Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Snapshots
By AlohaTraveler
In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath.
Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to the tortilla chips. It was romantic, it was silly, and I felt so in love. Never before had I done a thing like that! It was just a kiss but it was so ideal, so out of the movies. I recall during our first kiss, he embraced me as if he were Fabio on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel. Who wouldn’t swoon for that?
Here’s another snapshot. This time, I am at Home Depot. Why all the retail?! On the radio, Dan Fogelberg’s Longer Than is playing and I start to weep tears of joy. Suddenly, I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of this song about lovers. I know, it’s c-o-r-n-y! This happened during a time that I have referred to as “the happiest two weeks of my life,” or like I said before, “Relationship Crack.”
Another snapshot I have in my mind is spending an hour choosing just the right birthday card for my budding new romance (and more weeping over drippy love songs being piped in over the sound system). God, I was a sap! I ended up with two cards. I saw this as “the first card I would ever give the love of my life” and it had to be perfect. So what’s more perfect than two?
Yet another. This time I am sitting next to my Captain as he skillfully pilots the craft and gives an enlightening spiel about the marine life over his microphone. The guests were rapt with attention as was I, goo-goo eyes and all. I always had a thing for islands, the water, the whales, which were out in full force that day, and of course, the Captain of the ship. Isn’t it perfect?!
I remember looking at the Bad Man with his tanned skin and his Indiana Jones hat. He looked exactly like Harrison Ford back when Harrison Ford still looked good. It was all too perfect. I was living in Hawaii, I had a hunk of a man for my new boyfriend and of course, he had already told me what a “quality woman” I was, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks! Considering that my move to Hawaii was my idea of an “alternate” life plan since, at 35 years old, my marital dreams had not come true, you can imagine how ecstatic I was to have such a lucky break in love. I had only been on the island 10 days when I met the “man of my dreams.” It appeared to me that my dreams were coming true after all. I looked at him and thought to myself, “We are going to be one of those couples that everyone wants to be like!” and I was on top of the world. I thought I had beat the system by letting go of the quest-for-love and reaching for my dreams on my own… and BINGO! My prayers were answered.
Sadly, the signs of danger were already present but my ideal moments, my perfect “snapshots” were clouding my ability, or perhaps, my willingness, to see them. The Bad Man had already mentioned that he had been called a “cult leader” in the newspapers back in Seattle during his days as a Pastor for Assemblies of God. He had been “sort-of excommunicated” because he was an “out of the box thinker” and he had “thrown off the templates” of the traditional hard line thinking of his former Church. He was a “rebel” and a “hero.” He had a “permanent restraining order” against him and all women’s health clinics in the Seattle area. He was “honest” about the “B.S. restraining order” his ex-wife had against him. He told me mournfully that his ex “stole the children” (escaped under extreme duress, I am sure) and that the court would issue a restraining order to any woman that said she was afraid. “The court wouldn’t even question it” he told me, with indignation in his voice. He called her a “gossip” and talked at length about how couples should be able to work out their problems in private or go “up the food chain” for advice and not down. Now in my defense, this was confusing. That seemed like good advice coming from a former Minister. Perhaps his ex was a gossip. I mean I was keeping all our problems private, just like he told me to. Why couldn’t she? I know as I write this that it all sounds ridiculous but alas, the kiss… the kiss! Now, I say, “Alas… the red flags, the RED FLAGS!!!”
Never before had I been so taken in by someone, so consumed by a man. I thought this was the big love that I had been waiting for. I thought it was finally my time. These were the things I was telling myself in those brief moments of heightened romance. As I write this, I realize that my snapshots were just my thoughts. In fact, in some of the snapshots I describe, the Bad Man isn’t even present… just me and my thoughts of LOVE. I was in denial of what was really happening and I let a few highly romantic moments, snapshots, overpower the truth. My own thoughts about what this relationship was going to mean for my formerly-empty-before-him-life were seductive enough for me to all but ignore the truth before me.
In my mind, I have burned up these snapshots. I recognize them for what they are now. They are my own fantasies, and my own dreams that I pinned on someone else. Why are all my dreams riding on someone else? Now when I am asked, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I feel sad and empty. For some reason, I keep getting asked this question lately. I can’t think of anything. I have plans that are solid and based on reality. I am working toward some goals. I have named the steps to achieve my goals and I am ticking them off as I go. But there are no dreams.
