without questions. he is slightly different to some s paths i read about he is perfect and will do everything for you until you do something he does not like, like question him or his behaviour or look into his personel stuff. but even when he was behaving well there were little things i found out he was doing behind my back. like when we first met and he was supossed to be falling in love with me i foundout he was flirting with girls at our work place. like he cant help himself always looking for something else better in his eyes as soon as your out of sight. also they are complete opportunists[ sorry my spelling] so if this young girl does not wake up and lookinto things a bit deeper it may be great for them . but i am a thinker and i like to know whats going on so i was different. maybe some girls dont think like that and just enjoy everything he puts out. he is good looking which helps him he is charming affectionate, fun a good lover he really has it all so i can see how they get mesmerised. its funny cause i have a family friend who has schizophrenia and he also is a opportunists too . so maybe its a comon link in mental illness. also what do you mean they use anyone as a mirror? i havent heard of this before either. thanks for your kind words and for understanding me and what im going through. it does just p…. me off to know he always lands on his feet and i have to struggle to meet one new person . its just hard i wish i could see some karma come back to him. any way i am going out tonight on date with a guy i met on the dating sight he is nice, not sure how into him i am but at least hes taking me out and i wont be sitting at home alone thinking about you know what. do you have contact with your ex s path? thanks again to you . hugs back j
This made me remember a moment when – yes they are always on the look for another woman – even tho they are supposedly happy with you. At Christmas we were at the grocery store, in line to pay and I just knew the woman ahead of us was something he could not resist. She had the right look. Well we stood there awhile and then I kind of forgot about her but he said why dont you go get a pointsettia for the house – so I walked up to the front of the store to pick one out and as I turned and looked back, he had created that moment without me so he could flirt with her. He made some comment to her and she laughed outloud.
I put the pointsettia back on the shelf and marched back to the line. He said why did you put it back? I said I dont want it. You only sent me over there so you could flirt with her. Of course, he didnt noooo such thing – it was not what I thought. They were only laughing about some little comment he made – blah blah blah.
Anyway – there were so many moments like that that, yes, I oould have been making something out of nothing I guess, but my gut told me exactly what was happening and I even sensed it before he sent me off to get the flower.
What I thought was a nice thing at first – he was getting me the plant – turned into yet another heavy icky feeling inside.
Bev. thanks for writing. i know , i met mine at work and there was lots of attractive girls working there he was in heaven working there. and i found out things that happened with the girls there that he lied to me about too. i wont go into it but just stupid things he did withthem that he lied to me about. he isnt so much a bad boy but iknow what you mean woman find that exciting its true. but he is smooth as, he works out is very fit and works on his apearence like its very important clothes hair accesories the works he takes longer to get ready than me and i often could nt get to the mirror cause he ws using it. anyway he doesnt have anything sucsess wise but he looks good and is charming and sweet he puts on the innocent rather than bad boy. and they fall for it. i am curious and that is ok im not fighting it anymore just letting it go in and out and observing what he does without getting involved it is funny actually to see what happens. im not so much jelous but annoyed cause he always finds someone and i want a relationship and find it hard to meet people. he has so many friends andi dont. just not fair he has all the luck and i dont.thanks j.
Jules, My ex N has nothing, no home, no money and he looks aggressive, but that hasnt put women off falling for his promises of protecting them like their knight in shining armor, he works in the security industry so he can easily play this image to the max especially at work, where he commented once that the women in the building were grateful and in awe of his protection.
It still hurts though, but long term we know they will never have the possibility of a fulfilling loving relationships by taking the short cuts and manipulations they do. But in the short term, their ability to seduce more women does not have to rely on good looks or assets, as my N exploits his masculinity to the full and women fall for that. What makes me mad, is all that advice (and it makes sense) to women about making yourself the best you can be to attain your perfect catch is all b…s..t when it comes to the way they operate. They dont bother with really wanting to get to know you as a person that they love, or give to you because they want to honour you as a person and make life good for you. Any window dressing they do, is to exploit and take.
My ex N could be a taker (he was sometimes generous, but always out of context and quite clumsily) – most of the dates we had I bought every other round of drinks and he accepted that. Now and again he put himself in first position by buying me a meal, but he was never in deficit to me and he carefully weighed up the balance sheet. This smacks of someone who either knows he is not going to be in the relationship long term, or is trying to modify his behaviour – trying to iron out his greedy tactics, or even having experienced this before in other relationships and what the outcomes are. They are always on the take and I got wise to him. He started coming round my place to watch porn and he would come over and 30 mins later would ask to go on the internet – he must have thought I was a fool not to notice that! the more I shone a light on his behaviour, the wiser I became – couldnt put an entire meaning on what he was doing (that came after we finished) – but realised that all his phony charade was concealing something more devious and I didnt want to be a part of that.
There are so many sideshows on the internet that are tempting people into a kind of free for all. These sideshows give the impression that this free for all is mainstream and that everybody is engaged. Whilst I honour peoples’ rights to engage in whatever activity they want, there is a big difference to going onto these sites to exploit and abuse people and unfortunately for any who want to go that way, there is not an immediate way of weeding out the abusers from the others.
Spoke to a guy last nite who openly admitted that he uses women. Problem is with this where access to sexual content and activity so easily available, some people may think that they can get the cream without having to go through the angst of investing in a relationship and I think there will be more people like that – not just the people with PSD but others who are possibily already prone to being narcissistic.
The operative statement here is ‘without consent’.
Jules
You said: “i feel better to know what you told me that this actually has a name where did you find that out?”
One night when I couldn’t take it anymore with the S/P, his weird statements, the not moving forward, the demeaning, silent treatment, weird gaslighting…I typed something into google…funny, but now I don’t even remember, almost a year later. It came back with Narcissism. So I read everything available on N’s…here I thought they were the “life of the party” guys and this guy was not that. He wasn’t even particularly charming or engaging. But he was arrogant — even mutual acquaintances talked about how arrogant he is — and secretive, withholding, cold, distant, addicted to alcohol and just flipping ODD. He kept leaving and coming back into my life and had done it to others — the last time it had been five years of silence or better.
Was like getting hit with bricks, that week of discovery.
A mirror…N’s need a mirror reflecting their “perfection” back at them. When the mirror cracks, like when they do something and you dare to say, “hey, wait a minute – that’s not fair/right/kind/loving/ethical….” you no longer serve to mirror their greatness and give them the adoration they need. At that point, or later, you get deliberate cruelty and they disappear.
And yes, they’re always looking for the next woman. Always. Right in front of you, obviously and painfully to you. They’re entitled, they believe, to do whatever they wish, whenever they wish, to whomever they wish and damn the consequences. Mostly because they see other people as chess pieces, or objects to be manipulated – not really separate people with their own feelings and needs.
It really is impersonal for them. Has to be, because they do not have feelings and cannot really love…so everything in their lives is impersonal. Does that make sense?