When someone loves you, they don’t set out to destroy you. They consider your wellbeing and they consider how their actions affect others. This is what is normal. They don’t terrorize you until you feel like you are worthless. I knew this but I sort of forgot. I forgot because he said the magic words”¦“I am seriously considering you as a potential life partner.” I became a slave to those words and would do anything, endure anything, ignore anything, because of them. It’s like I was on Survivor. I formed an alliance with him! I bought in to his strategy to destroy me and I joined in the plan. Hey, in the end, I even voted myself off the island! I guess you could say, I escaped the Bad Man by leaving while he was at work, kind of like the way he described the day his ex left him with her 5 children in tow. God Bless her.
If it seems that I make light of my encounter with a sociopath, I do not. My story is lit up with red flags, more than I would like to admit. My lessons from the Bad Man cost me some money, some time, many tears, a few friendships, and maybe one thing that needed to go, like a baby tooth needs to go to make room for the emerging adult one. Perhaps my fantasies of love, and being in love, and what that would mean for my life, were a bit girlish. Now, I have a plan for my life beyond loving and devoting my life to someone else. Where was I in all that, anyway?
I have a real snapshot of myself from my time on Maui. It was taken by the Bad Man. When I saved it on my computer, I gave it the file name, “pretending to be happy.” It looks like I am having the time of my life but the truth is, I was sleepless, anxious, afraid, and miserable. I was being emotionally battered, manipulated, terrorized and stalked. I had been called a long list of names your Mother wouldn’t want to hear you say. I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.
Author’s note: The concept for “Snapshots” was introduced to me by my friend, Susan Bradley, RN. Susan is a Relationship Coach, and author of “Irresistible Prescriptions for Love.” For more information, visit her website www.lovinguniversity.com.
Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud
Jules, my ex N was arrogant, cold, distant, controlled and after waving his ‘evidence’ under my nose, dropping hints, making weird statements, doing strange things, confusing me and dropping in calculated absences designed to make me squirm and develop his ‘prize quality’.
Like you when I questioned him, he would punish me in some subtle way – we never argued – but he distanced and worked on my insecurities as his ultimate defence.
Yes by being blocked off from feelings, it allows them free reign to act without remorse or responsibility – what a playground for them! I reflect back on how my ex N was cruel and subtle, that is why I didnt cotton on at first. I knew that his weird distancing behaviour was going against how much he said he adored and ‘cherised’ me, its just I couldnt make sense of it – i knew he was up to something.
Finally, after he left I got an almightly shock realising that he had been a total fraud and that my feelings had been hurt for very good reason and that I wasnt making it up or exaggerating, because when i saw the power in the subtle and calculated tactics he used to bring me up and then pull me down, I realised that being subtle is his perfect defence and is not easily noticed by others. He is probably the worst loser I have been out with, is actually not a very nice person, has nothing, dislikes society – that is probably why he needs to hypnotise someone to have him – he would never be chosen on his own merit. But he can get away with it – temporarily.
lilorphan; thank you so much for your insight. i now think after reading that, that mine might of beena N as well as a s path. which i never thought of before. he is as i have said charming, funny happy, sweet, affectionate and all good things but a slo arrogant but subtle so most doent see, and yes secretive very. the mirror thing is what makes me think he is a N because when we met he was so into being with me he had have me and went all out. but now i think i may have been a mirror for him cause he saw things in my life that he thought would make him look better and would improve his life. but when he found something about me which was not perfect for him things changed almost imediately. he found out i was more than ten years older than him but i dont look it and i dont think he knew he never asked me and then when it came up i noticed him change, but he stayed with me and went along for the ride but things were different from then on he wasnt as loving toward me, and i think he was looking around behind my back. so i guess he saw a crack in themirror i wasnt so perfect for him. yet he is far from perfect him self. in the end i think he just had no use for me anymore so after a year he left suddenly, but still wanted casual sex for a nother year after that saying we were friends and that he cared for me. but i do wonder if i wasnt older and the mirror did not crack if he would have stayed anyway? i think i am going to look up info on the net about N s cause i have read a lot aobut s path which i think and have been told by experts he is but i havent read a bout the N. can they be both? i agree totally that he is impersonel but he was a great actor and really seemed to convince even him self that he was deeply in love it seemed real it really did. maybe cause they cant feel it they imitate it so well. i have the feeling he will be saying and using things that happened with us to the new girl right now i just know that. if i go read about the N i bet i see alot of his personality. like i did when i started readinga bout s paths it opens your eyes big time. do you know what good web sites i could look at . thanks for your help .
Hi everyone, I was reading some of the comments above, and the diagnoses that I would give my ex…definitely a sociopath, also a narcissist, and possibly borderline personality disordered as well…funny thing is…these things all overlap tremendously from what I can see…I don’t understand how anyone can just be ONE! Also, from what I have read, and gathered from this site as well as from some experts…sociopathy can be measured on a spectrum…NOT ALL SOCIOPATHS are created equally…there are a range of behaviors that qualify them, and not all of them have everyone of the behaviors…
Jules, my ex was very charming, funny, sweet, affectionate as well..but, he was JUST MIRRORING…reflecting back ME, and my behaviors…and, upon looking back, I recall how he pretty much was an empty shell, and did a lot reflecting, and basically had no personality of his own…it was all borrowed from whomever he was spending time with at the time.
Yes, THE MAN was very much into image, control, manipulation, cruelty, pathological lying, stealing, conning, hurting family, friends, and everyone he came in contact with…the man had no ability to truly care, empathize, or be a stable, honest person.
He was clearly a narcissist, and would often seem to fall apart if he didn’t get positive attention all the time. Also, he couldn’t deal with any kind conflict whatsoever. In fact, he would become an emotional terrorist when challenged, and often projected his own dis-ease and sickness onto me. Also, he could not say he was sorry.
Once I told him he had to say sorry to my daughter for what he had said and done to her, and HE DID, but, he came back with tears in his eyes (which to this day, I am not sure if it was manipulation or shame from a part of his personality that has yet to be identified; I had seen him nearly in tears as well when I told him I didn’t care for the homemade soup he had made for me one night.) It was weird, because by this time, I knew he couldn’t take negative feedback…so I was hoping he wouldn’t ask me what I thought of it…Sadly, it was HIS TEARS that made him seem more human, not a horrible sociopath. Anyway, it doesn’t matter WHY he cried now. Some things I will never understand…
One good website for Narcissism is Sam Vaknin’s site…he’s the author of Malignant Self Love, Narcissism Revisted.
Regarding the original topic of “The fantasy of magic moments with the sociopath” — one thing for sure is…I don’t have any of these such fantasies anymore. I would be INSANE to buy into the fantasies anymore…but, I certainly do understand that I was kind of my own type of insane when I was with him, because over and over and over I continued to do the same thing, forgive him, and then expect him to change…this is kind of crazy. Regardless, I know I inherited some dysfunctional ways of coping, and I no longer have to cope this way…and, I sure learned some valuable lessons.
No, I WAS NOT responsible for his behavior, but, I did BUY INTO THE FANTASY and his lies. I am much wiser and stronger now, and no longer will be this easy to con and manipulate.
Its been a year since we split–that I called the cops on him for the newly discovered 5 warrants he had out for his arrest…and obtained a restraining order on him…and, its only beenin the last couple months that I am feeling “normal” MOST of the time…I still get obsessive sometimes about “studying’ sociopathy, narcissism etc…but, I know I don’t want him to have any kind of control or say in my life these days…so I try to use imagery, talk to friends, come to this site, therapy, fun, laughter, and meditation to help me with my tendency to obsess over unhealthy thoughts about him…
Slowly but surely i am healing…and, hell yes, it feels GREAT!!!!! And, it has to be one of the greatest lessons in my life…I have to be on the look out for how I truly want to BELIEVE that ALL people are good…because they simply are not…BUT, I can be happy regardless…I WILL BE HAPPY regardless…
Grace63,
wow, I love what you wrote. 99% of it sounded like me. And I did notice some peculiar things about the Bad Man.. that he used my own words right back at me as if they were his own. And I know that he took a concept I gave him and packaged it as his own and used it to seduce another woman. STRANGE.
I noticed that he tweaked his Match.com profile constantly and it seemed to reflect details about whomever was his last prospect. It was so obvious and strange. Like who would write, “I like petite brunette marine biology students.” Only he would think that makes sense in an ad. I didn’t know why before but now I do.
And I love what you said about accepting that there ARE bad people in the world and we can still be happy. Of course, why didn’t I think of this?! I LOVE IT!
grace; thanks for your advice i am going to look at that site. and i agree mine was a pathological liar too. and he also cried a few times when we were tog ethr one year. once he cried when we were being intimate he got very emtional and cried . and another time when we were breaking up and i had caught him lying a gain and i had proof and he just said i lie all the time and he started crying like he was ashamed but when i asked why he lies he just said cause im scared of people knowing the truth? what ever that meant it confused me totally. and yes maybe he was just mirroring me too. i think also he has many different problems that over lap. cause somethings a s path is suposed to do he doesnt and other things he does i know he is ok with money and doesnt steal as far as i know, but he is attracted to wealth and the wealthy.like you said into image. and like you too i allowed a lot of things to happen cause i fell for the crap and kept forgiving him and really loved him. i also have to know that not all people are good and deserve my love. i dont want to obsess but i need to learn so i can understand why i feel like this . thank you for you in put it helps.
Jules —
All P/S’s are N’s, but not all N’s are sociopaths. The Narcissism has to be there in order for them to be a sociopath, but not all narcissists are violent or other sociopath qualities. For instance, mine never stole a single dollar from me or relied on me financially; he was very good about paying for things himself, and I don’t think he’d ever end up in prison for ANYTHING. But he was definitely an N and a different type of S. The site Grace mentioned is also where I learned a lot but I wasn’t sure we were allowed to mention other links and sites on this forum. Their forum is excellent, as well as others out on the Net.
Steven Carter at Powerblog (google him) also has a really good Q&A about commitmentphobia where you can write and ask him questions. He’s written a book called “Help! I’m in love with a Narcissist” that I read when I was still seeing The Wolf, along with his commitmentphobia books, that was very illuminating.
grace and lil orph; thanks to you both for helping me sort this out. grace i read the web site you mentioned and most of it sounds just like my ex he was a N as well as spath. i was interested that it said on that web site that most N problems stem from the mother in males. cause i always thought his mum had something to do with his ways. it made me see why he uses his friends and contacts when he is lonely the way he does reading that site. but it did say on there that they arent that into sex which is not true in his case very into sex and different partners when not in a relationship. but his behaviours seem to over lap between N and spath. its good to learn this for my self. lil orph; mine also never ripped me off with money he was generous for his financial capacity and always paid his way. i will check out the web site you mentioned too. thanks a gain for your support.
Jules, you are so welcome. The only difference in how things played out this time around versus all the others with the Wolf lay solely in the area of knowledge. Once I read everything available, including Dr. V, their forums, this blog and everything under NPD and AsD it was so clear to me that this guy fit the profile. Except for not glib or charming. He had a quiet charm, but not overt. Rather, he was the “playa” type who would tweak your nose to get you interested…pick on you…infuriate you. Irascible charm, I guess.
At any rate, once your eyes are opened to all this and you learn how none of it has anything to do with you personally, it’s more liberating and freeing than any amount of “closure.” Since it’s not a normal relationship with a normal person, you never get closure with the S/P. The best to hope for is connect-the-dots, and the information from these sites gives that to us.
All P/S’s are N’s. Some are somatic (really into sex – sounds like what you describe) and some are cerebral (use sex as a hook but don’t really care for it – or have one woman for “mummy” to adore and no sex, and another or more for the sex).
By the time you’re done researching, you’ll be able to write a book!!
I just added this link to another thread. It was sent to me by Peggy Pseu and it blew me away.
If you were with a verbal, emotional, psychological abuser, check out this article.
http://www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart5
WOW is all I can say. This describes the Bad Man to a “T” and also describes psychologically what we go through as the victim in this bizarre head trip.
Thanks “Peggy” for sending it to me.
Aloha……… Elise
I’ve mentioned before, but a book called “Women who Run with the Wolves” also is very good. It is kind of long but I took my time reading and digesting it page by page during and after my relationship with my S.. I learned tons about myself and sociopathic type personalities and how they manipulate. Has anyone hear read it?